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"Sometimes I wanna lose my mind 
Lose myself
Sometimes I wanna
Lose my mind
Lose myself to something
To someone else"

"Dragged Out" -Chelsea Wolfe

Harper never made a fuss about not seeing Eric for a few days, and it actually gave her time to patch things up with Jenner. Always assuming that Eric would approach her if he wanted to see her, Harper made sure that her entire focus was on her training. They had already moved on from knives -which she excelled at thanks to Eric- to guns. The kickback of the larger guns had given her a nasty bruise in her shoulder, but she could feel the strength of her muscles bouncing back, and each day she never had trouble picking up a blade or a firearm. Four days after Jenner had seen her with Eric, she was fretting about it upon her bed, legs crossed and her hands tucked on her lap.

Eliza came up to her, knowing only that Harper had turned down Jenner, not that she had done it because of Eric. Harper was smarter than that, to let it slide even to one person other than Jenner. Eliza flopped down beside Harper. "Just say you're sorry that you don't like him, but you still want to be friends."

"When does that ever work?"

"What? Honesty?"

Harper rolled her eyes. "You know that's not what I meant. It's hard for the rest of us to tell the truth, I wasn't raised to always tell the truth."

"Just because I'm from the only honest faction, doesn't mean that honesty comes easily." She brushed her braids behind her ear; she kept her hair braided on one side, right down to her scalp, and the rest loose unless she was training. She would pull her long brown hair up into a messy bun when she trained. She was truly a beautiful person, Harper could tell she was inside as well. "Maybe I'm biased, but I'd rather have the utmost truth put out there, and decide from there."

Harper pondered on her words and wondered if this could apply to Eric as well. Though he had his secrets, dark and disturbing as they were, Harper had her own secrets that she would keep from him. When they kissed three evenings ago, Harper knew that she was starting down a path that could only have a nasty end, but she wanted it. She wanted the danger that it came with, the association, the excitement. 

That was something she had wanted her entire life, excitement. She would never have gotten it in any other faction, and so she began to feel more and more comfortable in Dauntless and not because she had to choose it. She fit in, she belonged. And as a woman, Harper just wanted to be able to feel that closeness with someone. The way Eric made her breath hitch and her heart beat too fast for her body, the way her blood would rush to her cheeks and colour them red. It all just felt too good to deny herself of, at least now. Maybe it would wear off shortly.

"You're right." Harper smiled. "I guess being brave comes in many forms."

"Sure does, it's funny how we are all separated into factions, and yet... Why not have all the traits of all the factions?" she mused, a deep look in her eyes, signaling that she was far away. "Why do we segregate people?"

Harper had never thought of that before. "Maximum efficiency?"

"Hardly seems that way," she breathed out coolly. "Well, go on!"

Harper stood up quickly, grabbing her jacket and draping it over her strong forearm, and left the living quarters where the initiates were still living. Only a few more weeks and she would be out of there, living somewhere better, hopefully. She could just as easily end up factionless or dead if anyone found out about her plan, a plan that seemed to be going increasingly sideways day after day. Shaking the thoughts from her head, reminding herself that if she was going to try and be a normal teenager, a normal initiate, she would have to stop thinking about every last detail, even if she knew her father would have shaken his head and scolded her for such things.

Leaning in through the door to where the Dauntless-born stayed, Harper seeing now that it was almost verbatim the transfers, she spotted Jenner lying on his back reading a book. The cover had been ripped off, and the paper was yellowing, but otherwise it was intact. Given that it was early afternoon being a weekend, the training stopping earlier than on weekdays, there was still daylight and Harper had had all morning to figure out how she was going to apologize to Jenner in a way that was honest, and showing that she was not guilty for not being attracted to him, because she had no control over that.

When he spotted her, he put down the book and half smiled. "Hey."

This was going better than she expected already. "Hey, may I have a seat?"

"Please do." He moved his legs so that they were off the bed, touching the ground.

When Harper sat on the bed, her feet didn't touch the ground. Standing at barely 5'3'', she was shorter than almost everyone in Dauntless. She began to play with her hands, lifting them up and down in her lap, twiddling her thumbs, scraping underneath her nails, and then she sighed. "Can we talk somewhere?"

He laughed. "Yeah, alright."

They walked down to the pit, where it was loud enough that no one would overhear them. The rushing water was nearby, and the business of the pit on a Saturday night was mood raising. The glass roof of the pit let little light inside, which made the entire area seem darker than usual. Giving it a grungy feel was the small shops that littered the edges, the laughter in the distance, and the casual essence of everyone around. When you were in the pit, you were Dauntless, no one knew if you were an initiate or not, and it felt like how it should when you belonged. Harper looked at Jenner and already felt that things were easing back to the norm, she sensed no resentment. The few days away had probably been good for both of them

"So, I wish you hadn't seen what you did," she started, taking a seat upon a metal picnic-style table. Jenner sat on the other side. Harper continued, "To be honest, I don't really know where that came from with Eric. I don't know if there is anything there to begin with. But believe me when I say I never intended to hurt you. I'm not trying to get ahead, things just.... Happen sometimes."

