Once upon a wah, in a faraway land, there lived a guy who got punched. This had repercussions such as you cannot currently imagine. But it was very stupid, and for that reason I shall tell you the tale.

Waluigi: Alright! This story sounds great! It actually looks cool for once!

Peach: Uhm...

Toadette: Typical for you to say something like that, meanie.

Wario: Can I just say that I am also actually excited for this?

Daisy: I wonder why.

Mario: *sits there with a very disturbed look on his face*

One Mushroom Kingdom day, Princess Peach sat at her throne in the long conference room of her castle, looking through some papers whose contents I will tell you in the next sentence. They were notes and boring schedules from Nintendo concerning the Mushroom Kingdom's schedule and other such blah that I don't really understand. The point is, boring paperwork.
Now because this was a typical day, most of the other goons and foobs were hanging around the castle doing the most dangerous thing possible: being themselves. Diddy Kong was hanging from a chandelier thirty feet up by his tail (no one could figure out how he got there), DK and a multitude of toads were standing below him shouting random things unhelpfully, Yoshi and a bunch of shy guys were playing a violent game of hockey in the halls, and Luigi was watching from the 'sidelines'. Wario and Waluigi were standing nearby gabbing it up like schoolchildren about some tv show.
"Did you see the last episode of The Grodus Chronicles? That final space battle was so epic!!" Wario gushed.
"Yeah, and Lord Crump's awesome duel with Captain Cortez! Remember his new move?" Waluigi said giddily.
"Uh, duh, how could I not?" Wario snorted. "It was like, Vader Bomb!!"
"And then he went, like..." Waluigi stepped away to do some nerdy reenactment. "Backwards Falcon PUNCH!!"
Now at that time Mario meanwhile had been sent on a small errand by the princess to go get an important notebook from the library. And at this exact moment he happened to be on his way back, coming around the corner towards the hockey hall.
So then came the promised titular name breaker of the story.

Donkey Kong: Boy, that was fast.

NintendoJedi: Well what else do you think these people came here for?

Wario: Hey! I came to actually see some brutal violent action! You have to SAY it!

Toadette: *covers eyes* Oh dear...

Well, I'll let you put two and two together... or should I say flying fist and face.
Now, I'm not sure of the exact dictionary definition of 'kisser'. But due to his violent fanboy stupidity, I'm fairly certain Waluigi back-fisted Mario there.
There was instantly a very loud Hollywood punch sound as the unsuspecting Mario was clobbered in the face and toppled backwards, hitting the deck. (Except in this case we just mean the floor, not an actual deck.) He collapsed very fashionably and it was all over in about two seconds.
Then the entire hockey hallway game froze, and the crickets struck up their wing orchestra.
Then Wario pointed to Waluigi.
And some toad gasped terribly.
And Waluigi knew his life was over.

Waluigi: Hey, that is not true at all!

NintendoJedi: *sigh* Sadly, you're right.

Waluigi turned and gasped when he saw what he had done. "Oh my gosh, I... I..."
"You... you..." Toad babbled.
"Um... hey, Plumb Dumb," Waluigi said, poking him with a foot. Upon getting nothing, he glanced at Wario and crept closer.
"I mean, uh, Mario. Come on, get up, man! You're fine... no big deal, right?"
Still nothing. Then Wario slowly turned to him. "Waluigi, this means... THAT WAS AWESOME!!"
Waluigi slapped him away. "SHHH!! We have to do something about it!"
By that time everyone within the hallway had gathered at the scene.

Mario: You mean CRIMEscene.

NintendoJedi: Be quiet Mario, you're out.

"Mario??" Yoshi gasped.
Luigi quickly pushed a way through the sea of shy guys and toads to sink to the floor and gasp horribly. "What did you do?!"
"I was just-"
"I don't have time for this," Luigi snapped. "Mario, can you hear me?"
Waluigi rolled his eyes. "No, I'm really pretty sure he can't," he muttered under his breath.
"It was just a punch to the face," Wario said. "I'm sure he's fine."
"Oh yeah, cause he totally looks fine," Blue Toad said, observing Luigi grab his limp arm and try pulling his carcass up. But of course, Mario was totally out of it.
"Come on bro, come on," Luigi said, lightly slapping his face. Wario sighed and meandered away, bored.
Then a toad bystander gasped. "Is that BLOOD?"
"SHRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!" Wario was completely mowed over as a hoard of squealing toads and shy guys stampeded down the hall, flooding down the staircases and past the chandelier where Diddy was. Daisy happened to be standing at the railing, trying to reach out for him. At the oncoming hoard's mercy, she was bumped into from behind by a particularly heavy toad and just like that, slipped over the railing. Hardly anyone noticed when she flew out and grabbed onto the chandelier for dear life, hanging at least thirty feet up. Diddy glanced over from beneath her.
"Sup," he said.
Daisy, exasperated, shrugged. "Hangin."

