Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the second 'barf fest' of the series, featuring cutesy toads, not-so-cutesy gross guys, and overall insanity!

Wario: Oh, COME ON! Another stupid holiday??

NintendoJedi: I'm sorry people, I'm sorry! I promise this will be the last one for a long, long time.

Wario: And this is the worst holiday ever, Be-Smoochy-And-Disgusting Day! That's my most hated day of the year!

Daisy: Wow, you're SO complicated!

Toad: Hey, it's my favorite!

NintendoJedi: I'm glad you think so, Toad!! *smiling proudly*

Toad: For some reason that makes me unsettled.

... And now people, prepare for the on-and-off Craziness and awkward romantic moments that shall ensue!

One Mushroom Kingdom day, when the pink heart-shaped vines on the castle's exterior were coming into full bloom, Princess Peach stood out on her castle balcony tending them lovingly. She was absentmindedly fixing the leaves and humming her rescue theme in a completely normal, albeit unusual moment of princessy bliss. Pairs of birds sung serenading songs through the breeze, colorful spring flowers had begun to appear, and the air was sugary enough to coat an entire town.
So, as I'm sure most of you people gathered already, it was Valentine's Day in Crazy Mario Land.
Again.
Now, Peach was probably thinking about gross stuff like the valentine Mario had got her last year and the chocolates the year before that. So it wasn't surprising that she had been beside herself over what to give him this year.
Previously, Daisy had tried to tell her that she shouldn't worry about it.

-30 MINUTES EARLIER-

Peach*on phone*: Daisy, this is killing me. What do I do for Mario this year?

Daisy: Killing you? That's pretty strong language.

Peach: Alright, it's hurting my conscience. What do you think he'd like?

Daisy: Probably something embarrassing like that K-I-Double S word, or a giant meatball made of angus.

Peach: Please just help me.

Daisy: Why are you asking me? Haven't you known him since the beginning of time?

Peach: Oh! Maybe I'll give him the last case of Chuckocinno coffee that Toadsworth had imported!

Daisy: *falls out of chair* Woah, dude! But Peach, you love that stuff! Like... you love it more than you love yourself! Remember when you told me that?

Peach: Yeah, but... (mentally finish sentence)

Daisy: We all heard you finish that sentence.

Peach: 'We?'

Daisy: Oh nothing. But anyway, you're the princess! You're not obligated to get him anything. That's his job.

Peach: But...

Random Voice: Ooh, are we discussing romantic gifts??

Peach and Daisy: SHRIEEEEKK!!

Random Voice: Sheesh, don't welcome me too quick or anything.

Peach: G-green Toad, what are you doing on the line?!

Green Toad: I don't know.

Peach and Daisy: *instantly hang up*

...ANYway...

Deciding that her flowers were all aptly watered, Peach took the giant watering can, which was still half full, and did what she usually did: dump its contents over the side into the moat. But as you probably guessed, she wasn't paying much attention to where she was dumping and sent it right over the bridge below.
"SHRIEEEKKK!!"
Mario let loose a very 'manly' scream as a gallon of random water showered over his head. (Let's be honest, you would probably do that too.)
Peach looked over the railing and gasped. "Oh my gosh, Mario I'm so sorry!" Unsure what to do, she turned and ran back inside the castle.
5 minutes 36 seconds later...
Peach finally appeared at the front doors anxiously. Mario was still just standing there like a dork.
"Hehe, oh, hi Mario!" she grinned sheepishly. "I'm so sorry about that-
"Oh, it's-a okay, principessa," Mario replied, wiping off his mouth. "I uh... didn't tell you I was coming."
"No?" she said, suddenly a bit nervous. Then there was an awkward silence which lasted for 3 seconds but felt like 30 minutes. Mario glanced around like he could see something much more interesting on the horizon.

Random Invisible Audience Member: COME ON! JUST DO IT!! DONT LET YOUR DREAMS BE DREAMS!!

"Um... oh, here, use this to dry off a little," Peach offered, suddenly remembering that Mario was kind of dripping wet. She produced a dainty pink handkerchief with gold embroidery from her magic dress pocket.
"Thanks, but you don't have to do that," Mario replied, taking it anyway. The instant he did a shout rang up from the bushes.
"OMG!! He accepted her handkerchief! It must be love!!"
The two stared in stupefied surprise as Toad emerged from a bush where he was obviously spying. Peach put her hands on her hips.
"Toad! Go inside and ask Toadette what she's doing!" she scolded.

Blue Toad: Oh sure. It's not okay when TOAD spies...

With that doofus aptly distracted, she turned back to Mario, who was using her hanky to wipe his forehead. "Well... I wanted to give you this, Mario," she said, handing over the promised coffee. Mario stopped her.
"Wait, me first," he insisted, giving back her handkerchief all dirty and sweaty. Peach stared at it and took it back in a very expressionless manner. Then she giggled as Mario searched all twenty of his invisible pockets for the thing he was looking for.

