WARNING: This episode is like super long for some reason. Yeah.
...Don't know why that needed a warning 'cause it just makes it longer. Oops. So, I hope you find it in your calendars to enjoy!

Yellow Toad: YAY! Another episode!

Blue Toad: And the people rejoiced. That is, those who aren't booing.

Yellow Toad: Booing?

Blue Toad: Yes, those in the act of being a boo and hence, dead people. This book takes forever to update, so I'm sure at least some of our audience is booing by now.

Boo: Did somebody page me?

Yellow Toad: NO BOOING!

Boo: So-rry... Did it ever occur to you that boos enjoy reading too? Why do you have to be so... so... *nonexistent brain shortcircuits* What's the term for a person who's prejudiced against dead people? Don't we have rights??

Blue Toad: ...? What's the term for a person who wastes the author's time when she's actually giving us some?

Toadette: He's right. Every moment of life... AND ghost life... is precious!

Wario: Wow, ya know, that is SO TRUE! I just love myself, you know? Even though sometimes when I get sunburned I look like a burnt chicken nugget, I still love myself.

Blue Toad: ...We're not even 200 words in and I'm already lost.

Yellow Toad: Can we just get on with my Wonderful Life™️??

Daisy: *sigh* Yellow Toad, this isn't about you.

Yellow Toad: *slams random counter* IT NEVER IS!!

Toadette: ...I just know this will be a great episode! I wonder who's going to fall in love!!

NintendoJedi: HOO... Nevermind. Roll tape!

One not-so-Mushroom-Kingdom Day, in outer space somewhere where the Guardians of the Galaxy live, said Guardians were hanging around, doing completely normal stuff. Like, navigating crazy worlds and shooting each other in the chest and stuff. Totally normal stuff and stuff. Cause this isn't Crazy Mario Land or anything.
Leaping over a rock made of some sacred civilization's ruins, a dazzling hot guy aimed a gun at all the bad guys closing in. Then, after socking a nasty space creature in the head with her steel-heeled... heels, a stereotypically gorgeous tough woman who may or may not have been human cartwheeled through the air and landed in a battle pose at Dazzling Hot Guy's back.
Then a weird little non-realistic fictional-looking sidekick creature came scrambling over to them, tripped over his own inadequacy, and struck a non-threatening pose at their feet. Then a giant ship exploded behind them, making them look awesome, but they were too cool to even put on their own sunglasses.
"We are so awesome," said Dazzling Hot Guy, who we're going to call PowerStarLord.
"What he said," said Gorgeous Tough Woman, throwing back her hair like in a Suave commercial.
"YEET!" replied Fictional-Looking Sidekick Creature.
"Now it's time to beat up the bad guys, reclaim the lost artifacts and restore the power of the Grand Stars to the galaxy," PowerStarLord said epically.
"Power me up, baby," replied Gorgeous Tough Woman, flipping her weapon.
"Like a BOSS and not a NOOB!!" screeched Fictional-Looking Sidekick Creature.
Epic music swelled as the three leaned forward, ready to save the Galaxy.
"...Um, excuse me... Not-Noobs? Do you have a second?" a voice asked from somewhere on the side.
The three looked up. "...No."
Just then another giant, gorgeous tough woman in a blue dress like the sky appeared in front of them all, blocking their view. And she was a Guardian of the Galaxy.
"I'm sorry boys, playtime's over," she declared, raising a hand.
"NOO!" The others screamed.
*Switch!* She snapped her fingers.
And all stood in horror as the entire universe cried in agony as it was torn asunder, and every living thing was disintegrated to nothing but pixels.
And the screen went black.
"Nooo!! Game over?!" screeched Luma, throwing down his controller.
"Mama, why??" whined a yellow luma next to him, flopping backwards on a sea of beanbags.
So, like, that GOTG sequence wasn't real, sadly. Surprise.
Lubba (Who is the super fat, super purple luma who is self-conscientious and wears pants), leaned back and crossed his arms. "Well, I may be a responsible adult, but I still think it's demeaning to have my video game cut off right before the super alpha mega bomb rush free-for-all!"
Rosalina, standing in front of the tv in their lounge, rolled her eyes. "Nerd."
"Oh, come on, m'lady! Surely you understand the necessities of being a nerd!" he defended.

Mario: Mama! If I ever got over my inarticulate-ness and wrote books of my own, the first one would be 'The Necessities of Being a Nerd'!

Luigi: The code by which all intelligent beings live.

Mario: *tries to pat Luigi's head, realizes it's hard to reach, and settles for his shoulder*

Toad: Fascinating! What other bestsellers could we expect from you?

Mario: Well, I'd have to iron out some kinks, but probably To Serve Koopa and I Am Not Mayro: The Story Of My Life.

Bowser: Hey, what are you tryin' to say??

Mario: ...Shut up Bowser.

So anyway, with a wave of her hand Rosalina picked up the lumas' game controllers and put them away (because she can use the Force now, apparently).
Oh yeah, so we're on the comet observatory now. Though it's not like that's a really important detail.
"Alright, you can be nerds another time," she said. "You've been playing video games for 6 hours and 39 minutes," she added, observing a magic digital clock that she made appear.
"Pardon, but being a nerd isn't something you turn off," Lubba interjected. "It's a lifestyle."
Like any normal people, they ignored him.
"But mama! We had to save the Galaxy!" Luma argued.
"Oh, Luma," she sighed, picking him up like a sack of marshmallows. "The Galaxy doesn't need saving. Mario already saved it. And you were REBORN saving it, remember?"
"But this is different! You know how many times a year the Galaxy is put at risk? And how many different heroes everywhere are always working to save the world? We're really hanging on by a thread, this universe."
Rosalina looked doubtful. "Uhh... well, you can worry about that another time. It's just a video game. And no one has time for video games, right??"

Everyone on Planet Nintendo: HAHAHA!!

Luma took a deep breath. And he covered his eyes. And he said "You really don't get it, do you Mama."
Rosalina waved him off. "Right now it's time to do something fun together! Come on, why don't we make a snack?"
Luma dropped from her hands like a pound of lard. "Why didn't you say so??!"

2 minutes 37 seconds later, in the kitchen...

Rosalina grabbed her wand. "Alright, all nerds on deck! What do you all want to cook today?"
"Okay. So after analyzing all our options, I think the only correct choice for a snack dish is baked Alaska," Polari said, pacing around with his stubs behind his back.
Another luma looked confused. "You want to eat an entire landmass?"
Polari looked annoyed. "No, it's a dessert! Google it!"
All the other lumas fell silent as the kitchen filled with the sound of their taps on their starphones.
"...Well I still think we should have starbits," Luma replied.
"No, Luma, you can have starbits all the time," Rosalina said, summoning a cookbook down to her from a high shelf. "Maybe something new... let's see... I don't suppose you all want anything with macaroni?"
There was a loud, drawn-out No as every luma soon made clear that noodles get boring after two hundred years.

Mario: Blasphemy!! *faints into a pile of noodles stashed by his bed*

"Hmm... you're right, definitely something refreshing," Rosalina mused, flipping through for a minute and then tossing it aside. "We need something convenient and new!" Sinking onto a stool, she thought for a minute.
Nearby, a pair of lumas were rummaging through her spice cabinet, tossing out a few ingredients as they saw fit.
"Cooking wine," read one. "Nope!" He chucked it over his shoulder, where it bonked another floating luma. Reading the label, she shrugged, popped the cap and started chugging.
Rosalina was too preoccupied to notice the mess they were making. Putting her chin in her hands, she watched as a bottle of suspicious goo flew over her head and smashed through the window.
"Ooh, baking soda!" the luma said, opening a canister. "I've been looking for something cool and refreshing!" He sniffed it and then started eating the powder straight.
"That's it!" Rosalina exclaimed, jumping up. "I've got it! The perfect beverage. Bacon soda!"
The kitchen full of lumas blinked twice.
"Yeah, uh, I'm all for having you cook, mistress, but baking soda's not really a snack," Lubba said where he lounged by the table eating cheese puffs. The luma eating it straight coughed out a cloud of white air from his nonexistent mouth.
"No, no, bacon soda," Rosalina clarified, turning to her cabinets. "It's a drink flavored of bacon! I can't believe no one's attempted it before!"
"Hmm... well it does sound too good to be true," Luma said. "You know, you could make a fortune! Let's do it!"
This is where we would play some cheesy cooking song, but we couldn't come up with a good one, so let's just see what the geniuses in the kitchen come up with!

