C H A P T E R   1 2

❛ things we lost ❜

QUINN

     THE SUN WAS MERCILESS, THE HEAT ALMOST UNBEARABLE. Quinn was seated on a wooden bench beneath a tree, sitting quietly in the shadow of the low hanging branches, hoping to catch what little summer breeze was blowing by. The others had left a few hours ago and Daryl had been inside their room ever since, probably sulking. She hadn't been able to stand the warmth inside the building and searched for a place outside instead.

But if she was being honest with herself, that wasn't the only reason she wasn't with Daryl right now, if it was even a reason at all.

She could barely look at him without feeling a heavy weight of guilt press down on her heart. It was because of her that he'd suffered Negan's punishment, even worse than what had been done to him before she'd escaped. She could see it in the bruises on his face and the way he couldn't walk without limping slightly. He was a ghost of who he used to be, haunted by the guilt of Glenn's death and the horrors of that dark cell. And she couldn't bear to face the wreckage of the man she'd left behind.

It was cowardly, she knew that. But the ache in her own heart was too fresh to handle his as well.

Her fingers played with the pendant of her necklace as her eyes stared at...nothing really. The only image in her mind was Daryl and the question overriding all other thoughts was, how in the hell was she going to talk to him about what happened?

It was a fact they had to talk about it, but how could she ever even begin to ask him to talk to her. Even Milo's comforting words of the night before hadn't been enough to ease her mind.

Maybe she'd put her own pain so far away over the last few days that she no longer knew how to reach it. Maybe she was simply too scared of facing what happened inside that cursed sanctuary. Even thinking about it had her on the verge of tears. She feared she'd break into a million pieces if she were to open that wound. Especially if she was doing it with him.

She took a shaky breath and because she feared she might break down right then and there if she kept thinking about it any longer, she once again pushed those memories down. Put them away in a dark corner of her soul and threw away the imaginary key. And it was a good thing she did because she noticed then the familiar figure of the King himself making his way over to her. She wondered if he walked in his costume all year round, because she couldn't imagine a coat with fur being comfortable in this heat.

He reached her, wearing a warm smile on his features. He pointed at the empty spot beside her on the bench. "May I?"

She nodded. "Sure." She watched as he took a seat, wondering what he wanted from her. It wasn't like she looked like a good-conversationalist seated there with a frown on her face. Milo used to tell her she looked like a grumpy dog when she was lost in thought. She had no idea what he meant by that exactly but she knew it probably wasn't pretty to look at.

"I hope your stay here has been comfortable so far," Ezekiel spoke.

"It is," she said, not really knowing what else to say to him with his pretentious King act.

He looked at her as if he knew exactly what she'd been thinking. "You think me strange?"

She crossed her arms, searching for the right words so as to not offend her host. "Not necessarily. I was just thinking how tiring it must be to keep the act up all day."

A laugh fell from his lips. Warm and genuine, making it hard not to laugh along with him. "You would not be the first to think so," he finally managed to say.

A small smile tugged at the corner of her lips. "I guess you have a good reason for all..." She looked him up and down. "This."

He smiled at her and then gestured at the people walking around the courtyard. "When we first built this community I realised the people needed something to hold on to, some spark of hope in this dark world. They looked to me to guide them, so I guided them. With as much hope as I could."

"Yet you refused to give us hope." The words were out of her mouth before she could stop herself. Apparently she was more bitter about his refusal to help them than she first thought.

His eyes darkened. "I truly am sorry I could not provide your people with what you needed."

She knew he was genuine and yet she couldn't drop it. Winning this war, defeating the Saviors was too important for her to give up like this. She'd gotten one community to fight with them, why not try to get another aboard as well. It was just like recruiting people for Alexandria like she'd done with Aaron and Daryl before. Only this time she was recruiting soldiers...

"You're afraid to lose people," she said, sharing her observation about the reason he'd said no.

"And you are not?" He asked in return.

Quinn took a shaky breath, her gaze drifting over the peaceful courtyard of the community surrounding them. "Before the world turned to shit I didn't have any people to lose, except my brother but he knew how to take care of himself. So I never worried." Finally she managed to turn her gaze at Ezekiel, who was watching her with a curious frown.

"The fear of losing people was pretty new to me when we arrived in Alexandria," she admitted, knowing by now honesty was the best way to get people to genuinely listen to what she had to say. "Now I'm constantly terrified of losing my family." Her fingers reached for the swan pendant around her neck and she clenched her fist around it. "But that's never been a reason not to fight. If anything, that's the reason to fight. To make sure we're making the world a safer place for the people that are left."

