Genre: Teen Fiction
Chapters: Prologue, Chapters 1-2
NBR winning critique!

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PROLOGUE

I. ELOCUTION

a. Major Grammar Corrections

~ "Harlot and whore are hardly..." - You might consider putting each name she's called in their own quotations, just for the sake of the extra clarity.

~ "She was a kind, but distant, woman before." - The comma placement makes this read awkwardly. Try "She was a kind but distant woman, before."

b. Major Style Corrections

~ You might consider putting her mother's voice in quotations as well as the italics, just to stylistically separate those sections from her own thoughts.

~ "Rather than allowing her criticism of me to destroy me..." - This is a total nitpick, but it might flow better if you remove "of me" after "criticism", just to remove the repetition of "me".

II. PLOT

1) Primary Points

- Meri considers suicide
- Meri remembers her mother's first abuse
- Meri remembers her mom's "good side"
- Meri stops considering suicide

2) Logos: Consistency, Logicality, Understandability, and Realism

~ Let's start with this section: "Seven years later, I still think it's my fault. I did something to make her snap. I've been trying ever since to make her happy." There are a few other places in the chapter that convey this same sort of message: she believes she is at fault for her mother's behavior. This concept is just fine. However, the way the narrator speaks of it is contradictory. Here's how.

Before I get into that, though, I might note that she seems to have at least a few symptoms in common with BPS.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battered_person_syndrome

Highlighted: "the abused thinks that the violence is their fault". I have no clue yet if the mother-daughter relationship goes through the same cycles as BPS (though it certainly sounds like it), but at least some amount of it is the same.

Now, for how that ties in. "I claim to believe that this thing is true" does not sound as convincing as "I know that this is true". Each has their uses and proper placement, but in a case of BPS (or even just a case of abuse) such as this, there would likely not be much of a doubt in her mind as to the fact that it is her fault. She is speaking as if she understands that her belief is irrational ("I STILL think", etc.). Now, if she were looking BACK at an old mentality she used to have (AKA, narrating from the future), all this would be fixed, assuming she has, in this future, come out of her inaccurate beliefs. However, you write this in present tense, so this can't be the case. Really, the point of this is that she seems to acknowledge, as a narrator, to the reader that her beliefs are just that: beliefs, partially invalidating the fact they would be cemented into her identity as is common with the guilt that plagues abuse victims. The best fixes for this would be to either write the prologue in past tense or, more simply, to fix these places to make her statements more definitive, and less like she is acknowledging that there could be any other truth (that she could be wrong in thinking she is at fault).

~ This is the nitpick to top all nitpicks, but you're so nearly flawless I have to put something here, even if it's small. XD In the sentence "She snapped seven years ago, and nothing..." I think it is unnecessary to put "seven" in there. Unless there is something especially significant to her about how it was seven years ago, just saying it was years ago seems like a more realistic thought process. Plus, you mention it again in the next paragraph, which means it really couldn't hurt to take this one out. I know you probably put it in there to remind the reader that she's seventeen, but I kind of have a slight pet peeve about exposition being forced in dialogue, though maybe too much so. This is probably just me.

III. COMMENTARY

First off, I absolutely love the caption on the cover. It flows wonderfully and carries a ton of meaning and emotion in so few words. It's perfect. However, it may be a bit too long to be on the cover itself. Still, I love it as a single-sentence synopsis/hook for the story.

Structurally speaking, this chapter is nearly flawless. I had almost nothing to critique grammar wise, just a few awkward commas was really it. AWESOME job. I think my only structural critique would be sentence type variation. There were a lot of stop-and-start sentences, all lined up. Each one is very powerful, but they get all bunched up and sound funny in the flow. The third paragraph, for example. There is only one single comma in the whole of it. Each sentence is a straight read, with no breaks (commas) to give that tiny mental breather that lets the reader process and keeps the flow sounding vocally realistic. I LOVE those kinds of sentences, and you use them phenomenally, they just need to be interspersed with other types in order to retain their impact and keep from interrupting the flow.

Now that we've got structure down, let's look at the plot. You open with her considering suicide: a bold but appropriate move. That could scare a reader away, but those probably aren't the readers you want anyway. They need to be able to stomach the gravity of the topic in order to get anything out of books like this, and you shouldn't feel any need to change your story to accommodate them if they can't or won't. This kind of thing really happens and it's really cool of you to bring it into a story like this.

Anywho, your first line draws the reader in pretty well, and your first paragraph does as well. Not extraordinary, but they work well enough.