Random Invisible Audience Member: COME ON!! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!

Finally he produced a single velvety red rose. "Hehe, uh... happy Valentine's Day, princess," he said.
Peach was startled. "Where did you get that at this time of year?" she asked in amazement (for apparently roses don't grow early in the Mushroom Kingdom).
"Well, I travelled across the world to get it for you," he replied like it was no biggie.

Luigi: Oh, so THAT'S where you were last night.

Random Invisible Audience Members: *romantic sighs*

Peach took it and tested its smell. "Oh Mario that's the sweetest thing -
She was interrupted by a purple laser blast shooting by and nearly taking Mario's head off.
"SHRIIIEEEEK!"
For the second time Mario screamed like a girl, jumping out of the way and this time landing in Peach's arms. However, she was entirely unprepared for his weight and only supported him for a couple seconds before dropping him. Either he was too heavy or she didn't want to be seen holding him by Professor E.Gadd, who was suddenly two inches away from them.
"Young love, huh?" he asked.
Now it was Peach's turn to shriek.
"SHREEIIIKK!!"
(Told you.)

Blue Toad: Oh great, whenever THAT guy shows up we know we're in for something.

"Oh... Professor Gadd, how lovely to see you," she stammered, helping a frazzled Mario off the ground. "What brings you here?"
"Hehe, oh, sorry about the weapons testing, your highness! It was the very feeling of love in the air that drew me!"
Mario and Peach stared at him awkwardly. He looked normal as ever ('normal' is a highly-stretched term around here) with a giant clunky crossbow in his arms - the latest doomed invention, no doubt.
"Yeah great. Now could you just keep your lethal gaddgets out of... uh... this?" Mario asked awkwardly.
"Uh... what's the weapon?" Peach asked uncertainly.
"Is it a gun?" Mario asked, suddenly excited. "With actual ammo this time??"

Blue Toad: Because that's what EVERY Valentine's Day needs.

"Mario, you know he almost hit you with that," Peach reminded.
"Hehe, yeah, sorry about that, lad. Well it is a gun of sorts..." E. Gadd scratched his head. "You see, I invented this doodad for this very occasion!"
More awkwardness. "To... shoot Mario in the back?" Peach asked.
"To inspire love in its target!" The professor corrected. "I call it the Romanticizer 1000. Essentially, it should make the one who's struck by its beam more... affectionate!"
More awkward staring.
"And with the way it got him in your arms just like that, I see it has already been a success!" E. Gadd exclaimed.
Mario and Peach cleared their throats and glanced around with the most awkwardly awkward teenage awkwardness in the history of... awkwardity.

Green Toad: Wait, inspire love?

Blue Toad: Like Cupid? Oh man, that sounds so so dangerous... like, it's a shipper gun! This could be the biggest calamity the Mushroom Kingdom has ever seen!

Yellow Toad: WEVE GOT AN ALMIGHTY SHIPPER ON DECK!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

"But anyway, I wanted to test my device in the field before using it on my desired subject," the professor went on.
"And who would that be...?" Peach asked curiously.
"Why, I was going to ask the deceased Lady Belinda if she wanted to join me for tea."
"Don't ask," Mario whispered when Peach just stared.

Luigi: Oh my gosh.

"Uhh... well, do you think you could test it on... non living things?" Peach asked.
"Or Wario!" Mario suggested with a snort. "Boy, that guy could use it!"
"Be careful what you wish for, Mario," Peach whispered. "I'm not sure if you should mess with-
"Well I suppose I could try it on him. If you're sure you don't consent," E. Gadd replied.
"Uuh, no thank you!" Mario said quickly.

Blue Toad: Oh GOSH, please no. A more affectionate Mario is the LAST thing we need.