"Maybe," Ezekiel said softly. "Or maybe to protect those who are left we need to lay down our arms." The King carried the weight of a thousand souls on his shoulders and he could not bear the burden of putting them in harm's way. He'd said as much to them this morning but to hear him say it again made her frustration flare up, bright and hot.

"You've been talking to Morgan," she said, not even bothering to phrase it as a question.

He nodded. "I have and you would do well to listen to him too."

She tried her hardest to hide her frustration but knew it was audible in her voice anyway. "I've seen bad people being offered a peaceful solution before and turning it down in favor of killing those who least deserve it. I will not stand by and watch it happen again." She got to her feet and made a mocking bow. "Have a nice day, your majesty."

Then she turned on her heels and marched down the street, leaving the King seated beneath the tree. Her throat was burning from just talking about the day the Governor came rolling back up to the gates of the prison. The glitter of Michonne's katana beneath the sun before cutting through Hershel's throat blinded her memories for a moment. She clenched her fists, crushing the weight of the memory between her fingers.

She didn't believe in peaceful solutions, not with people like this. She'd seen Negan's "mercy" inside and out and wouldn't wish that upon anyone. There was no bargaining with people like this and she refused to be told otherwise.

She came to a sudden halt, a thought striking her so suddenly she might as well have been struck by lightning. By refusing to face what Negan had done to her and Daryl, she had already lost the fight. By ignoring what had been done to them she was only giving him even more power over them. She was letting his torture drive them apart, which had been exactly his goal. If she kept this up she might as well have accepted his offer in that dark hallway. She had to talk about what happened to them, or else, no matter how hard they'd fight, Negan would still win. Because he would have broken her and Daryl apart.

Slowly she unclenched her fists and with a sudden determination she made her way towards the dormitories. She had no idea if Daryl was still sulking in their room but it was where she'd seen him last.

Before she'd reached the door however, a familiar voice called out her name. With a little bit of reluctance she came to a halt. She turned around and watched as Morgan made his way over to her. When he reached her she realized there was a bandage on his ear. He didn't have it that morning...

"What happened?" Quinn asked, gesturing to his wounded ear.

He frowned, as if having forgotten it was even there. "There was an accident," he answered vaguely.

She wasn't about to let him get away that easily. "What kind of accident?"

He sighed, as if there were a thousand things he'd rather be talking about. "We were out this afternoon, meeting with the Saviors. It didn't go as planned."

"They did this to you?" She asked, raising her eyebrows.

"It was a misunderstanding, it'll be fixed before we see them again."

She scoffed and turned around, about to head inside but he placed a hand on her shoulder, stopping her. "What?" She asked sharply as she turned back to face him.

"I-I wanted to ask," he took a deep breath, "do you believe all the Saviors are beyond saving?"

Quinn frowned. "What the hell are you talking about?"

His voice grew in strength, as he grew more frustrated as well. "You told me once that we save the people that are worth saving. So I'm asking you, do you believe there are some of the Saviors worth saving?"

The question threw her off guard, more than she liked to admit. She remembered what he was talking about now. Their conversation one morning when he'd just arrived in Alexandria. He'd asked her to save the life of anyone she would manage to find out there with Aaron and Daryl. She'd told him she would only save the ones worth saving...Never did she imagine that answer would come back to bite her later.

"I don't know, Morgan, I didn't have the pleasure of meeting them all personally," she sighed.

But his words had reminded her of a plan she'd thought of earlier, to sneak inside the Sanctuary with a few people, use her father's knowledge of the building and the change of the guard and kill Negan herself, silent and quick. She knew there were innocent people inside the Sanctuary, people who were forced to work for Negan just as much as they were. She thought of his wives, all forced into a situation where marrying him was the only way to save either themselves or their loved ones. It was annoying, but Morgan had somewhat of a point.

Her answer hadn't thrown him off in the slightest. "Think about it before you start something you can't come back from." With one last pointed look, Morgan turned around and left her standing there with all her confusion and frustration.

For a moment she simply stood there, needing a second to organise her thoughts. Talking to Daryl was the most important thing now, she could worry about the fight with the Saviors later. Because no matter what Ezekiel and Morgan told her, a fight was going to happen and she wasn't planning on stopping it.

She continued her way inside the dormitories, entering the room Ezekiel had given her and Daryl after the group left. Apparently he figured out they were together by just one look at them. She had no idea since when she was so easy to read but where Daryl was concerned, she hardly cared if the whole world knew about her feelings for him. It was actually quite useful, her mere eyes were a warning sign to anyone who even thought about taking him away from her.

