Before we get started I'd like to formally apologize. For everything.
That is all.

NintendoJedi: Well guys, I have a show for y'all today.

Wario: Alright, who's getting murdered?

Peach: ...
...If I recall correctly the only person who's been murdered in this book is you.

Wario: Wah?

Waluigi: Wah.

NintendoJedi: ...Well... it's a show!

Yoshi: Oh boy, I don't like the sound of this.

Toad: Oh, I do! Me me me me me!

NintendoJedi: Sorry, Toad. We did mental screenings, and you only made a minor part in this production.

Daisy: Production?

NintendoJedi: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. We're doing something special today.

Waluigi: Special?

NintendoJedi: No, not really. Just something Crazy. Have fun! *snaps fingers, creating a giant poofsplosion of smoke that sends them all hurling back to their reality*

WARIO THE EXPLORER™️

*insert goofy music here*
(Chorus of toads singing, lead by Wario) "Wah Wah Wah Wah Wario the Explorer!! 🎶With Waluigi too to keep things shakin!!
WE DON'T NEED YOUR HELP
BECAUSE WERE TOUGH GUYS!
GO AWAY!
GET LOST!
WE DONT KNOW THE WAA-AAAY!! (Aw yeh!)
WAH WAH WAH WARIO
WAH WAH WAH WARIO
WARIO THE EXPLORER!!!

...

One Mushroom Kingdom Day, in Crazy Mario Land, the grass was green and buff like it was on steroids, the flowers were spinning like they were high, and the birds were so colorful they must've been on acid.
Oh dang, dang. This is a kid's book WE SHOULD PROBABLY TONE DOWN THE DRUG REFERENCES

Toad: Well to be fair, it kinda is like that.

Yoshi: ...I don't know whether to be agreeable or concerned that you know this.

So it was a lovely cartoonish day here, in Crazy Mario Land. Welcome, by the way. Did I say this place is Crazy Mario Land and you are welcome here??
Zooming in through the shrubbery in the outskirts of town, in the admittedly danker, grosser suburbs, we come upon a random front yard. Here, a fat guy is lying on his gut underneath the mailbox, flicking ants on an ant pile out of existence with a bendy straw.
And this, my dudes, is the protagonist.
Wario jerked his head up like a kid caught in the candy bowl. "Oh hai. Wario be my name, Wah-ing be my game!" he said to no one in the visible vicinity.
(This is the part where he would ask for your name, but he is too self-centered to care.)
The ants from the ant pile spoke up too. "Hey, we're ants! We were too poor to find good real estate and got stuck on this lousy property because our queen unexpectedly died due to being crushed by the mailman—
"Alright, nobody cares about your tragedies," Wario interrupted, kicking the entire ant pile and scattering the whole colony to the wind. He stood up and stared down the road.
...
"WAAAAAAHHH!!" Out of nowhere a dashing guy with limbs that put the lanky in planky came hurling down out of an overhanging tree. He splatted face first on the ground, hitting his head and probably getting a concussion in the process.
He jerked up real quick. "HAI WARIO!! WHATCHA DOIN TODAY??... Wah."
"Oh look, it's Waluigi!!" Wario pointed at the guy two feet in front of him.
Waluigi crossed his arms. "I asked you a question!!" he hollered.
"Oh, yeah. I'm just wahtching the mailbox for any mail to appear," Wario explained. "But so far we got nothing."
"Ohhhh... I'll wait with you!" Waluigi came and sat on the grass by Wario's feet, where the two promptly began to do nothing.

"HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO TAKE?!" Waluigi shrieked, throwing his hands up dramatically.
Wario waved him off. "Hang on, let's check and see if any mail appeared." So he wahked over and opened the mailbox.
He got nothin.
"HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO TAKE?!" Wario shrieked.
"I think your mailbox is broken, obviously," Waluigi said, crossing his arms.
"Is not! It gave me two coupons for baby powder the other day! So there!"
"Well, it sure does pick inconvenient times to be empty! Waht are you waiting for, anywah?" Waluigi asked.
"Oh, nothing in particular. But I'm hoping for... a pound of deep-fried chocolate garlic cloves," Wario said. A poofy animated thought bubble appeared above his head, displaying said food for your benefit. Unfortunately, because this is a book, you can't see it.
The cloud disappeared. "That's a good wish," Waluigi said exaggeratedly. "But Wario, you can't just sit around hoping for your dreams to happen! You've gotta make them come true!" He waved a hand at the sky dramatically, causing a swirl of sparkles to appear.
Wario jumped up. "You're right, Waluigi! We should go on an epic adventure across the world with absolutely no planning whatsoever!!
...But where would we find chocolate garlic??"
"Hmmm," they said in unison, tapping their chins. Suddenly Waluigi turned to the audience. "I know! Who do we ask for help when we don't know which way to go?"
There was an awkward moment of silence as Wario and Waluigi stood at the edge of the yard, staring into space past the street. Wario blinked a couple of times. Then Waluigi blinked too.
At that moment Toadette walked by, being unfortunate enough to be passing through the neighborhood. Doing a double take, she spotted the two zombie-like cartoon goons and quickened her pace in concern. "...Can I help you two?" She asked at last.
They didn't move a muscle. "Go away," Wario said from the corner of his mouth. "We're trying to find the garlic."
Toadette wasted no time doing as they asked.
After about 5 minutes 47 seconds of waiting, Waluigi turned back to Wario. "I don't think this is going to work, actually."
"Waht is?" Wario asked. "You think no knowledgeable audience member is going to tell us what we need to know from the other side of that screen?"
Waluigi shook his head. "No. Which is really weird, because I guess I really expected a talking map or something to come out and tell us where to go."
At that Wario jerked up. "Wait a minute, Wal, you're a not-idiot!"
"Thanks," Waluigi said happily. "Waht did I do?"
"That reminds me — we aren't cavemen! We have technology!!" Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his cellphone, punched his query into the GPS, and they had their directions in two seconds.
"Wario," it said in a mechanical voice that sounded terrifyingly like his mother. "The nearest chocolate garlic is in the Generic Golden Pyramid. All you need to do to get there is go through Yoshi's Garden, over Mushroom Bridge, and then you'll reach the Generic Pyramid!"
Wario looked up at the nothing. "Did you hear that? Where do we need to go??"
There was another two minutes of awkward silence as you proceeded to say nothing, though you probably screamed it mentally.
Waluigi turned to him again. "I still don't think that's going to work."
"ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!!" Wario yelled, throwing up his hands. "WE'RE GOING TO THE GENERIC PYRAMID, SHEESH! WHATS IT TAKE FOR A GUY TO GET A LITTLE HELP AROUND HERE??"
Waluigi grabbed the phone and looked at it. "Okay... so we just need to find this Yoshi's Garden." He pointed in the Up direction. "That way!"
Wario blinked at him. "Wah?"
Waluigi looked again. He pointed down the road. "That way!"
Wario pumped his fists. "Woo! On the road!!"
Alright guys, play this song for the next part of the adventure! (Oh yes, we have a soundtrack!)

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

Wario and Waluigi ran out into the road, skipping and whooping like hungry night owls or something. Without warning Wario started singing very loudly so the whole neighborhood could hear (which, as you probably don't recall, is full of toads who like refined classical music). "🎶Come on, dynamo🎵!! — That's the Italian word for 'let's go'," he whispered loudly over his shoulder to someone.

Mario: Enough! I cannot stand to hear my native language butchered any longer!!

Luigi: Mario he only said one word.

Mario: That was two words too many!!

Wario was still singing, swinging his arms wildly. "🎵EVERYBODY LET'S GO🎶!!"
"Come on let's get to it! I know that we won't screw it!" Waluigi did a cartwheel as he followed Wario down a small hill.
Or, no, that's what he was supposed to do. He actually hit a small rock, tripped over his endless legs and face planted on the street, but that doesn't matter.
Then a car came driving up the road, spewing a stirring rendition of 'Stayin Alive' so loud it couldn't see the foob lying in the road.
Thus did the Purple Menace meet his true end.

Daisy: On a terrible spoof episode of Dora the Explorer?? Man, maybe it's darker than I remembered.

NintendoJedi: No he's not dead I'm just joking!!

