❦ story ❦

it wasn't as if havenpaw had merely given up after that day either, but his efforts were useless: saying different things- asking if martenpaw wanted his help, for example, or asking what they wanted to talk about in an effort to distract them- only elicited varying levels of temper.

after trying and failing one too many times, havenpaw kept his distance whenever martenpaw slipped into their headspace.

not because he no longer cared, but because he was simply unwanted.

havenpaw wanted to pretend that martenpaw's words hadn't impacted him that night, hadn't been remembered at all.

but in his heart, unspoken of and ignored, they festered.

and sometimes, when he tried to sleep, the ice came back, numbing his senses to all but those haunting words...

thank starclan. thank starclan? did you want me to keep that distance that badly...? why not thank me instead, if that's truly what you wanted? am i just an inconvenience, a liability?

thank starclan? thank starclan i wanted you to come out of your dark stupor? but what about the days when you give me and my sister fake smiles? can't you see you're not okay? was i doing the wrong thing all this time?

did i say all the wrong things, those times when i tried to speak to you? i should never have told you to breathe or told you you can talk to me or said it'll all end soon because clearly it keeps coming back and if you just wanted silence then it's all my fault isn't it i should've known that you didn't want me around

but i didn't

want

to lose

you!

was i being selfish?

you! what about you? do you even know how i feel about you saying that to me? what would you say to me if you knew? fussing over me would make you a hypocrite and ignoring me would send me into a downward spiral is this what you felt when i tried to talk to you?

i'm so sorry...

i should never have cared so much if you wanted me not to.

***

havenpaw's mind was frayed.

because she couldn't seem to find anything that countered her suspicions.

because martenpaw seemed to think that pretending to be okay would make them okay.

because whenever martenpaw was suffering in silence- which was more times than havenpaw would admit she saw through martenpaw's despicable acting- she felt the thoughts returning against her will, keeping her a silent observer.

because... she had to force herself not to care in order to make both of them happy.

but it didn't work.

and every single time, if martenpaw caught havenpaw looking at them, they would mutter "i'm fine." and try to compose themselves a little. havenpaw didn't take kindly to being lied to, and yet, for the sake of the two cats' friendship, she held her tongue time and time again.

even at their warrior ceremony, and during the night vigil, martencry had had a faraway look in their eyes, longing for kingfisherpaw to return, for their turbulent grief to disappear.

but it wouldn't disappear, so either martencry had to speak back to their friend outside of snarls and spits, or learn to deal with it themselves. and clearly, the latter was not working out.

anguish turned to frustration.

frustration turned to bitterness.

bitterness... turned into hatred. hatred at martencry's stubbornness. hatred at everyone else for not having the power to notice. hatred at himself for not being allowed to do anything lest martencry hate him just that little bit more.

and still, she tried not to show it. for martencry's sake. tried to suppress her dark feelings that she knew she shouldn't feel.

until one day it finally all ended.

***

a cold leaf-bare's day. the sky was frosted over with hail-coloured clouds. frost sheeted every leaf exposed to the elements, the miniscule pearlescent crystals clinging to the cold-dulled verdure.

the ticked cream cat was sitting in a small, dusty clearing; the ground was still littered with holey yellow and orange leaves from last leaf-fall, but there were no stones or sharp pebbles to be found. wearing a soft smile, the warrior watched as a tiny, lithe young she-cat bundled up her haunches and launched herself, forepaws landing neatly onto a leaf.

"did I do well?" the she-cat's blue eyes gleamed with pride.

"excellently. you'll make a great warrior when you're older." the cream ticked tabby couldn't help but purr as the apprentice's cocoa-and-sable fur fluffed up with happiness whilst she bounced about the floor.

a loud meow alerted the two cats, and the cream cat turned to see who had made the sound. there, walking towards the pair, were two newcomers: one was white and pointed with blooming, flowing morning sun, the other blanketed with striped brindles of sepia and sunset. the cat recognized them as pebblepaw and martencry respectively.

martencry, huh?

the ginger colorpoint cat let out a squeal of excitement as they caught sight of their sister, and soon the two siblings were tussling together on the ground.

martencry took a few short strides to meet the other warrior. "he-day or she-day?" the words were spoken in a murmur. it was the same greeting as it had been for moons, as it had been every day when they woke together as apprentices.

"she-day," the cream ticked tabby mumbled back, after a moment's hesitation. "what are you doing here?"

