19 ¦ Darkness to Light

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As I aligned my leather bracers, I fidgeted with nervous energy and smoothed my emerald-green surcoat over my dark-brown leather armor, the full dress uniform for healers. Lord Darius required such attire whenever he summoned us for a formal hearing to discuss our careers.

Puffed out on the sides, my frizzy red mane refused to be tamed. Maybe I should just cut it off, I thought with a groan. Squinting at my reflection, I imagined myself with a bald head. No, that'd just be scary. Instead, I covered my head with the oversized hood, obscuring my face as well.

After lacing up my dark-brown knee-high boots, I rose up on my toes to break in the stubborn leather and exhaled a deep breath.

It's just Lord Darius, not Lord Hesse. Relax.

An irrational tightness pulled inside my stomach at the thought of seeing the Shadow Rider again after such a long time. Although I tried to convince myself it was just a combination of nerves and resentment, I couldn't deny the presence of other feelings as well.

Focus on what matters.

As I walked down the hallway towards Lord Darius' study, I directed my gaze at the marble floor and rehearsed my words. My steps echoed like a metronome, lulling me into deep contemplation, and I pictured the upcoming meeting in my mind.

Brimming with confidence, I approached Lord Darius, who rose to his feet and stared at me from behind his grand wooden desk.

"Speak," he commanded.

"I have considered your proposal, and I'm willing to engage in regular magical training with you in exchange for combat training as per your suggestion ..."

No, too formal.

"I think it would be wise to learn ..."

No.

My cheeks flushed pink, and my eyes flared with fiery intensity. "Give me damned combat training, you idiot!"

A smile spread across my face, and I suppressed a small chuckle. Sometimes my imagination had a powerful cathartic effect--almost as good as the real thing with less damage control required.

At least, I thought I'd require less damage control until I heard the Shadow Rider's footsteps echoing behind me.

"Is that how you intend to convince me?" he asked, his raspy breathing echoing in the hallway.

As soon as I stopped, he did as well. I turned towards the Shadow Rider, and for a few moments, we glared at each other in silence until he finally relented.

"You should know better than to use magic to alleviate your Gatál anger," he growled as he strolled past me. "You know I can see you and hear you. If I can't, he can."

"You speak of Dahlroth as if he's separate from you." I trotted to keep up with his long strides. "But he isn't."

"We have already discussed this, and I grow tired of your incessant chatter," he hissed in reply as he opened his office door. "Enter."

Just after I'd entered the room, everything vanished apart from the stone floor and walls. I gasped and ran towards the exit, but the Shadow Rider slammed the door with an ominous bang, and I found myself in complete darkness.

"If you want to tap into your magic, Helena, don't talk. Act."

"Lord Darius, where are we?" I asked, trying to keep my voice calm despite an overwhelming urge to panic. "This isn't your office. What about our meeting?"

"Are you afraid, Helena?" he asked, his voice echoing in the room as he walked towards me. "Do you want combat training and magical tutelage? Why wait and fill out sheets of parchment?"

I rushed toward the exit, but my hands found only a stone wall. Unable to adjust to the total blackness, I ran my hand along the surface, walking in a circle until I was sure I'd returned to the start, but I couldn't feel a door anywhere.

All I could hear was Lord Darius' leather heels clicking on the stone floor with calm surety.

Arrogant bastard! What is this? A mirage? A test?

"You've trapped me here," I said, my anger rising.

"When I train my fighters, they turn black and blue until they learn to dodge and block my attacks," he said. "When I train my wizards, I make them read and write until their eyes swim and their fingers ache."

"Then give me a book or make me fight you."

"You don't learn innate magic from a book. You coax it from deep inside the person's soul with stress tests like this one. Why else do you think I administered that serum to you?"

"You go too far," I said through clenched teeth. "I've had enough."

"If you want to tap into your magic, you need to know fear, confront it, and overcome it. You have the power to leave this room if you calm your mind."

"I'm not afraid," I said aloud.

"Yes, you are afraid, Helena," he said. In the darkness, I could hear his footfalls as he circled me like a vulture. "I can smell your fear. It crackles and dances in the air like the currents before a thunderstorm. It beckons to me, calling me to siphon it for my own strength and power."

He inhaled as though he was relishing the scent of a flower or succulent fruit, and I gasped when he took hold of my shoulders. My knees wobbled, and my chest heaved with panicked breaths.

"But I refuse to listen to its call, and that is where I differ from my fellow Shadow Riders."

Mostly I wanted him to stop playing games, but I couldn't ignore the thrill that coursed through my veins. Danger. Fear. Excitement. It kicked my synapses into full force and enhanced all my senses. If he wanted a fight, I'd give him one.

"You feel your power, don't you?" he hissed. "Like a thousand tiny snowflakes chilling your heart? Or the rush of fiery lava inside your veins? Or a hundred electric strings playing across your skin?"

The Shadow Rider pressed my back to his chest, and a small yelp escaped from my lips. Tingles raced through my whole body and across every nerve.

"Tantalizing though that sensation is," he said in a husky voice, "I swore not to teach you dark magic, so we need to find another way."

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Yes, you promised."

"And I intend to keep my word," he said in a solemn voice as he released me. "I need you to think, Helena. How can you create light where none exists?"

"That's impossible," I said, my voice trembling along with the rest of my body.

"Only if you say it is."

"Please, Dahlroth ..."

