XXII

" My heart is waiting to figure it out

Throw me something

Help me turn it around

What do we do when we're out of control?"

"Pulls Me Under" -Butterfly Boucher

"Harper, I need to ask one thing from you" Eric whispered, his lips pressed against her messy hair, still wet from the shower. He needed to shower, his body covered in slick sweat from the last twelve hours of being with Harper. Already things were feeling right between them, it felt as though she was supposed to be snuggled in against his side, her arms draped over his chest, his arms wrapped around her muscular body. He didn't want to bring this up right away, but it was imperative that they came to an agreement on the subject.

"Sure," she said casually, but she was scared. Scared of what might come from this request of Eric, what other questions and concerns might come between them. It was too early to have problems, but this relationship of theirs, it was born out of problems. Neither of them could deny that forever, but both of them wished to ignore it for the time being.

"We can't go public about this," he said, trying to keep himself composed. This could be a breaking point for Harper, but he had a feeling it wouldn't be.

She shifted slightly in his arms, the smell of sex still in the air from their morning encounter. "That's fine, can I ask why though?"

Eric pressed his lips tight together, wondering how he could word this without spilling everything. He pondered it for a minute, his grip on Harper tightening slightly. 

She noticed the shift in his body, and wondered how she was going to respond to this. Having a feeling about what he was going to say, she had to brace herself, keep the lie going, the lie that she didn't want to have to continue. But it wasn't her life that depended on it, it was all of Abnegation and people like Eliza's lives that depended on it.

He sighed. "You spoke with Jeanine the other day, right?"

"Yes," Harper replied, holding back the urge to say something rude about her.

"She's... headstrong."

"Yeah, I noticed that," Harper said. "I'd been in Erudite for almost seventeen years, I wasn't blind to her leadership.... Skills."

Eric thought about Harper's words, wondering if she had hatred towards Jeanine. He wondered if she knew he was involved at all, with anything. He wanted to know what she knew, but now was not the time to talk to her about that. He reminded himself that he was about to tell Harper that he wanted to remain on the down low in order to keep her safe from Jeanine, and that was a red flag in his mind. Jeanine scared a lot of people, but Eric knew the reasons why. She wasn't afraid to do what needed to be done, and if she thought Harper might be a distraction or even a threat, she might deal with her in ways Eric didn't want to think about.

"I don't question her leadership." He had to make that clear, he had to be firm. If Harper didn't like it, she could choose to leave now. But Jeanine had told him that she understood their goal, or at least some of it. He decided to leave it to Jeanine to decide what was okay for Harper to know, and where she should remain in the dark. "I do question some of her tactics."

"Just get to the point, Eric." Harper's heart was pounding in her chest.

He sighed. "I'm worried she will see you as a distraction, for me from my work, and try to pull something."

Harper inhaled through her nose, keeping herself calm. It was then that she realized just how close to the danger she had gotten herself. Jeanine herself had said that she thought Harper had a good head on her shoulders and could see the right path, because Harper had lied through her teeth about how she felt about her own father. That had hurt, saying such things, and still Eric was worried that Jeanine didn't trust her. Composing herself, Harper told herself what she had to do, what she had to say, and then she glanced up to look into Eric's eyes so that she could see what thought crossed them when she spoke.

She cleared her throat. "I understand why Jeanine saw a threat in me, I won't lie about my father and his... deluded ways. I don't know everything my father was up to, just like I don't know everything about Jeanine's leadership, her goals, anything. How can I? All I wanted was a normal life, like everyone else, and suddenly I was seen as a threat. Have a not proven myself yet? If you're scared Jeanine still sees me as a threat, convince her otherwise."

"Then she'll know," Eric said through gritted teeth; Harper saw that there was no distrust in his eyes towards her.

"Oh come on." Harper rolled her eyes. "I would bet that she is still keeping tabs on me."

Eric's chest rose high, and lowered slowly as he breathed out, dragging out the moment before he had to reply to Harper. They hadn't even discussed anything, not really. They had been so utterly vague about what the other knew. Eric wanted to know if she knew about Abnegation, about Divergents, he wanted to know what it was okay to talk to her about, but all of that would have to wait until he spoke to Jeanine, and he felt like a child needing permission from a parent. He shook his head. 

"I'm not sure," he lied. "Just take my word that I want to keep you safe, and to do that, we have to remain-"

"Hidden," she replied softly, she wasn't sure how true the next bit was; "I trust you."

