Wills pov
Trigger warning: mentions of suicide
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Nico hated me. That much was obvious.
A few days later and it was all I could think about.

I had a lecture today, but I skipped it because I couldn't get out of bed. Tomorrow I had my mandatory dinner with Jenny and Carmen, and I knew Jenny would ask me "what the fuck were you thinking" as soon as I walked in the door. Because yeah. What the fuck was I thinking.

I was blinded with hope. I hoped he still cared about me, that's what. It was selfish and I probably wrenched away any progress he had. It was past 3:00, and I hadn't gotten out of bed to eat yet. I was hungry, of course. But not hungry enough to get up.
I just missed him. I couldn't stop how much I missed him, even if I wanted to.
But I wanted him back, so I thought about him constantly.
Nico was one of my main sources of happiness for nearly a year, and without him I had an empty hole in my stomach that grew every day. He was my... my person. He laughed at my jokes and wanted to be with me and wanted me to take care of myself and he... well now he was gone.

The sun through my window was bright, and I had to shield my eyes with my hand to look outside. The little bit of sky I could see through the metal fire escape stairs was highlighter blue. A beautiful, early fall day. If everything was normal, I'd probably force Nico to go out with me on a date and get ice cream, or go to Central Park to enjoy the warmth and sun.
Everything reminded me of Nico. Every god damn thing.
Groaning, I rolled and shoved my face into my pillow.

In my self-pitying state, I didn't register the steps coming down the hallway until my door slammed open. I jumped up into a sitting position, disturbing my cocoon of 4 heavy blankets.
Cecil stood in my doorway, looking disappointed and helpless and slightly pissed. Here comes the rant.

"Will, I left at 11:00 this morning and you were laying on the bed staring at the ceiling. It's been nearly 4 hours. Have you moved at all?" He placed his hand on the doorframe to steady himself and stared at me hard. I settled back into my bed, jittery and pissed off for being scared so easily.

"No, but why do you care?" I bunched up a blanket and pulled it under my chin, pouting. Maybe I should take a nap. I love napping in the afternoon, it's super peaceful.
Cecil huffed and pressed his fingertips into the doorframe until they turned white.

"I care," he stressed, eyes narrowing, "because you're my best friend, and you're losing your fucking mind over a bad encounter with Nico, who, by the way, you never should of gone to see in the first place! Will, you're going to tear yourself apart."

I sat up once more and glared daggers at him.
"A 'bad encounter'. Really Cecil, a bad encounter. He looked at me like he wished I was dead. Do you know how that feels? When the person you love wants you dead? Just because you stopped him from killing himself? Yeah, ok. A bad encounter sounds correct."
I flung my blankets off my legs and stood, running my hand through my hair as my vision went blotchy. I hadn't been out of bed since I woke up to pee, so my body wasn't used to it.
I grabbed some sweat pants off the floor and yanked them on.

"Dude. Will," Cecil sighed, rubbing his hands over his face,
"This whole situation is bad. I know. You don't deserve it, none of it. But you need to understand it wasn't your fault. Nico, he's not well, you have to give him space to get better."

I scoffed and pulled a hairbrush through the knots in my hair. The pain didn't phase me but the sound was making Cecil flinch. God, this conversation made me want to throw a punch. Or two. My skin felt like it was on fire.

"You think I don't know he's sick? I know. I just..." I choked on my words, biting my lip, and looked up at the ceiling so I wouldn't start crying, "I thought I could help him. Obviously I couldn't. And if he never gets better, he'll have to live the rest of his life in that place and he'll just be miserable. If anyone doesn't deserve that, it's him."

Cecil walked towards me and put a hand on my shoulder. I squeezed my eyes shut a fought the urge to shove him and walk out. Run away.

"I get it, Will," he said softly. I pushed his hand off and turned my back to him, taking off my slept-in T-shirt and threw on a hoodie from the floor.

"You really don't, though," I turned back to him. He looked upset with me. I most likely mirrored that.

"Will-"

"No. Stop trying to make me feel better, it won't work." I glared at him, and shouldered past him out my door, knowing he'd follow,
"I need to get through this on my own, and you and Jenny and my mother won't help by hovering over me. Just... leave me alone."

I made it to the kitchen and grabbed a granola bar from the box on the counter. Cecil stood behind me with his arms crossed, like I was a toddler throwing a useless tantrum. Whining and kicking and screaming, spouting nonsense.

"Well, last time we didn't make sure you were alright-" his voice took on malice, and I knew he really was pissed,
"Last time we didn't pay close enough attention, you tried to hang yourself. So, I don't know, we're all pretty fucking worried because you're a fucking mess Solace."

I stared at him for a moment, not able to swallow the food in my mouth. The saliva in my mouth completely evaporated, leaving the chewed-up granola thick and tasteless and un-swallowable. I thought I might throw it up.
The anger grew inside me, pulsing through my veins like lava. I nearly spat on him. I turned to the sink instead, spitting out the granola bar in my mouth.

"What the fu-" he started, but I glared at him and held eye contact while I knelt and grabbed a shitty bottle of vodka. Undoing the cap, I didn't look away from his eyes and took a huge gulp.

I wiped my mouth, put the bottle in a brown bag and grabbed my coat from the couch.

I was halfway out the door when I stopped and turned to him. His mouth was half open and gaping, furious and confused.

"Where are you going to go?" He spat, because he didn't know what else to say.

I looked him up and down, fed up with this whole "intervention". He couldn't come in and talk to me about something he would never understand and act like he was all high and mighty.

"Fuck you," I decided upon, before pulling the door shut behind me. I was at least 4 shots in before I was out of my building.

A/n

Wow wow I have no upload schedule. I love when it takes nearly two months to write 1000 words. Incredible.
Anyways I didn't fail my exams!!! Yay!! And I'm seeing mcr and the 1975 in the pit this year!!! So ya!!!
Sucks that I'm sad lmao
Also go read my SnowBaz one shot!! It's like 10 000 words or something!

Anyways love y'all

Thea