"Alright. Now where can I find that rotund rascal?" The professor asked, slinging the bow over his shoulder.
"Hey! You mean ruggedly ruddy rascal!" Wario interrupted, popping up behind them like a pansy from the snow. Waluigi was the pansy that followed. (You see, foobs tend to lurk around spying on people on touchy-feely holidays such as this one, likely as a result of their incapability to care about anything but their own ego.)
"Ekspay of the evilday," Mario sighed loudly.
Wario frowned. "Was that Italian?"
"Ah, there you are! Fellas, would you be interested in helping me test out this new invention?" E. Gadd asked in that annoyingly E. Gadd way.
Waluigi grabbed it right out of his hands. "Cool gun! Are you kidding, we'd LOVE to test it, old dude!"
Wario was amazed. "Hey! Now my lifelong dream of playing real-life Game of Thrones can come true!!"
Peach gasped. "Oh no, no no no no no-!"
Mario froze. "Beanpole. Listen to me carefully," he instructed. "Put the Romanticizer down-"
"Yes, do return that at once!" E. Gadd said. "You have no idea how much terrible power you have!"
Peach began to inch behind Mario. "Does that actually make people fall in love?" she asked fearfully.
"Well that's why I was testing it!" E. Gadd replied.
"You idiot!!" Mario said randomly, and it was hard to tell who exactly he was talking to. He stepped forward menacingly. "Alright lanky boy, gimme the gun!"
Waluigi turned up his nose. "Yeah right, I'm gonna listen to the guy who's five feet shorter than me," he said. "You're practically like a little kid!"
Mario growled like a frustrated little puppy. "Do you have any idea what that thing even does?"
Waluigi tapped his chin. "Um.... I dunno."
"It makes you mad, which is all that matters!" Wario said, trying to grab it. He probably would have turned and shot Mario in the chest had Waluigi not yanked back on it and they started a very adultish tussle.
"Wal, give it to me!"
"No way, I grabbed it first!"
"But I wanna play Game of Thrones!"
Peach hid behind Mario (which is not an easy thing to do) and held her breath in anticipation of the worst. E. Gadd resumed his chewing-outing job, which had absolutely no effect whatsoever.
"Gentlemen, please, I beg you to stop! That is a highly sophisticated and expensive device -"
"Expensive my behind!" Wario replied.
Which is exactly when something weird happened, the crossbow slipped, and a bright purple beam shot over their heads. It missed them all by miles... and happened to hit Toadette, who was walking out of the castle at that moment.
She was whistling and skipping along to herself, the picture of blissful happiness as she picked the petals from a flower. "He loves me... he loves me not... he loves me-"
The giant laser came in like a wrecking ball and sent her reeling backwards like in a violent war movie, finally making her tumble into the moat with a splash.
Everyone stared. Waluigi looked like that 'startled cat' meme. "Whoa... that was AWESOME!" He and Wario high-fived.
"Oh my gosh!" Peach cried, running up to the moat's edge. Everyone followed, where they could clearly see Toadette sinking to the bottom like a bucket of lard in the Mississippi.
"Oh... she's unresponsive, I think she's drowning!" Peach exclaimed.
In all the commotion, E. Gadd managed to snatch the Romanticizer away from the foobs, who were gawking at their latest 'kill'.
Mario, taking it as a request, sprang to the edge of the fence and dove in after the sinking Toadette like some war hero whose name probably escapes me.
Wario snorted. "Show off."
Peach glared at him.
When Mario emerged by way of the convenient moat steps with Toadette in his arms, everything turned a bit more serious. Toadette sat up on the grass and coughed. "Ooh... what happened?" she asked.
"You got shot by a romantic gun and the foobs sent you hurling into the water like a wrecking ball," Mario explained. "No biggie."
"Ohh..."
"Are you alright?" Peach asked.
"Yeah, I'm lovely, Princess! It's just... oh my shrooms, where has HE been all my life?!" Toadette squealed, staring at the foobs a distance away.
Mario and Peach followed her gaze with distinctly perplexed looks. "He? You mean that beanpole? Waluigi?" Mario asked skeptically.
"Waluigi," Toadette sighed. "Oh, never have I heard it's equal!"
Mario and Peach shared a look over Toadette's head that would have been perfectly at home in a homeless shelter for sumo wrestlers. Mario did a cuckoo sign.
"Uhm... Toadette, do you feel okay in the head?" Peach asked. But she had already gotten up and started forward.
"Oh, Waluigi, for the stars we two must fly! There is not enough room in the entire world for the feeling here in my heart, stricken at first sight!" And then Toadette clung to Waluigi's leg and stuck there.
"What the-!"
"Oh, dear! You are so much taller than I thought! It's adorable!"
Mario and Peach stared in disgusted disbelief and horror and shock and terror and surprise and 23 other adjectives.

Halfway around the world...

Shigeru Miyamoto sat up at the desk in a conference room at Nintendo Kyoto Headquarters.
"Is something the matter, Miyamoto-san?" asked an employee.
"No... I just felt a great disturbance in the canon, that is all." Perturbed, he retook his seat.

... Meanwhile...

Finally Peach shook her head slowly. "Oh no," she breathed, watching Toadette try to kiss Waluigi's foot. "Oh no this is bad. This is bad, this is bad, this is... bad!"
"She actually likes that piece of... grossness?" Mario asked, trying to wrinkle his nose without much success.

Blue Toad: Well I can see why Mario's a famous novelist.

"Yes, I'm talking to you, baby!" Toadette poked a stupefied Waluigi (whose face would later be on the cover of Stupidity Weekly). "Would you like to come get some sundaes?" She giggled.
Mario turned and barfed right onto Peach's bushes.

