◤ havenpaw ◥

♔ gender-fluid. she/her or he/him. ♔

♔ cream ticked tabby cat with darker shading on the back and tail and copper eyes. ♔

♔ compassionate. stubborn. cares greatly about others' opinions. impulsive. irresponsible. deadpan. sassy. mordant. abrasive. hates feeling vulnerable. observant. ♔

◣ ❝ it's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone ❞ ◢

❦ story ❦

"last one to the gorge is a mouse!"

havenpaw streaked over the dry grass, his cream-colored paws almost flying over the rough bladed ground. a few pawsteps behind was martenpaw, whose cinnamon and ginger fur seemed to reflect the dappled sunlight.

"hey, no fair. you know you're a faster runner than me!" havenpaw ignored martenpaw's whining and ran even faster.

havenpaw crested over the rise, a grin spreading on his face. any second now. the trees were already thinning out, and soon enough...

at last, the clearing opened up to a thin stretch of grassland, where the lack of trees let the sun shine down onto the verdant grass. a badger-length or two away was where the moor ended and where the land dropped down into the river.

"you already knew that you'd win because you're bigger than me!" martenpaw finally stopped next to their friend, panting hard. "i'm two and a half moons younger than you, you stinking fox-heart!"

havwnpaw's only response was an amused purr. "aw, come on, martenpaw. we both know you love running either way."

havenpaw padded until he was at the edge of the cliff, and martenpaw followed, still mumbling under their breath. flat land stretched beyond the opposite riverbank, and the river shimmered with sunlight below their paws.

"isn't this beautiful?"

"i- i guess?" martenpaw screwed up their eyes, blinded by the sparkling water. "so what?"

"so just stay here and enjoy it, you mouse-brain!" havenpaw gave martenpaw a playful clout over the head. "it's so nice out here."

"... would be nicer with kingfisherpaw." martenpaw turned their face away from havenpaw, not wanting to meet his gaze.

"..." havenpaw flashed back to a greenleaf's day a few moons ago: martenpaw, kingfisherpaw and their mentors, dovelily and newtwake, had encountered a rogue snake in the outskirts of the forest. kingfisherpaw had been bitten before dovelily was able to kill it, and they were too far from camp to fetch aspenrise or peonylinger in time... havenpaw hadn't been there when it happened, but martenpaw's description had been enough.

"... are you okay?"

"no! i mean- just leave me alone." martenpaw's ochre eyes squeezed shut as they shook their head slowly, their claws digging into the earth. their breaths were growing increasingly shallow.

havenpaw shivered inwardly, afraid and unsure of what to do, to listen to martenpaw and leave or to stay anyway.

... of course, this hadn't been the first time; kingfisherpaw had died moons ago. but havenpaw felt so wrong if he just left, and if he stayed and tried to talk to martenpaw... martenpaw didn't exactly take it well. havenpaw knew to take that anger with a mousetail; it was grief, not martenpaw themselves, who spoke that way, after all.

but what could havenpaw have done?... nothing? so he merely sat down next to martenpaw, not knowing what to say, but wanting to say something so badly.

after an eternity, martenpaw's eyes opened again.

the tortoiseshell and white cat was still trembling, but their breathing had considerably smoothened. havenpaw just watched, shifting his paws, still internally panicking.

eventually, martenpaw's ochre gaze dragged from the river to havenpaw. "you... didn't say anything."

a sting of regret plucked at havenpaw's heart. before havenpaw could find the voice to apologize, martenpaw pulled their eyes downwards. "thank starclan." martenpaw rose to their paws and stretched, as if nothing had happened.

but havenpaw's whole body froze, and icy claws tore at his heart.

thank starclan?

havenpaw shook himself mentally, forcing himself to drop his anxieties. he pushed the ice away from inside... because martenpaw couldn't have meant what they said, could they? havenpaw was martenpaw's oldest friend beside kingfisherpaw; surely they didn't want havenpaw to... to abandon them in their own head?

havenpaw took a sharp, shuddering breath in an attempt to calm himself, to be rid of these unwanted, untrue thoughts. but unease still clawed at his chest. what else could martenpaw have meant? havenpaw knew that their emotions hadn't taken over, for his friend had clearly visibly calmed.

so what is it, martenpaw?

"let's go back." martenpaw's mew penetrated havenpaw's thoughts. martenpaw went right on ahead, not even turning back to look at their friend's face.

no- now they turned back. but they seemed blissfully unaware of havenpaw's growing turmoil. they were... smiling? havenpaw couldn't really tell, from the flicker of what was seemingly... relief? something that crossed martenpaw's dappled face. something that was definitely not unpleasant, for the first time since havenpaw had witnessed martenpaw lose themselves in kingfisherpaw's death.

havenpaw didn't want to believe it... but was martenpaw really better off without him?

***

the ice came back as havenpaw tried to sleep.

curled up in his nest, havenpaw's eyes stayed wide open as his mind replayed the scene against his will.

thank starclan.

thank starclan that you didn't try to help me.

thank starclan that you didn't try to help me, because you're not helping me.

the two words rang in havenpaw's ears, bouncing against his skull as his brain shot out more and more words to add to them.

thank starclan i can be alone.

thank starclan for taking this inconvenience away from me.

thank starclan that havenpaw's finally stopped trying to help me. he just

makes

everything

worse!

a strangled gasp escaped havenpaw's mouth as he cringed in his nest. now i'm overthinking things, he chided himself. martenpaw didn't actually say any of that.

but they said "thank starclan." that's what he said, their exact words, "you didn't say anything; thank starclan." maybe i should have just... left them alone... but no! havenpaw choked as his mind screamed. i could never abandon my friend like that... but...

would they really be better off without me? what would i do if they are? what would i do if all those times martenpaw got mad at me for talking to them, they actually meant it?

am i just hurting them when i try to help?