81. never truly safe

MILO

     'I SAW THE GRENADES,' GLENN SPOKE WITH A SHAKING VOICE. 'Tried to stop him,' he added, staring in the distance without really seeing something. 'Nicholas was gonna run.'

He shared a quick glare with Rick before turning his eyes back to his broken friend seated before him. About an hour ago Glenn, Eugene, Nicholas and Tara had returned from what should've been a simple run. They were supposed to pick up a component to fix the solar panels. But the mission had gone horribly wrong and both Aiden and Noah had lost their lives. Tara was heavily injured, a wound on the head. She hadn't opened her eyes since the group had returned. And the reason they lost two people? Because Aiden and Nicholas couldn't muster the courage to be out there, because they were afraid. Because two incompetent people had been out there, his friends had been in danger. One was in a coma, the other had lost his life...

'But we made him stay,' Glenn mumbled, sounding like he honestly regretted doing so. 'Couldn't get Aiden out of there without help. All he had to do was hold the door. But he panicked. Noah...' Tears gathered in his eyes and Milo reached out, placing his hand on Glenn's shoulder while trying his hardest to swallow his own tears and stay strong for his friend. 'I had him. I had his hand. I tried.' He took a shaky breath. 'I watched him die.'

Silence stretched out between the three of them, a moment of respect for their lost friend. Another life this cruel world had taken, another loved one gone. Milo had wanted to give these people a chance. Of course he'd seen how scared they were, how unfamiliar they were with the dangers and cruel reality of the new world they were living in but he believed that with their help the people of Alexandria could learn to fight, could learn to stand firmly on a ground colored red with blood. Now...he wasn't so sure anymore.

'I almost left him out there,' Glenn struggled to go on, 'could've told a story. You think I should have?' His gaze went to Milo and then to Rick, the pain visible in his eyes.

'They don't know what they're doing,' Rick replied and Milo couldn't help but notice the underlying tone of anger in his voice, 'any of 'em.'

'We have show them,' Milo spoke sternly, his eyes focused on Rick. Their leader needed to hear this, needed to learn to trust people again because right now his distrust could be what got them all killed. 'If we don't, they die and that will be on us.'

'I don't know if they can see it,' Rick answered, as if that was reason enough not to try. 'How things really are. I don't know if they can yet. They haven't caught up.'

'We have to be here,' Glenn joined in, his voice holding the same stern tone that Milo's had just before. 'We have to.'

Rick nodded. 'Yeah, we do. But their rules, we don't answer to them.'

'We are them, Rick,' Glenn pressed, his usual fire blazing back to life inside his eyes. 'We are now. Noah, he believed in this place. I'm telling, we gotta make this work.'

'He's right,' Milo added, his voice soft as he kept his eyes focused on Rick. The internal struggle was written all over his face. It was easy to forget how torn up their leader still was. Just by getting rid of his beard, he hadn't gotten rid of all his issues, his pain and his broken soul. It would take time to mend. They just had to make sure that he didn't break himself in the proces.

Finally Rick nodded curtly and stood up. Then he turned to walk away, leaving Milo and Glenn seated on the porch. He watched the man walk away, his heart aching for him and everything he had lost.

'He doesn't see it,' Glenn sighed, hopelessness taking root in his voice.

Milo turned to look at his friend. 'He will,' he said, squeezing his shoulder, 'we'll make him see.' Then he stood up as well and offered Glenn his hand. He lifted him up and offered him a small smile. 'You should get some rest, Maggie's probably waiting for you.'

He nodded and walked towards the door, at the very last moment however he stopped and turned back to look at Milo. 'We should have a funeral. Tomorrow.'

'We will,' Milo promised him and then, with one last reassuring smile at his friend he turned and left the porch, heading towards the hospital. With determined steps he crossed the streets, reaching the house they had choosen to be a makeshift hospital wing. He opened the door and for a second he just stood there in the doorway, his eyes focused on the one bed, occupied by the normally so positive and brightly shining girl. Suddenly it was hard to walk inside and he had to struggle to take another step forwards.

Putting one foot in front of the other he entered the room, quietly closing the door behind him. He grabbed a chair and sat down next to the bed, watching Tara as her chest rose and fell. The memory of her laugh flashed painfully through his mind and he shook his head to get rid of it. He hated the fact that it never got easier. He hated that they kept losing, kept trying to pick themselves up. Arriving here was supposed to be the end of it, they were supposed to find peace within these walls. But even within this so called safezone, death and sorrow managed to find them. No matter how save they believed they were, the world would always prove them wrong.

He was growing so tired of being unable to protect those he cared about. Never before had he felt so hopeless before. Even when they lost the prison he had promised himself he'd go on, that he would've hope because if he didn't, how could he possibly move on?

And now, within these walls, when everything was supposed to be right again, he was drowning in hopelessness. They could work as hard as they possibly could but never would they be able to make sure that no one would get hurt anymore. He was going to have to find a way to live with the idea that no one he cared about would truly be safe. He had to find a way to live with the hurt, with the feeling like his heart was being ripped out of his chest. Only when he accepted that, could he truly live.

