Dear the girl who is sorry about her late reply,

I'll admit I got a bit freaked out when Hedwig came with no letter. I would've contacted the Order then and there if it hadn't been for Hedwig acting so calm. I knew that if she was freaking out then something would've been wrong but I knew you were fine from how calm and collected she was.

Of course I'm not mad at you. I could never get mad at you. Besides, we correspond through letters, so a few late replies are bound to happen. You never complain when my letters turn up a week or two late so I won't complain either. Though I did miss your replies.

Ron always used to complain about Errol, but now he just complains about Pig (his own owl). Errol is very unreliable but he eventually gets the job done. I sent Errol to rest a bit in the schools Owlery because he's definitely had better days. I think it's best that Hedwig sends this letter to you and then Errol can fly back to you whenever he's up for it.

I'm so glad you are being sarcastic about Valentines day. I thought for a second I was going to have to pretend to be excited about it. I've definitely had some of my worst experiences on Valentines day.

Honestly, I must say, as disgusting as the red and pink streamers and the constant loop of love songs all day sounds, I have seen and heard of worse things.

No we don't have dressed up angels but you've reminded me of Valentines day in my second year. Let me tell you El, I still have nightmares about it to this day. It is burned vividly in my mind.

Let me paint you the picture.

It's second year, the Chamber of Secrets is being opened and it's Valentines day. I walk into the Great Hall expecting nothing but the ordinary but no, I walk in and my eyes are burning with the amount of pink covering the Great Hall. Pink flowers and heart shaped confetti as well. Lockhart and Umbridge would've been great friends actually.

Anyway, just to jog your memory, Lockhart is a fraud. The teacher who was arrogant and admittedly quite pathetic.

Anyway, so he stands up during the feast (as if the decorations weren't bad enough) and tells us that today during classes we might have visitors which were cupid's flying around delivering Valentines.

Anyway it wasn't a particularly good day for me.

Yes, you definitely should prefer your school during Valentines than mine.

I agree about Snivellus and Pettigrew. But then again, my father wouldn't have been friends with him if he had been evil, so I think (or like to think) that maybe Peter had been a good person once upon a time.

Thanks for saying that El. I'd like to think I make them proud too. I don't know if I've ever told you this but everyone says I'm the spitting image of my father, apart from my eyes. I have my mothers green eyes.

I would've loved to have been brought up by Remus or Snuffles. I know now why I was brought up by the Dursleys but when I was younger, before I knew of Hogwarts, I used to dream of some long lost relative or even a complete stranger coming to rescue me from the Dursleys.

I know I was brought to the Dursleys because of the enchantment that keeps me safe but that doesn't mean I don't wish everyday that I had better relatives or that my parents were still alive.

Anyway, I know it's sad and unfair but I learned the hard way that wishing does nothing but make you more sad because you grow up and realise that this is your reality and nothing, not even wishing or dreaming is going to change that. It is what it is.

I don't know if I would've liked being in an orphanage. I know I would've been away from the Dursleys, but Tom grew up in an orphanage and look at how that turned out. It would've also been one more similarity me and Tom share and I don't think I can deal with that.

You don't have to apologise to me El. Never.

This is why I love you. Only you can compliment me and then insult me in the same sentence. If I do manage to get a decent grade in Potions, it'll be a miracle.

I think Ron and Hermione know exactly what they are doing. They give eachother looks when they think I'm not looking. Don't get me wrong, I know they're still my friends and I don't think their intentions are to be mean or malicious. I know they are just concerned about me, but how they are acting is making me feel like a freak.

But what you said hit me El. I asked myself, am I acting differently? At first I thought no and then I thought back and I still couldn't see myself acting differently but then I was sat with them in the Common Room this evening and I noticed things. I noticed that when they gave eachother wary looks it was because I was pacing. I noticed when they shared concerned looks it was because I was rubbing my scar. I noticed their scared looks and it was only when I felt unexplainable anger rush through me.

I've told you before but this anger in me has gotten no better. I can't help it and it comes out of nowhere.

I feel guilty because it was my fault all along. Ron and Hermione weren't acting weird or differently, it was me. I was the one who changed.

I'm scared. I don't like what I am; what I'm becoming.

I shouted at the pair of them in the Common Room. I can't even remember why. I just felt angry. Angry at myself. Angry at them. Angry at Voldemort. Angry at Umbridge. Angry at Hogwarts. Angry at the world.

I left without saying goodnight to them. I left without apologising. I want to go back down to them. To tell them I'm sorry but I don't know how. I don't know if they even want to talk to me right now. Merlin Ellie, what is happening to me? And how long have I been like this?

I know Ron and Hermione have been acting differently for a while but I never knew it was because of me. I have no idea how long I've been acting like such a prat. What if it's always been like this and now I'm only just realizing?

No. I know I haven't been like this forever. It started this year, I know that much. It doesn't make how I act okay, but at least I know I haven't been a douchebag my whole life.

I think it started to get really bad leading up to when I found out Mr. Weasley had been attacked and I had that nightmare about you. I remember feeling really angry then. I remember feeling really angry when I was in Dumbledore's office, explaining to him what happened to Mr. Weasley I remember wanting to attack him. I think that was the first time I realised something was wrong with me.

See, look, now I'm the one rambling. I'm a mess. I'm sorry you had to read that.

Hey, maybe I won't send it at all and you'll never know I wrote this. Maybe I'll burn it and pretend this never happened.

I won't even bother finishing this letter because I know I'll get rid of it in the morning. Right now, I'm going to go to sleep. It's not even late but I honestly can't be bothered for anything else, so I'll sign it off here.

Love,

the boy who is as far from golden as you can get.

Harry fully intended to get up in the morning and destroy the letter he wrote. He would write a new one. One that was happy and less depressing. One that wasn't filled with teenage angst. Although he knew Eleanor wouldn't at all mind the letter in which he vented his feelings for what felt like the millionth time, he was scared that if she read this it would scare her off and she would leave.

After all, he was terrified of himself so he could only imagine what Eleanor would feel when she read that stupid letter. Harry shivered at the mere thought of it.

But when Harry awoke early the next morning, the letter had gone. Panic hit him, thinking maybe that one of the boys had picked it up and read it. Merlin, he would be teased endlessly.

But then he looked to the boys dorm window and it was open ajar and he knew with even more mounting panic that Hedwig had took it and was now flying towards Eleanor.

(When I wrote this I did not intend for this letter to end the way it has. I'm not mad about it actually but I feel like this book is getting more and more depressing.)