Kooking with Kids ®️

Rosalina Forced a bowl onto the counter and floated upwards in a circle. "Come my little ones as we all sing a happy little cooking sooong! Merry little voices clear and strong—!"
"Come roll your imaginary sleeves up so that we can pitch innnnn, Whipping stuff up in the kitchen
As we siiiing aloooooong," Luma added, dumping a suspicious liquid in.
"We'll keep stirring without fail, otherwise we'll spoil it!" Lubba added, throwing a spoon across the room and taking out Polari.
A red luma carried over a bottle of unspecified flavors. "Cleaning out the star bit pail, and careful not to boil it!"
"Ohh, you can do a lot when you've got such a handy magic wand to wave," Rosalina continued, sending a shine of stardust into the fridge.
Polari caught the bacon and pulverized it into goo. "And some bacon and some time to save—
"We adore each filthy chore you undertaaaaake," Lubba raised his voice higher than a guy of his stature should have.
"So lumas, even though you're children,
It's such fun to share
this happy cooking sooooooooong!" Rosalina finished, catching the bowl in her arms. "Ah, wasn't this fun?"
Suddenly the stove ignited on fire, sending a blaze reaching momentarily up to the ceiling and nearly frying a baby luma into a supernova.
"Heartily," Polari agreed. (Although he might have said Hardly. Who can say.)
"Hmm... it's almost done," Rosalina said now, setting it down. "It just needs something..."
"I'm thirsty, Mama!" a luma tugged at her skirt. "Alright, Alright, Hang in there," she said, grabbing her wand. "Let me focus. Just a touch of magic...!" She raised her wand over the concoction, but the luma tugged again.
"Mama, hurry!"
"What are you gonna do?" Luma asked.
"The bubbly properties won't be potent enough without a little starburst spell," she said patiently. "It's a tiny bit of rocket science and a lot of Mama's magic."
"But m'lady, something of this caliber has never been attempted before," Lubba cautioned. "You said so yourself... you must beware the sacred properties of liquidized pork!"
"Don't be silly," Rosalina said. "My magic is more dangerous than anything in this kitchen."
"But is it?" One luma whispered to another, waving away Lubba's BO.
Rosalina turned back to her work. After a series of intermittent little spells, she prepared to give it a final dose of her magic soda recipe.
Only too bad for them, cause right as she was raising the wand, a luma in the fridge thought that it would be a good idea to shake a bottle of coke. And that resulted in it exploding and rocketing out of his reach, resulting in it thunking Rosalina in the back, resulting in it hitting her magic at just the wrong moment. (Or the right moment. Whichever way you want to look at it.)
There was a minor explosion as she struck the concoction and it started bubbling real quick.
"Oh... who did that??" She demanded. There was a second of uselessness as every luma in the room pointed at someone else.
Rosalina groaned and turned back to the recipe, which was bubbling like a vat of magic chocolate vomit. "Well, that seems to have worked," she observed. "I guess it's time to try it now!"
"Are you sure that's a good idea, mistress?" Lubba asked. "I mean, it is a shiftily-produced prototype." They all stared at the mixture like a cauldron of witches' brew made of carbon dioxide and murdered pig.
(...Wait a minute.)
She put a hand on her hip. "Yes, Lubba, I'm certain. We've wasted entirely too much of this story already, and its just a drink! Mama does the taste test."
"Oh... Alright, guess I can't argue with that. But if that's some sort of cursed voodoo potion and you end up paralyzed you can't blame me."
Everybody held their breath and watched as Rosalina took a spoon and raised it to certain doom.

Waluigi: Are we supposed to be concerned? Cause like, this entire beverage thing was her idea to begin with.

Wario: Is this what the people in Power Star Trek do in their free time?

Mario: No, this is what the geniuses in the entertainment industry do to find plot fodder. The good ones always risk their life.

Luigi: So sh-should we start placing bets?

Well I mean, is anyone else suspicious that this could turn out not so great?
"This is great!" Rosalina exclaimed, putting the bowl down as the lumas let out a breath of relief. "It's quite desirable... though I still think something's a little off..." She sat down and thought for a minute. "Maybe I could add some—
She was cut off by her own intestinal tract talking just then with its own second opinion. It went something like this: Grrrreeeeenowwweeeggggrrrrrr.
So I bet you never thought you'd hear my impression of Rosalina's stomach.
The lumas stared in disbelief like toddlers at a calculus convention.
"Uh, Mama... do you feel okay?"
"That's funny," Rosalina frowned, rubbing her stomach. "I feel fine, just... different." Everyone glanced at each other meaningfully while Rosalina held her forehead. "Maybe its just— ah—ACHOO!!"
And then, in the most unrealistic and ungraceful motion you've never seen her make, Rosalina sneezed onto the floor and sent a sparkling shockwave rippling through the kitchen.
Every luma was momentarily plastered to the walls under the impact.

Mario: Whatever happened up there, it's got nothing on MY mucus waves.

Luigi: Ain't that the truth... *shivers*

Bowser: Yeah, I'm still redecorating from his last illness!!

Wario: Come on, the space lady can't get sick. That would be so cliche.

NintendoJedi: Go away. We don't do cliche.
Except for when we do.

Rosalina gasped and spun around as she observed the effects of her outburst. There was no mucus, because graceful space queens don't have mucus.
But the alternative wasn't really a whole lot better.
Meanwhile, the lumas around her had peeled themselves up and begun whispering amongst themselves, eyeing her doubtfully. Rosalina didn't notice until the entire place had become hushed like a golf course.
"Um, Mama..."
"I'm sorry, I don't know what that was!" Rosalina exclaimed, rubbing her nose. "I hope it wasn't an allergic reaction."
Luma floated forward. "Uhm, Mama, y-your..."
"Yes, what is it?" she asked in growing skepticism.
"Y-your hair is turning pink!!" Lubba hollered, jumping up and sending cheese puffs everywhere.
"What??" Standing up, she looked doubtfully in the window reflection for a glimpse at her do. It was actually the same as always, minus the strange shade it was now sporting.
Like strawberry ice cream.
"Aahhhh-!!" Rosalina stumbled back and almost crushed Lubba due to being faint. "I haven't been this rosy-headed since second grade... and that was a long time ago," she breathed.
"What could have even caused this!" Luma exclaimed completely deadpan.
"It must have been the potion!" another luma cried.
"Now mistress, I warned you about the dangers of impromptu cooking," Lubba began.
"N-no worries, I'll fix this." Rosalina grabbed her magic wand. "Mama's got everything UNDER contr—
She cut off as she stopped to frown at her wand. "Wait, what? What's the matter?" She raised it again. "Come on you silly thing!" Everyone stared as she gave the stick a smack. "Oh no... oh no!"
"What's wrong, Mama?" A luma asked.
"What is going on... Now my magic's not working!" she cried. "The wand feeds through my power, and without that... nothing!" She paused and gasped. "It's like my power's been drained... I can't even fly!"
Lubba raised his eyebrows and grabbed a smoothie. "Well this developed fast. Some miracle bacon soda, huh?"
Rosalina gave him a look that was the expression of Shut Up. "This isn't a joke. And you know I don't really enjoy walking on the floor," she said. "Heels are actually uncomfortable."
"W-Well what are we gonna do? Mama's gotta get her magic back!" Luma cried.
"Alright everybody, don't panic. It's probably just a minor side effect and it'll wear off. We still better study the soda though," Polari suggested. "It must have some magical properties that somehow reverse the... something or other. ...Would anyone else like to try?"
Lubba smacked him as several hands went up. "Oh yeah, flightless lumas is what everybody needs."
Rosalina groaned and quickly grabbed a bottle. Filling it with soda, she turned to them and said, "I'm going to get help. Anyone want to come?"
"Ooh, you going to the planet surface? I might like to —
"It was a rhetorical question, Lubba," she replied, walking awkwardly out. "The only one I'm actually going to take is Luma."
The lumas traded glances. "I think she's just grouchy 'cause she has to walk now," Luma replied.
"Well, it's her fault for drinking the first random concoction you noobs threw together," Lubba shrugged.
...Isn't it good to catch up with our friends in high places once in a while?

Meanwhile, at our favorite place on not-earth (aka Crazy Mario Land, aka the bros' house)...

