alexithymia: the inability to identify and describe emotions felt by oneself or others

word count: 5531

(A/N: this is a bonus chapter that has nothing to do with the apprentices, it's just a little- oh who am i kidding it's hardly little- chapter that depicts hornetstar's nine lives ceremony. it's, uh, not really filler, seeing as it's the longest thing i've ever written, but i wanted to do this, and a couple of you said it'd be ok if i did, so yeah... enjoy the next 5465 words of not naming apprentices in the middle of an nta. but i still think it's good, so yeah :3)

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hornetmoon and aspenrise climbed up the sloping hill, smoothed down into soft soil by the millenia of stream water that had once slithered over this land. their destination wouldn't be far off by now.

the evening dusk was painted a hundred different shades of orange and purple, and few clouds soared across it. foliage and leaves obscured the sky, and the sun could barely be seen through it; it was merely a speck of warm amber trickling its light between the heavy layers of greenery.

"come on, now." aspenrise, who walked a few paces ahead of hornetmoon, looked over his shoulder. "we don't want to waste moonlight."

"do you see the moon? do you see stars?" hornetmoon retorted. "don't get your tail in a twist. we've plenty of time."

the dark ginger tom muttered something under his breath that hornetmoon couldn't quite catch.

the pair had been following the river upstream since that morning. it was a long journey, but a necessary one; with cloudstar dead, hornetmoon needed her nine lives and to be recognised by starclan as leader.

at last, they reached the cleaving rock- a weathered gray slab of stone, impossibly tall, that stuck out of the water, splitting the wide current into two. besides signifying that starclan's sacred place was near, it also created the delta which the clan was named after. the rock's dusty surface was constantly being splashed with water, revealing its natural dark face speckled with white. hornetmoon imagined that it was stuck fast into the ground, immovable by anything. the river was deltaclan's life source, after all.

aspenrise drew forward confidently; at this rate, their journey would be over at moonrise. but the sight of the cleaving rock made hornetmoon realize just how close she was to becoming clan leader.

but how suitable was she, really? for the vast majority of her apprentice life, her loyalty to the clan was born from cynicism, not kinship. even though she knew those days were seasons gone, she couldn't help but think why she of all cats was chosen to be deputy after snowdropfall's death. most likely fishriver or ashenspirit would have been chosen, if they'd had apprentices at the time. or dolphinsplash, even; the younger warriors probably see her as an eccentric senior warrior... that's most likely why she wasn't chosen. still, she has great wisdom, and i know she's had at least one apprentice in coralwish.

why did cloudstar choose me?

sudden apprehension washed over hornetmoon, but determined not to let it show, she tried to wear a neutral mask and move on, and she followed aspenrise up the gentle slope. she didn't know if aspenrise would sympathize with her anyway; he was brisk and serious and only softened towards those under his care.

the sun slowly sank down from the sky, and the moon rose to take its place.

"we're here." the ginger classic tabby turned his head. his amber gaze pierced hornetmoon like a thorn. can he tell that i'm nervous? hornetmoon looked past him to starclan's sacred place.

aspenrise and hornetmoon stood by a wide expanse of water which was being fed by a misty waterfall. misty, in the sense that the water being poured looked more like a soft white smoke of sorts than actual water, being pooled at the base of the little waterfall. a fox-length or two away was a barrier of small, smooth-topped stones, each one large enough to support one or two cats each; they were wide enough to let water through, but probably not enough for a large cat to slip through. at the stones' edge were a scattered bunch of flat, round leaves. in their midst, drifting close to the stones, was the moonblossom: a single white water lily, its petals stretching towards the sky. all around, yellow and green fireflies buzzed around, their lights twinkling serenely like little stars.

"any moment now," aspenrise murmured, his amber gaze turning towards the new night sky. hornetmoon said nothing and glanced upwards at the droopy-branched trees. the thick overgrowth from before had dispersed quite a bit, and here, the branches left the sky open. soon...

the moon appeared from above one of the branches, bringing its light to the pool. the whole pond lit up at the moon's touch. suddenly, the water seemed to glow, and white ripples of light danced on the water's surface. the moonblossom itself became a miniature star, its now-radiant snowy petals dazzling in the moonlight.

