An Enchantment of Time by Le0pard0

Good blurb, however I would make three different paragraphs - one about Drew, one about Ethan and the other about Eve (I was pretty sure that's the name of the computer, though.) Right now, it's sort of in a jumbled mess all in one paragraph. By setting them out, we get a clearer view of all three different characters.

You had some misplaced commas like 'cheeks, red' instead of 'cheeks red' and other examples such as 'she said, turning' instead of 'she said turning'. I marked the majority of these up for you and I hope you found them useful. Like I say to all the other users who submit their work, you should always be revising your document.

On the whole, good dialogue formatting, although you didn't use commas between dialogue tags (see previous critiques on how to format dialogue properly.) There was one very small tense jump too, but I commented on that, so you should be aware of it.

Good description and vocab was used, although I think you could have used a tiny more vivid description to enhance the writing further (for example, as I mentioned whilst reading, more description of how Drew moved in the wheelchair would be good).

The plot got slightly confusing but I have a feeling things will clear themselves up during the next chapter or so. If you haven't already planned an explanation for everything that went on, you definitely should. I think by the fourth or fifth chapter you should be really trying to pull the reader into the story.

I saw some excellent character development and traits. Every character was strong and seemed three-dimensional. I particularly grew to like Evan. I thought the way you introduced him in his chapter of screaming at the lake was very nicely done. You should keep that sort of thing up throughout.

Overall, a very good story. One of the best I've reviewed. Well done. Please, however, take my comments into consideration as I think they will be of good use to you.

Please remember that this is a critique, NOT a criticism. Please spread the word!

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