But Milo had no idea how to do that. How could he possibly accept the idea that his friends, his family would never truly be safe?

Tears gathered in his eyes and a shaky sigh left his lips as he stared at the wound on Tara's head. Fury at the cruelty of the world set his bones ablaze, fury of being unable to protect those he cared about. Their fate was never in his hands. He could try all he wanted to make sure the walls stayed up but even then his family would never truly be safe.

The realisation made him cry, tears rolled down his cheeks, leaving a salty taste in his mouth as they reached his lips. His shoulders shook as he tried his hardest to keep quiet. Pain swirled within him like a hurricane and crying seemed to be the only way to let it out. He cried for the world, for the friends they lost, for the friends they had yet to loose and for the helplessness that threatened to swallow him.

Time was lost on him as he sat there in the darkness and wept. He was starting to break beneath the weight that had been placed on his shoulders and suddenly he wished Aiden was here. His former boyfriend always knew what to say to make him feel better, he always managed to find light even in the darkest situations. It was partly thanks to him that Milo had promised himself he would do the same in a world filled with so much darkness. He hadn't felt a love that strong for anyone after Aiden. He wasn't sure he ever would again but in that moment he wished for it. He wished to be held, to be covered in the warmth of a person who loved you completely and unconditionally. And with that idea in his mind he slowly drifted off to sleep in the chair beside Tara her bed, the trails of tears having dried on his cheeks.

It wasn't until the sun was out and shining and a small hand carefully shook him awake that he realised he had fallen asleep. Blinking against the light he stretched his aching limbs. He turned to look at his right to see who had woken him up.

Beth was standing next to him and looking at her broke his heart even further. Her eyes were red and her expression filled with grief. Noah had been her only friend while she'd been a captive in that hospital in Atlanta. He had helped her escape and she'd given up her freedom so he could be free. And now he was gone...

'Morning,' the younger Greene sister greeted him. Her voice sounded tired but he could tell she was trying her hardest to sound normal.

'Hey,' he mumbled, rubbing his eyes. 'How are you?'

'Been better,' the girl sighed, walking to the other side of Tara's bed and taking a seat on the chair standing there. 'I've been making arrangements for the funeral. There's no body so maybe we should just...place down a stone or something.' Her voice drifted off as she stared into the distance. Then she blinked and turned her gaze to Milo. 'You've been here all night?'

He nodded sheepishly. 'I just wanted to check up on her, must've fallen asleep.' He pointed at Tara and then slowly stood up from his chair. 'I should go. Reg had a meeting planned.' He offered Beth a small smile and then turned to talk to the door.

'It won't happen to Quinn,' Beth called after him, making him freeze before turning back slowly with a frown on his face. 'What happened to Noah,' she explained herself, 'it won't happen to Quinn. She's strong and smart. And Daryl would never let anything happen to her.'

His frown turned into a smile. 'You've noticed that too, huh?'

Beth returned his smile. 'I was the one stuck with them after the prison. I actually thought something would've happened by now.'

A laugh left his lips and it made him feel better instantly. 'Give 'em time.' Then he turned around and left the hospital wing. Once outside he took a deep breath, letting the smell of fresh air fill his nose. The all consuming sadness that had overwhelmed him last night still lingered in the pit of his stomach but as he stood there in the sunlight he reminded himself of Aiden and the promise he had made. He would see the light in the dark, even when the dark was growing stronger every day. That was who he was, who he always had been. If he were to give up now he would betray himself and everything he valued. He had mourned, had cried, had let himself be consumed by despair and now he had to move on.

With that promise planted firmly in his mind he made his way to Deanna's house. The house was hard to miss, big and majestic as it was. Reg was already seated on the porch, a book in his hands. Milo approached him carefully and only then it struck him that the man had lost his son yesterday. Noah wasn't the only one who lost his life. He hated himself for forgetting about Aiden and letting himself be consumed by his own grief. He wasn't the only person grieving.

Carefully he took place on the wooden bench next to the grieving father, letting a silence fall to give him time to gather himself. 'I'm sorry for your loss,' he finally spoke.

Reg nodded. 'I'm sorry for yours.'

Milo took a deep breath. 'I realised last night that no matter how strong we make the walls, our family will always be at risk.' He looked around the street, at the people walking around, doing their daily chores and wished with all his heart there was a way to protect them all. 'But, I'm still willing to try,' he added. 'Making sure this place stands strong can be the start of something.'

The older man looked at him, something glinstered in his eyes and Milo thought it looked an awful lot like hope. 'You're right,' Reg spoke. 'We do the part that has been given to us and trust that our loved ones do theirs.' He then handed the book to Milo. 'Read this. It's very basic knowledge of building and designing but important knowledge nonetheless.'

He took the book in his hands and studied the title. A guide to a better world. He couldn't help but laugh at that. 'How fitting,' he commented, looking at his teacher who was wearing a small smile himself.

'It's like the author knew the world was going to end,' Reg said, his smile growing wider, though there was a hint of sadness in his voice.