"are you ready?" aspenrise turned to face hornetmoon, who stated back blankly. her throat felt like closing up, and her heart was screaming at her to turn tail. her paws turned to ice... hornetmoon gave herself a mental shake. no, i accepted her offer to be deputy. cloudstar depended on me, and i cannot doubt her, especially not now.

hornetmoon nodded, desperately trying not to let her increasing panic show. aspenrise dipped his head and turned around to make his way onto the river stones. hornetmoon followed, her pads barely feeling the coolness of the rocks. the stones' surfaces didn't touch the water, so they were dry and safe for the cats to walk on.

aspenrise stopped on the rock closest to the white water lily and beckoned hornetmoon with his tail.

hornetmoon stepped onto the rock and stood beside aspenrise. it was easily big enough for the two of them, but a third cat might have been pressed for room. not far below them, a continuous stream of water swirled playfully and flowed around the gray boulder to enter the river; if she stretched a forepaw downwards, hornetmoon would likely be able to partially submerge her leg in water.

"settle down, hornetmoon, and touch your nose to the moonblossom." aspenrise nodded towards the flower floating in the pool.

taking a deep breath in an attempt to calm her thudding heart, hornetmoon crouched down, curling her thin tail by her side. there's no turning back now. hornetmoon stole a quick glance at aspenrise; his paws were tucked under him, and his eyes were already closed. the cream tabby she-cat bent her head downwards, keeping her nervous gaze on the ginger medicine cat. he didn't move or give any indication that he knew hornetmoon was being hesitant.

hornetmoon took a few more breaths. no turning back, she reminded herself. closing her eyes, she touched her nose to the moonblossom, waiting for sleep to come.

heartbeats passed. then, hornetmoon was swept into a wave of blackness. whispers and scents darted by, some familiar, some not. and the cold... hornetmoon felt as though she could never be warm again, the way this frigidity seeped through her fur and into her body... hornetmoon kept her eyes closed shut, wondering if aspenrise and peonylinger had to endure this every time they spoke with their ancestors.

"you can open your eyes, hornetmoon."

hesitantly, hornetmoon opened her coppery brown eyes; at first, she only opened them to a narrow slit, but then she opened them fully, for it wasn't the black barrenness that she'd expected. it took her a moment to absorb her surroundings: she and aspenrise stood in the middle of a grassy stretch of land. far away to her left was an expanse of trees, a sea of nothing but green leaves. to her right, about two tail-lengths away from aspenrise, a sky blue lake glimmered, its waters so clear that hornetmoon could see brown and gray stones resting at the bottom, their shiny facets reflecting the silvery light that this place emitted. on the far side of the lake, a ridge of brown stone was wedged into the ground, its face gently lit by the moonlight. everything looked much paler than it would in life... it was as if a cloud had descended onto the world and given everything a misty quality.

hornetmoon stared at the lake in silence. are there any fish in there? if not, where does starclan hunt? the cream and white she-cat blinked, than looked up. in front of her, a swathe of meadow swam in front of her, the grass and flowers swaying amiably. in the distance, a crop of evergreen trees stretched towards starclan's navy sky. the warriors of silverpelt seemed to shine brighter than ever, and for a second, hornetmoon's gaze swept the band of stars, wondering which one represented cloudstar.

and then the warriors came.

one by one, starclan's ranks made themselves known. they appeared by the masses; soon, a glowing wave of cats stood before hornetmoon and aspenrise. their pelts shone with stars, and their eyes were bright. one of them broke from the crowd: a solid white she-cat, her pelt thick and sleek, her amber eyes glimmering with wisdom.

"cloudstar." hornetmoon's mew was husky with grief.