Meri, as mentioned above, seems like an almost textbook case of BPS (Battered Persons Syndrome). She suffers verbal and physical abuse at the hands of someone she cares for, yet instead of leaving, is locked in a cycle of fear and love. Her mother seems to rotate (if infrequently) between drunk/high and abusive, and desperately broken and needy. This fuels Meri's self-blame/atonement cycles, and they bounce off of each other in an infinite downward spiral. It's truly very sad, but very realistic, which I commend you for. Note that her tireless optimism can be irritating to a reader, but that doesn't mean you should change it. I think where you showed her debating both sides of her thought process at the end was a good way of countering that frustration effect it may have.

The last half of the chapter does a great job of showing the BPS mindset, implying the cycles of good and bad as well as showing how she feels as if her abuser is justified and rationalizes her mom's actions by blaming herself. BPS on the nose. You have clearly communicated her situation as far as I can see (other than the note made in the Logos section about the contradiction).

I think the point where you reeled me in was where you started telling about her tenth birthday. There's a thing that I do when I am utterly enthralled and desperate to know more, and when I do it, I know that that's what I am. Basically, I end up almost skimming the paragraphs in order to get to what I want to know faster, and I have to force myself to slow down and read everything carefully. This usually happens to me when I am sucked into an intense action scene or a high emotional point. This is a HUGE plus to me, because it means that you have ALREADY got me emotionally invested (to some degree) in what is happening: so much that you got me sucked in barely a few paragraphs into the prologue. I genuinely wanted to know what it was that had caused such a drastic change in her mother's relationship with her. So much I nearly skipped ahead involuntarily. I can't think of any way to reel people in more, really, than what you've already got. Big bonus kudos to you.

I only noticed the part about the letter the second time around! That implies so many different things, and now I'm bursting with ideas and curiosity about what exactly happened. Did the letter cause her to snap? What did it say? So much more, all packed into one discreet little sentence that is absolute perfection. Well done.

Overall, I keep coming back to the same word: flawless. I had a little less than normal to say because it was both shorter and I had less to critique, but I'm super excited to read on!

Update: After reading ahead to the next chapter, I'll answer #1. I feel that the prologue doesn't hurt your story, but it doesn't necessarily help it either. It seems that there is no big time skip in between the prologue and first chapter, nor is there a perspective change. I tend to agree with the people below: I think it would serve better as a first chapter, because even I have fallen down the hole of skipping prologues. It really is a dramatic and epic piece of writing, but I think prologues have too much cynicism surrounding them, and the function of this chapter doesn't meet the criteria for a necessary prologue.

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CHAPTER 1

I. ELOCUTION

a. Major Grammar Corrections

~ "...including money and her body. One who won't leave her once he's got that..." - Since you're referring to two things ("money" and "body"), it should be "those", not "that".

~ "He skates along getting involved in anyone's business..." - For the sake of flow, there should be a comma after "along".

~ "You where those things inside too half the time." - Should be "wear".

b. Major Style Corrections

~ "It's the expected, subservient answer. But I mean it." - I think you could break up the aforementioned stop-and-start feel here by combining these with another comma instead of a period.

~ "She could have thrown me out and saved money, but she didn't." - Since you aren't addressing any specific point in time, it may have more of an impact on the reader if you make it "present tense": "She could throw me out at any time and save money, yet she doesn't."

~ "One who won't demand everything from her, including money and her body." - I can't pinpoint what it is, but something about the wording of this feels off. Maybe a bit juvenile? I'm not sure, but it stuck with me, so maybe it would be worth simply rewording it a little in case.

~ "Grimacing, I grab my threadbare sweater..." - You just used the word "threadbare" to describe her jeans a couple sentences ago. Consider a different word just to keep from unnecessary repetition, like "worn" or "battered".

~ "...soaking my jeans and going through the worn fabric to my legs." - The word "going" here feels very off and out of place. Consider rewording like: "...soaking my jeans and through the worn fabric onto my legs."

~ "...shakes me from my reverie..." - "Reverie", by definition, implies a "pleasant daydream". Considering the context, it may be better to use a different word, like "musings".

~ "It's more than I deserve for sure." - I think this would be more powerful without the "for sure", but if it is to be kept, it would flow better with a comma after "deserve".

~ "This is how he always is." - This is a nitpick, but this sentence feels a bit reversed in terms of normal word order. It might sound better if you reorder it like "He's always like this."

