Songs to listen to:

Small Hands – Keaton Henson

Fallingforyou - The 1975

Into My Arms – Eliza Rickman

Normal Song - Perfume Genius 

After a week of going to my work program in the underground, my bed has never seemed more inviting. I shed my clothes in the blink of an eye and change into my sleep clothing before sliding beneath my fluffy comforter.  After plugging in my Dreamscope cords, It doesn't take long before I pass out in exhaustion.

When my eyelids close, my mind immediately slips into the same pattern that it has been in for weeks and images of my recurring nightmare appear before me in my dream.

I am stuck, turned to stone. My mind is conscious enough in this dream to realize that that's all this is – a dream. I know by now that it's no use trying to struggle or move. I know what's coming and right on cue, Harry runs to me in a panic.

"Run!" He yells frantically.

But unlike all the other times where I desperately try to obey Harry's command and run, I choose to stay here.

"Go! Run! Please, please. Nya you have to get out of here," he shouts, just like always.

"No, Harry." I try to move my arm and notice that this time I'm able to. I reach up to cup the side of his face, which he leans into slightly, but the terror never leaves his eyes. "No. I'm staying with you."

The Harry in my dream doesn't have the chance to respond before I jump awake and see him sitting above me in my bed. But this isn't the urgent Harry from my dreams. This Harry moves lazily toward me, reaching his hand out to caress my cheek. His lips ghost over mine, merely hinting at their presence. I sit up quickly, doing anything to get closer to him. 

In one swift movement, I thrust my hands through the hair near the back of his neck and press my lips urgently to his. I'm not sure if I'm delusional from lack of sleep or if I'll be embarrassed by my actions later, but right now I don't care. I've never wanted to be so close to another human being in my whole life.

Harry's lips move against mine deliberately and he crushes me to his body. I let out a soft moan and I can feel the corners of his mouth turn up in a smile.

Pulling back from him, I can see that he looks peaceful for once. I've been used to seeing angry, annoyed, cautious Harry. This is a version of him that is new to me. I drink it all in – from the way his eyes are lazily half-closed with contentment to the way his calloused fingers are tracing patterns on my hips, igniting my skin with his touch.

How could I have been with Logan for two years and never once felt the way with him that I feel now with Harry only weeks after knowing him?

"What are you thinking?" He whispers quietly, pulling the left sleeve of my shirt down to have access to my shoulder. He plants light kisses there and my breath hitches. He catches me completely off guard and I don't think I'll ever get used to the way it feels.

"I'm thinking that if you don't stop, I won't be able to..." I trail off, hoping he'll pick up on my hint.

Luckily he does.

"I don't want that now." He pulls back from me so that he can meet my eyes. He says it softly, but the words still sting. I hadn't expected that to be his reaction.

I had thought this through. Ever since I felt the first jolt in my stomach from Harry's touch against my skin, I had run looping scenarios in my head of how it would be. I didn't want to feel hollow anymore. I needed to reclaim myself with him. 

"I don't mean it like that," he says quickly, picking up on my reaction. "There's just no reason to rush this. You don't have to feel like there isn't any time because there is. I'll give you as much time as I get to have in this life. My time is yours."

His voice is husky and I feel myself warm in response to his words. I run my hand up the leg of his pants slowly as he bites his lip, cautiously watching my slow movement. As I get nearer to my destination, he groans in agitation and puts his hand over mine, halting my advancement. 

"You're driving me crazy," he growls, pulling my hand up to cup his face. 

"Then say yes," I whisper, leaning closer to put my lips against his, but he pulls away.

"Even if you say that you want this now and that you don't care if we're rushing things, there is one thought that I can't past. It's an obstruction, of sorts."

I raise my eyebrows, waiting for him to explain further.

"You're still with Logan," he says eventually, looking sheepish.

I scoff. "I wouldn't even be with him if it wasn't for this whole charade you want me to play along with."

Harry gives me a pained look and sighs heavily, running a hand through his messy hair.

"You have no idea how badly I want to see you break up with him and call off taking your vows, Nya. I wish it was that easy."

"Why isn't it? It could be. We could leave." Deep down, I knew it wasn't actually that easy. I knew we had to wait for the right time to leave, but I desperately wanted to be able to just leave this whole mess behind with Harry by my side. 

"Because as much as I want to see you end your relationship with him, I want you to be safe even more. If I can't be in your life that way then so be it. You're more important than this." He motions his hand between the two of us.

"This being...?" As soon as I ask him to clarify, I feel butterflies in my stomach. If Harry tells me that what's going on between us is nothing, I think I will shatter. 

"I'm not sure." He runs a hand through his hair, but doesn't take his eyes off of mine. "I think... I think I wasn't expecting to feel this way. Honestly I wasn't expecting to feel anything toward you."

My heart is racing and I feel sweat form on my palms, signaling my heightened nerves.