"hornetstar sent me to join you and witherpaw to let the apprentices train together." martencry looked at the two young cats, laughing and playing without a care in the world, a little wistfulness in their eyes. "we're supposed to watch how they fight and how they stalk land prey. the river may be a bit cold for pebblepaw, but witherpaw's got thick fur, so she'll be alright; we can see how she fishes as well."

"what about-" before she could ask about her sister and her own apprentice, martencry cut her off. "they're off on border patrol. it's just them-" martencry nodded at the apprentices, "-and us."

"them and us..."

martencry snorted. "come on, havenecho. there's nothing special about accessing your own apprentice."

on instinct, havenecho scanned martencry's face, half-expecting- dreading- the trace of sorrow that would betray their mask of confidence... but for once, there was nothing to be found. nothing! seemed too good to be true, but havenecho gave martencry a sincere smile anyway. a hopeful smile.

all this time, havenecho had been cursed with memories and anxieties, whispers that told her how much martencry didn't want her around. but now, martencry seemed... content. was it possible... that havenecho was wanted after all?

but martencry was studying havenecho's face now. havenecho's smile faltered; had she done something wrong again? a frown flickered across martencry's face. "you shouldn't be so suspicious of me."

"suspicious..." havenecho repeated the word, tasting it on her tongue. it took a few heartbeats for its meaning to sink in. "suspicious? me, suspicious?"

"yes, suspicious. i saw you look at me, same way you always do, looking for signs of grief in me." martencry thrust their muzzle into havenecho's face, making the latter step back. "every single time we interact, you do it! making sure that i'm not lying to the world!"

"lying is never a good thing," havenecho breathed, "and please lower your voice. you're going to alert the apprentices."

the brown and ginger cat glanced at the two younger cats, who were now staring martencry. the tortoiseshell shook their fur out and turned back to havenecho, but now a faintly abashed expression painted their face.

"martencry, please listen." havenecho's low, flowing voice was barely more than a whisper. "you shouldn't play pretend with the world, especially when you're at stake. why do it? it doesn't help anyone."

"because if i don't," martencry hissed, "you'll get all over me again."

havenecho flinched, stung, but didn't back down. "oh, so i'm the problem now?" the ticked cream cat's fur began to bristle, and her whisper trembled with both hurt and anger, each emotion just as intense as the other. "i'm just a distraction to you, am i? i should just shut up and let you suffer, is that what you want?" havenecho's muzzle scrunched up in a frustrated snarl. "i don't need you to tell me all that! every time i want to comfort you, whenever i can see you struggling in silence, poison chokes me until it feels like i must stand down or die! it's torture!"

"havenecho, you know that's not what i want." martencry's meow caught. "i... it's just that, sometimes, it's so much better if you just sit and do nothing, wait until you feel better. don't you understand?"

havenecho's copper gaze glistened as she looked her old friend in the eyes. she did understand. she knew how it felt to curl up and want to die from the pain inside. she remembered full well how intensely she wanted to be left alone. she knew, because when martencry was rejected her for the first time, she was furious at everything for letting her efforts come to nothing; ashamed at herself for feeling this way; despair biting at her heart as rejection after rejection wormed their way into her soul and so desperate for other cats to not ask if she was okay because clearly she wasn't.

and she hated it. she hated herself for that feeling. she hated it, the cowardice and the weakness and the way she knew. knew that doing nothing... would achieve just that. nothing.

havenecho knew her feelings were strong. all she needed was martencry, and her own worries would disappear. but she knew that martencry's stormlike emotions were much harder to tame than her own. how can they not be? their sister died, for starclan's sake!

havenecho had fought harder for her friend then she ever had for herself in the future. she didn't have the courage to face her own demons alone, and she knew martencry didn't either. she doubted anyone could survive grief and rejection and agony all by themselves. but now, looking back on it all, self-hatred sank into her like claws as she realized how she hadn't been good enough.

good enough.
good enough.
good enough.

the cream cat forced her meow not to shake as she pressed her whirling thoughts into a few words.

"neither of us can afford to run away from ourselves anymore."

and that was all.

"run away, huh?" martencry let loose a bitter laugh. "do you even know how much it hurts? to think of kingfisherpaw all the time and know that i could never have saved her?"

havenecho just stared, not saying anything for a while. when she finally spoke, however, it was not to answer martencry's question. "you looked so much happier with my sister. without me."

"she asked no questions and told no lies." martencry looked away, and havenecho could see their pelt prickling with discomfort.