Peach was sorting through papers when Toad burst into the conference room. "Princess, Diddy and Daisy are hanging from a chandelier, and Mario got knocked out and he's all bloody!"
Peach put down her papers. And she put her head in her hand. And she didn't come out for a real long time.

NintendoJedi: Hey, welcome to Crazy Mario Land.

A little while later, after Luigi had managed to get Mario's floppy useless self to a couch and helped Peach clean him up, he began to come around. Waluigi hung around in the background like some expectant parent.

Waluigi: The expectant parent of a punch.

Someone had finally gotten a ladder for Daisy and Diddy, and now everyone stood around talking in hushed tones like they were at some show. At first there had been concerns to call a doctor, but Luigi soon determined that a knockout probably wouldn't require such drastic measures until they were suspicious of a concussion.
When Mario first stirred, Luigi was watching beside him.
"Uhhhh... Luigi? What's going on?" He mumbled.
"Uh... you uh... you were knocked out," he said carefully. "You've been out cold for about half an hour. I've been watching over you."
Mario frowned. "Knocked out?"
"Yeah, um... how does your head feel?"
"Uggh... pretty awful, now that you mention it," he moaned. "What in the...?"
"I did it," Waluigi suddenly announced, stepping forward. "It was me. You were passing by in the hallway and I uh... accidentally hit you in the head."
"But we took care of it and you look good, bro," Luigi put in. "Really, I can hardly tell."
The others standing around nodded their agreement.
Waluigi laughed nervously. "Whoops. Well I guess I'm stronger than I thought."
Nobody was impressed.
Mario was silent for a second as he thought about all this. Then, slowly getting himself up, he stared at Waluigi.
"How could you make me lose half an hour of my valuable life?! Can you even comprehend how important my time is?? I guess not, since you're never half this busy! And who do you think you are, punching Super Mario? Bruce Lee? I'M Bruce Lee!!"
"Uhh... do you think he's alright?" Peach asked a few of the others.
Luigi nodded. "Oh yeah, he seems about right."

When the bros got home later that day, deciding to call it quits for the craziness, they went about their ordinary evening business. Which was: forcing Luigi to make some exotic Italian dinner, watching tv, eating dinner, lying around on the couch, watching football, stuffing Mario's face with snacks, and watching more tv. Mario seemed to be perfectly fine, since he was up to the task of keeping up with the television.
Luigi had kept an eye on him, and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. When they called it quits for the day, Mario took some ice and nothing more was said of it.
They were planning to head back to the castle tomorrow for an important kingdom meeting about more relatively boring stuff, as the princess had asked them to be there to confirm schedules and other boring stuff. So they headed to bed earlyish to get there bright and earlyish in the morning.
But of course, I'm sure you know that things don't work this nicely in reality.
When Mario shook him awake the following day, Luigi was in for a quite literally nasty surprise.
"Come on Weegie, rise and -
"Alright, alright, I've risen," Luigi mumbled, waving him off. "You don't have to make me feeeeeeeeeeeeelohmygosh!"
Mario gave him an odd look. "What?"
"Y-you... aaaaaaaaaaahhhh," Luigi babbled like an idiot. "H-have you looked at your face?"
Mario cocked an eyebrow. "No, of course not! I don't know if you ever realized this, but YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN YOUR OWN FACE. Only pictures and reflections. Because that's physically impossible."
"Uuhhhh..." Luigi breathed.
"Although, technically I can see a good deal of my nose. And my eyebrows if I frown. And my mustache. And my mouth if I try hard enough. Oh, but then I saw my whole self when I was using double cherries, so ha! Take that, physics!"
"Umm... Mario I just meant look in a mirror," Luigi said carefully, shuddering.
Then Mario frowned. "What? What are you saying? That I'm ugly?! Is that it? Well guess who shares all my DNA, buster?!"
"No, Mario! Look!" Luigi said, jumping up and pushing him to the mirror.
Mario looked up and stumbled to a halt, staring at his REFLECTION and freezing like a suddenly expectant parent.
"AAAHH!!"
Luigi gulped and slowly came forward, surprised that he was taking it so well. For now I will stop beating around the tanooki tree and tell you what was wrong with Mario's face.