"Somewhere along the way, between your incessant questions and stubborn personality, I think...Well, I'm not sure, but I think I started falling for you," Harry confesses. My cheeks tinge pink. "Nya, I'm falling for you," he whispers tenderly. 

I take a quick, deep breath. "I think I'm falling for you too."

As soon as I say it, Harry's face breaks into a beaming smile. His eyes are alight with something - hope maybe? It's more than joy. My face probably looks the same way and I realize I haven't been this happy in a very long time.

"You make me so happy," I admit aloud. "I think you're the only thing that makes me happy right now."

I lean forward to kiss him again and he smiles into the kiss, wrapping his strong arms around my lower back and bringing me closer to his lap. I groan, resisting the urge to rock my hips against him. My need for some sort of friction against him is too strong and Harry notices that, gently moving away from me so I can't do anything about it.

I groan again. "I should be embarrassed by this." I should be, but I'm not for some reason.

"Why should you be embarrassed?" He looks so puzzled and I almost laugh at how adorable his confused expression is. I want to kiss away the wrinkles in his forehead that he's created by furrowing his eyebrows.  

"Because of how I'm acting. And how you make me feel." I close my eyes, trying to ignore my raging hormones that are making me think only about ripping Harry's clothes from his body.

"Please don't be embarrassed about that. I want you too," he whispers and kisses my forehead sweetly while trailing his hands up my sides. The action gives me shivers, even though his kiss had been almost innocent. "Just not yet."

I glare at him and he laughs, enjoying how I react to his touch.

"Not funny." I playfully continue glaring until he apologizes and scoots away from me.

"Maybe the space will help you resist me," he jokes. I take one of my pillows and throw it at his head, which takes him completely by surprise. His eyes are wide with shock for a moment before I bust out laughing and he looks at me quizzically. The pillow has made his hair disheveled and it's sticking up messily all over his head. I can't help giggling at how adorable he still looks, even with his flyaway hair.

"You're lucky I kind of like you or else I might have to retaliate," he says and rubs his already messy hair against my shoulder, only to mess it up even more. "How does it look now?" 

I like seeing Harry in a joking mood. He's lighthearted and laughing with him feels so easy.

"It's sexy," I joke right back, running my fingers through his curls.

We stay silent, staring affectionately at each other until Harry's expression turns serious.

"You want to leave Logan that badly that you're willing to move up the date of us leaving together? Even if it means that the plan won't be completely thought out?" His eyes search mine.

"That's what you're thinking about right now? Can't we have one moment that isn't interrupted by something that we have to worry about?" I'm kind of pissed that he would take that moment of happiness away from me. I'm not ready to return to my reality. 

"Well you said earlier that you want to break off your vows and leave now. I can't exactly ignore that kind of statement. It's a lot to think about." 

"You just don't understand what this is like for me." I move backwards from him so I'm resting against the headboard of my bed.

"I'm on the other side of this problem. I want to be with you too. So I do understand." His tone is frustrated, but I can tell his frustration isn't aimed at me. He clenches his fists and I want to hold him, but I know that if I touch him again I won't get these next words out. Now that we've established how we feel about each other, I know I need to be honest with him about why choosing him over Logan is so important to me. 

"You understand that part of it. But you don't get the other stuff..." I take a calming breath to settle my nerves. "You don't get that it's you who makes me feel safe. In the two years that I was with Logan, I never once felt safe and protected. I always felt like I had to fight for myself because he didn't understand me. Maybe that sounds childish, but it's the truth. Then you came and at first I thought you were this controlling asshole. Well, you're still kind of controlling..."

I give Harry a half-smile, but he's too intent on listening to return the expression so I continue.

"But despite the stupid stuff you do that infuriates me, I feel like you're on my side. You care about what I think, even if you disagree with it. Even the fact that I can tell you this right now and not feel mortified just shows me that you are the person I feel safe with. So you can tell me that it's safer for me to be with him, but that just isn't true."

I hadn't realized how emotional I'd gotten until I feel wetness on my cheeks. I almost never cry in front of people. What the hell is wrong with me lately?

My fingers brush off the few tears that had escaped without my notice before my body is roughly pulled forward. Harry has me pressed to his chest and I scramble to throw my legs over both sides of his lap.

I wasn't expecting this turn of events.

Harry's heart is thumping wildly under the touch of my hand on his chest and his breathing is coming out in small pants.

"Is that true?" His pupils have dilated and he's looking at me as if my words have given him life. "Do I make you feel safe?"

I wrap my arms around his neck and pull his head close to mine.

"Harry, I've never felt safer with anyone in my life." My eyes hold his gaze and his grip on my waist tightens slightly.

"I feel the same way about you, Nya. I wasn't expecting it to be like this, but somehow you're saving me from who I was becoming."

I give him a puzzled look, but he doesn't notice it before kissing my neck and nuzzling me gently. Harry lays down on the bed and pulls me down next to him.

He leans over to kiss my temple and whispers "You don't need saving, love. I do."

It's the last thing I hear before drifting back to sleep.