~ "He skates along getting involved in anyone's business..." - First of all, "skates" feels like a strange word to describe his actions in this case. Second, "everyone else's" would flow better than "anyone's".

~ "He never speaks. I panic." - I feel like this would have a much stronger impact and raise tension higher if you switched the order of the sentences to: "I panic. He never speaks." This justifies the panic afterward, rather than before, which seems to enhance the rising tension.

~ "She doesn't deserve to get in trouble for giving my due punishment for misdemeanors." - The repetition of "for" here feels... repetitive. Consider replacing the first instance with "over".

II. PLOT

1) Primary Points

- Meri escapes the morning ritual of violence
- Meri boards the bus
- The bus driver asks what she is hiding
- Bullies find her bruises

2) Logos: Consistency, Logicality, Understandability, and Realism

~ "What are you hiding?" - This feels like a very... strange thing for an adult to say, especially a bus driver to a student. Your establishing of the fact he is unusual may cover for this, but it may not. I feel like an adult would not be so blunt about it in a public place, where other people could interject into the conversation like that. I remember that once in middle school, a teacher came up to me after class and asked if I was alright. I told him yes and asked why, and he said I had a bruise on my neck. It turned out to be a strangely colored patch of dirt, in a place that would have fit well for if I'd been physically abused. But the point is that he waited until after class, until after the hallway was empty, before he came up to me and asked, first, a subtle question, then when prompted to elaborate, a more specific one. Moreover, I feel he would have been more likely to report his concerns to a superior in the school district rather than confront her directly, especially in that environment. I do suppose it may depend on the kind of school she goes to/area she lives in. I may be being nitpicky, but this felt like it was just a tad too blunt for the sake of realism.

~ On a similar note, I feel like the fact the entire bus singled her out for analysis is a bit unrealistic. I've fallen into that trope before, having the MC be the center of the bullying, but I've also been on buses before; many different kinds. On all of them, the bus itself was very noisy, the students were talking with each other too much, and even if it were silent, issues between students were often kept contained to a few surrounding seats at most. The entire bus engaging her on something so trivial on the surface feels a bit out of place, like they would have been more likely to stare at her curiously/suspiciously, make an offhanded comment, and return to their own conversations. Again, I know my experience isn't the only one, so maybe this is actually fine. I can't really know, I can only share my experience and critique as honestly as I can. I also know that this scene served a specific plot function, and that it would be difficult to replace. Still, it is best to be aware of it.

~ I also can't speak to Meri's mindset for sure, but I think that she would be more skilled at evasion. She seems as if she would be conscientious of her microsignals, like when she doesn't look at the driver. It would have made more sense for her to turn back quickly and force a confused expression of some sort at the "what are you hiding" question. And sitting at the back? Unless the bus is empty, it's likely to be full, because I've never seen a bus where people didn't try to sit in the back first, especially the more troublesome kids. She would likely have not had room, or had to be a few seats up from the back. She doesn't seem to handle the consequent barrage of questions very subtly, her silence seeming to scream in agreement to all their accusations. If she's desperate to keep attention away from her, wouldn't she respond, at least attempting to deny it all believably? I suppose she could be so affected by everything by now that she is too scared to try, but I would think that if that were the case, she would have been caught with other bruises/cuts at earlier dates, when she would have been younger and even WORSE at hiding things.

III. COMMENTARY

First off, I love the name Meri. It's really pretty. However, you only mention it in the chapter title of the Prologue. As of the story itself, we have no idea what her name is. You did have her mention it while talking to herself in the Prologue, but that didn't feel like a strong enough usage of it to cement it into the readers' minds. Maybe you could have her mother mention it in the conversation? Something small and subtle to at least give the reader a name for the face.

The structure feels the same as the last chapter: nearly flawless, except for the stop-and-start sections. I won't get into that anymore, I think I covered it sufficiently in the previous chapter.

I wouldn't have even guessed you had a description problem. A lot of people tend to go over or under, but I think with how conscientious you seem to be about it, you hit it right on the nose and got it just right. It flowed perfectly well into the story, not distracting the reader but giving them just enough of an image to understand and basically visualize everything that happens. You also use more than just sight, which is even better! The parts on the steps and with her cuts are great examples of this.