It was another Lazy Sunday.
Or at least, it started that way. In this suburb. You know the drill.
"Welcome back to 'We Know Where You Live'!" The TV announced in a doofy voice, opening up onto a talk show set. "Call in with anyone's name and number and we'll tell you where anyone on earth lives, as well as their medical history, credit card information and social security number!! Perfect for ex-lovers, former convicts and that annoying guy who still owes you money from high school!!"
Luigi, parked on the couch while swinging around a yo-yo, made a weird face. "I can't believe this passes for entertainment nowadays. The government has everyone's info? How is this not illegal?"
Mario, lounging close to him, shrugged. "Eh. At least we don't live on earth! Think I can get the dirt on Elvis?"
Luigi blinked. "He's dead Mario."
"I'm not buying it," Mario crossed his arms. "Haven't you noticed that all of the greats die young? They fake their deaths! I'm going to fake my death."
"That's uh... good to know? Too bad you die constantly," Luigi pondered.
"Oh, yeah." They were silent for a minute as they remembered the video games and the fourth wall crumbled down.
Finally Luigi sighed. "Can you please change it?"
Mario flipped the remote, accidentally flung it across the room and landed it in a bowl of goldcheeps many yards away.
"Oops. Well, looks like it's gonna be Mushroom Kingdom's Funniest Home Videos," he shrugged. Luigi rolled his eyes.
"Come on Weegie, lighten up," Mario said, watching some koopa get hit in the groin with a football. "This is serious quality entertainment here."
Luigi was just about to groan again when suddenly their front door swung open violently on its hinge and Toad busted in like a ninja.
Luigi began counting off on his fingers. "Toad! How many times have I told you you're NOT allowed to do that!! Can't you knock? I could've been naked in here!"
"Luigi, you were naked the entire time we were in the womb," Mario spoke up unhelpfully.
"Thanks Mario, that makes me feel better," Luigi said.
"Sorry guys, it's an emergency!" Toad said, marching into their living room. "See I was walking along looking for a decent place to hitchhike—
They scrambled up as Rosalina and Luma suddenly walked in.
"—and I found the Rosalina lady who said she needed some help! So I brought her here!"
Mario and Luigi stared. Rosalina and Luma stared back. Toad stood there smiling at the wall.
Then Luigi kicked off the tv before they started the 'Head, Gut or Groin' guessing segment.
"Uhhhh, no problem, we weren't really busy anyway," Luigi said at last.
"Speak for yourself," Mario replied. "Anyway, long time no see, Rosalina! Uhh... nice haircut!"
Rosalina sighed. "No, that's what I came to see someone about. It's not supposed to be pink!"
"Yeah, it was an accident!" Luma fluttered forward. "One of mama's magic spells kinda went wrong—
"Magic?" Luigi asked. "What exactly happened?"
"Well... Lubba and I were trying to help the Guardians of the Galaxy, and then... nerds and baked Alaska! I mean... a happy little cooking song! And coke explosions! And then mama drank the iffy bacon soda and here we are!"
Rosalina shushed him. "What Luma means to say is, I may have been subjected to a faulty magic spell on a bacon soda recipe."
Mario and Luigi blinked. "Ah, that makes sense," Luigi said. "So you lost your magic powers?"
Rosalina shrugged. "It seems so, for the time being! I was hoping you all might know someone who could help."
Mario frowned. "Wait a minute. What did you say you were trying to make?"
"Bacon soda."
"Bacon soda?? As in soda with a pork flavor???"
"Yes?"
"Aagaghgh," Mario collapsed as his ankles suddenly gave way, leaving him a drooling pile on the floor. Then he sat upright.
"Then there's no time to waste! We have to fix her problem or the great bacon soda famine will persist for another day longer! And by all that is right and good in this world, I am not about to let that happen."
Luigi frowned in confusion. "Mario, you don't even know what you're talking about."
Mario gave him a peeved look. "It's bacon," he said.
Rosalina was skeptical. "Uhhhh... well, if you help me fix this I guess we can keep working on it..."
"YES!" Mario squealed. He proceeded to get up.
Or at least, try to get up; because what Mario did was more like stagger to his knees and cling to the couch like a... dying person.
"What's with you?" Luigi asked.
"I don't know, chronic food addiction disorder," Mario said, crawling up towards the coffee table. "It doesn't matter! This is serious!"
Everyone stood and stared while Mario grabbed the phone. "GET ME THE GOVERNMENT!!"

Halfway across the known universe...

A telephone rang annoyingly on the office desk in a lovely little corner of Nintendo Kyoto Headquarters inc., Japan.
"And I need those new artworks by Tuesday," a completely respectable man in a suit added over his shoulder on his way into his office. "We want something to wow the people, but not something unrealistic!" Finally he turned and picked up the phone, which was spewing the Mario Bros. Theme.
"Miyamoto-San speaking."
Mario blinked. "Wrong government!" he said, then slammed the phone down.
Shigeru Miyamoto hung up and sighed. "I swear, that boy."

Mario picked up his phone again urgently. "Get me the other government!!"
"Please hold..." said a toad's squeaky voice.
Everyone kept standing around while the phone played generic-sounding elevator music which is actually awesome.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

Five seconds later someone picked up.
"Hi, Mario!" Peach said sweetly.
Mario purred for a second before he remembered his mission. "Oh, Princess! It's a huge emergency! Assemble the nincompoops!!"
She gasped. "Sure thing, Mario! Castle gates at four o clock!"

"WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?!" Waluigi hollered at the sky.
Daisy, loitering by the castle gates with a couple of fresh-picked daisies, shrugged. "Another nincompoops assemble. How should I know?"
"Mario will tell us when everyone's here," Peach said, looking out expectantly.
"But it's a real emergency, isn't it?" Yellow Toad asked. "You sounded very serious!"
"Unless it's more churros, I doubt it's going to be immensely groundbreaking," Yoshi commented.
"Can't you have these unexpected emergencies at more convenient times?" Waluigi asked in concern. "I'll die if I miss Scooby Doo!"
"Relax," Mario's voice spoke up suddenly. "No one's going to miss any prime time."
"Mario, that's NOT prime time," Luigi said, walking up next to him.
"Oh, Mario! Well, I think everyone's here," Peach greeted him. "Or at least most of us."
That's when Rosalina and Luma walked up behind them, causing Waluigi to do a double take.
"The magic lady?? Wah is she here??"
Daisy slapped him for being rude. (Or maybe just because it's fun.)
Peach slightly gasped at first sight of her. "Oh my... Rosalina, so good to see you!"
Daisy nodded and stepped forward, looking like she wanted to say something but it never came out.
"Hello, you all... stop looking at my hair," Rosalina said when Toad and Yoshi remained unblinking. "Look, I know this is strange, but I need your help," she began.
"I'll say. Who'd you lose the dare to?" Waluigi asked. Daisy slapped him again.
"No no, this wasn't a dare," Rosalina said, looking at her hair. "It was all a big mistake... there was a magic accident, and I drank this stuff that was affected, and..."
"Bacon soda!!" Mario screeched as she pulled out a bottle of the concoction. His ankles gave again and Luigi narrowly kept him from hitting the ground.
"Oh... So you didn't do it intentionally," Daisy laughed.
"I think it looks rather good, actually!" Peach said. "You look almost like you're going for an anime look!"

Mario: Super Mario Galaxy The Anime! LETS DO IT!

NintendoJedi: Guys, please, please, I'm a busy person already! *takes note*

Waluigi crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. "That's it? Your hair changed color? I'm missing Scooby Doo for this??"
"No, that's not all," Rosalina said. "My magic is gone! Or at least I can't get it to work anymore."
"Oh no," Daisy said. "Is that a big problem?"
"Put simply, yes!" Luma chipped in. "Our station can't operate normally if her magic is gone!"
"What do you mean 'gone'?" Yellow Toad spoke up. "You mean you're just a normal human now?"

Blue Toad: Even with her magic, she was probably the normalest person on this show.