Mario: If you had said that in any other context you'd be dead.

NintendoJedi: Message received.

The 'mishap' from yesterday had turned into a vibrant display, appearing overnight like an enormous, fantastic explosion of colors across Mario's face. The bruising extended from one cheekbone through the eye and up to his eyebrow, not only giving the allusion that he was wearing weird eyeshadow, but clearly sporting a terrible black eye. The 'stay outta my way' kind.
Mario had the expression to match it too.
"You can 'hardly tell', huh, bro?" He seethed, turning to Luigi angrily. Luigi almost shrank under his intimidating gaze.
"No, it was not like that yesterday, I swear!" he cried. Creeping closer, he grimaced. "Oh wow, that's really bad, bro! You look like you've been in an awful fist fight!"
Mario brightened up. "Really? Do I look cool?"
Luigi made a weird face. "Uh... well I guess it kinda makes you look tough," he offered. "In a gross sort of way."
He carefully reached out a hand and before they knew it he was probing all over Mario's face a little too much for comfort. Meanwhile Mario was busy fantasizing about his new identity.
"I can say - ow - I got it in a terrible fight! Ow. In which - ow - I was the victor, of course. Ow. Or maybe - ow - I should get a motorcycle!"
"Um, Mario, you already have some motorbikes," Luigi said. "Isn't that the same thing?"
"Oh. Well - ow - maybe I should ride them more! Ow."
"Does that hurt?" Luigi wanted to know, basically pushing on his bone.
"Yes it hurts you nincompoop! Stop it already!" He yelled, slapping his hand away. "It hurts just about every way I move. Even when I smile," he said, touching his face testily. "Come on, we better get moving."
"But don't you want to... put something on it?" Luigi asked in surprise.
"Like what?" Mario snorted. "FYI, I'm not a princess. It's not like I have a huge medicine cabinet full of makeup."
Luigi just studied him with a sickening look for a while. And he put his face in his hands. And he didn't come out for a real long time.

And so, shortly after Luigi and his new brother set out on the roads of Toad Town to the castle. Just about everyone they passed knew them, and in passing it quickly got a bit concerning.
"Hey there, Mari - oh! My word, what happened to your eye?!" A toadette lady asked, horrified.
"Heh, just an accident," Luigi said. "You know how he is."
She shook her head. "Well all you reckless young scamps better be careful, or it might be more than your face that ends up bruised next time!"
"What? Mario's got a black eye?" A toad asked loudly, coming over.
"Woah! Check it! Hey Mario, did you get in a fight?"
"That looks awesome!"
"You're the bomb, dude!"
"Wicked, man! So who'd you beat up?" A blue toad asked.
"No, he didn't beat up anyone," another interjected. "I heard he got punched!"
"Yeah, by Waluigi!" A yellow Toad threw in.
Surprised and surrounded, they turned in circles. "How does everyone know this already?" Mario asked in exasperation.
Luigi groaned. "You know people and their rumors. They spread like wildfire."
"I did not get beaten up," Mario clarified quickly. "I'm fine."
"Does it hurt?"
"What did Waluigi do?"
"Okay, I'm done here," Mario said, pushing his way through the quickly-forming throng. Attention could really suck sometimes.
Well, as expected, they ran into about twenty more people along the way, some gasping in horror or approval, others already having heard what happened. Mario wasn't really sure how to feel by the time they finally arrived at the castle.
"You know... this reminds me of that time in high school when you punched me on accident."
Luigi gasped and covered his ears. "I thought I told you never to bring that up!"
"How you managed that is still quite an enigma," Mario mused.
Meanwhile they had come into the castle and headed to the big conference room, where Peach, Toadsworth, and a few others were already gathering. As soon as Mario entered the room, there was an almost universal hush as he came and took a seat. Of course, everyone had heard what happened, and naturally everyone was staring at him.
Peach was the first to react. Rushing over to him, she gasped, "Oh my goodness Mario, your eye!"
"Heheh, yeah," he said bashfully. "Just a bit of bruises that came out later, I guess."
"Oh my, it looks terrible!" Peach exclaimed. "Are you alright?"
"Oh, I'm-a just peachy, princess," Mario replied, none the worse. "Why don't we just get this started?"
Still shooting disturbed looks in his direction, she headed back to her place and started going over business as planned. But it soon became obvious that hardly anyone was listening due to staring at Mario's face wound. He just smiled at anyone he saw.
Just when they were getting to the wonderfully exciting topic of the exchange rate, the doors suddenly burst open rudely and Bowser walked in.
"Guess who??" He announced. All the other toads in the room instantly took to the hills.
"Sorry if I'm interrupting your little speech here, Peachy. I'm just on a schedule, you know?"
"Bowser! Why are you here?" Mario scolded. "Do we have Kart racing scheduled for today?"
Peach glanced at her papers. "Uh, no, if we did I would have mentioned that," she said.
But Bowser was staring at Mario like he'd seen something uglier than himself.

