"Thrice-damned locavore shifters, sustainable, non-GMO vampires and cruelty free demonkin. Cruelty... Free... Demonkin..."
Each word was punctuated by the dull thud of my forehead against the desk.
"Don't forget the Fae." My assistant Jaebie stammered a hesitant apology.
"And of course the Fae" I whimpered. "I really don't want to kn-"
" Single-sourced, hand-harvested, fair trade dew drops." His voice weakened with each syllable and his 8ft frame folded in on itself attempting to hide from my baleful glare.

"It can't be done. There is absolutely no way to pull this off. A hundred otherworldly delegates at an emergency lunch meeting and we have to provide live meat, fresh blood, burnt offerings, and magical moonbeam dewdrops that meet these new ridiculous standards. Where am I going to find gluten-free, hormone-free, antibiotic-free, free-range human sacrifices? And what. is. this? Does this say VEGAN? Do we seriously have to cater to a vegan dragon shifter? I know, I'll build a princess sized and shaped black bean burger and dress it (literally) with an empire-waist tomato and lettuce evening gown."

Jaebie interrupted my tirade just as I was really getting into it. He slammed the ancient copper kettle on the desktop. A grimy film of dust coated the kettle's surface.

"Call him, Helle"
"No. No. No. I don't need him. He's an arrogant, insufferable jerk."
"We need him. You know it. Stop wasting time and make the call."

I gazed up at my assistant, doubt and fear evident on my face.
"It will be my second call. I'll only have one left after this."
"If we fail today, it won't matter how many calls you have left."
"Alright fine! But just so you know, you're inheriting him after I make that last call."

Satisfied with my assistant's shocked and horrified expression, I swallowed hard, scrunched up my eyes, grabbed a dishcloth and vigorously scrubbed the filthy kettle.

"Otherworldly Kitchen Nightmares, Ram Zi speaking. What fresh horrors can I provide for you today?"

My eye roll was so powerful, an echo of thunder followed it around the kitchen. Gritting my teeth I followed the explicit instructions left by my predecessor when  he bequeathed the Djinn to me.

"Oh great and powerful Ram Zi, Master Chef of the seven hells and five heavens, we mere immortals are not worthy of your magnificent skill. Only you can save us now in this hour of dire need."

The being that flowed from the kettle's spout was truly magnificent. Damn his piercing blue eyes and sharp punchable jawline.

"Helle my darling, it's been ages. I'm beginning to think you only call me when you need something."

I nod in agreement. Truer words were never spoken. As I explain the sudden need for a hundred cover dinner with multiple special diet requests, Ram Zi wandered around my kitchen, checking freezers and ovens, scrutinizing my line cooks and prep workers. One unfortunate young fellow, unaware of the Djinn's presence, slammed directly into Ram Zi's chest, stepped on his foot and spilled a sack of grain all over the floor.

"You donkey! Get out here."

I rushed to my employee's defense only to realize Ram Zi was speaking to an actual donkey, which was reluctantly emerging from his kettle. He led the beast to the spilled grain and let him feed.

"Marko here needed a meal anyway. Now calm down and get control. Helle this is your kitchen. We will serve these customers and then close tomorrow to work on the menu and relaunch the restaurant. We want something fresh and vibrant and simple."

I stood in shock for a moment as he completely took control of my kitchen, summoning a variety of live and dead humans, beasts and plant matter and dispersed them with quick instructions to my staff.

"No." I state firmly. " You will not alter my menus. You are an ecological, geological menace. Meteor shower flambees for New Years blackened the skies for decades and doomed the dinosaurs. You instigated Ice Ages to experiment with meat popsicles. And what about your Campaign for Real Cavey to encourage consumption of the early humans?"

"Bloody brilliant wasn't I? Some of those mammoths will come in handy tonight. Those were the millennia."

"You caused the total annihilation of the Neanderthal and Denisovan peoples because demand for 'real cavemen' was so high."

Ram Zi shrugged off my complaints, stating that we would continue the discussion after completing service. The rest of the prep went smoothly. My staff handling the rough work with Ram Zi and I plating. Things were going smoothly and I started to breathe a bit easier.

"It's RAAWWWWWWWWWWW!" An entire side of bloody mammoth bounced off the prep station as Ram Zi slammed his fist down, denting the steel counter. The scrawny ghouls in charge of that station cringed and cowered away from the djinn's impressive rage. " You, you and you, eff off out of here." Once the ghouls were safely out of range, he seared the carcass to a beautiful medium rare with a well-placed fireball.

At last the furious pace slowed. All one hundred special orders were complete and ready to serve.

"It's time. Jaebie, open Helle's Kitchen."

While Jaebie supervised the wait staff serving, I organized the kitchen crew for clean up. A collective sigh filled the air once service was complete. Ram Zi clapped Jaebie on the back and kissed my cheek.

"Helle my love, I've had a brilliant idea. We should go into business together. Fine dining, even finer accomodations, atmosphere, ambiance. What do you say darling? Hotel Helle?"

                                                                               Oh. helle. no.