"greetings, hornetmoon. i'm glad to see you again." cloudstar's tone was level, her voice just as sweet and melodic as it had been in life.

hornetmoon stood still for a moment. it felt strange, for this cat who'd died just two days ago to be standing in front of her. "... where are we?" hornetmoon's tail swept around. "i thought that starclan's hunting grounds would be like our own."

cloudstar smiled- it was warm, but there was something behind it that hornetmoon couldn't quite place. "starclan's home mirrors the real world. turn around, my dear. do you recognize this place?"

the cream and white she-cat turned around. the land behind her dropped down into a cliff that hung over a pale blue-green ocean. beyond it... not much to be seen. it was an area of land which hornetmoon could not immediately identify, with sparse trees sticking out of the earth here and there; it certainly wasn't a part of clan territory. what hornetmoon noticed only later was the gap in the land through which water rushed out into the ocean, and the familiar jagged spires scattered around it...

"oh, cloudstar, no..." hornetmoon faced cloudstar, a shiver, a cry building up in her chest. but the white she-cat gazed back at hornetmoon with unmistakable fondness in her eyes.

"you thought that, had you warned me, i would have lived," cloudstar murmured softly, tilting her head. "but then, pineconerain would not have come down from starclan, and dolphinpaw would not have lived."

"pineconerain? who is-"

"my sister. she completed the deed that i'd set out to do, and i'm grateful for that." cloudstar's eyes shone as she took a step forward and pressed her nose against hornetmoon's forehead. "i do not regret my choices. is it not the pledge we take at our warrior ceremonies that we serve our clan with our lives? with this life, i give you bravery. use it well, for it will help you persevere through whatever dangers the clan may face, and come out of it stronger than before."

hornetmoon took a shaky breath and welcomed the stream of newfound determination that rushed through her. an image swam before her vision, an image of herself rising against a swarm of shadow, but her pelt seemed to glow as she met the darkness, and it dissipated as she ran through. all this, she saw in a split second, and when she blinked, it was cloudstar who stood in front of her, pulling away and giving her former deputy a comforting smile.

"i do not regret my choices," the thick-furred she-cat repeated as she turned away. "don't think for a moment that i regretted making you my deputy."

relief tingled at hornetmoon's pelt. she wanted to say something to her former leader- thank you, perhaps, or i'm sorry- but as she padded away, another cat took her place: a broad, golden tabby she-cat who was slightly taller than cloudstar, her stripes blotchy and swirling down her sides. her fern green eyes were gentle and serene as she dipped her head in greeting.

"do you remember me, hornetmoon?" the she-cat's voice was baritone, unlike cloudstar's, but it still flowed soft as honey.

hornetmoon stared at the golden she-cat, and for a moment, she was back in the middle of the forest. it was near pitch black, and her emotions had been overwhelming... the despairing and remorseful scream of an apprentice, a broken conversation, a blow, a slash, a ceremony.

hornetmoon remembered the night well: the night when creststar had been killed by fallenpaw, and when fallenpaw had turned on her, hornetmoon- hornetpaw, then- had accidentally struck a lethal blow on the cat who had been her best friend.

creststar studied hornetmoon's face. "all has been forgiven. your friend was driven to action by a dark forest warrior; she was not herself." the golden tabby she-cat had to bow her head to touch her nose to hornetstar's head. "with this life, i give you faith," she intoned. "even in the darkest of times, your clanmates and your ancestors will fight by your side. is that not the mark of a warrior?"

a small sun seemed to birth inside hornetmoon's chest, filling her with a sort of inner peace. how long has it been since i was at peace? the question shook hornetmoon to the core. she breathed in, and suddenly, she was calm again.

"i regret that your path has had to be this difficult," creststar meowed. "i can only wish you peace in the days to come."

hornetmoon dipped her head, and soon creststar was replaced by a slender, snowy-white she-cat. her smoky gray toes bounced upon the grass, and her aquamarine eyes sparkled with life- not like the pain they had borne during her final moments battling redcough. hornetmoon's heart skipped a beat as she recognized snowdropfall, who had been cloudstar's first deputy.

"snowdropfall-"

"shush, hornetmoon." snowdropfall silenced the cream and white she-cat with a light, whisperous mew. "i know what you want to say, but no, it was starclan's will for me to join them. i lived a long and fulfilling life, and you are deltaclan's rightful leader now." the lithe she-cat leaned closer and stretched her head upwards to touch hornetmoon's cheek with her nose.