Bowser: HEY! I am very good looking and I know it!

Everyone: *snorts*

Bowser Jr: Well I want to be just like him when I grow up.

Mario: Yet another headache on my list.

"Ugh, Mario, what did you eat?" Bowser said in disgust. "You look more ugly than usual!"
Mario stared at a quivering Luigi for a second before replying. "Well I could say the same to you."
But Bowser hardly heard him. "No, I mean really. You look awful. Like, someone should seriously consider giving you plastic surgery."
Mario stood up and growled the way he did when he was angry. Not the way he did when he was happy.
"Alright, listen!" He began. But Bowser didn't know the meaning of that word. Fortunately for him he never had a personal fairy.
"Alright, but all joking aside, that thing looks terrible. I almost don't want to fight you, you look so poor and pathetic."
Mario did not like the sound of that.
"Shut your big mouth!" He snapped. But Bowser was already on his way out.
"Yeah, uh, I'd love to stay, but it's not a real victory if I'm fighting an injured sap. I'll come for ya in a few days, princess," he promised.
Mario was near to rage. "You get back here you big brute!"
"Nah," he said casually. "I don't wanna hurt your poor little head even more. But hey, now I can tell everyone I did that to you and totally destroy your reputation!"
"Yeah, that's really gonna happen," Mario retorted. But Bowser was already gone.
Peach and Toadsworth slowly turned back to the shocked Mario. For a second he just stood there looking lost.

Mario: A great conundrum of the heart it is, not to lose, but to be refused by one's closest enemy.

NintendoJedi: That's lovely, Mario.

"Well, I must agree you look in no condition to fight," Toadsworth finally said. "Master Mario, if I may, might I provide you with some sort of concealment for that unsightly abrasion?"

Wario: And from this moment forth we wonder where Toadsworth got the makeup from.

Mario sagged. "Yeah."
"My, you kids of today. I do try to tell you not to be so rough and tumble, but no one listens to old toads..."
"It wasn't his fault," Peach said. "He was just doing a favor for me and Waluigi got him with some tv show martial arts."
Toadsworth shrugged. "Well, perhaps that's what I was talking about!"
"Well, I guess that's one way to break up a meeting," Peach sighed. "Oh yeah, Mario, just a quick reminder. Tournament at the Castle Club tomorrow morning, if you're interested...?"

Blue Toad: Welcome all you fellas and gals, to the 18th annual World Tour Forest Cup! I'm your whispery announcer guy, Blue Toad, and this is the second straight hour of nonstop golf! Now we go back to Waluigi at the 14th hole, the Sand Clogger.

Waluigi took up his driver and studied the ball carefully. He had landed in one of the several bunkers surrounding the green, and his chances honestly didn't look any more promising this shot than they had the last. But nobody even seemed to care.

Blue Toad: *whispering into microphone * And the golfer prepares to take a stroke. He's aiming to get near the hole for a sink in next turn so he can stay on par.

"Oh, Waluigi, you're totally gonna win this tournament!" A birdo nearby gushed.
"Yeah, you're only two points behind, so you totally got this!" A koopa agreed.
"And if you don't come in first, the winner will back down so you won't punch 'em!" Wario put in, clearly enjoying himself.
Waluigi snorted. "Yeah," he agreed, hardly hearing what they were saying but sure that it was great anyway.

Blue Toad: *still whispering * And now he appears to be drinking in the cheap praise of his surrounding bystanders. Let's hope they don't distract his shot...

Until a rather rude voice interrupted his happy daydream.
"Well, look who it is," Mario said, a little edgy as he and Luigi approached the green. (It had been two days since the accident when they'd last seen Waluigi, in case you weren't keeping dates.)

Blue Toad: *whispering* And now two strange hairy guys have appeared on the course, almost directly blocking the man's shot!

Waluigi turned to them with a proud air, as if they smelled of something foul. "Oh. Mario," he said casually. "Wondered when you'd show up."
Mario glanced at Luigi quizzically. "Um... yeah, I decided not to play today."
"Too bad. Though I can't say I blame you. Couldn't stand another beating from the Purple Menace, huh?"
Mario stared at him like he'd grown a second head.