"WAAAAAHHH!" Waluigi yelled as the car drove right over his ankles.
"Oh no!! Waluigi got a boo-boo!" Wario yelled, pointing for everyone to see.
The car (which was more of a baby go-kart, btw) screeched to a stop, revealing Toad to be the driver. "Oh no!! I just hit an innocent man!! I—
He stopped when he looked down and saw Waluigi rolling around on the ground pathetically, moaning like he was having indigestion.
"Oh, it was just Waluigi. Never mind." Toad turned back to restart his engine.
"Wah?! Wait, you little moldy tree growth!
...Tell me where Yoshi's Garden is!" Wario demanded, letting Waluigi keep rolling pitifully.
Toad put on some shades and scooted them down so he could raise his nonexistent eyebrows at him. "Seriously? Why would you wanna go there?"
"None of your little moldy business!"

NintendoJedi: Ahem. Uh, pardon the interruption, but this is supposed to be kids programming. The protagonist needs to be polite.

Wario: GO MAKE YOUR OWN KIDS' PROGRAMMING!!

NintendoJedi: I also hold your fake paycheck.

Wario's eyes popped. "Oh right. Uh, can you please tell me where to find the garden? My friend and I really need it so we can get to a place to steal something totally legally," he said politely.
Toad gave him a look of disgusted disbelief that I wish I could reproduce. "Yeah, I don't know what drug you're on, but it's just down the road. Can't miss it," Toad replied. Then he shoved up his shades and slowly inched his car forward, allowing himself time to stare them down on the roadside for several more seconds. 
Then he waved like a toddler. "Bye!"
Wario came to stand in the road again as Toad drove off. "Well, That didn't go as expected. Wahtever. Waluigi, waht are you laying around for?? Get up, honestly!" he said, kicking his foot.
After a brief moment of walking and shaking off an ankle fracture later, Wario and Waluigi arrived at the fabled Yoshi Garden Of Legend. It spread out before them in the grass like a decent-sized plot of produce that your mother might have planted in your backyard.
There they found Yoshi, digging among some tomato plants, aka gardening. Daisy was also there working, helping him transplant some sunflowers that day.
Wario stopped and snorted. "Waht is this, the National Tree Huggers Convention??"
"It looks like an agricultural factory for smart magicians to provide the sustenance of mankind," Waluigi said in awe.
"Shutup Waluigi, nobody asked you," Wario said.
...
Since the whole garden was a rather large plot surrounded by a fence, it would have been much easier to walk through it than taking a long, grueling half-mile walk around it. So naturally, they did what anyone would do and walked up to the gate.
"Hey! Smart magicians! Can we walk in your food factory??" Waluigi shouted.
Yoshi looked up. Oh sugarplums, he cursed mentally, because cursing is not allowed on this show. "Uh, why? What are you doing here??"
"None of your little green business!" Waluigi replied. "Now let us walk on your plants or we'll walk on your plants!"
Yoshi came over from his digging to cross his arms at the fence. "Yeah look pals, this is my garden. And maybe I let someone walk all over me, but nobody walks all over my garden."

Mario: He's talking about me :)

Yoshi: 😒

"Too bad! We have to find a classified object and the whiny voice in Wario's phone says we go through your garden! So step aside!" Waluigi replied.
Yoshi narrowed his eyes. "Don't care."
Waluigi shrugged. "Okay." He turned as if to leave.
The next millisecond, which everyone missed because it was too quick, Waluigi swung around, knocking the gate clean over with one of his leftover TV show nerd superkicks. It flattened Yoshi momentarily, giving the goons the moment they needed.
"Now's our chance! Run, lardlump!" he shouted, kicking Wario's rear into action.
"Wah! You have to warn people when you're about to launch a secret plan!" Wario yelled, rocketing into the garden after him. As foretold by the great prophet Waluigi, they promptly started crushing tomatoes, wrecking sunflowers, and shredding lettuce underfoot in their mad dash for the opposite gate.
"Woah, is this what it feels like for the Super Stupid Bros to have adventures all the time?? I need to get me some more of those!" Waluigi said, kicking an entire head of lettuce into the air. It went sailing backwards and landed very improbably right on Wario's head, taking him out. He faceplanted in a pile of... fertilizer.
"Wah! Wario, waht are you laying around for??" Waluigi yelled.
At that moment Yoshi recovered from his brief paperizing under the garden gate. Pointing, he shouted, "Theives! Bandits! Murderers! Stop them!!"
It was unapparent who he was talking to until Daisy appeared on the opposite end with an anti-foob facial expression and a bucket of green liquid.
Waluigi's eyes popped. "Uh oh, hot and angry princess at 6 o'clock!"
Wario sat up. "What's this got to do with the time?"
"How am I supposed to know, that's just what people say when someone is incoming!! Step on it!"
On the contrary, however, Daisy wasn't incoming. She just stood there blocking the gate while Wario and Waluigi ran and jumped and ducked and flailed and whatnot, dodging Yoshi's bullets.