When she opened the door however, she found it was empty. She frowned and went to check the bathroom but that too was empty. With a sigh she left the room again, heading out into the community in search of him.

Soon she had the feeling she'd crossed the courtyard at least five times but there wasn't a single sign of him anywhere. The only thing she could think of was that he went outside the walls. Though she couldn't think of a reason why the hell he would do so. Maybe he simply needed some space to breathe, to remind himself he wasn't a captive anymore and was free to go wherever he wanted. Which meant there wasn't anything else she could do but wait.

She spent the rest of the day waiting for him. When it was time for dinner he still hadn't shown up and so, with great reluctance, she dragged herself to the dining hall. She wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone but apparently Ezekiel had other ideas. As soon as she'd filled her plate and chosen a seat, he joined her at the table.

He smiled at her as if she hadn't mocked and basically told him to fuck off earlier.

She opened her mouth, though she wasn't sure whether she was going to apologise or tell him to fuck off once again. But she was spared having to make a choice when Ezekiel spoke first.

"Let us not talk about war and the end of times during our meal," he said with that warm smile of his. "There must be a more pleasant topic to discuss."

Quinn narrowed her eyes at him. The last thing she felt like doing right now was to chit-chat with the King but he wasn't giving her much of a choice. So she figured she might as well use this opportunity to her advantage and try to break through his facade. She was becoming more and more curious to the man beneath the mask. And if there was one thing she was good at, it was reading people. After all, she didn't often put her trust in the wrong person.

"Alright," she relented. "Tell me, your majesty, what did you do before all of this?" She couldn't help but mock his title but at least her tone was a lot friendlier than it had been last time they spoke.

His smile turned a little mischievous and he leaned closer, pretending like they were being spied on and he had something to say meant only for her ears. "I used to be a Zoo Keeper."

Before she knew what was happening she was laughing, though she managed to turn it into a cough at the very last second. Actually it wasn't all that strange, now that she thought about it, she could picture him perfectly as he walked around taking care of animals.

"Is that why you have a tiger?" She asked.

He leaned back in his chair, smiling as if he was remembering a warm memory. "Her name is Shiva. I rescued her when things turned south."

"It's pretty cool, having a pet tiger," Quinn said, recalling how she'd been seated beside the cage most of the night. And how the animal, Shiva, had almost seemed to realise she'd given Quinn comfort.

"Your turn," Ezekiel said, pulling her from her thoughts. "What did you do before?"

She took a deep breath and decided it couldn't do any harm to tell him. "I used to be a ballet dancer."

His eyes went wide. "Are you messing with me? I feel like you're messing with me."

Quinn shook her head, a small smile playing on her lips. "I swear I'm not messing with you."

"We have a dance class for young kids. I know they would love to have a professional dancer teach them some skills. What do you say?"

The answer lay ready on her lips, they were about to fight a war, she didn't have time for such nonsense...But right when she was about to say so, two little girls ran past their tables, one with hair so blond and eyes so blue it hurt her heart. Her hand went to her necklace again, holding it tightly as she was reminded of the beautiful ballet shoes Beth had gifted her. They were back in Alexandria, gathering dust once again...

Finally she turned her gaze back to Ezekiel, thankful that he'd waited patiently for her to gather her thoughts. She couldn't help but notice how his eyes flickered to her necklace. Her habit of holding it hadn't gone unnoticed by him. She dropped her hands and inhaled sharply. "I would love to, when things get better."

He smiled sadly. "Can we truly afford to wait for better times in this new world?"

She frowned at him, realising the roles were now reversed. He was trying to convince her of his cause, just like she'd tried to do to him earlier that day. Shaking her head she got to her feet. "My mind is made up, just like yours. Thanks for the company."

Leaving the dining hall behind, she made her way back to her room. With the sun now gone, the heat was finally decreasing. It would still be warm tonight, but not unbearable anymore. Quinn could exhaustion pulling at her body. She was, after all, still healing from a bullet wound. At the end of the day her body felt stiff and ached as she moved. Which was why she was very glad to have reached her bedroom. When she opened the door however, she stopped in her tracks.

Daryl was seated on the bed, looking just as exhausted as she felt.

"Hey," she said softly as she closed the door behind her. "Where have you been all day?"

She walked over to the bed and he pulled his leg away to make room for her. "I found Carol," he said, though he didn't sound particularly happy about it.

Quinn frowned. "I thought Morgan said she left?"

"She's living in some cabin now, said she couldn't take it anymore. Killing people."