Luigi: I guess I'm obligated to say that it's probably organic.

Blue Toad: I hesitate to believe that anything coming from Mario's stomach is organic.

E. Gadd stared at Toadette's dizzying display in wonder. "It really does work!" he exclaimed, kissing the crossbow. "A romance fast enough that Sleeping Beauty would be jealous! Alright!"
Peach finally rushed forward, ignoring the delightful sounds Mario was making as he upchucked things. "Oh professor, this is a problem," she cried. "Stop rejoicing, Toadette's not in her right mind! This is... oh! Just look at what a mess!"
Mario meandered over to them, looking sick. "Oh hey guys," he said. "I just had this crazy dream that Toadette was in love with Waluigi! Like, how gross is that?!"
Waluigi tried to pull Toadette off his leg unsuccessfully. Wario rolled on the ground in unashamed laughter.
"BWAHAHA!! Oh, this is one for the books!You always wanted a girlfriend and look what you got!!"
Waluigi frowned and slugged him in the head, which had no effect (probably because Wario has rocks for brains).
Mario groaned at the sickening sight. "Uhh.... excuse me for a sec." Then he returned to the barf bush.
Peach turned to E. Gadd. "Professor this is a serious problem," she told him. "This is unfair to Toadette! You have to be able to fix it," she said.
E. Gadd thought for a moment. "It works by a sort of hypnotism," he mused. "Well, I suppose I could try -
"YOOHOOOOO! Toadeeeeeeette!!" Toad's shrieky voice interrupted then, and they looked up to see him coming out of the castle. "I got a present for youuuuuuuuu!!"
Peach gasped. "Oh... perhaps Toad can help snap Toadette out of it, then!"
Toad walked up to them holding a little heart-shaped present. "Hey guys. Princess, old guy," he nodded to both of them. "Have you seen OH MY LIVING SHROOMS ABOVE!!!!"
Everyone stared in frozen fear as Toad marched up to Waluigi, who was still trying to detach the clingy Toadette from himself.
"Excuse me sir, I believe you have stolen something that belongs to me!" Toad announced like a super epicly brave guy.
"So what if I have?" Waluigi replied, which did not exactly help.
Without warning, Toad reached into the beanpole's pocket and pulled out a bag of Doritos. "I'll be taking THIS back, thank you!"
Peach and E. Gadd glanced at each other.
Then Toad did a double take. "And furthermore... Toadette, I have a gift for you!"
Toadette paused from her smooching attempts and turned to him. "You talking to me, Stinky?"
"Haha! Of course I am, Toadette! Happy Valentine's Day!" He offered her the package.
Five minutes earlier, I think it's quite obvious how she would have reacted.
I think it's also quite obvious how she'll be reacting now.
"Ew, no thanks! Go away, weirdo!"
Everyone in the vicinity gasped like she'd said she hated mushrooms.

Everyone on Planet Nintendo: BLASPHEMY!!

Toad blinked at the audience. "Did I miss something?"
"Interesting," E. Gadd mused. "She seems to have developed an additional hatred towards Toad!"
Toadette rolled her eyes. "You know, 'she' is standing right here."
"Oh, Toadette! You wouldn't refuse a gift from Toad on Valentine's Day!" Peach exclaimed.
Toadette gave Toad a look like he was covered in sewer sludge. "Yeah, I would," she replied definitively. "Oh, Waluigi! Why don't we go to the theater?"
Toad wore a look like he'd just been told that his diaper was full. "What?! How can you like Waluigi?? I thought we were best friends!!"
"Not even just friends," Toadette replied, barely giving him a second glance. She turned to Peach. "Do you ever just get that feeling like you want to slap Toad in the face?"
Peach turned to the professor in horror.
Wario raised his hand. "Oh, I do! Right now, in fact!" he said.
"Wario, you always want to slap someone in the face," Peach said. "As for you, Toadette..."
Toadette pulled Waluigi's hand. "Come on sweetiekins, let's go somewhere lovely!"
Wario snickered brilliantly while Waluigi fell to his knees and screamed to the sky. "WHHYYYYYYYYYYY??!! Why is my one chance at love ruined by her stupid species??!? WAAAAAAHHHHHHHH?!!??"
Toadette just giggled and probably would have started to drag him off when Peach stepped forward. "Oh no you don't. Toadette, I need your help in the castle," she said firmly. "While the professor here works on IMPORTANT scientific antidotes."
E. Gadd glanced around and whistled Andy Griffith like a totally innocent old guy.
Peach turned to the foobs. "You all better get out of here. NOW."
"Never gladder!!" Waluigi cried in relief, tearing for the hills faster than a chicken from a slingshot.
Toadette waved sadly. "I'll call you!!"
Wario lingered for a minute. "Aww, come on Peach! I was gonna sing a song for you and everything!"
Peach pointed. "OUT!!"