Mario: Whoa, looks like someone IS getting murdered!

NintendoJedi: ITS JUST A FIGURE OF SPEECH. GET WITH IT.

Yoshi: They're tomatoes.

Anywah, the tomato bullets were incoming at their heels (literally), threatening to trip them up and stop them forever from their garlic dreams. Fortunately Wario had an idea.
"Quick! We need to keep jumping over the tomatoes! What's the Italian word for jump??"
Waluigi dodged a stray melon the size of his head. "Why?"
"Because I have to repeat it over and over to help us jump better!" Wario said. "Duh!"
Waluigi thought. "Uh, don't record me on this, but I think it's 'salsa'!"

Mario: NO NO NO!!

"Perfect! Salsa, Waluigi!! Salsa!!! SALSAAAAAA—"
I'm sorry.
So they went salsaing through the garden, somehow avoiding the tomatoes that were ironically making real salsa at their feet. All too soon they reached Daisy blocking the gate to freedom.
"Halt in the name of me," she commanded.
Waluigi screeched to a stop.
Wario didn't, and kept running until he tripped on a root, faceplanting at her feet. Daisy held up the bucket.
"What are you foobs doing here? Speak quickly or he gets the dubious liquid," she demanded.
"Come on, Daisy Mae," Waluigi said, adjusting his hat as if he was cool. "We're just tryin to pass through to do a little... questing."
"Give me one good reason to let you through," she scowled. "And call me that again and you get a taste of my heels."
"I'm just wahking here, sheesh. I don't mean to ruin your pansies or wahtever. Let us through and we'll be good. ...Deal?"
Daisy glared down at him skeptically for about 4 seconds, then sighed and waved him through. "Get out this instant or I'll let Yoshi pull out his blueberry bazooka."
"Alright, we're going!" Grabbing Wario's foot, he dragged him through the gate while Daisy watched disapprovingly. Putting her fists on her hips, she said loudly, "The day you two grow up, I'll move to Subcon." Turning back to see Yoshi walking over, she asked, "Well, how's the damage?"
"Uhh... mostly nonexistent, if you're talking about the fence," he said. "It's everything inside the fence that's the problem."
Daisy sighed at him. "Look, I know how tempting it is to chuck everything in your vicinity at those foobs, but what are we supposed to do with all this salsa now?"
Waluigi's head popped over the fence. "DID SOMEONE SUGGEST A NACHO PARTY—?"
Daisy whirled in anger, hurled a rock, and directly took him out. He flopped back to the ground.
"We need to chuck all the evidence. I'll eat it," Yoshi offered.
Daisy gave him a disbelieving look.
"...I was talking about the food, not the foobs!" he defended quickly.
"Pity," Daisy muttered.

Approximately 30 minutes and another concussion later...

Wario and Waluigi sat up in the grass, sporting headbumps like hat racks. "Wah... I feel like I've just infiltrated an enemy base... and then got shot at like in the First World War!" Wario groaned.
Waluigi got up. "Waht about the Second World War?" he asked.
"That one hasn't happened yet!!" Wario thwacked him like an idiot.
"Well excuse me for being an idiot. Which I'm not," Waluigi replied, squinting ahead. "Speaking of, why don't we get moving? I see someone over there by the road. Maybe it's an idiot we can swindle into giving us free money."
"Great idea, Waluigi!" Wario said. "Come on. I mean, dynamo." 

Mario: *cringes internally and externally*

Wario: Oh come on, grow up. It's just a word.

Mario: No it's not!

Luigi: But Mario, dynamo is a word in English.

Mario: You're just making that up to sound smart! What on earth is a dynamo??

Luigi: ...Oh Mario, please don't let your naivety show now.