Rosalina sighed and looked down. "I don't know what exactly happened."
Mario nodded. "And so we've gotta help her get back to normal so she can finish making the bacon soda!"
Luigi pinched his nose bridge. "Mario—
Peach nodded. "Of course we'll help! You'll have to tell us about what kind of magic you're talking about. Maybe we can find a cure in the library!" She suggested. "Why don't you all come inside and we'll look?"
Most of the not-foobs nodded. Yoshi glanced around. "Hey, where's Wario? I thought something was a little too pleasant around here."
On cue a panting fat guy came running out of the castle. "Oh good, you're already wrapping up," he observed, fastening his half-on overalls. "I was just taking a dump. What'd I miss?"
"Hopefully not the toilet," Yoshi snickered. Blue and Yellow Toads high-fived at this moment of triumphant humor.
Wario frowned and tucked a newspaper away in his pocket. "I couldn't be late for my four o'clock!" he defended.
Rosalina turned back to the princesses in alarm. Daisy just shrugged. "Yeah, just, uh... we like to pretend they don't exist," she said, patting her hand.

A few minutes later, the group walked into the castle's grand library. It mostly just looked like a library, with an open area and lots of shelves with books and stuff. The instant they got in there the foobs all spread out like moths at a light show.
It only took five seconds for Peach to regret her decision.
"Hey, what's this?" Wario asked, holding up a book that said Isle Delfino Memories.
"Uh that's classified, thank you!!" Peach cried, snatching it from him quickly.
Wario gasped. "Is that your photo album from that stupid vacation you didn't invite us on?? Oh, I've GOTTA get the dirt on that!" He tried to grab it back but the princess sidestepped him.
"It's nothing, I assure you it's nothing," Peach said nervously, holding it close. "Now go away."
Wario grinned sneakily. "Why? You got embarrassing beach photos in there? You got smoochy photos —
That quickly died when Mario punched him solid in the tenderloin. (Humans have those, right?)
"Okay! Let's get to work," Peach announced suddenly. "Now the magic section is right there, if you all want to start looking?"
But before that could go anywhere useful, Rosalina suddenly took a huge breath and unleashed another sneeze that flung people everywhere. There was no warning and no magic sparkles this time, but it was probably safe to say it wasn't normal for her to fling people everywhere.
But I mean, I'm still trying to figure out what we mean by 'normal'.
"Mama mia... I never thought I'd be flung by Rosalina," Mario commented from where he was stuck to a library wall.
Rosalina sniffed. "Oh, excuse me!" She said.
"I'll try," Yellow Toad replied from where he'd been flung into Luigi's backside.
I should probably stop saying flung.
Wario smacked a shelf and got quickly taken out by a dictionary. "Hah! Whoever said books never hurt anyone was CLEARLY never associated with a library!" Waluigi pointed. He picked up the book. "Hey, this looks important! There's gotta be something in this book of... words," he said. Daisy picked herself up and glanced at it.
"Waluigi! That's a dictionary."
"Wow... why did nobody ever tell me these exist?? Now I can look up mean things to say to Luigi next time we fight!"
"Oh goodness... you don't think you're allergic, do you?" Peach asked Rosalina, fixing her hair.
"I considered the possibility," she replied. "I suppose anything's possible."
"Well, I'll check out ailments, I guess," Daisy said, heading for a shelf.
Anywah, everyone spread out and began searching with varying levels of cooperation. I'm sure you can imagine how it went, but it was something like this:
"So wait, what are we looking for?" Blue Toad asked.
"Cases of hair loss in the astronomically inclined," Waluigi said, tapping his chin as he perched on a ladder. He was intently studying the section marked 'aquatic mammals'.
Luigi frowned and shook his head, sorting through some pamphlets. "How do you know it's not in the cooking section? Maybe something about bad recipe combos. I know there's a lot of things you don't want to consume without testing it first."
Peach nodded. "Good idea Luigi, you check there, we'll keep looking for—
"Eh, this is boring," Luigi said suddenly, chucking the papers everywhere and creating a surprisingly big mess on the floor. "I'm talking about something really crazy, like mutant aliens who are trying to take over Rosalina's mind and body for a nefarious purpose! Wouldn't that be crazy? If someone tried to steal the comet observatory or sabotage it from the inside out? How cool and crafty would that be? I think it'd be pretty awesome, right bro?"
Mario paused from his shelf browsing and gave Luigi a strange look. "Uh..."
Meanwhile, Wario was picking through some books near the floor nearby. "Hey, how about Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind?" he suggested.
"This isn't a nerd problem," Rosalina sighed, standing over him. "It's a magic issue!"
"Well maybe I'd have better luck if you would get out of my way!" Wario replied, shooing her. "Sheesh lady, pick up your feet! Check the higher shelves."
Let's just say if looks could kill, Rosalina would be a murderer now.
"I can't," she replied.
Meanwhile the Toads were walking along in a stack, with Yellow Toad on the top doing the book browsing. "Oh, I've got some home remedies!" he said.
"Excellent! What for?" Peach asked.
"...Toadstool softener?" he suggested.
"...uh..."
"Oh yeah, I'm sure a nice BM will really solve all of her hair problems," Mario scoffed, coming over.
Luigi bounced up to them. "You never know. Sometimes problems that don't seem related at first actually are! Like once I had trouble finishing my food, but then I realized all I had to do to make more room was burp!!"
Now guys, I want you to hold on to your eyeballs for this next part.
Then, as if on cue, Princess Peach suddenly let out a huge BELCH that nearly shattered the windows.
And the canon.
The entire library fell silent as a grave.
Wario dropped the book he was holding. "...Did I just miss something?"
The toads all stared. Well, everyone stared, really. You might if you saw your governmental leader burp like that too.
Peach covered her mouth in shock. "Excuse me, I'm so sorry! I have no idea — I mean I've NEVER—
"Well hello princessa," Mario said in awe, suddenly looking her over. "That was impressive!"
Yoshi rolled his eyes. "Of course, Mario finds this attractive."
"Mama mia, that was some serious movement," Luigi observed. "It's almost as bad as the time I ate those chimichangas! Like, I was already full, but I didn't want to waste any food or Mario would grill me, so I had to do it! It was pretty gruesome for a while there."
While everyone made slightly disgusted faces, Mario frowned and turned to his brother. "Luigi, are you feeling alright? It's like you just drank twenty cups of coffee all of the sudden."
"Oh yeah, I'm feeling SUPER! I feel like I've eaten a mega shroom. Gosh, I am just so FULL of energy! We should run a marathon!" He started bouncing up and down. "Wouldn't that be fun? Let's do it! Huh Mario? Huh? Huh?"
Now Yoshi came over. "Okay, I don't know about y'all, but I feel kinda funny about this."
"Of course you do. Barbie here just let out some wind worthy of yours truly!" Wario said, coming over too.
Peach frowned at him. "Excuse me, Barbie??"
He shrugged. "Look doll face, it's your fault for bringing a horse with pink hair to the olympics."
Finally Rosalina came over, joining the frowning party. "What is going on??"
Peach fanned her face and groaned. "I don't know, but boy, I'm HUNGRY all of the sudden! Do we have any turkey legs nearby? Or maybe some steak?"
It's only gonna get weirder from here, guys.
Then, without warning, Mario's legs suddenly stopped working and he staggered forward dramatically, only just managing to catch himself by grabbing the princess around the waist.
"Whoa!" She yelped at this unexpected advance.
Clinging there awkwardly, for a second he tried to pull himself up.
It didn't really work.
Toad whistled awkwardly and looked at the ceiling like there was something interesting up there.
"Hey Brozo, are we interrupting something here??" Wario butted in.
"Heh, whoops! Sorry, princess... I don't know what got into me!" Mario defended as she helped him up.
"It's alright, Mario... do you have any ham?" She asked suddenly. "Pot pie? Baked Alaska?"
Luma jolted up. "Baked Alaska???"
Mario was thoughtful. "Hmm... you know I usually have at least a few pieces of pizza on me—
Everyone stared as he produced a whole slice of pizza from his bag of holding.
Blue Toad shrugged. "Oh look everybody, Mario brought snacks. Good to know."
Peach snatched it and started devouring it in the most un-princessey wolf-like way you can imagine.
Wario raised his eyebrows. "Well, someone let the lioness out of the bag," he muttered.
While the princess shamelessly devoured that in front of them all, Luigi tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I feel like somethings wrong here but I can't quite place it. Doesn't anyone else get that feeling? Don't you get that feeling, bro? Like something's off? Like something weird is in the air? Isn't this exciting? Who else is excited? You know, speaking of, I've been thinking of making Stromboli for dinner. There's this recipe I found lately that I wanna try —
"Luigi!" Mario interrupted finally, grabbing his shoulders like a little child. He looked him seriously in the face. "I really need you... to shut up. Okay? Big help."
Everyone stood around awkwardly again.
"...Oohhhh, I get it. Sure thing. Why are you upset Mario, is something the matter? Why are you—
Mario threw up his hands in defeat and tried to walk away, but his legs failed just then and he was caught by Luigi just before hitting the floor.
"Woah, you should get your knees checked out, bro. Arthritis is very inconvenient at a young age! Not to mention dangerous with the kind of lifestyle you lead! You should find a chiropractor quick. I can look up some recommendations, I think I actually know a couple good ones Toadsworth told me about —
Wario shoved his way in. "Okay, What is WRONG with you people? Well, wronger than usual?"
"I don't know!" Mario replied, trying to get his footing. He couldn't seem to get it this time and opted to hang onto Luigi's arm instead.
"Okay, so let me get this straight," Toad said, swaggering into the group. "Mario's legs suddenly stopped working so he's like a decrepit grandpa, Luigi can't shut up, and the princess is gross like a barbarian now? What's next, Yoshi's gonna meow like Lassie?"
There was a pause as everyone looked at him.
Then Luigi jumped. "That actually doesn't make any sense, because Lassie was a dog, and dogs don't meow. Furthermore, Yoshi is a dinosaur, and even then he doesn't really roar, he just makes weird Yoshi sounds. Kind of like a Pokémon, actually. Speaking of Pokémon—
Mario slapped his hands over Luigi's mouth for everyone's sake. "Speaking of Yoshi... where is he?" he asked.
"I believe he slipped out a minute ago," Rosalina said. Then Mario lost his grip on Luigi and he crashed to the floor like a sack of hammers.
"Hm, I wonder why," Peach said, licking grease straight off her gloves. "Could someone pass me a buffalo wing??"
"Here you are!" Luma handed her a book called Wild Buffalo. Rosalina was so overwhelmed that she facepalmed. "Can someone tell me what is going on," she moaned.
"Aha, I've got it!" Daisy suddenly announced from the corner of the room, where she had been the only one actually doing her job. Everyone watched as she came over studying a book. "I think it's something here in Magical Maladies. ...Uh, here Wario, Hold the book for us," she said, seeing as there was no table nearby.
She attempted to perch the book in Wario's arms so everyone could see (except Wario of course, 'cause he's not important). But as soon as she let go, it bonked to the floor.
"Wario! Firmly grasp it! This is serious!" Daisy scolded. She picked it up and tried again.
"It's not my fault, that thing is heavy!" he retorted.
"Aren't you a tough guy? It's not that heavy!" But the instant she placed it in his arms, he gave way and it crashed to the floor again.
Let's just say this is one of the many reasons Wario still gets mistaken for a moody teenager.
"Are you kidding me? Use your arms!" Daisy yelled.
"I AM! They're not working all the sudden!!" Wario hollered.
"Oh, not you too!" Rosalina snarled.
"Cool, join the club!" Mario said, hanging off Luigi's shoulders.
"No no no, this isn't happening," Wario insisted. "This is pathetic! I'm not weak!"
To prove it, he attempted to flex his arm muscle. He only made it about halfway there before he collapsed in defeat.
"...AAAHHHH!! I'M WEAK!! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME??!"
Just then the library door opened and Toadsworth looked in. "Your highness? Oh, you're ALL here... I thought I heard noises—
He froze.
The place looked like a class of messy kindergarteners had a ball in there, which Waluigi was still doing by swinging around on a sliding ladder like a serendipitous Disney princess. Meanwhile, Mario was keeping his hands glued to Luigi's mouth while staggering for his feet like a drunkard. Nearby an unamused Daisy bashed Wario over the head with a book. "FIRMLY GRASP IT!" She commanded.
Then Peach herself let out a pizza belch to rival any pubescent highschooler.
"Oh my—!" Toadsworth recoiled in something like horror, before Toad popped up and shut the door on him.
"Sorry, we're in the middle of uh... important procedures right now... very dangerous! You can come back later."
At this point, Daisy had it with Wario. Sharing the book with Rosalina, the two began poring over the passage.
"Starburst spells can be used in cooking and elixirs for a variety of effects," Daisy began. "They are rarely dangerous, but can cause unpredictable side effects if used or cast incorrectly. A common but difficult to diagnose 'mistake' caused by magic is Star-Crosser's Illness, which manifests itself in entirely different ways with each individual. The faulty spell targets some one of the subject's most vital strengths or abilities, and often negates or reverses them. Thus, for example, one who is typically calm might find themself inexplicably clumsy. While the nature of the disease varies, it has been known on occasion to be contagious among individuals and manifest in different ways."
Everyone else stood there and stared for a solid 8 seconds.
"So what does that mean?" Wario finally said, picking at his wimpy noodle arms which were actually very buff looking. 
Daisy groaned. "Aren't you paying attention? It means that you all are probably sharing this magic illness!"
Luigi jolted. "Whoa whoa whoa, we're SICK?? I can't be sick, I've got to go grocery shopping tomorrow! And no other place has star candies on sale like they do on Mondays and I have to pick some up immediately or else I miss the morning door busters and then Mario doesn't let me waste any more money on—
Mario covered his mouth. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry about this," he said. "Go on."
Rosalina nodded slowly. "It's true. It would appear that we've developed a contagious strain of Star-Crosser's Illness!"
Peach gasped. "Oh no... you mean we're... star-crossed?" Without waiting for approval, she dug into Mario's bag of holding, pulled out a bag of beef jerky, and started snacking.
Mario blinked in obvious surprise.
"Star crossed? Doesn't that mean like, two people who aren't allowed to be in love?" Wario asked in confusion.
"Not right now it doesn't. It means you people have been messed up by this star spell, and you've gotta fix this mess before it affects ME!" Daisy said.
"Wait... are we sure that everyone has it now?" Peach asked between gulps.
Mario glanced around. "Me, Luigi, Wario, Rosalina, you... what about Luma?"
Everyone turned to find the luma sitting in a corner, flipping through a book called Coffee for Dummies. "What??" he asked.
"Hmm... he doesn't seem to be affected by it," Rosalina observed. "Lumas typically don't get ill. I hope they are resilient, because I sneezed on an entire kitchen full of them back home."