"I know," he said. "And I haven't said a word to anyone about it, by the way. It's not my place to determine what needs to be known by anyone else, and I'd feel pretty exposed if someone did that to me. That, and Eric would probably push me into the river if I said anything."

"I'd push you into the river if you said anything." She grinned across the table. "But all jokes aside, there is nothing to say. We've trained, we kissed once and it was me who initiated it. I haven't seen him in a few days, and to be honest, I'm okay with whatever happens."

Jenner nodded. "I suppose now is when I say how smart you are and how you are able to make your own choices."

"Something like that." She felt everything ease between them.

"Speaking of making choices, how about that tattoo?" He grinned almost wickedly.

"Well, we aren't fighting anymore, and I want the placement on my back..." She pondered the idea. "I think tonight is a good a night as any."

They walked over the pit to where the tattoo shop was. Inside it was bright with a funky-lighting, and dark with an edgy style. Pillars with images of work that had been done were all throughout the shop, making it almost like a labyrinth inside. A tall man with tattoos upon his bald skull came out through the curtained over back, and smiled. "Tattoo virgins?"

"I am," Harper said, looking at Jenner.

"Me too, actually," he said; Harper had never seen much of his skin, and didn't know.

"Who's up first?"

"Me," Harper said with a confident grin. "I'd like a raven on my back, wings spread. I know it will be a few sittings."

"At least eight hours," he told her. "We can do two sittings, one tonight, one after you're healed, about two weeks."

"Perfect," Harper replied, looking at Jenner.

"Well, I guess I'm hooped for the night." He chuckled, "I can get mine done tomorrow, then."

"You won't stick around?"

"Nah, tattoos can be very... personal," he said, and Harper remembered she would have to take her top and bra off. Normally she was comfortable with this, but in front of Jenner, it seemed like it would be mean, awkward.

After it had been set up, Harper slid her black t-shirt over her head, and then removed her bra. She sat with her legs over the chair, her chest pressed against the black leather as she leaned over the back of the chair. Pulling her hair up high and twisting it into a bun like Eliza usually did, she felt the coldness of the lubricant upon her skin, and then the whir of the needle made her heart rate jump as if she had just felt Eric touch her.

 With the stencil upon her back, she felt as the artist moved along the outside of it, the head, the wings, the curled, sharp talons that looked as though they were about to capture prey. It took most of the four hours to get the outline of the bird, the feathers, and the face. The rest of the time was used for the shading. He started with the eyes, colouring them in with a pop of green as Harper had requested. The open beak, blending greys and blacks and some whites to make the raven really pop. He stopped after four hours to maximize healing time, and to give his own wrist a break. The wings and body still needed to be shaded in, but it was already stunning.

Harper held her breasts with her hands and looked in to the dual mirrors to get a good look at the first tattoo she had ever gotten. It stung and was red around the edges, more against the shoulder blades and over her shoulders, where the wings breached. Otherwise, it was not entirely painful, only sparks of pain every now and then. The artist, used a sheer plastic to cover the fresh wound, taping it to her skin. He frowned when he discovered she was an initiate, but gave her clear instructions on how to clean it and take care of it, approving that she at least waited until the more physical of the training was over, so that she wouldn't do any damage to it while it healed.

By the time she walked out of the parlour, a bag with her bra and a few cleaning essentials inside of it, the moon was shining through the pits glass roof. Adrenaline still pumped through her body, and she felt as elated as she ever had. The raven was a memory of her father, wicked smart, cunning, and suffered a gruesome death, which the raven was an omen for. It was her secret, no one needed to know the reason behind her tattoo, but it felt right to get something in memory for someone so influential to her. There would always be a piece of him in her heart, no matter what it was her heart desired.

"Harper," Eric's booming, confident voice startled her, and she turned to face him with a neutral expression, her thoughts on her father. "Did you just get a tattoo?"

"Oh, just the start of one." She blushed slightly, and she had no idea why.

"I'll have to see it when it's completed and healed." he said with a voice that suggested his thoughts were elsewhere. "I've been busy lately, how is your firearm training?"

She was glad the conversation was easy, instead of talking about their kiss. "Not bad, I've got the logistics of it down, but the aim is a bit off by the end of the day. Like my knives."

"Good." He pressed his lips together.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"I am." He smirked, his lips pulling to the side. He wanted to outright ask her everything, but he knew that the proper way to approach Harper's possible double-sided personality was to let her in. It was dangerous to do such things, because he knew he could lose his head in all of it, but if she could play that game, so could he. "Come on, I want to show you something."