Anywah, Wario and Waluigi soon came upon a large patch of flower beds past the garden gates, where a huge assortment of outrageously colored mushrooms and flowers were growing like... weeds. Sitting there among all of them on the ground was none other than Mario and Peach, out enjoying the day.
When Wario saw them he stopped and pointed. "Hey! Waht are you doing with my girlfriend, jerk??" he yelled.
Waluigi whispered, "Uh, I don't think that's your girlfriend."
"Yes she is! This is my TV show, I can make whoever my girlfriend that I want!"
Luckily, Mario and Peach didn't hear him because they were too busy being absorbed in a nice little flower world. Because this is the Mushroom Kingdom, not Crazy Mario Land or anything.
Peach was showing him all the flowers that were growing and picking some, while Mario mostly just ate mushrooms. As he does.
"Look, this is a snapdragon. Oh, I love these! You can squeeze their necks like this, and it makes the flowers open up like a dragon's mouth, see?" She said, demonstrating.
Mario looked. "It looks like Bowser's mouth when he's spewing fire," he observed. "Or chewing on someone's bones."
Peach gave him a look. "Thank you Mario, for ruining the flower for me."
He giggled. "Oops."

Bowser: WHAT?! I feel like I should be offended but I don't know what happened.

Mario: Nobody asked you, Bowser!!

At that moment Wario and Waluigi walked up, blocking the sun and hovering over them like vultures. Mario looked up at them, completely unimpressed.
"Can I help you?"
"Yes, you can. Tell us where the Generic Pyramid is or I wreck all your flowers," Wario said.
Waluigi frowned. "But Wario, we know how to find it already. Remember?" He said, pointing at the phone.
"Well how am I supposed to know?? You're the one with the map, don't ask me!"
"Um... what are you two doing?" Peach asked.
"Classified. Now," Wario said, turning to an empty void of nothing to stare back into space. "Where do we go next?"
It went silent again as the invisible audience did not conveniently answer his life question. Wario blinked a couple times. Waluigi blinked too.
Peach grabbed Mario's arm. "Mario, I'm scared," she said.
Mario stood up. "Alright, are you all gonna stop acting like freakish roadside vultures, or am I gonna have to bust some kneecaps?" he asked.
Wario gasped. "Mario! This show is rated EC," he scolded.
Mario crossed his arms. "No, I'm pretty sure it's rated E10+," he said.
"Look, it doesn't matter," Peach interrupted. "Why don't you just—
"WHAT, ARE YOU DOING, IN MY GARDEN??" Daisy hollered, stampeding over like a deranged ogre.
Waluigi tapped his chin. "I dunno. Why are we still here, again?"
In her blistering fury Daisy trampled all over the snapdragons that Mario and Peach had been looking at.
"And there goes that," Peach sighed.
Daisy put her hands on her hips, but that did not mean she was any less calm. "I TOLD YOU TO VACATE THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY OR YOU WOULD GET THE HEELS OF STEEL!!" She chewed them out. (The foobs, not Mario and Peach.)
"Alright, alright, We're going!! Wah!!" Wario grabbed Waluigi's overalls and yanked him along while Daisy continued shooting dirty stares after them.
"Honestly, I don't know how you deal with the pests anymore! They're relentless on plants this time of year!" She marveled.
"Interesting," Mario mused, looking at all the flowers she crushed in her wrath.

While we leave the normal people to deal with their normal domestic problems, let's rejoin the wannabe stars of the Early Childhood Entertainment channel.
Wario and Waluigi were running down the street again.
"🎵COME ON, DYNAMO!! EVERYBODY LET'S GO🎶!!"
"Come on let's get to it! I know that we won't screw it!" Waluigi did another failed cartwheel down a small hill, tripped and broke another bone, yada yada singing and so forth. After repeating that lovely musical segment which I hope you recall from earlier, they soon reached what is known to good citizens of the kingdom as Mushroom Bridge.
However for this segment, it will be known as the Tedious Walk of a Thousand Bludgeonings. 
Wario and Waluigi gaped at the enormous bridge which stretched over a large river, as it swarmed back and forth with cars.
"Wow. You could get ten concussions here," Waluigi remarked.
"My thoughts exactly," Wario replied. "But, if prime time has taught me anything, it's that the main characters never lose after suffering minor gunshot wounds at worst."

Yoshi: Are you suggesting your fake show is prime time?

Wario: No... your face is prime time!!

Yoshi: ...?

