To Phil,

How are you? Heh... I've never been good at conversations...

Well... You wanted to know what was wrong...

Everything's falling to pieces in my life, and I'm running out of shit to hold it together with.

I'm in love, Phil. It's eating away at me, because they're friend-zoning me, and they're too fucking beautiful and I'm just an ugly dork, who's dying on the inside. I'm too in love with him. I haven't even thought about my own wellbeing since. I just cry, sleep, hope, and... I...

Here's an idea, Phil. Tell me when your birthday is so I can send you a present! I need something that I've promised to do to keep me going, because I've never broken a promise and I never will.

I promise to send you a present every year!

Sound good? I think I already know what I want to get you... heh...

People at school are calling me gay, and a loner, but they're the lonely ones. I'm making a new set of friends now. They're awesome!

They're called Alfie, his girlfriend, Zoe, Caspar, Joe (Zoe's sister), and the brothers Connor and Jack. They're all cute, but none of them could ever compare to the boy who stole my heart.

I took your advice and I went up to him. I blatantly said "Hey, dude? What's your sexuality?"

He replied "Oh... uhh... Extremely gay... like so gay that I'm gayer than Elton John and his husband combined."

Which was awesome. He's gay and I'm a flaming homosexual, and it's all good, I think!

Then, I said "so on a scale of 1 to I'd tap dat ass, where am I?"

His answer sent me over the edge, slightly.

"Your scale isn't high enough for where you'd place on it. Your more of a... I'd f... fudge you kinda th...thing..."

I was in heaven. As soon as I possibly could, I went home, and thought about everything that happened today. I was high, but not on drugs. I was (and I still am slightly) high from the excitement and from the emotional rush of love I got from him.

How's your life? How's Dan from the register? If you guys don't get together ASAP, then I'm gonna have to talk some sense into him!

Can you tell me more about your Pj? He sounds really similar to the guy I know, and I was just curious.

Love,
Dan x

***

Dear Dan,

My birthday is the 30th of January, because you wanted to know.

There isn't much to tell you in this letter. Dan has become more distant from me, and that's hurting, but we're still good friends.

You wanna know about Pj? That's difficult to say, unless you meet him. He doesn't have a "gay vibe" about him, and he's officially dating Chris now. He has blue eyes that are verging on the edge of green. His hair is mainly wavy, and it's curly in some places, and it's brown.

Here's a picture of him so you can compare him to your Pj!

He's pretty darn awesome. You guys would get along really well.

Just out of curiosity, Dan... What school did you move to? I'm at St Paul's Academy, if you were wondering. I'm in Year 11, and I was thinking that if your school was in the area, then we might be able to meet up! It'd be an awesome thing to do before Christmas, too!

Sorry this letter is so short. Send me a picture of the guy who you like, so I can see how fabulous they are, and so I can check if I know them!

Yours truly,

Phil Lester (it's almost Christmas)

***

To Phil:

Do you really go to St Paul's Academy?!

I can't tell any of my other fans, but I go there too! I feel like I can trust you, so I'll tell you my form...

I'm in Year 11, and I'm in form 11-3. What about you?

Also, I don't have any pictures of the boy I like, sorry.

On the other hand, my Pj is your Pj!!! I mean that in the sense that they're the same person and we both know them. Does that mean the girl I know as Lou is your Louise? Christopher is your Chris?! This means we could've met without realising it!!!! OH MY GOSH THIS IS SO EXCITING!!!

I'm gonna go now; my mum's calling me and I need to confront Pj.

Love,
Your best man, Dan x

***

To "Best Man, Dan"

I choked when I read that part. I'd rather have you as my boyfriend instead of my best man, but I guess best man is fine.

Are you actually kidding me, though? Form 11-3?! THAT'S MY FORM OH MY GOODNESS WOAH THIS IS SO EXCITING CAN I MEET YOU AFTER SCHOOL ONE DAY? I'm free pretty much 24/7 other than when I'm sleeping, doing homework, or if I'm at school.

How about the 12th of March, I'll meet you after school, by the front gate? Does that sound good? I guess you'll be able to recognise me, due to the nervous sweat and the utter panic(! At The Disco) and excitement in my eyes.

Pj got into a fight today. It was with a boy called Joe (Sugg?), and Pj has a black eye. It's terrible! Joe called Pj a faggot and said that he wasn't normal, and wouldn't stop making homophobic comments to Peej, and so Pj went to tell Joe to stop. Joe got really mad, and punched Pj, and now Joe's been suspended, and Pj isn't coming back to school for a week or so until everything dies down.

Now, Joe's mum and dad want to move him out of St Peter's Academy, and into another school, but Zoe (aka Zoella aka Joe's sister) is refusing to leave Joe, but is also refusing to leave her boyfriend, Alfie. They've been dating since Christmas in Year 8, and they're so cute together! Caspar, Joe's mate and next door neighbour, is also protesting about Joe being suspended and possibly transferring schools.

It's all a big fuss, and Dan from the register keeps drifting between being my best mate, and being part of the homophobic popular lot. I'm fed up of it, Dan!

Dan... I'm crying now, and my tears are meaning that I have to write around places and it's awkward and annoying, just like me and I'm sorry Dan I'm sorry I'm crying right now and I just wish I could meet you because, Dan Howell, there are so many reasons.

I know, Dan. I know you in real life, and I want you to come back to me.

Don't leave me for Joe and Caspar, Alfie and Zoe, and those lot. If you don't like my friends, then I don't have to hang around with them. Dan, I just want you back.

Yours truly,

Phil Lester (please meet me 11th March)