"with this life, i give you wisdom." hornetmoon expected the white she-cat's breath to tickle her ear, but there was nothing. "trust yourself to know the right choice, and honour the choices you must make, even if they seem impossible."

warmth flooded hornetmoon, and suddenly her vision seemed sharper. she felt a surge of certainty shoot through her body, fierce as fire, yet warm to the touch. a stab of pain to her heart made hornetmoon flinch; she knew that some decisions would seem unacceptable, even outrageous, but she would have to guide her clan down the right path.

hornetmoon swayed on her paws like rushes in the breeze. her eyes met snowdropfall's, who was already turning away. "tell my son hello for me," she mewed before disappearing back into the ranks, her black-tipped tail seemingly floating behind her. only later would hornetmoon realize the significance of snowdropfall's words.

a ripple of uncertainty washed over starclan's assembled masses. what's going on? hornetmoon looked at aspenrise; his troubled expression mirrored her own. then, a new cat broke away from the frontal row of warriors: a long-furred ginger tom with a white underside and a white mask over his muzzle and nose.

hornetmoon's whole body turned to ice as she glowered at the tom. but his expression betrayed no hurt, none of the bitterness it had borne the last time hornetmoon had seen him at three moons old.

"you." hornetmoon's face contorted into a snarl.

"yes, me," replied galefrost, a look of resignation flickering on his face. "hello, hornetmoon. it's been a while."

for a moment, the two stared at each other. hornetmoon's pupils were already narrowing into black slits, disgusted at how similar shades of brown her eyes were to her excuse for a father's.

"no."

the word dropped like a stone as hornetmoon spat it out.

galefrost made no reaction.

"you abandoned me when i was alone in the world. don't think you can start doing me any favours now."

galefrost plopped into a sitting position, his expression unchanging. "i had just lost my entire family, and you reminded me too much of my dead mate. your face seared fresh grief onto me whenever i laid eyes on it."

"you made an orphan out of your own daughter!" hornetmoon's voice rose to an earsplitting yowl. "you say you lost your entire family? well, i was your family, you blithering minnow-brain! didn't you think for a moment how terrible it was for to grow up with no one?" hornetmoon's voice cracked. "didn't you ever care about how lonely i was?"

galefrost opened his mouth to say something, but hornetmoon was on a roll. "fallensun had sweetpetal and blazewing" she meowed, "vixenspring had burrstripe and duskfoot, and rootcrow had mushroomskip and coldswift. i had the knowledge that my only living kin wanted nothing to do with me! and don't even bring up fishriver and ashenspirit's parents," hornetstar added, "one was dead and the other was a rogue, so if i were you, i wouldn't make excuses."

hornetmoon's lips curled back into a snarl. "and didn't you disappear from clan territory a quarter-moon before my apprenticeship?" her voice morphed yet again into a tight whisper. "how fox-hearted of you to run away from your duties, your emotions, and your helpless kit!" the cream and white tabby backed away, secretly unsure if her paws would be allowed to move, but glad that they could. "go back from whence you came. i will not take a life from you."

"h-hornetmoon, are you sure?" aspenrise's mew was tremulous and brittle. "will starclan even allow this?"

"i don't care!" hornetmoon had to restrain herself from snarling at the ginger tabby tom- but that wasn't too hard, seeing as her eyes were fixated on the cat who had abandoned her.

galefrost glanced behind him, as if he too was waiting for starclan's verdict. then he sighed. "i cannot force you to take it if you will not have it." the ginger and white tom rose to his paws. "you do not have to forgive me, and i doubt you ever will. but know that i am sorry for what i did to you."

galefrost turned and left. a tinge of emotion pricked at hornetstar's pelt- what was that, regret? she instantly hated that feeling for existing in her. unflinchingly, she watched her father leave, and another cat took this place. the newcomer was the mirror image of hornetmoon, except her stripes were broken into little spots instead of all being connected, and her eyes were a bright amber instead of brown. hornetmoon's eyes flew wide as she recognized the cat who now stood before her.