Mario: If he had grown a second head, he would have been smarter.

A koopa nearby snorted. "Yeah, what'd you come for this time, Mario?" he asked snootily. "To insult his mom?"
Mario frowned but it soon turned into a rather awkward stare since he found that it was actually quite painful. "What?"
"Oh, yeah," Waluigi spoke up. "They heard about everything. You know, what you said and all. I didn't want to have to get violent with you, ya know, but I can't let people talk about my father that way." Wario fist bumped him in a way that probably came off as epic.
Mario . (You might think I left a word out of that sentence, but I didn't: it speaks for itself. Mario literally did nothing.)
Luigi was more down to earth. "What? Talk about your father what way?"
"Oh, don't play coy," a birdo snorted. "We all know how your brother was trash talking Waluigi's dad behind his back."
"Yeah, you really got what was coming to you, huh, SUPER Mario?" A goomba laughed. The others chuckled in agreement.
Mario looked sort of like a lost puppy.

Mario: I do NOT get compared to puppies!!

Wario: Well you should have seen yourself!

Mario: THATS PHYSICALLY IMP-

Let's just get on with the story. Looking around at Waluigi's sudden 'in-crowd' of adoring fans, Mario suddenly began to get a very bad feeling. Waluigi was NEVER popular. Not even when he played drums in high school. (He quit after 2 days, FYI.)
"So how's the face, Mario?" Wario wanted to know. "Still smarts like it did a couple days ago?"
Mario would have responded if he'd gotten a chance.
"Yeah, nice makeup," a koopa added. At this point they were just being a bunch of jerks.

Blue Toad: *whispers* And now they seem to have broken into a discussion of the latest cosmetic fads!

"It doesn't do the whole job, though," Waluigi said. "Let me give you some Halloween advice: if you want to look like a more freshly-risen zombie, do more of the pale skin tones."
"Ooooooo," the whole crowd gasped like an annoying sitcom audience. Angrily, Mario stepped forward.
"Alright, listen up, beanpole-
"Ah, careful," Waluigi warned, just as Mario was about to grab his arm and probably do something actually painful. "You don't want me to have to give you ANOTHER black eye, now do you?"
"Hey, it might match well for a loser like you," Wario put in. "I'd been meaning to compliment your nice shiner there but couldn't bring myself to your shabby doorstep."
"Hey, our doorstep is not shabby!" Luigi cried. "I planted those snapdragons myself! And it's way nicer than yours!"
"Alright, alright, let's leave the little brother out of this," Waluigi said, pushing them aside. "It'd be really bad if we had to call you the Super Black-eyed Bros."

Daisy: You have no idea how bad that sounds.

The adoring crowd laughed anyway.
Mario, on the boiling point, caught Waluigi's arm. "Can I talk to you over there?" he seethed.
"Oh, looks like he wants to talk," Waluigi announced, amused. "Okay Mario, just be careful what you say! Hey Darlene, why don't you go get everyone some sodas?" he suggested to a koopa nearby. She winked and blew a kiss. The whole troop paraded off after her.

Blue Toad: *whispers* And now Waluigi and the hairy loser are talking to each other in heated whispers! What will happen?!

When they were alone, Mario whirled on him. "What the heck?!"
Waluigi sighed. "Look, man, I didn't mean to punch you. At least not that hard."
Mario crossed his arms and stared at him from stony eyes.
"But now that everyone thinks you insulted my dad-
"Yeah, about that!" Mario interrupted. "Care to explain?"
"Uhhhh... well ya see, Wario started some rumor that I hit you on purpose, and before I know it, the whole town thinks that I punched you because you were insulting my dad. I really didn't intend it to happen that way!"
"Mm hmm," Mario said, looking mighty stormy. "I've never even MET YOUR DAD!!"
"Yeah, that's what makes the story so great," Waluigi said.
Mario snapped his mouth shut and growled like an angry puppy. For a second he couldn't think of anything to say.

Mario: Stop it with the PUPPY!!!

