Genre: Teen Fiction
Chapters: Spy or no spy? (Chapter 4)

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I. ELOCUTION

a. Major Grammar Corrections

~ You switch tenses from present to past more than could be written off as a few typos. That's a significant but simple error that is easily fixed.

~ "Sparks bats Nicks hand..." - Should be "Nick's".

~ "I didn't even know how long I was staying here?" - This isn't a question, so there shouldn't be a question mark.

~ "Instead Doctor Ryan comes in." - Comma after "instead".

~ "No," I say deadpan. - "Comma after "say".

b. Major Style Corrections

~ "Day 2." - So two things on this. One, spelling out the number rather than using the symbolic numeral is considered more professional in general. Two, I had thought it was a header of some sort and was about to ask why the first sentence (the next sentence) made no sense, like it was cut off at the beginning. I would suggest spelling out "two", combining the first and second lines, and separating them with a colon rather than a period.

~ "(less brain swelling again!)" - This could totally be just me, but I tend to see using parentheses in narrative as a kind of unprofessional. It might look better to surround it by dashes instead, to indicate the break in the sentence.

~ "Judging by the phrases on that last one..." - It took me a bit too long to figure out what you meant by "phrases". It may be better to use "headlines" instead.

II. PLOT

1) Primary Event Points

- Olivia wakes up and Nate comes back to visit her again, bearing gifts

- Detective Sparks comes back with a box of stuff identifying Olivia

- Nick offers to let Olivia stay with him upon hearing she is virtually homeless

2) Logos: Consistency, Logicality, Understandability, and Realism

~ So basically, I'm going to be totally blunt and say that cases of amnesia NEVER happen like this in real life. The first few lines of every description I found on it pointed this fact out, that the "Hollywood amnesia" is actually the exact opposite of what happens in real life. Here's a whole link on what that means and what it's really like: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/amnesia/basics/definition/con-20033182

HOWEVER, I will note that this fact does not in itself mean you can't write the story like this or you can't pass it off as realistic. It's such a well-used trait by authors in general that it really just comes down to the readers wanting a good story, even if it doesn't exactly reflect reality. It is still good, however, to be aware that it doesn't.

~ I really like how you had her believe that she was cute. I always wondered what I'd think if I saw myself as everyone else saw me, forgot what I looked like and recorded my reaction to seeing myself for the first time. Not having memories allows her to bypass any insecurities and view herself objectively, meaning her first impression of herself is realistic and I love having that there.

~ Having a mirror scene to describe a character's appearance is oft considered cliche. However, I believe this can be easily repaired on your part by combining it with another slightly misplaced element: your descriptive skills. You've already got a great description there, it just currently doesn't make much sense for the narrator to describe everything in such depth unless a small thing is changed. Basically you can fix all of this by just having her specifically examining herself in the mirror, looking for a trace of something familiar to jog her memory in every aspect of her appearance (which could justify describing every aspect of her appearance as you have). Combine the two elements, problems solved!

~ You mention that, when she thinks his voice is good, she has nothing to compare it to so she can't be sure. Did she lose all of her knowledge of the culture or current times as well? In the summary on the NBR chapter it said she lost memory of herself, and while I'm sure you clarified what exactly she lost in previous chapters, I myself am a bit confused about it coming in here.

~ Hm... I'm almost wanting to agree with Nick's spy theory. The thing that makes me wonder more than anything else is that her emergency contacts were all fruitless, as of the exact date that seems to be relevant.

III. CHARACTER ANALYSIS

|| - Olivia - ||

For some reason, I was able to gather more on Nick than I was on her, despite how she is the main character. I think I may notice this pattern now, that in general, first person makes it more difficult to pinpoint the MC's personality (my own story falls short this way as well, don't think I'm picking on you).

From the little that I CAN tell, she seems a generally pleasant person, maybe has mild anxiety, or maybe is just affected by the situation. She seems to have a decent level of self-esteem/confidence, and reasonably questions her situation, acting as the voice to all the questions I myself have. There wasn't much evolving emotionally for her, as this is only one chapter, but it was very enlightening to see her reaction to the new knowledge of who she is. She shifted from desperation to relief to frustration to anxiety all so quickly, which I think will have plenty a big impact on her arc as the story moves forward.

|| - Nick - ||

Nick seems a bit on the innocent side, considering you mentioned he's famous. I do note that you said "well-known musician" and not "pop-star", which probably plays some part in how he doesn't seem to be corrupted by fame. He is apparently famous enough that young fans want videos and pictures of him, and feed on the gossip, but not quite so much that he is swarmed with paparazzi (or not as much as can be seen from this chapter alone)?

He's extroverted and friendly, helpful and kind, with an added cup of sass/sarcasm for comedic relief. The banter between him and Olivia is quite refreshing, really. His nickname for her was pretty cute.

I don't know much about his situation, but you have clearly shown that he feels some kind of guilt over the action (especially in how he continues to return to her room), and that is very good. His gift-bearing seemed almost excessive, which makes me wonder if there is more to his guilt than is on the surface. I think there's a good chance he's covering up his emotions with his extroverted personality, but some of them show through, and I think what does show through cannot be taken at face value and probably means something much more about his backstory. He seems to be handling it all in the one way he knows how, which is doting on her to ease said guilt. OR maybe he's interested in her. We can't really know at this point.

IV. COMMENTARY

Structurally, you seem very strong. Your descriptions felt very nice, and I love the part about how clean she feels. There was very little wrong, just some simple stuff easily repaired.

Plot wise, a lot happened here. Within the established context of the world (as far as I can see it), you play this out fairly realistically, which I much appreciate. Other than the few concerns raised in the Logicality section, it was next to flawless.

You did a good job with the British accents, especially with Detective Sparks. Even though I'd forgotten they were in England, I was immediately reminded by the phrases he used upon his entering the room, which made it out to be unmistakably English when envisioning it in my mind. I ended up envisioning him as Lestrade XD

The interaction between Nick and Olivia is actually really adorable, and I found it very much endearing to both of them (especially Nick).

The one and only significant suggestion that I can make is really a very conditional one. I can't speak to anything that has happened in the previous chapters, so maybe you have already well covered this, but I didn't feel much of a pull to know what was going on. You have it all very well thought out and it flows very well, but (this may be the action-lover in me talking) there was a sort of lack of... something. The only way I can think to describe it is that, despite how your character obviously wants to know who she is, I think it might be made more interesting for the reader if there was a more specific reason they themselves want to know who she is. Or maybe, if there truly is something strange about who she is or her past or about that whole "spy" thing (which I doubt, but still), subtly hinting at it could be all that is necessary to plant a stronger want to continue on in the reader.Again, you may have covered this with previous chapters, but I can only speak to what I see here. Again, this is a very nitpicky thing, but it could also be the difference between a reader WANTING to read on, and a reader being DESPERATE to read on.

Considering this genre is not my cup of tea, I probably won't read on. But that does not reflect on the quality of your story. I'm sure there are many others who would.