"cobratooth?"

"we finally meet again, my sweet." cobratooth took a step forward to nuzzle her daughter, and hornetmoon, purring, returned the gesture.

"i regret not being able to be with you," cobratooth murmured, "but it was my time to go. i'm so proud of you, hornetmoon." cobratooth pulled away and shook herself, laughter bubbling up inside of her. "i'm here to give you a life, not to chat- although i wish we had time for that, too."

cobratooth's gaze grew somber, and she touched her nose to hornetmoon's. "my life is for understanding and forgiveness. things may happen for reasons no one understands, but it's the best we can do to embrace it, accept it, and move on, however hard that may be."

hornetmoon tensed as a feeling of anguish and confusion suddenly overcame her, threatening to choke her. hornetmoon squeezed her eyes shut, desperate for breath as the terror crushed her more and more, until it felt as if she must cry out or be swamped by the pain; her instinct was to run away, but her legs wouldn't obey her... then the sensation ebbed away, all her negative emotions draining away like water off a leaf and slowly being replaced by a sense of calm.

"i can only imagine how hard such a thing must be for you," cobratooth meowed. she glanced over her shoulder at starclan's assembly. "galefrost meant it when he apologized to you. i know how you must see him, but he tried... starclan predicted this, you know," cobratooth added, facing hornetmoon once more. "we were originally going to ask baywatcher- creststar's deputy before cloudstar- to give you your fourth life, but galefrost wanted the chance to express his remorse."

hornetmoon stared past her mother, not wanting to admit she was trying to catch galefrost's pelt, but he seemed to have melted into the crowd. "my earliest memory... is of him leaving me," hornetmoon whispered. "i know your memories of him... must all be good ones..." hornetmoon's meow trailed away. "i'm sorry, cobratooth, but-"

cobratooth raised a forepaw, silencing her daughter. "all you need to do is try, my love. you're already doing great." cobratooth hesitated, then added, "when you are ready, you can come back here, and starclan will allow you to reclaim the life you denied." cobratooth smiled and padded away. hornetmoon stared at her mother's pelt as she sat with starclan once more. she seemed to outshine the other warriors as she glowed with pride.

hornetmoon's gaze travelled from one glimmering cat to another. who would be next to grant her a life? a soft squeal of excitement burst from hornetmoon's paws, and she looked down, startled. at her feet stood two small kits. one pale ginger with eyes the colour of dying embers, the other pale cream with a white throat and chest and eyes that matched hornetmoon's own. she hadn't smelled that scent in so long... these two, like cobratooth, had been killed by greencough that had ravaged the forest when she was but a kit... except she, hornetmoon, had survived.

these two were hornetmoon's brothers, who had joined starclan before their time.

"oh, amberkit, thriftkit..." hornetmoon was speechless. she had never expected to see her brothers again until she herself joined starclan's ranks.

"hi, hornetmoon!" the pale ginger one squeaked. he stretched up and batted hornetmoon's leg with his white-toed forepaws, and when hornetmoon gave him a playful growl, he fell back and rolled over, laughing, and hornetmoon laughed too, a sound of pure happiness. it had been countless moons since she had had the chance to play with her siblings, and amberkit was always so lively... but the laugh turned bittersweet as she looked at him and saw the starlight shimmering in his orange mackerel tabby fur. "oh, little ones, i wish you could've grown up with me."

"me, too." amberkit sat up on his haunches. "but we've always watched you from here, and we're so proud of you."

amberkit stretched up, his fiery eyes shining with pride, and hornetmoon had to stoop down to touch her nose to his. "with this life, i give you joy. use it to keep your spirit light and your heart open."

hornetmoon drank in the energy that seemed to flow from amberkit. she felt as though she were soaring through the clouds... a purr rose up inside of her, and she couldn't help but let it out.

"i never forgot you," hornetmoon promised. "i just wish we could have spent more time together."

amberkit didn't give a reply, but understanding and affection beyond words shone in his eyes as he backed away. then thriftkit sat up on his haunches, copying his brother.