"Alright, well that's enough! You're making me look bad!" He scolded.
Waluigi snorted. "So?"
Mario looked very burdened as he tried to vent his anger without frowning somehow. "So! I'm Super Mario! You can't ruin my reputation with a stupid story like that! How do you think it looks for you, a nobody, to beat up me, being all good looking?"
"Alright, pause there," Waluigi said. "If you were good looking, you're not anymore. Also, it makes me seem awesome!"
"Well, I don't care!" Mario hissed. "Quit making me look like an idiot! Put a stop to it now."
"I didn't even start it! How am I supposed to do that?"
"By getting out there and telling those foolish people that I didn't insult your dad, you hit me on accident, and that I am not wearing makeup!"
"But you are."
"Shut up! It's special for acne. Which I never had, by the way. Luigi made me do it!" He accused. "But anyway, call it all off right now!"
Waluigi glanced back up at his 'friends', heading back towards them now. Then he turned back to Mario.
"No."
"What did you say?"
"No. Look Mario, I just can't! This is my one chance to be famous... to be popular! For the first time ever, people actually like me and think I'm cool!"
"Because you beat the famous Super Mario to a pulp?"
"Well... yeah! Look, sorry, but I can't give that up. I'll uh... see you around."
Then he turned and headed back to his friends.

Blue Toad: *whispers* Now Waluigi is returning to his golf club, with a soda in hand. Let's hope he can really pay attention and focus on this shot now, because a bogey would not do very good at all for his final scorecard at the moment.

Waluigi: Would you be quiet already!

Luigi joined Mario's side and looked at him questioningly. He had this bothered look on his face.
"What's the matter, constipated?" Luigi asked.
Mario didn't reply. Then a hammer bro from Waluigi's crowd yelled over to them. "Lookin' good Mario! Hopefully you'll learn to keep your mouth shut next time!"
Mario looked almost faint. Then he slumped onto Luigi's shoulder and sobbed.

An hour later at their house, he was still sobbing. He had been rolling around on the couch miserably, feeling like his life was ruined for quite awhile when there was a weird sound on their doorstep.
"Mario, can you get that?" Luigi called. "I'm in the bathroom."
"TMI, Luigi," Mario moaned as he made his way there. The way he'd been wallowing made him currently look like he had, in fact, been in a tussle. But when he opened the door, no one was there. Instead, it was a weird electronic blimp-looking thing, like they advertise on kids' tv channels. Hanging from it was a note on a string.
Weirded out, Mario glanced around outside, but still didn't see anyone. Taking the piece of paper, he read it carefully.

If you want to solve your problem meet me outside the dumpster at ten o clock.

"That is strangely cryptic," Mario said aloud. He turned the paper over.

Bring pork rinds.

Mario stared at nothing for a while. Then he slowly closed the door as the blimp floated away down the street.
"Who was it?" Luigi asked, coming over.
"Uh, donut salesman," Mario replied, hiding the note. "I told him I'm not hungry."
Now Luigi was really concerned.

The clock had just struck ten that night when Mario crept out of bed and grabbed his hat stealthily. Avoiding the creaky floorboard, he hit Luigi with a pillow once to make sure he was asleep, then snuck out into the yard.
On his way he picked up a bag of pork rinds he'd insisted on leaving by the back door (creeping Luigi out further).
Sure enough, out by the dumpster was a short, fat figure in a robe.
Approaching carefully, Mario called out. "Um, hello?"
"So you came. I knew it. Did you bring my pork rinds?"
Mario chucked the bag at him and it hit his head, busting open and sending a few all over the ground.
"What on earth do YOU want?" Mario asked, a little impatiently. Throwing back his hood, Wario grinned like an animal and stepped forward.
"I want to help get Waluigi a loser again," he said simply, picking up pork rinds.
Mario crossed his arms. "And why would you do that? Isn't this all your fault to begin with?"
"Well, yeah, but I didn't intend it to go this far."
"And I didn't intend to have a little brother," Mario snarked back. "What are you playing?"
"Look, ever since Waluigi got popular, he's kind of been ignoring me," Wario said. "I mean, it's actually kind of making me look lame."
"Join the club."
"But look, unlike you, I know how to fix this!" Wario insisted.
Mario raised an unimpressed eyebrow. "I'm listening."
"Okay. I don't know if you ever noticed this, but Waluigi is kind of an... idiot."
"You don't say."
"Look, my point is, he would never actually dare to punch you like that on purpose," Wario went on. "So if you were to go to the golf course tomorrow and mess with him..."
"He wouldn't actually punch me no matter what I said," Mario realized aloud, a wonderful waterfall of light bulbs showering over him. "Of course! And then he'd be forced to tell everyone that he's a phony!"
"Yeah. And I'd get my friend back!" Wario said. Mario turned to him.
"Well lardlump, I can't believe I'm saying this, but you're a... little bit smart."
"Thanks. Now help me ditch the light bulbs before someone sees."