Blue Toad: Phew! Thank goodness. I thought we were gonna have to stomach Wario's singing too!

Luigi: There's only so much one can handle in one day.

When those doofuses had left, with their damage deeply done, Mario came back over. "We're gonna need an extremely skilled gardener to take care of those bushes," he informed them.
Peach moaned. "Toad, Toadette, if you could go to the tv room in the castle, please," she instructed. "I'll be with you in a minute."
"Right away, princess... get away from me!" Toadette hissed as Toad tried to follow her.
"But Muffin Cake!" Toad cried. "Don't you wanna walk with me?"
"Muffin Cake?! Who calls anyone Muffin Cake?" Mario asked as they went bickering into the castle.
Peach didn't have time for dumb food conversations. "Alright Mario, here's the plan for today," she announced. "We're going to try to make Toad and Toadette get along while the professor works on a cure for this freaky lovestruck condition afflicting Toadette."
E. Gadd scratched his head. "Yeah, well, actually, I'm going to be seeing this lady soon and -
"WORKING!!" Peach demanded.
"Yes ma'am!!" E. Gadd scrambled off with crossbow in tow, presumably to blow stuff up in a laboratory.
Mario wiped his mouth and turned to her. "So we're showing Toadette how great Toad is, huh? Like, matchmaking?!"
Peach nodded. "Basically. I figured it can't hurt to try to help her remember!.. That is, as long as you didn't have any other plans."
Mario nodded awkwardly, still sopping from his dive in the moat. "Oh no, I'm free! Aaaaall day." He cleared his throat. "I uh... don't suppose you have a bigger handkerchief, do you?" he asked.

One trip into the castle later...

Mario leaned on the table in the kitchen and studied the paper Peach laid in front of him. He looked dumb but strangely familiar with a towel draped like a cape on his shoulders and another like a turban on his head and another around his waist like a shower guy.

Luigi: That's because this isn't the first time something like this has happened.

Blue Toad: Yeah, you know there's nothing new under the sun.

Luigi: So they say, but I don't know, I get the impression that's a different sun.

NintendoJedi: Never let it be said that stranger things have happened in Crazy Mario Land.

Blue Toad: Why?

Luigi: Because each outdoes the last.

NintendoJedi: Anyway guys, you're ruining my narrative.

"Here's the plan," Peach explained. "Our Valentine's Day objective sheet, otherwise known as the Get-Toad-and-Toadette-Back-Together-Plan."
"So, the GTTBTP," Mario said. "Do I have to memorize that?"
"Mario, focus," Peach told him. Of course at this point he was more focused on his rose in her hair.
"Right... focusing," he said, starting to drool.
Peach decided to not notice him. "So first we have them watching a romantic movie," she decided. "Then they can go outside and watch for shooting stars! She couldn't possibly hate him after that... I mean, atmosphere sets the mood, right?..."
Mario was just staring at her in that dumb bewitched way and nodded to everything she said. "Yeah... hate him... good," he repeated.
Peach rolled her eyes.
Birdo, who happened to just be conveniently there using Peach's kitchen, peered at her plan. "So you're spending your romantic day trying to make it romantic for someone else? That just sounds so dangerous and wrong," she observed.
Peach frowned and glanced at her. "... Birdo, when did you get in my kitchen?"
"That's irrelevant. I'm here to tell you that shipping - or matchmaking or whatever you like to call it - is dangerously dangerous! Nothing good comes when you play Cupid. Especially when one of them openly hates the other."
"Okay, first, that's not true, and second, how do you know that?"
Because Birdo was too lazy to answer, she waved her hand around and said, "Magic!" Then she grabbed a box of twinkies and left.

Luigi: That's not funny. Mario used to use that as an answer all the time when we were little.

Blue Toad: I do it all the time.

Mario: I want twinkies!

Luigi: Mario, that's not what we're talking about.

Mario: Well it should be!

Peach shrugged. "Well, anyway. Mario, what movie do you think we should have them watch? I want something sweet, but not too emotional."
Mario shot up. "Movie? You didn't say we were gonna get to pick the movie!"
"We're trying to set up a romantic atmosphere," she reminded patiently. "Remember? We need to make them get along?"
"Oh... but what if they don't want to?"
"It's Valentine's Day. I'm sure if they're meant to be - and they ARE - it'll work out. We just... have to give them a little push!"
Mario grinned. "So we're love doctors," he replied. "Fun!"
"Come on, Mario, I need romantic ideas," she said, then realized a second too late that it probably wasn't the best thing to say.
Mario raised his eyebrows. "Ohh, I get it," he said, grinning. Peach stared at him in slight concern.
"So we're gonna play matchmakers. I know just the techniques." Mario rubbed his hands together sneakily.

