Suffocated. I feel nothing but suffocation as the day with Logan progresses. If he had a mute button, I'd push it. He's not saying anything that should make me feel this way, but I can't control the irrational anger that leaps up inside me every time he does something. Even the way he's breathing with his mouth hanging open makes me wrinkle my nose in disgust. 

I hold in my annoyance, waiting for it to flow over into my actions every time his pinky brushes mine as we walk down the street. I breathe in deeply and hold it in for a moment before letting it back out slowly, hoping that I can reach some level of calm before Logan does anything else to piss me off. 

He had taken me to the viewing center earlier in the day to watch a film, which had pleased Cade as soon as Logan told him our plans before escorting me through my front door with an eager smile on his face. His smile was a stark contrast to my sullen mood.

When we reached the viewing center, Logan selected a plush couch near the back of the dark room. I ran my hand along the crushed velvet on the back of the piece of furniture, taking my time to sit down. My muscles tensed and my blood instantly chilled as I imagined what Logan would attempt to do with me on that couch. The viewing center was a popular spot for people my age to go on dates. Most people would try to find a couch near the back and then in the darkness, they would do anything but watch the film. 

Logan grabbed my hand and tugged on it until I reluctantly sat down, but I made sure to leave enough space between us that it would be difficult for him to make any moves with ease. The screen lit up and began playing an educational film about nature, specifically about trees that are native to Amberly. Cade had been so pleased that Logan was taking me to see it because he had assisted in its creation as part of his job requirement. His main duty was to focus on the lifespan of trees, which sounded boring to me, but somehow Cade found it fascinating.

My eyes began drooping as the screen showed a diagram of the rings on a tree trunk, explaining how the rings linked to the number of years the tree has been alive. I could feel my body getting heavy, but as my eyes closed, a touch on my side jolted me awake.

"It's okay, it's just me," Logan whispered, his voice deep and husky in my ear. He licked his lips and breathed against my neck, sending moist warm air against my skin. I cringed.

Logan grabs my hand as we walk down the street and it brings me back to the present. His sweaty fingers begin to lace with mine and I hurriedly pull away.

"This again?" He sighs in defeat. "I thought we were having a nice day."

He stops walking and grabs a handful of his own hair in agitation.

"You really thought that?" I ask, exasperated.

"Didn't you?" He asks, completely oblivious to what signals my body language has been giving off all day.

"We sat in a dark room for an hour without speaking. I'm almost positive that anyone can do that without much effort. It doesn't mean you've earned the right to hold my hand," I snap.

A woman passes by us on the opposite side of the street and gives us both disapproving looks as she pulls the child she's with along faster beside her. If the child wasn't with her, I'd probably tell her to piss off. 

"It's just holding hands, Nya," Logan huffs, clearly thrown by my words.

"Do you really believe your own words? Because the last time I checked, any physical contact between the two of us has made you think that I'm agreeing to hand over my life to you." I run a hand through my hair, pulling it slightly at the roots out of frustration.

"God, Nya... Why do you have to be so dramatic about it? 'Handing your life over to me'? Aren't girls supposed to...you know, get excited about taking their vows? Isn't it something you plan for your whole life?" Logan shakes his head, giving me a look as if he's finally realized how strange I truly am.

"I don't want to be forced into it," I tell him. 

We'd been through this before. Too many times.

Logan wrapped his warm arms around me, encircling my waist and pulling me closer to his chest. I looked straight at the wall across from me, thankful that he was behind me and couldn't see the tears threatening to fall from my eyes.

"What are you thinking?" He hugged me tighter and I wanted nothing more than to escape and be alone, but I wasn't about to tell him that.

I sniffed as quietly as I could so it wouldn't bring attention to the fact that I was trying to keep from crying.

"I was just thinking how nice that was," I lied. Why did I just say that?

"Mm, me too," he hummed into my hair.

I wasn't thinking how nice that had been at all. I was thinking how I felt uncomfortable I felt in my own skin. I was thinking about how much I ached and how much I felt like he had invaded a part of me that wasn't his to ever discover. It was like opening the door for someone and realizing the person you invited into your home turned out to be a complete stranger.

I wanted to wash him off of me as soon as I could.

"I'm going to take a shower..." I trailed off, hoping he'd get the hint that I wanted him to leave.

"Well that sounds like a nice idea. I'll join you." He sat up as soon as I did and kissed my shoulder swiftly.

"No, no. That's okay. I'm pretty tired after that." I forced a chuckle to try to lighten my mood.

"Well, alright." He shrugged and leaned over the bed to grab his pants from the floor.

After wrapping the bed sheet around my body tightly, ensuring that it was secure under my armpits, I stood up to make my way to the bathroom, hoping that Logan would be gone by the time I was finished.

"Nya, wait," Logan called to me quietly, almost silently.

Before turning around, I pinched my eyes shut, wishing that I hadn't heard him whisper my name.

"Please, come sit with me for a moment." He patted the empty spot on the bed beside him and I reluctantly obliged.

I stayed silent, waiting for him to speak. He took a deep breath and held both of my hands in his lap.

"I've just been thinking...And now especially after this...I just think it would be right." His breathing was coming out more rapidly.

"I'm not following you." I furrowed my brow. But I was following him. All too clearly, I could see what was coming. I knew the poisonous words that would form on his lips and I knew that if he spoke, he would release a toxin that I would be incapable of healing from. 

"I know. I'm shit at putting my thoughts into words, but let me try." He looked down at our hands, studying them for a moment before continuing. "I know that this probably won't come as any surprise because of how long we've been together at this point, but it's a conversation I want to have now. I just think it's the right time for me to get this out in the open, between us, I mean. I just want us to be on the same page," he rambled on.

 "I think we should take our vows together, Nya. I don't want anyone else. It just makes sense after what we just did together."

Logan stopped speaking after noticing that my eyes were wide with shock. Even though I knew what he was going to say, the words were still like a knife to the stomach. 

"I know it might seem a little early, but lots of people take vows at our age. It should be our next step after sleeping together. Don't you think?" His voice came out uneasy and unsure.

After staring at him with my mouth open for who knows how long, I noticed the helpless look he was giving me.

"You can't actually be serious?" I asked in disbelief.

"You're unhappy with the idea?" He shook his head, not seeming to understand.

"I..." I couldn't think of anything to say. Nothing was coming to my mind except for flashes of what my future life would be like: Coming home to Logan every single day and feeling his stiff lips on my cheek as he greeted me. Sleeping in a bed that felt more like a chamber. Dreading every moment that I wouldn't get to experience some type of freedom.

"You're just in shock," Logan said, petting my cheek. "You'll come around, don't worry. Let yourself get used to the idea before you say anything." 

I snap back to the present, shuddering at the unpleasant memory. 

"You still think that my every action is  to get you to take our vows?" He shakes his head, anger apparent in his features.

I don't respond and he takes my silence as confirmation of his fears.

"I can't believe this..." He looks around, clenching his fists. For a moment I'm worried that he'll hit something, but he takes a deep breath and relaxes his tensed muscles. "We've been together for almost two years. This is the natural next step. What more can I do?"

At his words, my stomach lurches and I feel like I'm going to be sick. I almost lean over to heave, but Harry's words flash in my mind and I know that no one can see me get sick right now.

Before my mind catches up with my body, I find myself sprinting away from Logan. My feet push against the ground, propelling me forward. I feel the wind in my hair as my speed picks up and my feet carry me to safety.