Lubba: Which was an awesomely fun experience.

Everyone traded glances. "What about Yoshi?" Daisy asked suddenly. "Where is he?"
"He walked out a minute ago, remember? I don't know why," Peach replied.
Mario slapped his face. "Oh, Mama mia," he muttered.
"So everyone else is okay then?" Daisy asked, taking charge. "Okay then, let's see... Cures... it doesn't say anything about cures!"
"Oh, I know!" Luigi waved his hand around. "I kinda hate to say this, but I bet Professor Gadd can help us! He always knows how to fix things that are the right balance between magic and science!"
Wario groaned. "Man, that old raisin again? How come every time the Rosalina lady uses magic the town ends up in trouble and we have to consult that dude?"
"Yeah, Rosalina lady," Blue Toad agreed. "If you can't take care of your magic then you shan't be allowed to have any!"
"Oh, stop," Daisy hissed. "Nothing like this has ever happened before."
"What about the time she was Elsa?" Wario asked.
"That wasn't her fault!" Peach said. Then she burped pretty much right on him.
"Okay, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I vote for seeing the professor," Mario spoke up at last. "I'd be surprised if he doesn't have input."
"Depends on what kind of input," Rosalina said. "But I'm willing to give it a try. I wouldn't mind meeting with him again."
"Fine," Wario growled. "But I'm only doing this because I have to! I can't believe this... I feel all shrimpy like Waluigi!"
"Ohh... at least you're not hungry like a wolf!" Peach cried, looking around desperately as if there might be more food.
"Alright, we should get moving. Mario, is there any chance we could take your car?" Daisy asked.
"Why do we ALWAYS have to do that?? It's just because you all like mooching off my Mercedes, isn't it?" he demanded, pulling himself up on Luigi's shoulder.
She sighed. "No Mario, that's not—
She stopped when Waluigi started banging on a window nearby. "Hey numbskull, could you knock that off??"
Wow, is it possible that we could have completely forgotten about Waluigi??

Mario: It isn't really possible, but we can dream.