"lies? do you think i was deceiving you with white lies?" havenecho stepped towards her old friend, who wouldn't meet her gaze. "i wanted you to move on... i thought dulling the pain would do you good, that's all." havenecho's voice could barely be heard now. "i thought that, if i did nothing, than nothing would be achieved. no one would benefit."

"i don't need you constantly reminding you of my pain!" the words were spat out, to what havenecho could tell, resentfully.

"well, i don't want you to have to bear it anymore! you don't, either, do you?" havenecho retorted with strong-sounding words, but she could feel martencry's poison slowly winding its way into her.

"you weren't helping!" martencry sank to the floor, ears flattened and eyes squeezed shut.

"wasn't my company enough for you?" havenecho's meow rose to a screech. "i really thought that you would care about my efforts. i think you even did, at first..." havenecho trailed off. but maybe that was wishful thinking, she finished in her head. "i cared so much for you that i stuck around, time and time again, through every trial and tribulation, even after you- or your anger, i thought then- seemed to want me gone!" the screech fell apart as havenecho's whole body shook violently in a sob, and her voice cracked. "i didn't even know that you didn't want me around anymore. i didn't even know!"

"i-" martencry was quiet as they opened their eyes to gaze at their oldest, and once, their only friend. "havenecho, you... you must know that- that it isn't true!"

"isn't it?" havenecho looked down at martencry, a bleak look in her eyes. "ever since kingfisherpaw died... everything i did to try to pull you out..." havenecho faltered. "you hated all of it. i was to- to pretend-" havenecho gagged on the word, "-that everything was okay, right along with you. isn't that what you wanted." it wasn't a question, but a statement.

"and that time i didn't do anything for you, you were grateful, of all things, grateful. not even to me, to starclan, as if i were a mere inconvenience in your way. i couldn't just act like nothing had changed."

"and now..." havenecho swallowed. "you seem so much better off without me. so much better off without me pestering you." the cream ticked tabby's own words left a bitter taste in her mouth, but she pushed on. "but you're still not any better, and i felt worse than ever."

a shadow crossed martencry's face as they leered at havenecho. "i think you're reading into what i said far too much." martencry shook their head slowly. "you should know better than to believe anything you just said."

"and yet you do nothing real to deny it. empty words and no action," havenecho countered flatly. "you say i should know better, but your actions prove otherwise. i don't think that snapping at me every time you're grieving constitutes friendship. i don't think that you being happiest when i'm not around means that i should spend time with you more."

"i'm not!" martencry looked horrified. "havenecho... i do miss the old days. i miss us. why can't we have that back?"

"but both of us have changed so much." havenecho was trying not to break down into a sob now, but she could hear her own meow quaver. "you loved me before, but now, i'm just unneeded. just look at us!" havenecho raised her chin, challenging martencry. "how many times have we argued like this? how many more times do we have to do it before-"

"look, it's not even my fault!" martencry shot to their feet, outraged. "you're just... oversensitive, alright? and you still can't see that the best thing you can do for me is leave me alone!"

"you're a smart cat, martencry; you know what you said," havenecho mewed quietly. "and you can't decide how your words affect me." havenecho paused. "even now, you don't intend to take back what you implied to me: that you would rather i be silent and let you deal with your grief, then force you to face your sorrow down."

martencry's lips curled into the beginnings of a snarl.

"you. don't. understand." every word dropped like a stone. "you never did. your sister knows better than you."

"i haven't consoled you properly in moons," havenecho pointed out, "and yet you still hold it against me."

"and you never forgot the 'thank starclan!' from so long ago!"

"would you take it back?" havenecho asked simply.

martencry said nothing. but their silence spoke volumes to havenecho.

"this is all your fault, havenecho," martencry growled. "if only you cared about what i actually wanted instead of trying to play the hero."

what you need most is what you want least. that was what havenecho intended to say, but the words in havenecho's head never left her throat.

all my fault?

once upon a time, havenecho would have been hurt- no, broken- by the statement, especially from martencry, of all cats. now, all she felt was anger.

"you can't put every single piece of the blame on me, and you know it! did you expect me to comform myself to your ideals?" havenecho's cry made martencry blanch away. "i'm not a tool for you to use!"

