erm, hi

•••••

It's been a while.

You could say I'm stressed and sad.

Final year of sixth form isn't fun. I'm planning on going to uni and in the months from July to September I had to decide what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. I've finally decided I want to go to Leeds Uni and do biomedical science. I need AAA.

I also got C's in all my mocks which.... is pushing it. We did resits in September and they went s o badly my chemistry teacher decided not to tell the class what we got because nobody improved and the results were shocking.

Yeah my first day of year 13 was the worst. We walk into our first biology lesson of the year to find papers spread out on the desks - surprise! Your biology resit is today! everybody in the class broke down. The test was 1h 30min but we only had 1hour of lesson, so it ran into lunchtime. I had to leave the exam early to go straight to my chemistry exam. Which ran into the other half of my lunch and the next hour of lessons. I broke down again. :,)

I had a new seating plan in maths, where I didn't sit near Q. At the time I was sad, but not so much anymore - I'll get to the tea in a bit.

My timetable is shit. I have hardly any free periods anymore because the teachers don't think I'm working hard enough (which is probably true) and all my days are exactly the same... so there's no variation in my week. Wow first world problems 😑

I don't think I've spoken about my driving in a long time. I practiced and got over my fear. Then around April-May my school decided to bring the police in to tell us about dangerous driving and show us clips of various different ways driving can go wrong and... yeah crying in an assembly isn't fun.

I booked my theory test in June, got there after school on the day and.. lost my provisional license in McDonald's so I couldn't take the test. I had to rebook it for July which I actually got to and passed lol.

I booked my first practical test for August 7th because I really wanted to pass during the summer. I failed. I booked my second one for October 2nd. I failed again. My third is on Tuesday (22nd) and I'm shitting myself. If I fail again I might just off myself yano?

I had to book work experience for myself to make my personal statement look good, which was very stressful. I've never been so stressed over anything before this? I had this overwhelming fear of checking my emails??? I got so stressed it made my period 5 days late for the first time in my life.

Anyway my first lot of work experience was amazing; I went in a lab for a whole week and we got to look at blood cells and test our own DNA to see how well we can taste bitterness - turns out I'm a "homozygous TT taster" which means I can taste bitterness really well - explaining why I don't like bitter things like coffee.

My second lot of work experience? Eh. I was supposed to go to the hospital for a week and sit in on people's appointments with an endocrine doctor (basically about hormones in the body) but I rocked up Monday morning and they were like "lol you're only supposed to be here Tuesday and Thursday" so I got a whole week off school to do 2 days of work experience. Not too bad. Except it was veryyyy boring.

But yeah then I did mocks and the whole shabang then I had summer which was SO GOOD. Obviously I was set lots of homework and lots of revision which I did none of. Instead I went to a Stray Kids concert in London and went on a cruise with my best mates and we went to the beach and went to parties and meals out and festivals and went shopping and I had so much fun neglecting responsibilities for 6 weeks.

Then school comes back around and responsibility slaps me in the face - I've missed the majority of university open days, and I need to start writing a personal statement and fill in my UCAS form to send off to universities and get high enough predicted grades off my teachers to be able to go to the uni I want to go to.

Luckily enough even though I got C's in my mocks all my teachers predicted me an A - which is what I needed!!

Now I just need to work REALLY HARD. A levels are so difficult and it's only just hit me.

Now onto my friends:

My group of friends is ~pretty big~ /flex/ but it's split into 2 main groups. In the one I'm in there's 15 of us (including myself - 14 girls and 1 (gay) guy) and in the other group there's 11 of them (5 girls and 6 boys)

Ps- there's gonna be a lot of letters for names in this story because there's a lot of people that I'm not gonna expose but if anyone I know ever finds this I'm basically fucked. 🤩

Anyway - at the back end of year 12 four of the five girls from the other group (who we'll call LW, SC, CH and LK,) decided that they want some time away from the rest of the group, so the girls ignored them all through summer and when they came back to school they didn't hang out with them anymore. (Actually LK didn't really ignore them she's really nice and likes to flow between the now split group, and CH is going out with a guy from their group (AC) so she mixes with them too)

The boys (and the other girl) from that group were a bit confused as to why they decided to just ghost them, and the boys thought it'd be a good idea to take the piss and stir shit because it's funny. Obviously, the girls didn't take nicely to this, and they got more pissed off. Things escalated, and LW, SC and CH got very pissed off with one of the guys - JG - and the group has officially split and they hate each other.

Sorry to drag myself into it all but I'm friends with people on both sides, (basically most of the guys, and then I'm close with CH and I occasionally speak to LW if I'm early to school) so I'm kinda like eeeeee who do I talk to.

The other girl left with the boys - AW - I think she's going through some stuff, I'm not close enough to her to know the depths of her struggles, but I am friends with her. Anyway, three girls from my group, AmJ, AlJ and JD, hang out with their group all the time now. And also AlJ is going out with JG, and JD is going out with OW (a guy from their group).