The next afternoon, bright and early, the Castle Club lobby was near to bursting with golfers and their friends discussing after-game junk. Most of the gang was there, but Waluigi was kind of separated by his huge adoring crowd. When Mario and Luigi walked in, Blue Toad passed by with a microphone.
"Oh, hey guys," he whispered. "The others are over there."
They looked at him oddly. "What's that?"
"Oh, sorry," Blue Toad said. "All this golf commentating is messing up my communication skills."
Heading over to the group of pathetically adoring people surrounding the Purple Menace, Mario and Luigi didn't go long unnoticed. Wario was standing nearby too, waiting to give Mario 'the signal'.
"Hey, look who it is," a snobby koopa announced. "Black-and-Blue Brozo over here!"

Daisy: Alright, now I don't think ANY brain cells went into that one.

Waluigi looked up from telling some dumb story about his childhood hamster. Adjusting the crimson rose tucked in his overalls, he turned and sniffed like he was the king of Arroganceville.
"Oh, hello, Mario," he said. "You're looking well, I see. Well, as well as you can be," he added smugly. "Come by for golf today?"
Wario jumped up behind him silently, mouthing and screaming inaudible words like a maniac. (That was the signal, FYI.) Luigi noticed him and just stared at him with only a slight bit of concern.
Mario stepped forward, not about to waste time. "Nah, I just came to insult your mother," he challenged. "I saw her picture the other day. Has she always looked that old?"
There was a huge stage gasp as everyone stared at Waluigi, and it became obvious that some major cockfight was about to go down in nincompoop corner.
"Why you... What did I tell you, plumber?" Waluigi asked warningly. "You better watch yourself real good."
At their raised voices the entire building instantly became hushed, and Yoshi, Birdo, Peach and Daisy and just about everybody who was nearby came quickly at the commotion.
"What's going on?" Yoshi asked.
"I don't know," Peach said worriedly, stretching to see over people's heads.
"It's about to get real ugly in here," Birdo said.
Daisy shook her head. "Oh boy."
"Well why should I care, when I've already got one?" Mario was saying sassily. "I'll still look better than yo' mama!"
"Ooooooooh," the whole crowd kept going over and over. "He made a yo' mama crack!" A toad yelled.
"Alright, stop it right there!" Waluigi commanded. "Don't make me do it again..."
But Mario seemed to be almost begging for the raised fist that Waluigi was threatening. "Oh, so would you prefer a different topic, then?"
A koopa gasped. "He's gonna insult your dad!"
"What? Your dad? Now why would I do that?" Mario asked in shock. "I PITY your dad, having a family like you!"
Gasps. (Just mentally insert them after every sentence.)
"Why you little...!" Waluigi was clearly at the boiling point now. He actually looked mad enough to slug somebody. Almost. For just a second Mario glanced at Wario, wondering too late if this had possibly all been a setup to just get him actually beat up on purpose in front of a billion people.

Wario: Aw, that would have been genius.

Mario: I hate to say so, but it would have.

Waluigi was standing there like an idiot with his hand upraised, ready to strike. Mario stood there, staring challengingly. A small circle had formed, and the bystanders were beginning to chant.
"Punch him, punch him, punch him..."
Luigi gasped in terror. "Mario what are you doing? Are you nuts?!"
Mario completely ignored him. "Bring it, beanpole!"
Peach and Yoshi, who had managed to make a path in the crowd, wrestled to get closer. When they saw what was happening Peach gasped. "Wh-what!?"
"FISTFIGHT!!" A random hammer bro hollered gleefully.
And so the calmest place in the Mushroom Kingdom (aka, the country club) became the cage of war.
"Bro!" Luigi cried over the noise. "Stop it now! I don't want to think what he could do to you!"
"Please," Mario snorted. "You should be worried about him!"
It was only then that the logic began to dawn on the man in green.
"Look on him your last, Mario," Waluigi announced. "Cause I'm about to knock you outta his line of sight!"

Daisy: As the official critic of the faux battle, I say that's the lamest punchline ever.

Waluigi: I was improvising!!