On to plot! You take us through Meri's late morning routine, as she escapes her mother's daily dose of wrath, boards the bus, and is battered by the overly suspicious occupants of the said bus. There is a lot of sad but realistic contradiction going on in Meri's mind in the midst of all this. She has thus far spoken of how much she deserves her mistreatment, and that has been her reality. But when she steps out into the real world, she has to come to terms some way or another with the fact that, even if she is to believe she deserves it, the rest of the world is not of the same opinion. She reconciles this conflict with the belief that she must socially isolate herself, keep out of the "spotlight" in order to keep the world's "misguided" attentions away from her "normal and well-deserved" lifestyle. Readers can instantly and consciously FEEL this gap in reasoning, and it is grave, saddening, and invoking of sympathy for the character in a way that feels not at all angsty, but much warranted.

Even simple things such as implied inflection speak volumes about her personality and the mother-daughter relationship. Like how she ends her request for a note with "maybe?". This seems almost tacked on as a fearful afterthought, as though if she didn't put it there, she was afraid her mother would perceive it as a demand and warranting of punishment. She seems to flow with the story, evolving into a 3D person that we can feel moving and feeling as her thoughts progress. Also when she mentions her emotions over her clothes not being "long enough". This implies that her mother doesn't buy her any new clothes, which implies even more about her social life and their relationship. Such microexpressions as these are great subliminal messaging to the reader indicating what is going on without being blatant, and I applaud you for finding so many ways to do this.

There is an appreciative bit of dry humor here and there that definitely evokes a sympathetic half-chuckle from the reader, and you really seem to know how to utilize subtlety to your (and the readers') benefit. You are a very talented storyteller!

I hope you don't take the Logos section as me slaughtering your work. I think you've got a great chapter here, I just think the point you're trying to get across with this last scene could be communicated in a more realistic fashion. Note that the Logos is also pretty far into nitpick territory, and could easily be explained away entirely with just a couple inserted sentences here and there for the lacking context. Please don't be discouraged by the critique, that wasn't the intent! I'm truly in love with your writing.

Overall, another fantastic chapter that could mostly just use some polishing and refinement to the specifics of the plot. I again mention how talented you are. Oh, and I forgot to congratulate you for getting Champion Reviewer!

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CHAPTER 2

I. ELOCUTION

a. Major Grammar Corrections

~ "Maybe not, but no one else has ever showed you..." - I believe it should be "shown".

~ "I accept his hand up..." - This wording is a bit confusing. I might rewrite it like "I accept his hand and let him pull me up..."

~ "When I can I return it?" - I believe the repetition of "I" is a typo.

~ I'd like to note you spell Milan's last name two different ways: "Servson" in the first case, and "Serveson" in the second. I'm not sure which is correct.

b. Major Style Corrections

~ "My life's been anything but." - Having a non-conventional contraction in the narration feels strange. I'd suggest just saying "life has".

~ "My name is strange. But tragically ironic..." - This would flow much better if you combined them with a comma rather than making them individual sentences.

~ "Ever since I started going to this highschool..." - Unless the fact she's going to THIS highschool is specifically important, it would do the sentence better on the fronts of flow and emotional impact to remove the word "this".

II. PLOT

1) Primary Points

- Meri is tripped by bullies, rescued by Milan
- Milan attempts to befriend Meri, but is brushed off
- In the cafeteria, Meri breaks down while thinking of her mother
- Milan attempts to comfort her
- Milan and Meri are bullied
- Meri runs off

2) Logos: Consistency, Logicality, Understandability, and Realism

~ The entire interaction between her and the boy sent up several warning flags in my mind. Him being there to catch in her in the nick of time is one thing, but it's not an easily replaceable thing, and I can't really fault you for it even if it is a bit cliched. However, I would imagine most people would simply ask if she were okay and then walk off a bit unsure when she said yes. He gives her his jacket? Then doesn't want it back? Then later, holds her hand in front of everyone? All of these things seem rather startlingly intimate, not something you'd see from someone you've known for all of ten seconds. He seems almost instantly like her best friend, and that really doesn't make sense to me for a teen boy who just met her and doesn't seem instantly smitten. I mean it's not impossible, and I suppose if you're using him as more of a metaphor than anything else, you've got it just right, but unless that's the case, he feels too good to be true: too convenient and coincidental. Now when I get to character analysis, I'll find all the possible justifications for this, but this is one side of the coin to consider (the cynical realism side, at least).

~ All this doesn't sound like the kind of mental state she's only just coming to. She seems to have been in it for a long while, seeing as there is no proof otherwise. And the bullies don't seem to be taking interest in her for the first time. Again, with how bad she is at hiding her state, I'm wondering if it's realistic for her to not have been caught by now.