And suddenly his lack of happiness made sense. "You didn't tell her about everything that's going on, did you?" It wasn't really a question. She knew Carol would be here if Daryl had told her everything that happened since she left.

He shook his head, eyes casted to his fingers as he picked at his thumb.

She reached out and took his hand in hers, stopping his nervous habit. "I'm sorry," she muttered. She couldn't imagine how she'd feel if Michonne decided to leave. Living in this world without a best friend was even lonelier than it'd been before.

"S'okay," Daryl answered but it wasn't and they both knew it. But she also knew discussing it would hurt too much and he might start to doubt his decision about not telling Carol the truth. So perhaps it was best to talk about something else, though she was pretty sure he wouldn't like discussing that either...

She inhaled deeply, her grip on his hand tightening as she prepared to get the words that'd been weighing her down all day, off her chest. "I'm also sorry I didn't get you outta there." She hated the way she could barely get the words out with her throat thickening. "I'm sorry I left you there. I'm sorry-"

"Hey, hey," he interrupted her, shifting so he could pull her closer, fingers beneath her chin so he could look into her eyes. "It ain't your fault. None of that was yer fault."

A tear rolled down her cheek despite her efforts to keep them at bay. "Then why does it feel like it is? I trusted my father to get us outta there." She hated the way she sounded so pathetic and broken. But beneath all the fear and pain of the last few days it was impossible to stay strong.

"Ain't no way you could've known," he said softly, his thumb wiping her tears away. "You were safe. That's all that mattered."

She lifted her glossy eyes to look at him and lifted her hand, fingers carefully touching the bruises on his face. "But you weren't safe," she whispered, flashes of his broken body passing through her mind once again. "I couldn't handle the not knowing, the the-" she shook her head, then added with a voice barely audible: "I don't know what I would do if he'd killed you."

His blue eyes pierced into hers and she could see the fear that lingered there, the very same fear for her life. After all, he hadn't known if she was dead or alive either. And suddenly she hated herself for not even considering how fucking worried he must've been.

"He didn't," he said then, trying to keep his voice from shivering. "I'm here." He leaned his forehead against hers as she clung to his shirt. "I'm yours and you're mine. Like ya said."

She smiled through her tears, feeling more at peace than she had in a long time. In this space right here, they could've told each other the worst thing they ever did and still they would not abandon each other. They would always heal, together.

Yet she feared there was something left unspoken, the very thing she could see haunted him still, even though he refused to speak it out loud.

"You know you got nothing to be sorry for either, right?" She muttered, leaning away so she could look into his eyes again. "It wasn't your fault."

But he refused to look up at her, realising immediately what she was talking about. He carried that weight so clearly that he couldn't even begin to hide it, no matter how hard he would like to try.

"Yeah it was."

The memory flashed before her eyes; his body wound as tight as a bowstring beside her, the way she'd moved after him was more like a reflex than a well-thought out plan, his fist landing on Negan's face and the price of that decision...

"You did not kill Glenn. Negan did." Her voice was stern, she needed him to believe it. Because she knew that as long as he didn't, he would never truly leave that cell. Some part of him would always find his way back there, because he felt like he deserved it. And she refused to let him torture himself like that. She would never stop fighting those demons for him, no matter how wounded she could wound up getting. Because she meant those words, she was his and he was hers.

Daryl shook his head, lip quivering as tears streamed down his face. Quinn didn't hesitate and pulled him closer, wrapping her arms around him as if that would protect him from any harm. He leaned his head on her shoulder, sobbing quietly. The sound broke her heart and brought tears to her own eyes and she held onto him even tighter, giving him a lifeline to hold on to through the storm of emotions threatening to overwhelm him.

"We're gonna be okay," she promised with a whisper.

And as they sat there, holding each other, she truly believed it. No matter what was to happen next, no matter who was left standing when the fighting was done, she truly believed they would be alright. And suddenly her path was more clear than ever. She was going to make sure they were both alright, no matter the price she had to pay...

"I promise."

A U T H O R 'S  N O T E

First update of 2022! I'm planning to write a lot for this fic in the new year. I'm very excited for all the stuff that's coming, so hopefully I'll manage to stick to my unofficial scedule, which is an update once every two weeks!

I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. I know it was mostly lots of talking but it was important for Quinn's character development for these conversations to happen. I think the conversation between Daryl and Quinn is one of the hardest things I've ever had to write. Sometimes I think I finally understand how to write Daryl and then I have to write a conversation like this and I feel completely incapable. So please let me know if he still felt like Daryl to you!

Thank you all so much for your endless support on this story!

xx Nelly