"i understand how hard your life has been, but i promise that we were there for you, and we always will be." thriftkit was more serious than his brother had been, but behind his gaze sparkled the same joy that amberkit had flaunted. "the life of a warrior is never easy; yours was harder than most, but we are glad to see how you persevered."

"i had help," purred hornetmoon, remembering hotheaded fishriver's determination to make her come out of her shell.

"starclan is normally not allowed to directly interfere with living warriors' lives," thriftkit mewed, "but if we could have helped you more, then know that we would've done it in a heartbeat." the cream-colored tabby reached out his head, his broken stripes rippling along his sides in the exact same pattern as cobratooth's. once again, hornetmoon bent down, and thriftkit's cheek brushed against her own.

"with this life, i give you loyalty. i remember when you felt like you only served your clanmates out of obligation. use this gift well, and know that your clanmates would lay their lives down for you because of the bond you share with them. and i know that now, you would do the same for them." thriftkit swayed on his paws, a serene expression on his face.

hornetmoon felt like her paws were floating. a tailwind blew behind her, and she rushed forward with a fire lit in her heart to battle any enemy who dared threaten her clan.

"lead well, hornetmoon." thriftkit's meow jolted hornetmoon back to the present. the young kit met his sister's gaze as she nodded with conviction. "not just for your clanmates, but for us, too."

"i will." hornetmoon wanted to follow her brother as they left to rejoin starclan, but the next cat was already padding forward to greet hornetmoon. fresh grief welled up inside of her as she spotted the lightly framed pale cream and white she-cat walking towards her. even though she had been nearly the age of a full warrior when she'd died, she was still barely half of hornetmoon's size; the skinny apprentice's ear tips were just shy of reaching hornetstar's muzzle.

"greetings, hornetmoon." peachpaw's sleek, short fur glittered with starlight, showing no moisture, nothing that would suggest her untimely demise to the force of the flood. her pale brown eyes met hornetmoon's gaze. "i know that going to the river was dolphinpaw's idea, but please let them know that they have nothing to blame themselves for. peachpaw's gaze darkened. "my brother seems to express otherwise, but he is driven by pure grief, nothing more."

"to be honest, i don't know if dolphinpaw would listen to me if i told them." hornetmoon lowered her gaze. "they would probably think that i was being polite."

peachpaw drew close to hornetmoon and touched her nose to hornetmoon's chin. "that's alright. dolphinpaw has always been a kind cat. like you and i, they care greatly about that which they feel responsible for. with this life, i give you selflessness. use it well to protect your clanmates, and serve your clan well through all your lives."

a shock of mingled fear and determination caught hornetmoon by surprise, warming her to her toes. she was blind, and the only sensation she knew was the warmth of her own resolve. then the warmth grew to searing fire, and then, a foreign coldness dazed the heat, but her determination would not die... the feelings of terror and willpower grew stronger and stronger, roaring like lions inside of her spirit until hornetstar could not contain it. she tried to draw breath, but all she got was a mouthful of frigid water... then it ended with a rippling blue-gray, and the shimmer of water and stars.

hornetmoon stared at the apprentice before her, suppressing the sudden urge to express her condolences. peachpaw nodded with a small, melancholy smile, like she knew what hornetmoon wanted to say, even before she said it.

"... do you want me to say anything to sparkpaw?" hornetmoon's voice sounded hollow, even to herself.

peachpaw cocked her head. "speak to sparkpaw?" her meow took on a curious tone, but even hornetmoon could tell that it masked a kind of sobriety. "no, there's no need for that." something lingered in the young cream and white she-cat's rich ochre gaze, something hornetmoon couldn't quite place. "we will be seeing each other again soon enough."

before hornetmoon could ask her what she meant, she was gone, and the last warrior took her place. a lump of sorrow caught in hornetstar's throat as she lay eyes on the familiar mottled coat of brown and gray. silver light twinkled from the depths of the long fur now, no sign of the ugly wound hornetmoon had left on that chest so many moons ago. friendly cinnamon eyes sparkled at hornetmoon as the last warrior came closer, stopping only a whisker-length away from the cat who had always been her best friend.