Waluigi raised his fist. Mario stood firm. The crowd held its breath...
And then five seconds passed. And then somebody burped loudly.
And the main koopa who was egging everything on stepped forward. "Uh, dude, what's wrong? Why aren't you punching him?"
Waluigi sighed and finally began to lower his arm. "I don't... I can't," he said glumly.
"Why not?" asked a clearly disappointed goomba.
"Ah, look, everyone," he began. "I... I didn't punch Mario for insulting my dad."
"Then what'd you punch him for?" The koopa wanted to know.
Waluigi sighed. "It was an accident. Mario never did anything."
"But... you mean it was all just a dumb mistake?!"
"What do you mean, an accident!?" People demanded. If they weren't careful there could be some uprisings.
"I hit him on accident, okay!? He was walking right behind me just when I was doing this awesome move of Lord Crump's from the Grodus Chronicles, you know, that one where he stands like this and does that backwards Falcon Punch!"
Everyone stared at him like he was a weirdo.
Wario laughed and stepped into the circle. "Well, there's just some harmless fanboy play for ya," he said, pushing Waluigi aside. "Sorry for all this confusion," he added, turning to Princess Peach.
She blinked and stared. "I... I'm confused."
"I think some bored neighborhood delinquents started some sort of rebellion against Mario by establishing a new gang with Waluigi as its head. What they didn't factor in was Waluigi's cheaty, wimpy nature," Yoshi explained.
"Hey, I COULD have punched him!" Waluigi declared, unwilling to let it go just yet.
"Yeah, but you didn't," Mario said. "And that's why Waluigi doesn't belong in Super Smash Brothers."
Waluigi gave him a death stare.
Princess Peach and Yoshi came forward as the disappointed crowd began to disband, slowly and quietly dropping out one by one. With Waluigi's company fast thinning, Wario slapped his back.
"Alright, now that's over, let's play golf!"
Waluigi turned to the sky. "Why? Why????!! My one moment of fame, gone forever!!"
"Hey now Wal, don't sweat it," Wario assured him. "Now we can get back to causing mayhem! You know, like the good old days?"
"Which good old days?" He asked warily.
"Oh, you know. A couple days ago. Last week. And the rest of our lives before that?"
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I agree," Daisy spoke up. "Waluigi actually being adored like that was getting disturbing."
Meanwhile, Peach, Yoshi and Luigi had gathered around the victorious Mario.
"I can't believe you actually did that," Yoshi said. "You're really brave, Mario!"
"Ha," Luigi said. "I think there's a fine line between bravery and recklessness."
"Oh, yes," Peach said. "You must be more careful, Mario! You might have gotten a matching black eye!" She gently touched his face around the still greatly substantial swelling. "Does it still hurt bad?"
"Heheh, oh, yeah, but it's alright-"
He was cut off when she laid a soft kiss on his bruised eye, earning a jaw drop of disapproval from Waluigi in the back. "That is so not fair!"
Looking around fitfully, he spotted a golf ball sitting on the ground a few feet away and went over. With a leggy kick, he sent it flying, where it quickly sailed through the air and hit... well, it hit Mario in the batteries.
Time froze for a couple of seconds as everyone stared at Waluigi. Wario came over and nodded in approval.
"Okay, we did good work, Mario," he said amiably. "But I gotta admit, that was pretty funny."
"Nnnnnnnnngggghhhhh," he replied, grabbing Luigi's arm and cutting off his circulation. Stamping a foot, he doubled over.
"M-Mario, are you okay-
"No I am not!"
Luigi winced and glared at them. "I can almost feel that!"
Wario shrugged. "Well I guess Waluigi can hurt someone in anger after all."
"Nnmmm hmmmmm," Mario whimpered from the floor.

NintendoJedi: Well, there you go. What do you think, Waluigi?

Waluigi: Well, I think parts of it were preposterous, but I do gotta love the ending. I finally got the last laugh.

NintendoJedi: ...Yeah, we're done here.

My word... I am so sorry about how long that was, first off. These things need time to develop.
So yeah, a crazy idea that quickly escalated, with a title that speaks for itself... don't ask me about that one. I just hope you enjoyed it ;)
Man, there were so many references I can't even go into them all.
Of course I should mention that Lord Crump and Captain Cortez were ol' enemies from Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door, and the Grodus Chronicles was a call back to them, in turn, from Super Paper Mario. I think there were probably a couple of other cryptic hints to those and other games as well... I'll let you find them all. Double cherries, of course, are from Super Mario 3D World. And I believe 'Plumb Dumb' was an old nickname used by Bowser, back from one of the old cartoons. Correct me if I'm wrong. And for all you old-school fans, the 'Bruce Lee' thing was a callback from Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars. Oh, and the Castle Club is from Mario Golf: World Tour. And then the conference room scene is vaguely reminiscent of another Mario and Luigi game...
Anyway! Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for more!

NintendoJedi