Life is filled with dozen of surprises, more than hundred intermissions and thousands of fucked up realisations to make you realise how fake this world is. I am not trusting it anymore. Peace:)

***

The bell rang as the sermon started. In the last bench I sat, reminiscing the last day when we went to the church as a family. Ronnie, me and...

Mama and Daddu

Before Ronnie's birth I remember how sweet my mom was. I was honestly scared of my dad as a kid. But now that I look back to it, my mom played the good cop and dad the bad cop. The five year old me never thought I there was anyone more scarier then my father aka the bad cop. But now I miss it, their scoldings, worries and the family games we played every night. Eating pizza on weekends and helping my father with his hair even though I was really bad at it.

We both looked quite similar, me and daddu. He had large mass of hair that covered his eyes. I loved his hair so much that I always tried to eat it whenever he gave me a piggyback. It would be a lie if I say I don't miss them.

I miss hiding behind my mother as my father seeked me. I miss sneaking up on mom when she least expected. I miss learning how to make paper boats that actually float in water not wrinkle and sink. I miss their bright energy, their wide back that protected me.

I grew up too fast after their deaths. Became self centred, thinking that grieving with Ronnie would make me look pathetic. I thought their death didn't affect Ronnie as he was just two when they died. But he remembered. Our parents were holding us together. And after their death we drifted apart.

I felt helpless, weak and drained. The emotions were too raw. I could feel it, the energy sparking up inside me, it was feeding on me like a parasite. The day we came back from their funeral me and Ronnie were kept apart. As my crying could affect him in an extreme negative way.

I remember sitting on my bed, gazing at the cupboard with blank eyes. Their happy smiles danced in my brain as I clenched my fist. The emotions were whirling inside me like a tide, it was almost suffocating. I blinked and walked around the room in circles to distract my brain from mamma's smile. I could feel it, her smiling face and her beautiful brown hair in my hands as I poorly braided them. Her chocolate brown eyes and the hollow under her eyes crinkling downwards each day.

She was sad, I didn't knew that. She was lonely, I promise I didn't knew that. She was dying, I wish I knew that before. I wish I could embrace her when she was lonely. I wish I could see her smile one last time.

Tears dropped one by one, my eyes turning glassy as I breathed in slowly. My cries were ugly hiccups as I tried to rain away the cloud that shaded the brightest stars of the heaven. It was blurry as I started running around in the room in circles and stopped when I stubbed toe on the bed post. An awful cry emerged not because of the pain. I slid down the bed post, closing my eyes. Squeezing out those pearls of a bleeding heart.

There was a numbness in my throat as I gulped down the saliva. My tongue parched as I tried to hold myself to sleep. As I tried to stick together the pieces of my heart that shattered before and were now stabbing me at different times. The pain was awful, the tears useless and the hug pathetic.

My red rimmed eyes looked around and found the butter knife laying on the table. The seven years old me has seen how effective it was in movies so without thinking twice I stood up and went to pick up the knife. The knife was sharp and could work wonderfully.

This was going to take me to them. A smile touched my lips as I close my eyes and positioned the knife at a pulse. I ran the edge on my skin, a piercing pain made me hiss but calm down my aching heart. My heartbeats lowered as I smiled with my eyes closed.

The pain was gone now.

And I was alive so it made me happier to be free of all the emotions. The burden lifted as I teared my old t shirt and tied it around my wrist. The knife was laying on the ground as I picked it and touched the sharp edge of it. The knife was exquisite.

***

I hope y'all loved this chapter.

I know this chapter turned out a little sappy because I was writing it while crying.

❤️