I'm from the other group of basically all girls, but I got close to the others because CH and a guy called KH are in my form and KH goes to air cadets with my little brother so I got closer to him and subsequently the rest of their group. (I mean I've been friends with OW since like year 10 he went out with my best friend of the time who since has left, and JG is in my biology, so I was already kinda close with them) so sometimes I sit with their table and sometimes I sit with my group.

The October Social was coming up, and I was invited to their pre drinks at JG's house. It was me, AmJ, AlJ, AW, JD (girls) and JG, OW, KH, AC, MH, MD (boys)

First off I was worried about being seen as replacements by the girls who recently left, because normally they'd go to JG's house for prees, but this was the first social since their massive fall out, and they were not invited to prees.

I mean besides that I was so fucking hype for the social because we haven't had a social since March and I had a lot of homework and responsibilities building up and I was very ready do drink away my problems and fucking forget about everything, and hopefully get drunk enough to grow some balls and talk to Q.

Ahh, Q. Bet y'all forgot about him? Well, I did over summer. 6 whole weeks and we didn't say a word to each other. By the time I went back to school and realised that I don't sit next to him in maths anymore I debated just giving up on him? You know, it's nearly been a whole year and /nothing/ has happened.

But after about a week of school my heart decided that I still like him, so I messaged him again, and we started having decent conversations again.

However from there things started to go wrong.

The first warning sign I was given was where I should've stopped.

He said minecraft was a shit game. I told my little brother, who then called Q a fucking retard, and we both said we'd beat up Q (obviously this is a joke but I was also devastated like hello you don't play minecraft?? Scum??)

I also told 2 more friends I liked Q when we went to watch Joker when it came out. JR already knew, she was the og from the stories who was the only person who knew, then I told CA and MC (both girls) and they were like awww cute. So obvs that made me very happy.

About a week before the social I had a free with CA and we were talking about Q, when CA asked me if I was there when he cried at the February social. I was like what? He cried? Why?

She said it was because his crush, JD, got with OW.

His crush. JD. My friend. JD.

She then said she had to convince Q to not invite JD to his birthday party. Which was in May. Can you hear my heart breaking? I've liked him since October 2018, and here I am, listening to my best mate tell me he liked someone else all this time. Obviously I don't hate JD or CA I love them to pieces and JD still doesn't know I like Q. I also couldn't blame Q for liking JD because she's absolutely breathtaking.

But CA reminded me that all this was before summer, and he's had months to move on from it. Around Feb-Mar he kinda stopped talking to me outside of lessons, and as it got closer to summer the only thing we'd message each other for was the homework. Then obviously we had the 6 weeks of summer silence. Now he's talking to me again, and in maths we catch each other glancing over from across the room, yano cute year 7 shit? lolll.

So, back to the social. I was very excited to get pissed out of my mind and say. hi. to. Q! The day before the social we had stats and we sit in tables; I sit with my back to Q but Q faces me, and whilst I was doing my work the girl who sits opposite me turns to the person she sits next to and says "he keeps staring at her" and they BOTH LOOK AT ME HELLO!??

I was sure I had a chance. CA was gonna be my wing-woman and everything was gonna go perfectly.

until the social actually happened. I just wish I stayed at prees tbh.

Prees was so much fun. I had 2 cans of cider, 2 glasses of peach schnapps mixed with lemonade, and JG made vodka jelly which was deadly. We got the bus into town which was a nightmare (in a good way) because everyone was PISSED and I couldn't walk in a straight line.

We got to the social, and I was ready to get fucked up!! I found CA and met her bf who was cool, and at one point Q walked past, and Chloe pointed and laughed, then I imitated this meme I showed her and we pissed ourselves.

me: me at social
CA: hhnffndjddss

Here's where it all started to go wrong.

CA took drugs, and left the party with her bf about an hour after it started. MC tried to flush the drugs down the loo so CA and MC both thought the other hated them. (They've since sorted it out and they're fine)

My wing woman was gone. That's okay, I can do this alone. I'd try and get close when we were dancing but he was too out of his mind to even notice. I walked past him at one point and we smiled at each other, and I whipped out the peace signs ✌🏻😁✌🏻 <— me.

I spent most of my night either dancing with AW, or sat with this guy we'll call Z, who's in my group of friends, and went to prees at JG's too. He bought me so many shots it's unreal (because he's 18) and was being really friendly with me. I mean, we are mates, he's in my chemistry and we get along.

I'd noticed at prees he kept glancing at me, and you know when you just get that feeling that someone wants to be around you all the time. We'd be walking to chemistry and instead of walking with his mates he'd walk with me, and at the social he'd always sit next to me, he'd buy drinks and not give anyone any except me, and at one point he leant his head on my shoulder.

(I'm not one for physical contact, but I tried not to worry because he was just drunk)

JD and OW were sat with us, and OW calls Z over, so on instinct I lean in too, but OW tells me to go away. After they spoke I turn to Z and ask what was said. He replied saying "oh nothing, he just said AC was supposed to help me tonight but he's not here." So I said "help with what?" And he replied "getting me a girlfriend."

I kinda just froze up, said "oh" and smiled a bit. The clogs were turning in my head and I thought. "not me please. I like Q."

