i've been lying to myself for awhile now,

i've been putting on this smile,

and saying I'm okay,

when in reality I'm not,

i'm struggling,

but I do not know,

how to voice it,

without coming off as,

wanting attention,

and I've noticed that I do not like,

the attention,

and it makes me feel bad for opening up,

and then I end up beating myself,

up over it,

because what I'm going through,

isn't that bad anyways,

people have it worse than I do,

so why should I cry about my issues,

when it's not even that bad?

i've got what I need,

a place to stay,

a supportive family,

a counselor,

but I can't help but,

feel like somethings missing.

i've pushed everyone so far away,

that not anyone really knows,

what's actually going on.

my head,

it gets so spinny,

it gets so scary,

at times,

i have days where I'm perfectly okay,

and then the next day,

i want to kill myself,

it's a scary ongoing cycle,

that I don't know how to,

properly deal with.

and I try to get help,

but the help I get,

is from someone,

who honestly can't help me.

because she cannot deal,

with her own issues.

i have been overthinking,

my every move,

i have been apologizing for,

every movement I make,

every word I say,

because I feel bad.

i'll label it as stupid,

or dumb,

and move on.

when it's not stupid or dumb,

i just feel like it is.

i constantly question myself,

it's like I constantly need reassurance,

that what I'm saying or doing,

isn't dumb,

it's like I'm looking for everyone's approval,

it's like I depend on it,

and I hate it.

and I hate myself.

i try to love myself,

i try to find good things,

but my mind only goes to the bad things.

i sometimes hear voices,

a lot more lately than ever,

they tell me to hurt myself,

they tell me that I do not matter,

they tell me no one would miss me,

and I believe them,

because I am not strong enough,

to fight back,

so I let them destroy me,

because I don't know how to fight back.

i try to tell myself that they aren't real,

but it never works in the end,

because I fall back into it.

i don't know what to do anymore,

because I've pushed everyone away,

when in reality,

i just want them to stay,

but my mind fights against it,

and it tells me that I don't deserve them,

that they're better off without me,

and so,

i've pushed them all away,

so I can stop hurting them.