Waluigi turned and looked at them like he'd seen a tarantula. I don't know exactly what that face is, but it's probably not great.
"What's your problem?" Wario asked, swinging around his useless arms.
Waluigi widened his eyes and jerked to the window, then opened his mouth as if to say something. Nothing came out though, and he ended up just standing there clutching his neck like an idiotic fish.
"...What are we looking at here?" Luigi asked. "I think he's trying to tell us something! It's charades! It must be charades. Ooh, I love that game! You're, uh, a guy choking on food!... No, you're a murderer! Uh... an idiotic fish?"
"What if he isn't acting?" Rosalina asked in alarm.
Waluigi nodded dramatically and beat his chest, then kept wheezing like an old dog.
"Oh dear... has he lost his voice?" Peach asked.
Mario jolted. "Entirely? For real? ...Alright!"
"Hey, I could live with that," Daisy shrugged. "No more Wahs ever again!"
Wario tried to cross his arms, failed, and ultimately did not look cool. "Hey, I can still say Wah, you know. And I'm still not telling you what it means."
Waluigi, in the meantime, was dramatically pointing and jerking out the window, but nobody was paying attention to him anymore. You know, without a voice he was little more than an annoying gnat in the corner.
"Cool, so Waluigi's lost his voice," said Blue Toad. "Get a load of you people! Jumpman can't jump, Waluigi's lost his Wah, Wario's a weakling, Luigi's all bold and brash — haha!"
"I DONT SEE ANYTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT," said a suddenly booming, deep manly voice. It shook the very library walls like a blue whale singing opera.
Everyone jumped as they looked around, trying to identify the source of the sound. Eventually they all settled on Toad standing there silently in the middle of them all.
He covered his mouth. "YOU DIDNT HEAR ANYTHING!!"
Peach blinked. "Toad?!"
Everyone stared more. Then Wario burst into laughter. "Oh my gosh, get a load of THAT!! He's like the dude from the Allstate commercials!!"
I greatly apologize for our inability to convey audio, but here is something for reference.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

Please enjoy our random media moment.
Toad screamed. "AAAAAHHHH! MY SCREECHY AND ANNOYING VOICE IS GONE!!!"
"Hard to tell if this is an improvement," Daisy commented. "Waluigi, come on!!" She grabbed him by the collar and dragged him away from where he was gawking by the window.
Anyway, with this very manly Toad in tow, the group finally decided to get moving outside. It took longer than necessary because Mario basically couldn't walk, and Rosalina didn't want to either.
"Come on Mario's lets go! Time to get cured! We're going to see the professor!..." Luigi bolted for the door.
They stopped as Mario faceplanted into the floor, abandoned by his hyper brother.
"Um, Luigi, I think we should get something straight," Mario said, picking himself up. Peach helped him to his feet, but he was wobbly like gelatin.
Then she belched in his face.
"Oh Mario, I am so sorry—!"
Mario blinked. Then he laughed. "No problem, princess! ...Just keep holding me like that—
That awkward moment was cut off when Waluigi shoved in between them, sending Mario to the floor.
"PPPBBTTHHH!!" he said, which was about the only sound a mute is capable of making. Then he started jumping up and down and pointing to the door like a maniac.
"Oh, now he's doing a Donkey Kong impression! I get it! Donkey Kong's outside! We've gotta go warn him about the illness!" Luigi said. "Or maybe he's just trying to tell us the bathroom's full and he's about to have an accident. Or MAYBE there's something in his overalls! Or maybe he's just acting like an idiot because the illness affected his brain."
"WHICH DEFINITELY DIDNT HAPPEN TO ANYONE ELSE HERE," Toad said sarcastically. People had to cover their ears each time he spoke now, because it turned out to be very loud.
Rosalina sighed. "I hate to be a bother, but can we get moving? I can't walk on these feet for so long."
"At least they work," Mario replied, sitting up. "Alright Luigi, bend over! I'm getting up top!"
"Wait, what?" Luigi asked.
Mario reached up. "You heard me! I'm hitching a ride with you!"

One trip out the front doors later...

"Yoshi??! Where are you??" Peach yelled, venturing into the grass. "We're going to visit the professor!"
Wario growled. "Yeah, and hurry up! I really have to pick my nose and I'm too weak to do it!!"
"UGH, DONT LOOK AT ME," Toad said, crossing his arms.
Daisy came out holding the book. "Hm, that's weird, I don't understand why he would have—
She stopped suddenly, grabbing her nose. "Oh no."
Peach looked at her in concern. "What is it? Daisy?"
"Here it comes..." Daisy heaved, holding her breath. Within another moment she had become an irritated red, skin turned to hives as she started sneezing all over the place.
"I'm...*sneeze* allergic... *sneeze* to NATURE!!... ACHOO!!"
"Oh no!" Peach cried. "What do we do??"
"Boy, talk about irony," Wario commented. "The flower princess can't even touch flowers!"
Peach glared at him as Daisy got all puffed up and started rubbing her face in her skirt.
Then the castle doors busted open and Luigi trotted out, carrying Mario on his shoulders like the dumbest entry at the equestrian club.
He pointed. "Onward, steed! To the mad scientist with the unrealistic hairdo!" Mario commanded.
Luigi stopped and grabbed his ankles. "Okay Mario, but you know I'm not a horse. You remembered that, right? I don't think I can run all the way there. I mean I am feeling pretty charged up right now, but I think you must weigh like 300 pounds and my shoulders are little. Don't break my little shoulders, okay??"
Mario sighed. "Luigi right now I just need less lip from you and just focus on being my legs."
A short distance away, Rosalina groaned and glanced at Luma, looking like she was just trying to keep it together.
"I know I didn't intend it, but I can't help but feel like all of this is my fault," she moaned.
Luma smiled somehow without a mouth. "It'll be okay Mama! It's gonna be... fine."
He trailed off as they suddenly became aware of a loud, ominous bump that shook the ground.
BUMP. BUMP.
"WHAT IS THAT??" Toad asked in a voice so deep it was hard to take him seriously.
"Oh my gosh it's a T-REX!!" Wario hollered.
"Don't be ridiculous," Mario snorted from Luigi's shoulders. "T-Rexes don't roam these parts."
Meanwhile Waluigi just crossed his arms and rolled his eyes at all of their stupidity.

NintendoJedi: Oh what may Waluigi within him hide, though idiot on the outward side!

Toad: That would be poetry if I understood what it meant.

The next instant a huge dinosaur about as big as the castle came crashing up to them.
Wario screamed for a solid 4 seconds. "WAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!"
Daisy, scratching all over in irritation, glared at him through sneezes. "We don't need anyone to stand in for Waluigi!!" she hissed.
When that was over, Yoshi waved. "HEY GUYS!!"
Everyone stared. "Yoshi?!" Mario asked in disbelief. "What happened to you??"
"WELL, ONE MINUTE IM IN THE LIBRARY AND I FEEL FUNNY. THE NEXT I RUN OUTSIDE AND BOOM! I'M AS BIG AS A MEDIUM-SIZED CORPORATE OFFICE BUILDING."
Luigi stared. "Wow, that's crazy! It's like his first dinosaur roots were probably big creatures, but then the common Yoshi became domesticated over thousands of years into the small things we know today, but Yoshi got affected and it switched that! Now he's like a real dinosaur! Super cool!"
"YEAH, RIGHT? I FEEL SO POWERFUL NOW! IM STARTING TO EXPERIMENT WITH DIFFERENT KINDS OF ROARS—
"Uh-Huh, I see that," Daisy grunted, scratching her arms desperately. "Listen, can you please give us a ride to E. Gadd's? I'm actually suffering here."
Yoshi nodded. "SURE THING. ...OH, BUT I CANT LET ALL OF YOU ON MY BACK, SO SOME OF YOU HAVE TO HITCH A RIDE ELSEWHERE."
"What? Why not?" Wario asked.
"READ THE LABEL," Yoshi jerked to his back. Sure enough, written in small print across his shell was Property of Mario's Behind.
"I CAN ONLY LET YOU RIDE WTH EXPRESS WRITTEN OR SPOKEN CONSENT OF MARIO."
"Are you for real??"
Mario sighed. "Yeah, Alright! We can ride. But the foobs stay up top on your head!"
Wario frowned. "Now hang on a second-!"