I like Z as a friend. He's a great guy. I just don't like him in that way. The last thing I want to do is lead him on and hurt him, because it's already happened to him once in year 12, with guess who!! LW! It was so obvious he liked her, but she kept saying she didn't know how she felt, and would still get him to drive her everywhere and pay for her all the time. It was awful seeing how sad he got you know? I don't think I could ever forgive myself if I did that to him too.

Anyway, some time passed, I had more shots, mingled with some more people.

It was about midnight, and I was sat on a sofa with MC - who had been depressed all night because of what happened with CA - when all of a sudden I looked over to the corner.

I saw Q talking with a girl from the year below - I didn't know her but she was so much prettier than me lol. She was leaning against the wall and he had his arms leaning on the wall by her shoulders like caging her in (I seriously thought that only happened in fanfics), he was leant in really close and they were talking whilst their noses were basically touching. He turned around and accidentally saw me, and did a double take to look at my very drunk and sad face. The two of them walked out of the building, and as Q walked passed me he pulled out the peace signs ✌🏻🙂✌🏻 <— him.

I think AlJ noticed this, because as soon as he walked past she dragged me up and over to dance, and wouldn't let me leave. If she thought I looked too sad she'd hold my hand and force me to dance.

Q came back a little later with the same girl and as they were dancing his hands were around her waist, her arms were on his chest and they were smiling at each other. From that point onwards I decided not to look, because my heart was already aching. A years worth of feelings were just shattering in that one moment, and yeah, it hurt.

I don't hate anyone though, I don't hate the girl because how the hell was she supposed to know? (I don't even remember what she looks like🤭) and I don't hate Q, because it had been a year, and there hadn't been anything significant between us, you know? It was just me in my feelings, talking to him on snapchat occasionally and sharing a bit of banter.

JG (AlJ's bf) came over to dance for a bit and I found my opportunity to slip away. I sat down next to JF (the gay guy) and straight away he said "are you okay? You don't look okay?" So I asked him "what do you do when you see the guy you like get with another girl?" To which he replied "you can't do much."

I stayed sat down on the couch for the rest of the social (which was about 20 mins) with MC (we were the depressed duo) where she told me about CA (as if my night couldn't get worse lol?) JF came back a little later with another girl EC (who knew I liked Q) and they both said "don't worry about it you'll be okay." So I recon EC told JF who I liked and now the whole group's gonna know.

OW came up to me, saying AmJ was looking for me. It was nearly 12:30, and my dad was taking me and AmJ home. She was in the toilets, and I told her it was time to leave, she said "do you have a bucket in your car? I don't feel well."

My night just got worse.

Luckily she wasn't sick in the car, but she was in her garden, and I had to hold her hair whilst she threw up the liquid in her stomach.

I got home, went to bed after downing a pint of water and cried. I feel really stupid saying that, but I did. Remember I was still drunk. On top of the drinks at prees I'd had about 7 or 8 shots of Jägerbombs. Most of which Z bought me. Others were given to me by various other friends. (I didn't buy a single one :/ )

I couldn't sleep all night, and I've had this awful feeling in my chest since that night. (It was Friday 18th October, so as I'm writing it's been 2 days) It feels like when you get really nervous and your heart beats really fast, except mine isn't really beating fast, it just feels like it is. I don't really feel like eating (I obviously still do) but I'm a big eater, and for some reason I'm just not hungry anymore? I also just have no energy, I don't want to do anything, and I feel sad all the time.

Every time I think about Z my cheeks go red and I get sad and embarrassed.
Every time I think about Q my heart hurts and I get sad and regretful.

I don't know if Q actually kissed this girl or not, but they looked way too close to be just friends. Whether it was a drunken move or whether it's permanent I don't know, but I've got school tomorrow and frankly I don't want to be there to see Q or Z.

The next day I spoke to my best mate Grace about it all and asked for advice (since she's older and knows what she's talking about) she told me not to talk to Q anymore. She also said I need to keep an eye out for Z, because I told her I don't like him that way, but what I'm really scared of is using him as a rebound because I can't go out with Q.

She said watch him, because he might just be being a nice person, and might not like me (which I really hope) but if he is actually being flirty I need to keep my distance, because after having my heart crushed, dealing with another person's needs to wait a few months.

I don't want to use Z. I don't want to hurt Z. He's such a nice person and a great friend and it would kill me if he got hurt because of me.

wow I just cried writing that last bit okay um-

I've been sinking deep into kpop to solve my problems this weekend because cute teenage Asian idols doing aegyo is an incredible coping mechanism.

But yeah. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. My driving test is on Tuesday and I'm already nervous and if I fail again I'm gonna get even more sad. I need to write my personal statement instead of playing Mario Kart and I need to tell JR this story because she didn't go to the social so I might cry again hooray!! 🤩

Thanks for reading if you did lol, sorry to burden you with my life and I'm even more sorry if I come across as privileged, because there are so many people out there who are going through so much worse it's incomprehensible, but if I think like that I'll never recover from my breakdown.

Adiós amigos, I'll probably come back in 6 months and update you on what happened.

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