~ I like her reason for giving the name "Heidi". It was realistic and slightly funny, since it's such an uncommon name. XD

~ I assume she can't get a school lunch because her mom won't pay for it.

~ Meri says her Mom had a psychotic break. Is that term correct? If so, I wonder how she holds down any kind of job, or goes unnoticed in society with some form of psychosis running through her mind. Neurosis might be a better term. (Although, even if that is what it is, Meri may only know it by the former term, which would make sense, but could confuse the reader.)

~ To expand on a note made in the critique on the previous chapter: the bullying. I've seen and been subject to bullying. It has never been like this. It's always been much more subtle. People, I notice, don't normally tend to make it their appointed duty to make a single person's life miserable. Especially not ALL the people in her grade. She may get pushed around or snubbed in general, but I don't think they would have called Milan out on it. However, all this could be explained away if Meri has a specific history with the group of kids bullying her.

~ I agree with the below comments that "You choose to consort with this harlot?" is a bit complex for a highschool boy, much less a rather immature and unintelligent one such as Erick.

III. CHARACTER ANALYSIS

|| - Meri - ||

You have painted in the readers' minds quite the tragic figure (and very clearly, mind you). Meri is a victim of horrific crimes against human decency. Her abuse seems to have taken a toll on her in every imaginable way. She's developed coping mechanisms that revolve around an unhealthy degree of acceptance of her situation. She rationalizes everything her abuser does, including hating her. This, in turn leads to her hating herself. She senses her mother's internal suffering, and as part of this rationalization process, Meri blames herself for it.

Her interactions with Milan do give us at least a small bit more of insight into things. This is probably the one thing that cements in my mind her BPS: she expected that he knew she was lying. That's the only symptom of BPS that hadn't matched up til now, but now I'm certain; the victim believes the abuser is omniscient and knows everything, that they can't get away with anything. She lets that fear carry over into her other interactions, which is how she expects him to know that she is lying. Even if he uses common sense and intuition to guess that she's lying, he can't really know, but her attitude seems to be CERTAIN that he knows, and that he should be physically punishing her for it. When he doesn't, she takes him to be nice, and, in a sense, "rewards" him. She changes her perspective from protecting herself and her Mom to protecting HIM.

Her seeming haphephobia (fear of touch) is also an extremely realistic and well-thought of touch to her BPS side effects. It makes total sense: the person who was supposed to love her spends her time abusing her instead, and touch is a negative concept to her now. Now this nice person tries to touch her, and her battle instincts kick in, fight-or-flight flooding her mind so that she is paralyzed with the need to escape. It seems irrational from the outside (say, from Milan's PoV), but it makes total sense and I appreciate the added realism.

She also seems to have an inaccurate view of authority, which is more than understandable. She seems to think that she is eternally sentenced (and deserving of) the submissive and lesser roles in society, and is willing to take orders from anyone (including Karla and the bullies) if she thinks they "keep her in her place".

It's all entirely possible, in contradiction with my logicality critiques, that she could have made it this far without being caught. The logicality critique assumes that she has been exactly like this for a long time. She could also have spiraled down into this over a few years. If that were the case, maybe now she breaks down at the slightest provocation, but maybe she didn't used to. Maybe this is all a massive build up that is just waiting to be released, and the increasingly frequent breakdowns are just a symptom of that.

I would, however, enjoy seeing some more development on the front of how she behaves in situations that have less to do with her abuse. That may or may not be possible, considering how it seems to dominate her life, but I could have used a bit of a breather (even just a small one) from it. Each chapter has ended with her hiding and crying to some degree.

|| - Milan - ||

I have a feeling Milan will be an interesting character. He comes in just in the nick of time to catch Meri, which may or may not be coincidental, and instantly seems compelled to help her. He offers her his jacket, introduces himself, and seems to have self-assigned himself to the task of tending to her. I don't know if this is a trait unique to him being around her (which would be cliche) or a general personality trait of his (which would be interesting), but I will assume the latter and analyze with that.

The source of this type of personality (being so open to strangers and actively willing to help them despite the social strangeness of it) will be an interesting thing to see. He seems to be more desperate to help her the more she rejects him. I think he is the kind of person who gets his fulfillment from helping those in need. Maybe an INFP. He may be most attracted (outside the context of romance/sex) to those who need more help than others, which would explain his sticking to Meri like glue for this chapter when he really had no reason to.

Even his name seems to be pointing toward his role in the story. Just shy of having the word "serve" in it, I wonder if that was intentional.

