it is my fault
no matter how many times you say it isn't
no matter how much reassurance you give me

i know it's my fault
and i also know that it isn't my fault
and i also know that you want me to stop
to stop beating myself up over it
but before i stop, you should know why I started

first.
i couldn't talk to you about it

i talked to other friends weeks before i told you
when i finally did tell you,
i couldn't even build up the courage
the courage to ask if you were there first
the courage to tell you in person

i sent a long message starting with
"i'm going on a rant and i don't even know when you'll see this"

that was a pretty shitty move

what's worse?
i've done it before.
we were together, i wanted a break
i had my break and we restarted.
that didn't even last a year

you said you understood.
i thought
"oh thank god it's mutual"
because i misinterpreted.
i thought you felt the same

but all that happened,
was you taking note of the way i felt before i did

you picked up on the signals i didn't even know I was laying down.

you saw me drift away.

what i'm saying in this long winded way,
is sorry

i'm sorry that you knew i didn't feel the same before i even told you

i'm sorry I couldn't have talked to you as soon as i realized.

maybe if i had, we would've worked it out.

second.
songs

when i try to find songs to listen to.
songs about the woes of a quiet aftermath

all I get are songs about the other person being a dick
songs about being better
songs about being heartbroken
songs about being treated wrong

and i find myself wondering if you feel that way

no matter how many times you say "i still love you"
i worry that later on you think of me when listening to the artists we share

listening to songs about a past relationship and this time I'm the bad guy

I'm trying to slowly move on.
trying to find a way to become friends the way we were before

i think it's working so far.
i hope it is.
i hope one day nothing is weird in between us and we can laugh and smile and cry and talk before we happened.
like in elementary, when we made up games and chased each other around. i want that again, and i do think we're getting there.

so this is my formal apology.
for you to see, and maybe others.

first loves often don't last. but i'm glad ours was happy while it was going on. and i hope you know i don't regret any of it now. i don't think I ever will. i did love you. and i always will, in different ways than before, but love all the same.

so thank you. for the lesson. for the love. and for helping me realize my mistakes. you deserve someone who can care for you more than i could. we both deserve happiness. and i hope we both get it.

- Nat