Waluigi shrugged at Wario's assertion. "Pah! Gunshots are what I eat for breakfast. Let's go!" He walked right forward onto the 4-lane road.
I know Mushroom Bridge has a soundtrack, but I think it would be more appropriate to play something more classic for this part.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

Time entered slow motion as they stepped onto the bridge, like someone had just hit one of those cool time-shift inducing switches from Galaxy 2. Instantly the entire surroundings were drained of color, minus Wario and Waluigi.
A huge Mercedes coupe came slicing down the roadway, right into Waluigi's path. Like a boss, he swerved and its hood missed him by centimeters, allowing him to roll epically off the side before landing on his feet to keep running.
Wario jumped as an enormous freight truck barreled towards him, enabling him to grab onto the grill in front. Clinging to its huge shiny Mercedes logo, he lowered himself down beneath the underside of the car and hitched a ride for a few seconds, hanging by his massive upper arm strength. Then he let go, rolled off his back and into a standing position to rejoin Waluigi in the middle of the road.
Here they walked right up the ramp of another truck that was hauling a load full of brand new Mercedes. Climbing to the top, the duo stood epically on the cabin of the vehicle while the toad trucker inside remained blissfully unaware of the Fast and the Furious spoof outside, or whatever this is. At this point they exchanged sunglasses that they suddenly had in their pockets and put them on.
Then they jumped down, sliding like surfer dudes off the windshield of the truck, landing at the other side of the bridge without a single scratch.
Then the truck and car they had originally climbed on only instants before suddenly collided, having lost control due to their awesome execution, and exploded in a brilliant tower of flames behind them.
They didn't even look back as they walked unscathed from the wreckage.
A toad in a car nearby rolled down his window to stare at them. "Aaaahhhh! They are so coooooll!!" he squeaked.

Mercedes-Benz. The best or nothing.

...
Did you think that whole car ad all actually happened?
Good. It's better if it stays that way.
The color and regular time popped back into reality.
"Wow. That was so... not painful," Waluigi said, rubbing his backside.
"Ditto," Wario replied, covering his new headbump with his hat.
At that moment a trio of goombas bedecked with kazoos and harmonicas crossed in front of them, wearing outrageous red outfits that looked like rejects from Barney the Dinosaur or something.
"Is that our victory celebration?" Wario asked. "Talk about low budget! Imma have a word with the director!!"

NintendoJedi: *holds paycheck over boiling pot of water*

Wario: JUST KIDDING!!

Then he jumped up. "Anywah, where to next?"
Waluigi pulled out the phone. "Well, let's see. Yoshi's Garden... check," he pointed. "Mushroom Bridge... check. So all that leaves is..."
"GENERIC PYRAMID!" They yelled together, turning around. Looking up, they suddenly found themselves at the entrance of a great jungle-covered hill, at the top of which a golden structure rose above the trees.
"My sweet babies!! Let's go!" Wario shouted.
"It's time for our song again," Waluigi reminded him.
(Running in grass, butchered Italian line, Screw it, tripped on cartwheel again, yada yada yada, hooray).
Before long Wario and Waluigi had made it to the base of the jungle pyramid. "This reminds me of many things," Wario commented as they stood outside the door.
"It doesn't remind me of anything," Waluigi remarked.
"That's because you don't have experience like me," Wario replied.
"Oh come on, I've been to way more awkward socials than you have," Waluigi defended.
"...I don't see how that's related. Anyway, let's go get those garlics! Come to papa!" Wario stepped into the doorway.
Inside the pyramid it was a big slanted room with numbers all along the walls in a very realistic fashion. A small hole opened to the roof on top, but there was no hope of reaching it.
"We have to get up there," Wario pointed. "The treasure must be at the top!"
"Waht makes you say that?" Waluigi asked.
Wario sighed. "Wal, we've been over this. It's because I have more experience than you! Now throw me to the top!"
"Excuse me? You're going to insult me and then expect me to throw you into the ceiling??" Waluigi asked.
"Well yeah!"
Waluigi crossed his arms. "No wah. Besides, we all know you weigh ten walruses, and there's no way I'm lifting that."
Wario sputtered. "Then waht are we supposed to do?!"
"We could give up like the people who built the leaning tower of Pizza or whatever," Waluigi suggested.
"I don't think they gave up, it collapsed on them," Wario corrected.
"Wahtever. What do we do then?"
"Wait for the pyramid to collapse on us and stand under that tiny hole, obviously," Wario replied.
Just then Waluigi gasped. "Wait! What are those?" He pointed at the numbers on the wall.
"The buttons on a cellphone," Wario replied.
"No no... I think it wants us to do something with our brains with them! Like adding or something!" Waluigi walked over to one wall. "See? There's stones you can push in by these things! I bet it opens a secret staircase!"
"Secret staircase my behind," Wario replied. "You couldn't get me to count numbers to preserve world peace."
Waluigi gave him a look. "Dude."
"Okay, maybe not. But I sure as heck ain't counting right now."
Waluigi groaned. "But Wario! This is the last puzzle! We have to do it and get the goal, or else the viewers think we ripped them off!"
Just then a huge hole was busted through the ceiling above, and in flew a small clown car carrying none other than Bowser Jr.
"Guess who, suckers??!" he yelled, blasting edgy boss music. "Did you really think boring schoolwork was gonna be your final puzzle? No man, you get to fight me instead! Last boss of prime time television!"