Blue Toad: I'm not sure if I can stand for this to go on.

Five minutes later...

Mario stood in the castle's enormous tv room, before the two toads who sat on opposite ends of the couch. Toadette was trying to be as far away from Toad as possible, and Toad was doing the same (to avoid having his head taken off by a psycho Toadette).
"Alrighty guys, what do you think?" Mario asked, holding up two movies. "The Kitsune and the Hound, or The Demented?"
Peach appeared at his side. "What? Mario, are you kidding, they can't watch The Demented!"
Mario shrugged. "Why not, they're adults, aren't they?"
"But they might not know that!" Peach whispered. They glanced up at them, where Toad was hiding behind a pillow while Toadette signaled that she was ready to slice his neck.
Mario shrugged again. "See? It's right up their alley!"
"Mario, don't be ridiculous."
"Fine, puppies and kitsunes it is," Mario rolled his eyes. "I don't watch chick flicks."

Luigi: Hey, that's not a chick flick, it's a good movie!

An hour later...

Toad and Toadette sat entranced before Peach's 120-inch flatscreen tv, downing Nutella by the bottle. Every 13 seconds Toad tried to inch closer to her, and she would grimace at him and scoot away.
"I just looooooove this part! Don't you, Toadette?"
"No! You smell like 3 day old ham that's been sprayed on by a skunk!"
"Well, I think you smell like roses," Toad replied.
"Well, you're gross!"
Unbeknownst to them, a pair of heads slowly began to rise up from behind the couch like they had been for the whole movie.
"Oh boy. Let's hope that some time will break the ice," Peach whispered. "Toadette is so mean, and Toad is so forgiving!"
"I had no idea this movie was so beautiful," Mario sniffed, not hearing her. Peach did a double take.
"...Mario? Are you crying?"
"No, of course not! I just love watching tv here," he replied indifferently.
Peach grinned. "Even if you're watching silently from behind a couch full of bickering fungi?"
"Of course!"
Peach narrowed her eyes at him. "Well I think-"
Just then Blue Toad walked by and saw them camped out behind the couch like broke people at a yard sale. He was about to open his loud mouth and say something obnoxious when Mario and Peach violently signaled him to stay quiet.
"You people are spying on a movie date on Valentine's Day? Don't you have anything better to do?" he whispered.
"Aside from eating shrimp cocktail, nope," Mario replied.
"It's for the sake of love, Blue Toad," Peach said. "It's for the sake of love!"
Mario nodded and pulled out some card from his wallet. "We're certified love doctors, back away, buddy."
Blue Toad squinted at it. "That's a Brooklyn driver's license with marker on it," he said.
Mario stood up and bashed him over the head with it. "ITS ABOUT LOVE!!"
Toad and Toadette were startled witless by his outburst, resulting in the movie magically pausing itself. Everyone stared at Mario like he'd just said he was growing a beard, which meant that the moment was awkward.

Luigi: Ha! The day he says that, I'm moving to Antarctica!

"Your highness?" Toadette gasped, now that their cover was blown. "What's going on?"
"Oh! Nothing at all Toadette, I just wanted to make sure you were having a good time!"
Toadette snorted. "Not with this guy," she said, jerking a thumb to Toad as he picked his nonexistent nose. "Can't I invite over Waluigi?"
Peach was shocked. "Perhaps you've forgotten that he's the one who put the egg stains on my kitchen ceiling?"
"But he's just so dreamy..." Toadette replied.
Toad looked perplexed. "Was it something I did?"
"I don't even wanna know," said Blue Toad, which was the smartest thing anyone had done all day.
"Oh, Toad! Toadette! I have something I need you all to see," Peach exclaimed, rushing forward and taking them by the hand. Catching her drift, Mario nodded over enthusiastically and helped her usher them out the door.
"Yeah! Something absolutely normal and not romantic at all!"
"But what about our movie?" Toad asked.
"Somebody probably dies and they all live happily ever after," Mario replied, shoving him out the door. "The end!"

After a brief and boring trip outside into the magically budding twilight, we return to the next scene of the GTTBTP.

Yellow Toad: Green Toad Tries Belching Taco Powder?

Blue Toad: No! Haven't you been paying attention?

Yellow Toad: Not at all.

Blue Toad: ... Lucky you.

"So you want me to do what??" Toadette asked in horror.
"I want you and Toad to wait here and watch for the first shooting star!" Peach explained. "Not too hard, right?"
"WRONG! I can't sit with... him," she said, pointing at Toad as he did a funky little dance. Then he spotted a firefly and jumped up and caught it in his mouth.
"Plus, what's even the point of watching for stars? We have plenty of those!" Toadette argued.
Peach sighed. "Toadette, I know you can't understand this now... but someday we'll all look back, and have a good laugh." Then she grabbed Mario's shoulder and dragged him away.
Toadette crossed her arms and glared at Toad. "Sure, she gets to run off and have fun with her boyfriend, and I'm stuck with Sir Prancy-pants!"
Toad pranced over to her, full mouth glowing green from within. "Mm-hmmmmm!"
"Ew! Just... go sit over there!" She pointed to a tree twenty yards away.
Toad looked hurt. "But Toadette, I wanna sing a special song for you! I wrote it myself!"