"fallensun?" hornetmoon's whisper spilled forth all the emotions that had come flooding back.

the mottled she-cat dipped her head. "that is what they call me now. fallensun..." the gray and brown she-cat mused her name; it was a name she had never borne in life, but it was what she was called, thanks to hornetmoon's final act for her. "thank you for giving me a second chance, my friend. i'm sorry i couldn't see what really mattered back then."

"i..." hornetmoon couldn't think of what to say. "... you... are taller than i remembered."

it was true; while fallensun had only been seven moons old at death, she now stood nearly as tall as hornetmoon.

"starclan cats take on the appearance of when they were happiest," fallensun answered, leaning forward to nuzzle hornetmoon. "but i would have been happiest if i had lived my life with you. this is how i will be for the rest of memory."

hornetmoon pressed back in silence, her heart pounding against her chest, her breaths growing steadily shakier. she closed her eyes, trying to drink in fallensun's scent, never wanting to forget it, to leave it behind.

"oh, hornetmoon, the next time we meet will be too soon for me, and too long for you," fallensun breathed. "you have grown so much since i last had the chance to share tongues with you. with this life, i give you the ability to express and feel emotion. i know you aren't exactly the type to flaunt her emotions on her pelt, but you aren't invisible anymore. show them how you feel, and they will care. you are never alone, hornetmoon, remember that."

this time, no rush of energy came for hornetmoon; instead, she felt her soul slowly get filled with emotions. there were positive ones, like happiness and excitement, and there were negative ones, like hurt and sorrow. some of them hornetmoon couldn't even put a name to. all these new feelings overwhelmed hornetmoon, imprinting themselves onto her heart, and she felt as if she spoke, it would all dissipate. it felt like hornetmoon was really feeling for the first time.

and then the she-cat collapsed onto the ground and began to cry.

"give her some time," fallensun called out before sinking to the ground and draping her long, feather-like tail upon hornetmoon's shoulders. in a canorous, mellow voice, she murmured words only for hornetmoon's ears. the rest of starclan watched in a respectful silence, and even aspenrise watched, a small smile gracing his usually stoic face.

no one could tell how long they stayed like that: fallensun whispering into hornetmoon's ears, hornetmoon crouched on the grass, shoulders shaking in a sob, not really knowing if she was happy or sad or both. but eventually, hornetmoon finally pushed herself to her feet, carefully and hesitantly when she did, as though the emotions she had felt could be spilled away if she fell over.

"you have done well, hornetstar." fallensun's proclamation was followed by a ripple among starclan's ranks. "hornetstar, hornetstar." the name was carried by the rows and rows of starry cats.

hornetstar took an unsteady breath, but she raised her head and scanned the crowd. and as her gaze found the thick ginger and white pelt, her expression did not reveal anger, but instead a new kind of sombre.

the surroundings started to whiten and turn into clouds and mist. starclan's warriors shimmered, looking like they could be blown away at any moment. hornetstar knew that her time here was done.

"i'll miss you." hornetstar, watery-eyed and shaken up, met fallensun's gaze.

fallensun nodded with a smile- a smile that, although tinged with sadness knowing that her time with hornetstar was over for now, also showed her pride in her friend. "i will wait for you."

hornetstar's vision turned blurry, then faded to black. and then she and aspenrise awoke at the pool next to the moonblossom.

"hornetstar?"

the water splashed cheerfully from the waterfall into the pool just as it had before, and the moonblossom itself seemed to beam at the morning sky. a delicate smile made its way into hornetstar's face.

"how are you feeling?"

hornetstar stared at the moonblossom, trying to figure out her feelings. she felt... free. she also felt like her heart was tugging at her chest and trying to burst out, but she felt so alive.

"i feel... good." hornetstar closed her eyes for a brief moment, giving a silent thanks to her warrior ancestors. she turned to aspenrise, her pleasure still glowing on her face, and aspenrise gave her a small smile in return.

"then let us return. you have a clan to lead now."

hornetstar nodded, and as she and aspenrise made their way back on land, she took one last glance at the moonblossom.

i will treasure the lives and the gifts you gave me, always.