Yoshi: I give up.

Wario stared. "The snappy turtle baby who we threw that sick birthday party for?"
"That's snappy turtle MAN to you!" BJ hollered. "I'm a classified age, and therefore you treat me like an adult!!"
Wario looked to the ceiling. "Is this legit?"

NintendoJedi: Look pal, it's either that or you start counting.

Wario came back to earth and shrugged. "Fine by me. Hey Wal, I need you to beat up that kid!"
"Is this still early childhood programming?" he asked.
"Heck yeah! ...I mean, little kids beat each other up all the time, right?" Wario figured.
"Alright!" Waluigi pulled out a tennis racket from his bag of holding. When BJ saw it he snorted.
"What are you gonna do with that, smack me back to where I came from?"
"No," Waluigi replied. "Speaking of which, why are you here? Are you after the garlic too?"
"Garlic? No man! I just came because... uhh... I don't know why I'm here, actually. Just for the evils, I guess. You're trying to exploit something from this generic pyramid here and I'm going to make it hard for you! Now let's dance, leggy boy!" Bowser Jr flipped a lever in his clown car and sent a rain of super harmful bouncy balls into the room. One instantly hit Wario's backside and took him out.
"Oh come on," Waluigi sighed. "I have to do everything myself!"
Dodging the balls like a pro because of his superbly nimble body, he danced around the inside of the pyramid for about two and a half minutes while BJ threw things at him, like baby rattles and inactive grenades.
Waluigi made good use of them by trying to knock them back at Junior with his tennis racket, but his aim was bad and he had little success. Finally Waluigi had it and hurled his racket directly at the clown car. The netting got caught somehow in its propeller, caused a bad engine backfire, and sent the entire thing crashing into a wall.
A generic boss jingle played as Waluigi jumped up and yelled "WAHOOOO!!"
At that second Wario popped awake. "Waht did I miss?!"
"I'm the greatest person alive and I slayed the rotten kid with nothing but my bare hands and ab power," Waluigi informed.
"Yeah right," Wario said.
Waluigi pointed to a groaning Junior in the wall. "Then what's that?"
"...Proof of Bowser's relationship problems," Wario said.
"This show is still rated EC."
"DONT CARE!! I WIN, SO WHERES MY PRIZE??"
The floor, hearing Wario's very humble assertion, suddenly rumbled and a small stone platform began to rise upwards, carrying them towards the hole in the roof.
"Well that was convenient," Waluigi said.
"Of course it was. Protagonists don't have time to deal with the inconveniences of reality." With that, Wario stepped onto the pyramid's small flattened roof. There, sitting before him on a small raised pedestal, was...
A little gold bird statue that was probably worth a thousand coins.
And that was all. No garlic. No chocolate. Not even anything edible to a remotely normal person.
"Aww! What is that?? Are you telling me we came all this way to be gipped?!" Waluigi screeched.
"It would seem so," Wario said rather emotionlessly.
Waluigi went over to the statue and picked it up. "Wow. I really would've expected something like this to be booby trapped. Oh well, I guess our whole trip was for nothing," he shrugged, preparing to flick the statue over the side into the jungle.
"HALT YOUR FLICK-HAPPY FINGERS!! THATS MY PRIZE!!" Wario hollered in disbelief. "Are you a dipwad??"
"Well, that depends on what a dipwad is," Waluigi crossed his arms. "But it sounds like a dumb person's pile of garbage, so I guess not."
"I make decisions like that, not you!" Wario replied, grabbing it from him. "I can get rich with this baby! Oh yeah, we struck gold!"
"But waht about the deep fried garlic?"
"Oh Wal, you simpleton," Wario said assuringly. "Gold is non-edible chocolate!"
Waluigi frowned for a minute, trying to figure out if that makes sense. "But-But..."
"WE WIN!! Game over! Deal with it!" Wario said.
Then the instrument goombas tooted a victory song up through the hole in the roof, because they had been secretly following them like stalkers on the whole adventure and videotaping it to post online.
"So... what now?" Waluigi asked.
"Now we go home and eat chimichangas on our armchairs," Wario said.
Only too bad for them, because just then a small scratching sound was heard, like a hatch opening up. Suddenly the entire roof was surrounded by a dozen klaptraps that had been waiting for the secret mechanism under the Generic statue to be activated.
"...Waluigi." Wario held the statue close.
"Yes."
"...Run," Wario replied.