Now I could have you believe that the ride to the lab was very nice and uneventful because of Yoshi being helpful and it was so nice to have a giant animal to ride.
But of course, that would be a great overstatement. (Or understatement. Whichever you prefer.)
"GIDDY UP!!" Mario yelled.
Wario and Waluigi were tossed like shaken smoothies as they clung to Yoshi's head, galloping by the streets of Toad Town at 145 miles an hour.
"Waluigi! Hold me!!" Wario yelled, unable to do so himself due to flimsy arms.
Waluigi didn't reply due to being happily mute, but we can all take a crack at what he would've said.

Waluigi: Yeah, you be GLAD!

Mario sat in a seat of general control on Yoshi's shell with pretty much all the girls, plus Blue and Yellow Toads, who turned out to be afflicted with the same Allstate-voice-syndrome. They had a conversation along that way about whether pink or purple was a more macho color to wear.
Luigi, being the third wheel kind of guy he is, was left to hold on to Yoshi's tail during the ride, but at this point he was so jacked up on not-coffee that he didn't mind having his lunch upchucked.

Meanwhile, at a random lovely Toad house in a peaceful suburb...

The Toad mother laid out the plates on the table. "Jimmy! Call your father, it's time for dinner!"
Jimmy, who was playing New Super Mario Bros. Wii like it was 2009 or something, threw down his controller and jumped up. "Sure. DAD!! ITS TIME FOR DINNER!!!"
The Toad dad, who was actually upstairs in the middle of taking his aspirin, jerked at the sound of his son's naturally screechy voice, swallowed the pill wrong, and tripped on his way down the steps. He landed in a pile of mushroom on the floor of the kitchen.
"Goodness, dear, be careful! What happened to you?" the toad mother asked in concern.
The Toad dad looked up but got distracted by a sudden movement out the window. It was a lovely sunny day, and the birds were singing, the flowers were spinning—
And a giant Yoshi T-Rex thing stampeded past their house just outside, toting a few screaming appendages which might have been people and demolishing their mailbox in the process.
It was over before his family could turn around.
"THERE!" he screamed, pointing like a deranged person. "What was that?!"
The mother looked. "A bird?"
"What was what, dad?" Jimmy asked.
The Toad dad stared at the peaceful day in confusion. And he asked for a glass of water. And he said he needed to lay off the pharmaceuticals.

In the meantime, the gang was having a fantastical giant lizard ride.
Luigi, still happily clinging to the tail like an adrenaline junkie, was singing loudly.
"Just hear those toadstools gawking and loudly mocking at uuuuuuus,
Come on it's lovely weather for a dinosaur to act like our buuuuuus!
All around the toads are fearing and roads are clearing for uuuuuuus
Come on it's lovely weather to make everyone act like a wuuuuuuuss!!"
Mario groaned from Yoshi's saddle. "Ugh, I hate this station."
Yoshi didn't care, because he was having delusions of being all 'wild' and 'free'.
Anyway, the gang was almost at their destination when suddenly the most pointless thing in this fic happened.
And that's called they ran into a clown car carrying Bowser and Bowser Jr.
Yoshi screeched to a stop. "BOSS! HIS RAUNCHINESS AND HIS KID INCOMING!!"
Mario groaned. "Tell him to come back later, I'm calling in sick!!"
Bowser floated over in his clown car. "Gwa haha! Nice ride, Mario! But guess what, we're here to kidnap the princess and no amount of overgrown dinosauruses can stop me!"
Yoshi stared. "DINOSAURUSES??"
Mario wasn't in the mood. "I'm serious, Bowser! We're all sick!"
Bowser Jr poked his head out. "Come on, we're overdue for a kidnapping!" he yelled.
Peach, holding onto Mario's shoulders, was incredulous. "Oh, come on!! You've got to be kidding!" She cried. Then, completely on accident, she belched one in Mario's ear.
Bowser stared in stupefaction (yes, that's an actual word). "Did I just see that right?"
Mario grinned triumphantly. "Yeah Bowser, the princess is a heavy eater now just like me! So I guess she's probably not going to make a pleasant prisoner anymore!"
Bowser might have responded to that, if Rosalina hadn't suddenly decided it was time for another magic intervention (her sneeze, which is the only magic she could now do). With a fantastic shockwave she sent the clown car spinning out of control and out of sight and hence, out of mind.
"Oh... thanks, Rosalina! I really appreciate it!" Peach said, before burping again.
Wario was surprised. "Whoa, that's it? I would've thought Bowser's cameo would be more consequential."
So with that quickly resolved, they finally pulled up outside the Mushroom Kingdom location of Gadd Science, Inc. (It's like the grownup equivalent to a kid's backyard hideout where he makes and sells stuff that doesn't exist, and hides behind a fancy name and label.)
The instant they stopped those goons all flooded off the dinosaur and stormed the building like starving zombies, abandoning the Yoshi in the parking lot.
"COOL, GUYS," Yoshi called. "I'LL JUST WAIT HERE!!"
Wario made it to the door first and stood there like a helplessly pathetic person. "Someone knock on the door!!" he yelled.
Luigi was all too happy to dart over and start pounding on it like it was a punching bag. "PROFESSOR COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON!! Open up!! We're all suffering from an ironic disease!!"
Suddenly the door opened, only it happened so fast Luigi was still leaning on it and he fell right forward, crushing the professor flat and then he had lung failure and then they had to get him to an actual hospital and forget all ideas of a cure. (No. Not really.)
"Luigi! Great to... Um... see you," E. Gadd said, patting his back from where he was being crushed on the floor. "Please get off me."
Luigi bounced up like a spring. "Professor we need your help! Mario and I were watching tv and then Toad broke down our door and then we had a nincompoop meeting and Rosalina here got us all sick with her magic bacon soda and now we're all star-crossed."
You might think it would be tough for a thousand-year old man to process all of this Craziness at once. Ordinarily, you'd be right.
But there's a reason E. Gadd and Luigi work so well together.
The professor blinked. "Egad! Why didn't you say so earlier?!"
Blue Toad stared. "...DID HE JUST USE HIS OWN NAME AS AN EXCLAMATION?"
Nobody bothered answering that dumb question.
So the goons all flooded into his lab (minus Yoshi, who was now bigger than the lab). It was like a typical mad scientist's lair inside, with pretty much all the test tubes, weird machinery, and wombat brains you could ever want.

Wario: Aw man, I forgot to pick up my free sample!

"So you drank this," E. Gadd said, observing Rosalina's bottle under a microscope thingie. She nodded.
"Well... that was very... stupid."
"WELL I COULDA TOLD YOU THAT," Blue Toad said.
"Alright, I understand!" Rosalina said, brushing aside her pink bangs. "Can you help us?"
"I think I might be able to manage a cure. But you know... here at Gadd Science Inc. we don't do things for free."
Daisy, who was pressing a cold pack to her head, breathed, "What do you want??"
E. Gadd shrugged. "How about... Ooh! I'll take some of Luigi's DNA. That's always useful for ...various projects."
Everyone seemed pretty cool with the idea.
Except Luigi. "Whoa whoa whoa, what?! No way!! You even stole my DNA the first time! Who said you were allowed to do that, huh??"
"Luigi, the government already has all your info anyway," E. Gadd said. "What's the harm?"
Peach frowned. "Excuse me, I am the government and that's not true."
"Well I don't care! I'm not giving any spit right now! Or blood or... anything else." Luigi crossed his arms.
"I BET MARIO CAN TALK YOU INTO IT," Toad said.
Mario was by the doorway, attempting to pull himself to his feet by clinging to the doorknob like a hospital runaway.
Wario sagged. "Aw man, come on! If you don't pay him to fix us I'll throttle you! ...I'll PAY someone to throttle you!" He corrected. "I'll never be able to pick my nose again!!"
"OR WASH HIS CLOTHES AGAIN," Yellow Toad added.
"What do you mean 'again'?" Luigi snorted.
"I'll never be able to go outside again," Daisy gasped in horror. "Oh, please say it ain't so!!"
"And I'm supposed to act like a princess," Peach cried. "How can I be graceful when I'm... a disgraceful mess??"
"AND WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SCREECHY AND ANNOYING," Toad said, almost breaking windows.
"And I'll never be able to sit still again!!" Luigi said, bouncing up and down like an infant girl. He didn't sound particularly disappointed though.
Meanwhile, Mario crawled over along the ground. "I guess I'm obligated to say 'I'll never be able to jump again'!" Suddenly he froze and gasped. "Oh no. I'll never be able to jump again!! This is like the worst thing to ever happen to any of you!!"
Everyone stared at him with a look of boredom.
(Meanwhile Waluigi stood in the corner in sad silence because he couldn't even voice his lament.)
Finally E. Gadd had it. "Alright, Alright! I'll do it for free. I just need a little of your help to whip something up?"
Everyone applauded then for some reason. Except Wario.