Wario: Hey, stop stealing my idea!

Toad cleared his throat. Behind him, the moon seemed to shine down like a spotlight and sparkly fireflies suddenly filled the air like confetti at a football game. Magic xylophones started playing from nowhere.
"What the..?" Mario whispered from where he and Peach were camped inconspicuously behind a bush.
Peach put a hand over his mouth. "Don't ask," she replied.

Blue Toad: I knew that nothing I said would make a toot of a difference.

Then, to everyone's utter horror, Toad began to sing.
"Toadette is amazing,
Toadette is so kind,
Toadette is so lovely,
Toadette is so fine!
If ever a guy
Could have one as she,
That guy'd be so lucky,
That guy would be me!"
It was followed by an encore from the Cricket Orchestra, Symphony of Losertown.
Mario and Peach stared. And stared a little bit more. Finally Mario whispered, "I think he might be getting through to her."
Peach sighed. "I don't know..."
"It kinda reminds me of that mayonnaise jar. Like the first time I fell in love."
Peach glanced at him.
"I justa felt so light and on air all the time," Mario went on. "Writing love letters, except I had to use crayons... because I was only four."
Peach frowned. "Pardon, you fell in love with a mayonnaise jar?"
Mario reddened in the twilight. "No... of course not! She was just so delicious...!"
"Shh-!" Peach slapped both hands over his mouth. They peeked over the bush to see Toad coming forward to Toadette.
"Oh Toadette, I'm so sorry you hate me! I don't know what I did, but I want you to know that I'm sorry forever and ever and ever and ever and-"
"Can it!" Toadette snapped. "I don't want your love! I want..."
Toad furrowed a nonexistent eyebrow.
"I want..."
Peach practically tore Mario's mustache off.
"I want..."
The world held its breath.
"WALUIGI!! TAKE ME AWAY!!" She screamed to the sky.
Mario barfed his guts into the bush, narrowly missing the princess as she jumped backwards. In all the commotion, E. Gadd appeared from behind the next bush over. (You see, there's a lot of bushes.)
And before anyone knew it, a giant purple laser shot through the air like a whistling bullet, lighting up the whole field and striking Toadette like in that epic movie I can't remember. Everyone stared in shocked speechlessness.
She fell frozen to the ground.
Toad gasped. "Oh! Toadette... Toadette, someone's shot you! Don't be dead! You can't be dead!"
"I'm not dead, silly!!" She suddenly exclaimed, sitting up like a resuscitated person. Shaking her head, she squinted at him. "Oh... I feel like I've had the most peculiar dream!"
Toad ran across to her under the magic starlight, and he pulled her up. In that very toadstooly way, they joined hands and jumped up and down.
"Oh, Toad, I'm so happy and I don't know why!"
"Me too!"
Discreetly in the darkness of the bushes, E. Gadd lowered his crossbow and chuckled like a mastermind. I'm not sure how that differs from an evil laugh, but we'll just roll with it.
"Oh, Toadette, so do you still want to watch stars with me?" Toad asked.
"Of course! And Toad... did you really sing to me that song? Did you mean it?"
"Of course I did!" he replied. "Toads never lie!"

Blue Toad: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Toadette was so beside herself that she suddenly grabbed Toad by the vest and planted a big smooch on his cheek. In that moment all seemed to fall well with the world.
"Aww," Peach sighed from the bush. "Isn't it wonderful? It worked out happily after all!"
"Yeah... It's like watching a four-year-old romance," Mario said weirdly. "Except... it's only thanks to the professor. We didn't seem to get anywhere with them! Our match didn't even work!"
"Well... perhaps it is difficult to play Cupid," Peach thought aloud. "We had the right ship, we just... couldn't do it ourselves. I guess these things are better left alone." She gave him a rueful grin.
Mario turned thoughtful. "Yeah... although it was a lot of fun to play love doctor!" he said. "And watching a movie behind a couch... and... spying secretly..."
"And sneaking out under the stars," Peach added, turning to him. "It was a lot fun... actually."
"Yeah... a great Valentine's Day," Mario nodded. "We had a good plan..."
Peach nodded slowly. "Right... I had a nice day too."
Mario was beginning to lean closer. "And it turned out just perfect..."
"So maybe it wasn't a waste," Peach whispered back.
"Absolutely not," Mario replied.
"Mario..."
His eyes fluttered closed, only a breath away. "Yes..."
"We should stop this... before... we..."
BWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRPPPP!!
The most fantastical air horn that you've never heard suddenly sounded through the night air, piercing their eardrums and sending them scrambling up like decapitated chickens.