The End!

Wario: Oh but wait! We have to sing our song first!
"Wah Wah Wah Wah Wario the Explorer!!
We did it, OH YEAH WE DID IT!🎵"
Waluigi: "We wrecked some magicians in the garden of plants, OH WE DID IT!! Yeah!"
Wario: "AND THEN WE DIDN'T GET BEAT UP ACROSS THE BRIDGE BACK IN TOWN, NO WE DIDNT!"
"We didn't! Aw yeh!!"
"AND THEN WE FOUND THE TREASURE AFTER BEATING BOWSERS KID, YEAH WE DID IT!"
"We did it!"
"AW YEHH!!!!"
"WOOOOO!!!"

...

Wario: I don't know about you, but that felt surprisingly fulfilling! We should go on pointless adventures more often!

Waluigi: Yeah! Isn't it weird how we didn't even accomplish what we wanted?

Wario: Yeah. I wonder why...

Wario's phone: Because I lied to you, Wario.

Wario: ??!?

NintendoJedi: Heheh.

Wario: Are you saying that my phone is a secret government agent?

Waluigi: ...So there's no chocolate garlic??

Yoshi: Don't be ridiculous. If you want that you have to get it custom made or something.

Waluigi: Come to think of it I don't even know why I care about chocolate garlic at all. It sounds gross.

Daisy: Chocolate can make everything better. Even the twenty pounds of salsa you plastered all over the place.

Yoshi: The next time I see you, I'm getting you impounded.

Wario: I thought that only applied to cars...?

Yoshi: Try me.

Waluigi: But wait a minute. Didn't we technically get eaten by klaptraps at the end for breaking and entering?

Wario: Don't ruin this for the kids, okay? The point is that I'm a big time celebrity TV Star now and I should get my name on the Hollywood Wahk of Fame or whatever.

NintendoJedi: You do know this is a fake TV show, right? You know what fake means?

Wario: Your face is fake.

NintendoJedi: I'm not gonna answer that.

Bowser: HEY!! My turn to talk!! Who's the dead man that hurt my kid??!?

Waluigi: That was just on the fake TV show, get over it.

Bowser: ....

NintendoJedi: Yeah, uh, even if it was fake, the acting was still, uh, real.

Waluigi: ...

Wario: Waluigi.

Waluigi: Yes.

Wario: ...Run.

Heeeyyooooo
Yay I updated! Even if it was only an average episode!
Once again, I am so sorry for taking so long. I actually don't think I updated once in the entire past schoolyear. Which is weird, because being busy never used to stop me.
But what happens happens, I guess. Luckily, I have devoted this entire month of my summer to writing crackfics, which means if I don't update this book more before it's out, you are entitled to harass me over PM!
I have like, the next ten or so episodes already planned, with some special surprises sprinkled in 😎
And as for this one, pretend you never read/saw it. It's probably better that way.
(Not that I hate Dora the Explorer; the live action movie is actually quite interesting. I just felt like making fun of the old shows I used to watch.)

Go buy a Mercedes, don't beat up other people's kids, and Stay Crazy!

~ NintendoJedi

And while we're here I might as well share this:

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]