I think more of his personality will be revealed as the story goes on (of course), but this is all I could gather for now.

|| - Mom - ||

Despite the fact she hardly had an actual line in the story, there are many predictions to be made from Meri's mental descriptions of her behavior. My prediction is that it all comes down to something that happened with that letter. Something in that letter broke her, and now she's letting herself drown. She apparently gets "crossfaded" (both drunk and high) a lot, which must come from her desperation to forget herself and fake "happy" hormones. She doesn't get any real fulfillment from that, though, which leads into two different things.

One, her frequent shift in sexual partners. Sleeping around is another symptom of her apparent agony. When drowning it in drugs doesn't work, she turns to sex, forcing pleasure on herself in a very temporary and unfulfilling way. However, believing it to be better than going without it, she lets it happen every week, not seeming to mind that her partners are probably taking more advantage of her than she is of them. Even if she is looking for love, I don't think she honestly believes she's going to find it like that. I think she just likes the concept, but is really out to drown her misery for a night.

And two, she takes out her frustration over how all of this doesn't seem to work to her satisfaction on poor Meri. All considering the third paragraph of the commentary section (the one about their non-biological relationship), she may feel even less remorse than would be expected over it, considering that situation. We have yet to see much of her actual screen time -- er, page time -- so we can only assume reality aligns with Meri's telling of it (although considering her mental state, that may not be a good assumption to make). Either way, she will obviously play a huge part in the story and I'm interested to see it all unfold.

IV. COMMENTARY

(Most of the commentary was covered in the logicality and character analysis sections this chapter, so this will be the leftovers.)

I think I'm gonna like where this plot is going. There were several rather cliche seeming elements in it, but I don't feel like it's going to be cliche overall, and I'm genuinely curious about everything. Like this whole Millie Foster incident. That was a good thing to mention to pique said curiosity in the reader.

I did read through a few comments below and I see that her "Mom" isn't actually her mother? That adds so many more layers to everything — and I LOVE layers.

So far, it seems like we don't actually have much to go on about who Meri is or why we should invest in the story. The first chapter was great for establishing her situation, but I don't feel like we get any new information here. She seems generally broken and like she's optimistic and altruistic. But really, we don't have a clue about her personality. I felt my interest starting to wane a bit as the chapter progressed: it started feeling like she was constantly reiterating the same thoughts to herself at every turn. About how her mother is still in there, about how if she can just be good enough, all that. Exploring the characters internally is great, but I'm curious about her external situation. I want to see the present, not just watch her reminisce about the past as she recedes further into her own mind. We did get a bit more present in this chapter, but it felt a bit... off. It had too much of the same over and undertones as the previous two, which I think is what gave it the repetitive feel.

(I want to note that this next part is a bit... hard to write, for me. I don't want to sound insensitive to her situation, which is terrible and realistic, but I'm also trying to analyze this as a writer and a reader. Just keep that in mind...) One thing is that the feel of this chapter was... almost tired. It was very much similar to the previous, and I don't feel it expanded on her personality in any way that couldn't have been easily predicted. I think its contents could be easily melded into the previous chapter and function the same. From a realistic point of view, it does make a kind of sense, I concede: she is DROWNING in her situation, and it waits at every corner of her mind. However, I did find that it started feeling a bit strained at some point in it, because of how EVERYTHING up to this point has been her internally debating her situation in one way or another.

I'm wanting to see some development along the lines of how she reacts to situations that don't include her being bullied or beaten up. She's currently a victim, but she can't be the underdog until we have something specific to root for. That may sound insensitive considering the subject matter... Her inability to think of anything else may be realistic, but it is also worth considering how to keep that realism while still pulling the reader forward in her story (from a plot development perspective, not dwelling on the same spot of exposition too long). Getting out of her head for a bit might do some good, to let us see the world outside of her miserable home life. Even a small amount could act as a breather for the reader from the overhanging warped and depressed doomsday air. Of course, there are different types of books, which are designed to make a reader feel different ways while and after reading them: maybe everything I described is actually your intention, to some degree. But even if that's so, I still believe that you can keep the solid message you're intending to portray about mental health and abuse whilst playing a few writers' tricks that bypass perfect realism.

I will note, though, that you have a thing for last lines, Ariel! It's really very nice to have a decent sized emotional punch at the end of each chapter, and I definitely appreciate it.

Overall, whilst this last chapter could use a bit more editing, I'm really glad to have read this story. You really deserved the spotlight this week, and I encourage you in all future writing endeavors. Thanks for the great read.

~ Tori