Milo nodded, turning the book over in his hands to read the back when a loud crash echoed over the streets. Within seconds he was on his feet. While Reg called for his wife, Milo ran out to the street, his eyes immediately catching sight of Rick and Pete caught in a fight. The window of Pete's house was broken, glass laying shattered on the porch. Both men were struggling to get the upper hand while Jesse was trying desperatly to break them apart. But Pete reached out and hit her in the face, sending her stumbling backwards.

He raced forwards and caught her in his arms, holding her while she cried and begged for the men to stop. By the looks of it they weren't planning on stopping anytime soon. Blood was crawling down Rick his face, an ugly cut painted his jaw red. Pete was beneath him, struggling to get Rick his hands away from around his throat, gasping for air between his screams of rage.

'Dad, get off!' Carl shouted, running forwards towards his father but Rick pushed him away, seeming completely lost in his rage. It was consuming him and the deranged look on his face was enough to send any sane man running for the hills. But Milo had seen it many times before, it hardly scared him anymore. The only thing scaring him was what Deanna would do if Rick couldn't contain himself.

Rick lashed out and hit Pete in the face once again then he turned on his side and wrapped his arm around Pete his throat. The other man clawed at Rick his face but he wasn't letting go. The rage in his eyes was screaming for murder, for justice maybe even revenge.

'Rick stop it!' Deanna shouted as she came running towards the scene. Her words did not have the impact she might've wished they had because Rick didn't move an inch.

'You touch them again and I'll kill you,' Rick mumbled into Pete's ear. Milo frowned slightly and looked from the trembling woman in his arms to her son who was hiding behind Carol. And only when he saw the look on Carol's face did he understand. Hershel had told him once what Carol had gone through before becoming as strong as she was now. It was hard to picture the woman he saw as a force of nature be a scared, trembling housewife, afraid of what her husband might do to her when she would come home, or worse to her daughter. But when he saw the look in her eyes as she stared at Pete he could picture it perfectly. Pure hatred was painted on her face. And the way Sam clung to her shattered his heart even more, the boy was a splitting image of Quinn whenever their dad had dronken too much and she'd seek comfort in Milo his arms.

And suddenly he wanted Rick to do it. 

He wanted Rick to kill the man who dared to lay a hand on his family.

'Damn it, Rick! I said stop!' Deanna shouted and slowly Rick released the man, making the people of Alexandria move in on him but he was faster and pulled a gun from his belt. Everyone stumbled backwards, some even raising their hands in surrender.

'Or what?' He questioned. 'You gonna kick me out?'

'Put that gun down Rick,' Deanna spoke slowly.

Breathing heavily the man shook his head and Milo realised the man had snapped. All he wanted was to protect his family but around these people he only saw more danger, hell he had two deaths to prove it. 'You still don't get it,' Rick panted, shaking his head. 'None of you do!'

Milo knew he was right, they didn't get it. But where Rick saw danger in ignorance, he saw opportunity. They could teach these people how to survive and they could teach them how to live.

'We know what needs to be done and we do it,' Rick continued. 'We're the ones who live! You, you just sit and plan and hesitate! You pretend like you know when you don't! You wish things weren't what they are. Well, you wanna live? You want this place to stay standing? Your way of doing things is done!'

Horror was panted on Deanna's face and suddenly Gabriel's words echoed through Milo his head. Rick was only proving Gabriel right by his actions and if he went on like Milo feared for what would happen. But it was too late now to take it back.

'Things don't get better because you want them to,' Rick went on, completely lost in his rage and his fears. 'Starting right now, we have to live in the real world. We have to control who lives here!' He pointed the gun at Pete, his rage morphing into something else...hatred.

'That's never been more clear to me than it is right now,' Deanna spoke and with her words Milo's heart dropped in his chest.

'Me?' Rick questioned. 'Me? You...' He laughed humorlessly. 'You mean me? Your way is gonna destroy this place. It's gonna get people get. It's already gotten people killed. And I'm not gonna stand by and just let it happen. If you don't fight, you die. I'm not gonna stand by-' Michonne came out of nowhere and knocked Rick down. He fell to floor, unconscious, his words still hung in the air like an eerie echo and Milo feared the impact they would have.

A U T H O R 'S  N O T E

So lately I really felt like doing a rewrite of this fanfic. I went back and read some chapters and I have so many ideas to improve the plot. Don't worry the story will remain published and updates of new chapters will continue as planned. There won't be any big changes to the plot but my writing has improved a lot and so has my knowledge of the Walking Dead Fandom. So, if you feel like rereading, keep your eyes open for updates on the proces!

On another note, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! It's always painful to write one of your characters in pain, especially when it comes to Milo because he's just the best to be honest. But I felt like this was necessary for him to grow as a person.

The next chapter will be Daryl, Quinn and Aaron out and searching for people! Can't wait for you guys to read that so I'll just stop talking now so I can write the next chapter, which will be published saturday! I'm really trying to get back on my normal update schedule so you guys won't have to wait for updates as long. Hope I can do it :)

xXx

UYM