He didn't say it back, because he had no idea who he trusted. It was amazing how confused Harper was able to make him, and he knew that it was bad, especially if Jeanine saw it. It could be fatal for Harper, but apparently that was a risk that she was willing to take. Eric just clung to the fact that the serum was still a few years away, and that he could enjoy that time with Harper for now. And if she turned out to understand his side of things, the things that they could do together. They could be a power team, or a ticking time bomb.

"I just have one thing to ask," Harper said after a few minutes.

"Nope, you already got your question of the day," Eric said sternly, but couldn't stop the grin on his face.

Harper looked up at him from her position on his chest and shook her head, rolled her eyes playfully. And then everything felt serious again, and she felt something clutch her heart tightly, making it hurt a little bit. "Did all of this begin from... Jeanine telling you to keep an eye on me?"

Eric's smile shrunk, and he ran his hand up and down her back and over her tattoo lightly, sending shivers down her spine. "No, to be completely honest, all of this began from you."

"Me?" Harper had to scoff. "I was hostile towards you."

"Yeah, what was that all about?"

"Friendly competition?"

"See, that there," Eric said. "There is just something about you."

Harper smiled, wanting to nestle in his arms for the rest of the day, but having things to do, people to talk to. She groaned after a few minutes and shook her head against him, and then huffed. Both of them seemed to understand that there were things to do; it was nearly noon and Eric hadn't gotten out of bed yet, that was a first. Normally he was busying himself with his work, exercise, training, anything but lying in bed at this hour. To be fair, though, he had good reason to be enjoying himself; things were starting to seem like they would work out, even if there were still a few kinks to be sorted out.

When Harper had dressed, Eric was coming out of the shower, his hair wet and slicked back. It looked darker under such circumstances. With a towel draped around his hips and the rest of his body on full display, Harper smirked. "You trying to keep me around a little longer?"

Eric grinned; sometimes he wondered if Harper was really real, or if his mind had finally snapped under pressure. "I'm not going to confirm nor deny that."

Harper walked up to him and got on her tip toes. Eric assisted by wrapping a single arm around her waist, to keep her balanced, and he brought his lips to hers. Quick and to the point, Harper pulled back, her head slightly spinning. She knew now why people often screwed up their lives for relationships; they were exceptionally intoxicating. "I'll see you around."

And she was gone.

***

The initiates were allowed to stay in the living quarters until they found alternative living situations, so Harper headed back there to change into something else. She had not talked to Carson about meeting up, getting a start on things, but she decided that her best bet to get her day going was to find her. After she finished lacing up her boots, she took off to find Carson. The dormitory was left completely empty aside from a few bags, and she wondered where everyone had gone to. Were they all finding jobs? Were they all enjoying some free time after weeks of tedious and gruelling training? It didn't really matter, but she had to admit that she was worried about Eliza. Jeanine was too close, she stuck around Dauntless too often, and if she was searching for Divergents, she would find them sooner or later. Eliza had made it through the training and initiation, though, and that was probably the best way to spot Divergents.

Harper found Carson when she was just leaving the Mess Hall. "Carson!"

The black-haired woman turned; she was so beautiful, she looked perfect in every way. She nodded politely. "Not even a day after becoming Dauntless; you are eager, aren't you?"

"Call me a perfectionist," Harper joked. "I am hoping we can start our training soon."

Carson studied the young woman, there was a brightness in her eyes that she recognized as infatuation. It was a dangerous emotion, one that Carson had cast away a long time ago. Truth was, she had been head over heels for Xander when they first met, and things had gone south quickly. It took a while before she recovered, and things between them were normal, like friends. She wondered who Harper was so infatuated with, and wondered if it was going to be healthy or dangerous for her. Sometimes, when things broke, they were never repaired properly. But sometimes, when something broke inside of a person, they became a stronger person all together. Carson had endured heartbreak years ago, and she came out stronger. She just hoped that Harper would be the same, because all things came to an end eventually. Especially young love.

She decided not to dwell on that, however. Things would come up when they were supposed to, topics could be ignored for a period of time until they were relevant. She decided she would let Harper enjoy what she wanted to enjoy, and hopefully give her something to focus on if anything went astray. 

She smiled at Harper. "We can start today, there is something I need to talk to you about."

"Oh?" Harper hoped that her job was still possible, and that it wasn't going to be a competition between her and other initiates. "May I ask what?"

"Not here." Carson's voice was low, dark.

Harper felt something twist inside of her. What did Carson know?