"you know what i want-"

"and you know i can't give it to you!" havenecho interrupted martencry with a yowl. "you can't expect me to hold that kind of knowledge and not act on it. i never even told anyone else, not even my own sister; you can't expect more than that." havenecho took a deep breath. "you know what i think? i think that you're scared. you expect me not to do anything to help you, and you very clearly don't want any help, either. not from me, or my sister, or anyone. i think that you want us all to leave you and your thoughts alone, because you don't have the courage to face your problems, even if i'm by your side the whole time."

for a long, unbearably drawn-out moment, the two warriors stared at each other in silence. anticipation for how martencry would respond clawed at havenecho, until, after what could've been hours or days or moons, they finally did.

"that's what you think, isn't it?"

havenecho nodded.

a slight hesitation. "you think you know me?"

havenecho considered the question. did she know martencry as they were now? did she know how they had changed since kingfisherpaw had died? could she do what was best for them, the new martencry?

obviously not. otherwise, all this turmoil would never have happened, would it?

"no," havenecho finally replied. "but i wish i did." before she could lose her nerve, the ticked cream cat swung around, trying not to look at the cat who had once been her best friend. "goodbye, martencry. we're not good for each other anymore, and you know it. maybe we are better off without each other."

doubt. havenecho was instilled with doubt the moment she spoke the words aloud. but didn't she already know they were true? havenecho would never be able to bear seeing martencry in pain, never be able to stop watching them, trying to protect, trying to help, and failing miserably. and martencry would never stop resisting, growing more and more irritated with every unwanted attempt. how much more pain would the two need to inflict on each other if they stayed together?

... but all that truth didn't stop her from longing for their old life back.

havenecho had time to take one shuddering breath. she glanced aside. pebblepaw and witherpaw were right there, witherpaw standing over a lying-down pebblepaw with one paw raised, their play-fight long forgotten. how long had they been here for? havenecho couldn't remember.

and then a few things happened at once.

pebblepaw let out a wordless cry of alarm, and in the same moment, havenecho felt something knock her hind legs out from beneath her. suddenly, she was on the ground, highly alert, but very confused as to why.

"you don't even care about me anymore!" martencry wailed. "you're leaving me?"

"would you rather i keep on annoying you?" havenecho asked. her meow trembled. "it's either going to be torture for you, or for me, or both. nothing stands to gain from our relationship. just look at us!" havenecho repeated. she stood up and turned, now nose to nose with martencry. "nearly every time we speak to each other, we get at each other's throats for the same reason. i'm doing this because i knew you would never be able to bring yourself to do it. we're better off without each other!"

"and what about our past? do you wish to pretend that we have nothing?" martencry stared at havenecho with their wide, tawny brown eyes.

"... do you have another solution?" havenecho's voice was empty as she was reminded of how much she hated to pretend, to act out a lie. but she also didn't want martencry or herself to suffer in vain anymore.

"just- i don't know, why don't you actually learn to accept that the best thing you can do for me is not to say anything?" martencry's reply was practically steeped in sarcasm.

"because, for the last time, it won't change a thing. just because i care about you doesn't mean i should listen to your every order." havenecho raised her head. "your view of yourself is biased. anyone would be. only an outsider like me can tell you what will actually help-"

"there you go again. always suggesting that i need help!" martencry shot out their right forepaw, hooking it behind havenecho's left foreleg and yanking hard. suddenly, havenecho fell onto the ground. her leg... had collapsed? she couldn't feel it anymore...

"you'll never change, will you, havenecho?" martencry snarled. "then have fun living the rest of your life, knowing that you understood too late."

before havenecho could ask what they had meant, the brown and ginger tortoiseshell raced into the woods. a loud gasp and a yowl of shock, and a heartbeat later, pebblepaw streaked after their mentor.

havenecho's leg was still numb. she tried to stand up, but imbalanced, she fell. havenecho didn't know if martencry had intended this to happen or not, but... havenecho was almost certain that pebblepaw wouldn't be able to catch up to their mentor with his short legs, let alone coax them back. as for havenecho, she had always been the faster runner of the two, but couldn't even get up with her useless left foreleg.

seemed all she could do was hope for martencry to return soon.

sudden regret crashed over havenecho, followed by a burst of defiance... but it quickly fizzed out. no, she was sure she hadn't done the wrong thing this time, wasn't she? she'd said exactly what she thought, no lies or deception. martencry's reaction was completely their own.

so why did she feel so terrible?

❦ winners ❦

first place: alumort with havenecho

second place: Varulven15 with havenblaze

third place: ashfeather- with havenwhisper