Random Invisible Audience Member: OH COME ON!!

And who else should be standing there but Blue Toad.
And E. Gadd, and Daisy, and Luigi, who had magically decided to show up at the worst possible moment.
Standing up in an instant and trying to act totally cool, Mario and Peach succeeded in winning the Most Awkward Moment of the Year Award.
"Whoa, hey hey hey hey hey!" Blue Toad scolded. "No PDA!"
"Uhhh... PDA?" Mario asked.
"Public displays of affection," Blue Toad clarified. "And I think you were about to just-! You were, weren't you? You were going to just-!"
"Just nothing," Mario replied with that annoying denial. "You have no idea what we're doing!"
"Yeah, well, need I remind you, princess, that he just barfed moments ago," Blue Toad added to her.
Mario glared at him. "How do you know?"
"I'm the critic of this episode, remember?" Blue Toad said.
Peach somehow maintained her royal gaze. "When did you all get here?"
"Oh, well Luigi and I just got back from a little walk," Daisy replied. "You know, I invited him on a stroll."
"And I had a totally normal Valentine's Day eating junk food in front of my tv," Blue Toad added.
"Yes, and I just perfected the Romanticizer!" E. Gadd exclaimed. "In case you didn't notice. I shot the girl and now they're just relaxing in the starlight! Your toadstool troubles should be no more."
"Yeah... so I saw," Peach said. "Happily ever after... I suppose."
Then everyone stood around awkwardly for like half an hour (which was really like ten seconds).
"So... how was your date?" Peach finally asked.
E. Gadd stared like a hypnotized chicken (let's just say that EVERYTHING is like a chicken today) and slapped his forehead. "Criminy! I totally forgot!" Spinning around like an idiot, he turned tail and ran for the hills. "I'm the worst date ever!!"
Coincidentally, he happened to leave the Romanticizer behind.
Mario stared at it. "Dumb thing," he said. "Dangerous in the hands of smart people, catastrophic in the hands of idiots. Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do." Then he grabbed it and went behind a bush. There was a satisfying crunch sound.

Blue Toad: And so the shipping calamity of the Mushroom Kingdom is no more.

Yellow Toad: Hallelujah!

Wario: Wait... does this mean no more Game of Thrones??

Blue Toad: WARIO, you nutjob! This entire issue was your fault anyway, you really think we're going to risk that getting back into your hands?

Daisy and Luigi stood around in confusion. "So wait. You spent your day doing what?" she asked.
"None of your business!" Mario and Peach replied in unison.

Waluigi: Alright! I think I'm finally ready to acknowledge Toadette!

Mario: Wait, what?

Wario: BWAHAHAA!! So you finally came around, huh?

Waluigi: Shut your trap! It's just for Valentine's Day.

Toadette: What's this about me?

Waluigi: Oh, it's you. So, yeah, I guess I accept your invitation to be my valentine... or whatever.

Toadette: ... What? Ew!

Waluigi: Oh come on, you can't pretend like you weren't crazy over me for a while there!

Toadette: Ew! That's all I have to say, sir, ew!

Waluigi:  But you-! And the-! Oh, COME ON!!! Does the whole world conspire against me?!?

Wario: Yes. Now let's go pig out on those chocolate hearts you can get by the dozen in the convenience store.

Waluigi: What?

Wario: Well what else do you think the true meaning of Valentine's Day is?

Mario: To eat twinkies!

Yoshi: Exactly!

Mario: Hey, where have you been, Yoshi?

Yoshi: At my house, eating twinkies.

E. Gadd: You youngsters of today are so odd and crude!

Toad: AHH!! It's the old guy!

Toadette: Wait a second... isn't this all HIS fault?

Luigi: Theoretically, yes.

E. Gadd: ... Shoot.

Toadette: You better run, old man.

Annnd there you go, a Valentine's Day special just in time! I don't really know what happened, I just cannot write a short story to save my life...
But anyway! I know that many of you are probably aware of my current busyness and my planned hiatus from Wattpad, which may result in slower updates from me. I intend to still read and interact where I can, but yeah... probably slower updates. I also want to try to focus a bit more on my other novel, which I feel like I've been neglecting lately... you understand.
So from here on out, I'm not sure. I do have the next few episodes planned already (don't I sound so professional) and I really think you guys will like them (I'll be honest, I'm quite excited). So things may be slower... but at least here I am now.
And also, have a Happy Valentine's Day! Get lots of candy and nums 🍭

Enjoy yourself some twinkies, watch out for shippers, and stay Crazy!

Stay tuned ;)

~NintendoJedi