"Please, what?" he whispered in my ear.

"Please ..." My throat turned dry and hoarse so that I could barely speak, and my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. "Show me once. After that, I'll be able to do it on my own."

"The Gatál can bend or even break rules that mere Halcíans and Dragonborn cannot," he said, tracing his ice-cold helmet across my flushed skin. "It doesn't matter whether you follow your mother's light or my darkness. Break down your mental barriers and manifest what you see."

"How?"

"The road is not easy," Lord Darius said.

"Teach me," I said, trying to sound brave. "I'm ready."

For a second, he paused. "You know how to generate fire, correct?"

"Yes."

"Dig deep, Helena, and move that spark into this very room. Find your emotion, your passion, and contain it in the upper-right hand corner. Let it burn, but don't let it consume you."

"But how do I transfer it from my mind into the real world?" I asked, breathless.

"The outside world will manifest what you imagine," Lord Darius whispered. "I will help you the first time. Close your mind and go to a place where you feel safe and your mind can remain still."

"All right," I said with a sigh as I closed my eyes and tried to sink into another reverie.

Once again I was in the gardens, laying with my back on the soft grass and staring up at the stars. It was a cool, clear night without a cloud in the sky, and a faint halo adorned the moon. Nearby, a campfire emitted heat and cast a golden light upon my pale skin.

When I felt Dahlroth's cold, long, thin fingers wrapping around my hand, I turned towards him. His icy gray-blue eyes widened when he saw me, and he gave my hand a gentle squeeze.

I missed you, Dahlroth. Just say it, Helena, I told myself. I missed you.

"Helena," he whispered.

We just stared at each other in weighty silence. My soul prodded me to speak, but my mouth refused to comply.

"Say something," he said. "After all this time--"

The words fell from my lips before I could restrain them. "Why can't you take his place?"

Dahlroth's expression soured as he ripped his hand away from me and turned his back towards me on the grass. I stared at the wayward blades of grass stuck to his brown hide leather jacket.

"You will never respect the real Dahlroth, will you?" he asked, his voice laced with pain. "Only this eighteen-year-old boy before you."

"What do you mean? You are the real Dahlroth."

"I'm a dream, Helena. A figment of our combined imagination to make me appear less frightening to you. I'm not real."

"Yes, you are," I insisted. "You've just forgotten because you're a lost soul."

"This isn't even what I looked like back then," he said in an angry whisper. "It's what I want to look like right now. What I want to be. You have no idea who I really am."

"Dahlroth, you make yourself who you are."

"Why can't you admit the truth, Helena?" he asked as he turned to face me. "Why do you try to fashion me into your likeness and push me away when it doesn't work?"

I stared at him in silence.

His eyes pierced me like daggers. "You asked me to train you, and I'm doing it the only way I know how. When the Gatál trained us, they subjected us to unspeakable pain, anguish, and torture. I'm trying to simulate those stressors without actually hurting you."

"Power isn't everything," I said with a sigh. "Maybe we should just stop."

"If I fail to awaken your magic, Helena, Lord Hesse will crush you," he said through clenched teeth. "He'll make me watch. I'm trying to find another way, but I'm groping in the dark. You have to play your part, too. Why are you being so stubborn?"

"Sometimes I just want ..."

He sat upright right when I did. "What do you want?" His eyes searched mine. "Tell me ..."

It should have been easy to tell him, and yet I couldn't because I was too proud to show him that kind of weakness. "I want to light up this damned room," I growled instead. "Show me how."

Squeezing his eyes shut, he pursed his lips and turned his face away from me. For a few seconds, he stared at the campfire. "All right, Helena," he said with a deep, frustrated sigh, "I will."

My heart clenched, but I just gave him a curt nod. "Thank you."

"Drink the flames as usual," he said as he handed me a metal bucket. Scooping up the flames, I drank my fill until my chest burned. "Now envision where you want the fire, and make it manifest with an appropriate fuel source, preferably a small log so that it stays controlled."

"How do I create a fire using only the power of my mind?" I asked, incredulous.

Pausing to rethink his explanation, he said, "Sometimes a verbal command helps at first. Anything will do. Even something simple like the word fire."

Picturing the dark room in the real world, I stared at the bonfire. "Ignite," I commanded.

When I opened my eyes back in the stone room, I saw a fire blazing in the right-hand corner of the room, just like Lord Darius had ordered.

Good gods, it worked!

"You see?" Lord Darius whispered. "You can do the impossible."

Only after he spoke did I realize just how close we were still standing together. But I didn't move away--I was too stunned by what I'd done. To my surprise, he didn't move away either.

"This makes no sense," I said. "This defies every law, every truth, every fact--"

"Helena, I hope one day you learn that I am trying to help you."

Staring in disbelief, I watched how the flames danced on the small log, emitting real heat and real light. I hadn't conjured some illusion--I had bent laws that shouldn't be broken, and the thought made me giddy--like I could float to the heavens on pure willpower.

"Can you teach me more?" I asked. "Healing? Manipulating elements? Visions?"

"You're the creator of worlds," he whispered in my ear. "You can bring back what's lost and turn darkness to light. Over time, magic will allow you to create anything you can imagine."

I shuddered at his words.

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A/N: Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this chapter, please vote and/or comment. Tips and helpful advice are always appreciated as well, especially since this is a raw, unedited draft. As such, it may be subject to substantial editing and major changes.

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