Rosalina stood as tall as she could, reaching like a weaning baby bird for a large bowl on a high shelf. Since she was as inadequate as a toddler, Toad came over and attempted to make it fall down by ramming the shelf with his head. It backfired and a large bottle of carbon dioxide fell off and broke. Wario screamed in terror and started running in circles because he thought it was toxic.
Waluigi sat pathetically silent in a corner.
Luigi was too busy running all over the room with Mario sitting on his shoulders, who now he looked ready to throw up. Finally Luigi jumped up and Mario got enough height to reach the bowl.
Everyone cheered when they grabbed it. Mario puked in it a moment later.
Waluigi sat pathetically silent in a corner.
The entire lab did jumping jacks as Yoshi decided to dance the Macarena on the lawn.
E. Gadd stirred a bowl of cure-liquid while absentmindedly watching a heated match of curling on his lab tv. He handed the spoon to Wario, who was watching like a giant dumb ostrich. He stared at the spoon handle, attempting several times to grab it. E. Gadd tapped his foot impatiently, until finally he got fed up and threw it in his face.
Waluigi sat pathetically silent in a corner.
Daisy, sitting nearby with a shot of medication in her neck, glared at Wario and yelled, "FIRMLY GRASP IT!"
Then Peach shoved him aside, grabbed the spoon and would have been a huge help with this cooking video if she hadn't burped right into the concoction. It ignited by some unseen force and started bubbling like soda.
Waluigi sat pathetically silent in a corner.

We hope you have enjoyed this brief cooking montage.

"Wow, what a great montage!" Luigi said, peeking through the viewfinder of E. Gadd's camera. "Can I get the mp4 of that??"
"Can someone slap that out of his hands?" Wario asked. No one did.
"Well, I almost thought I would have to call an ambulance a few times there, but fortunately you all did it! Nice job!" E. Gadd praised, pouring out the solution.
"Seriously?" Daisy asked.
"No, not seriously," he scolded. "You people are absolutely useless!"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Wario said as he stood in the middle of a giant bleach spill.
"PROPS TO MARIO FOR MAKING US CLEAN HIS BARF SO WE COULD USE THE BOWL," Blue Toad said. Mario snapped his fingers at him and then hit the floor.
Luigi was so worked up that he'd begun biting his hands.
"Luigi, calm down. Why don't you just go roll over there on the floor?" E. Gadd pointed to a small playpen full of baby koopas which were clearly on acid.
Luigi promptly went to join the like-minded.
"Okay, so we just drink this stuff and get cured?" Peach asked, sniffing the cup E. Gadd handed her.
"Yes. ...I think. Well, or you could all turn into giant pigeons. But luckily, that's a risk I'm willing to take."
Everyone stood around awkwardly. Finally Wario sighed. "Can somebody feed me my pigeon juice?"
It was silent for a second as everybody drank their so-called pigeon juice.
Then...
"Nothing's happening," Daisy said.
"Oh, you have to give it 11 minutes to take effect," E. Gadd replied, watching his curling.
Everyone let out a collective groan.

"WHAT DID THE GRAPE SAY WHEN SOMEONE STEPPED ON IT?" Toad asked.
Crickets.
"IT LET OUT A LITTLE WHINE!"
Wario frowned. "...I don't get it."
Mario groaned. "Can we please just—
He stopped. "Hey, wait a minute. I can feel my legs! I can feel my LEGS!!"
Wario gasped, staring at his arms. "Oh, babies! Come to papa!" Then he dug in. (To his nose.)
Daisy looked around and quickly grabbed the nearest plant she saw, which was a bucket of ice flowers. Inhaling them like a drug, she sighed and enjoyed the pollen.
Then, like a magic spell taking effect at a light show, stardust sparkled as Rosalina lifted from her feet, her hair magically turning to be restored. "Ahh! It's working!"
Let's just say that was definitely the most lovely of the cures.
Meanwhile Peach laughed and twirled around, finally coming to Mario's side. "Yes! I'm not hungry anymore! I feel wonderful!"
In response, Mario jumped up, grabbed her arm and spun her around, which was supposed to be a really magical ending for the show except that he flung her too hard and she slammed into a shelf full of coat hangers. They flew everywhere, and one hit Waluigi in the head, almost decapitating him.
Then he threw back his head and screamed. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Wario: Well, I'm glad we all lived long enough to witness that.

Daisy, sitting happily with some flowers in her nose, groaned. "Oh, joy. What was that for??"
Waluigi tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I dunno."
She facepalmed.
"It's been building up for a while and let me tell you, there is nothing more frustrating than not being able to release a Wah!"
While he went running around Wahing all over the place, E. Gadd came up to Luigi, who was standing awkwardly in a corner. "How goes it, my boy?"
Luigi frowned. "I don't know... I feel like I've had the most funny thing for lunch," he said at last.
Just then Rosalina floated over to them, beaming like the luma next to her. "Thank you so much! I must ask, what was it that you used to cure us?"
E. Gadd waved a hand. "Oh, it was only a slightly modified version of your bacon soda. You see, it turns out that you had put coke in it, which reacted with the bacon in such a way that the carbonation created an almost identical reaction in the stomach as Star-Crosser's Illness," he explained. "But when making our cure, we were careful to avoid that."
Waluigi stared. "Was that supposed to make any sense?"
Mario jolted up. "That was the bacon soda?? I'll buy ten tons!!"
Toad sat on the floor and giggled. "...I like pigs too!!"
And they all lived happily ever after.
For at least a couple of days.

Man this thing is going on FOREVER—
Oh darn, but we can't end it without showing you the secret epilogue!

Bowser Jr. busted into his dad's bedroom, panting with anticipation. "DAD!! Dad dad dad dad dad!! Guess what??!"
He paused, seeing a small moving lump behind Bowser's evil curtains. "Dad?"
"Junior! Uhh... don't come in here right now—
Too late. BJ had already pulled aside the curtain, revealing his dad huddling there gorging on ice cream.
Bowser looked up and had a heart attack. "Son???"
"...Dad?"
They stared at each other like chickens in a Tyson factory.
".............AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!"
Bowser and Bowser Junior had switched sizes.

Mario: And so, ladies and gentlemen, the moral of this story is never to put coke in your bacon soda.

Wario: No, the moral is to be grateful for the ability to pick your nose! You never know when you might lose it!!

Daisy: I'm sure there's a better moral that you people are just missing.

Toad: ...? Do our stories have morals??

Wario: Hey yeah that's a good point. Anywah, I'm going gold mining. I'll let you know when I'm back from California.

Luigi: ...He doesn't mean what I think he means.

Peach: So I suppose we're just going to ignore the fact that Bowser and Bowser Jr were also affected by this illness?

Mario: Eh, they only swapped sizes. It's no big deal.

Bowser: ILL SHOW YOU A BIG DEAL, PAL!!

Bowser Jr: Aw, come on, dad! I like being as big as you!

Yoshi: I do like being big, but I still think it's insulting that my restoration wasn't included in the story.

NintendoJedi: My bad.

Toad: Oh, I've got it! The moral of the story is to always cover your sneeze!

Blue Toad: Ain't THAT poetry.

Toadette: ...So no one fell in love...?

There! Another story, and a huge one no less. Was that crazy or was it Crazy? (There's a difference.)
I'm really sorry for making this thing SO long (like I said, I have no idea what happened, it just did). I think I was just trying to do too much with too many characters. That never seemed like a problem before but it sure was this time.
And oh yeah, you may have happily noticed I have begun the use of my own CUSTOMIZED Crazy Mario Land timecards! At the great suggestion of some of you, I took it upon myself to make some. What do you think? 😆
I guess you all deserve it since it's been awhile and it's the start of the school year and I don't know when I'll be able to post again. But whatever happens, I promise that next time we'll get back to the 'usual' stuff.
...Whatever that means.

Till then, cover your sneezes I guess, please don't go publicly gold digging in California, and stay Crazy!!

~NintendoJedi