[ LAINERRY ESCAMILLA ]

After five years. Five years after I graduated college. I'm 25 now and still waiting. Six years without the sight of him was made me hollowed. I feel like an empty bottle in the street waiting for someone to pick me up. I feel like a puppet or a robot. I didn't feel right. I hadn't been feeling right for a long time. I couldn't remember how long it had been since I had felt right.

Simula ng hindi na magpakita si Matthias parang hindi na ako nakaramdam ng kasiyahan sa buhay. How long is it? Six or almost seven years? Whooah since then hindi na siya nagpakita sa akin. I thought isang taon lang niya gagawin ang sinasabi niya para makuha niya ako but it's fucking so long! It's six, damn six years! And I'm still waiting for him. I don't want to wake up but still I did. I had to get up. I had important things to do for our fucking  business.

Walking down the stairs was an effort. My  body was not responding to the medicine and coffee that I had taken. Everything was an effort nowadays. I have no dream but it seems I need to work for it. I look forward to nothing, I laughed at nothing, my brain felt nothing. My heart felt slowly beating. Nothing but an emptiness.

I'm working as assistant manager in our business for almost 5 years. My dad still the manager of our company and his future-son-in-law Jourem Souris was his right hand in everything. After my graduation, I hurriedly face my reality. I work, going home, going to work and going home. Jourem lived with me but we're both invisible for each other because our heart belongs to someone else. Well, he told me about his woman in India but I'm not interested in his life, I don't care what he did or what he does basta huwag niya lang akong pakialaman. It seems he is not interested in me at all. I notice it after a year nang pagsasama namin sa iisang bubong. Hindi man lang siya nag-eefort na makuha ang loob ko which made me feel at ease. And he open about his life a little bit, so I found that he is in love with his childhood bestfriend and his bestfriend doesn't know. Uh that was so sad.

And Matthias was a puzzle to me. His friends told me he is working but I don't have an idea where he is. On his last year in college parang iniiwasan niya na ako. He's avoiding me whenever I'm approaching him. Maybe because he is busy and I heard he is running for Magna cum laude kaya hinayaan ko na lang siya noon dahil baka kasama iyon sa plano niya para sa amin.

Since the day that I and Matthias partways wala na akong ginawa kundi ang sumunod sa utos ni Daddy. I become a loyal and good daughter to him because I'm hoping that he change his planned. But I was wrong. He is consistent and coherent to all of his future goals which including me. Kaya ang ginawa ko after nang graduation ko ay pinag-aralan ko lahat ng detalye ng negosyo namin para hindi ako mangapa at kaya kong patunayan na kaya ko maging isang negosyante at kaya ko'ng mabuhay mag-isa. Pinag-aralan ko lahat ng pasikot-sikot ng negosyo at all cost. All of my wages I deposited it on a bank para bigla man bumalik si Matthias ready na qko sumama sa kanya but where is he right now? I don't want to rot here in my Dad's company. I avoid dad in the office at alam niya na ayoko makipag-usap sa kanya kung hindi rin naman tungkol sa trabaho. He knows that I'm against him but still he is authoritarian. He didn't change. Even in work he can handle itself and too overseer that I can not avoid.

One rainy day. My dad bought a ticket for us to Zamboanga, with Jourem. He wants us to attend a meeting and anniversary of their business opening. He sent us alone. And I know he has another motives why I'm with Jourem. Gusto niya na maging okay kami pero hindi niya alam na may ibang pinagkakabisihan rin si Jourem sa tuwing umuuwi siya ng Mumbai at hinahayaan ko lang naman siya. That's his reason also why he won't pursue me and he  suggesting to move our wedding date because I'm not yet ready but without my dad knowing. Jourem has another reason. A woman. And I'll wait Jourem plans dahil sigurado makakalaya ako. But my worst scenario parang wala na rin naman akong hinihintay. Wala nang Matthias.

We stay in Zamboanga but we moved to Palawan for almost a week. Isang araw lang ang okasyon sa Zamboangga kaya hindi na kami kumuha ng hotel doon dahil nagbooked si Daddy  sa Palawan para sa isang linggo. So, wala akong ginawa kundi ang matulog at magbeach. Nakipag-video-call ako kila Najella, Meagan at Aurry Keith. Si Abby mahina ang signal kaya hindi siya nakakasabay sa amin. Salitan sila dahil busy rin naman sila sa kanya-kanyang buhay nila.

Okay naman kami ni Jourem kaya nag-eenjoy naman ako kasama siya. Alam ko'ng wala siyang nararamdaman para sa akin kaya panatag ang loob ko kahit mag-two-piece pa ako habang kasama siya. Inch-by-inch we understand each other personality. Imagine I'm with him for almost seven years. Kahit ang mga hates and likes namin sa buhay ay alam na namin pareho pero kahit pa ganoon ay hindi ako nagtiwala na iopen ko ang lovelife ko dahil baka isumbong niya pa rin ako kay Daddy. We've talk normally and casually lalo na sa trabaho. We eat together and go home together but we don't sleep together.

After a week nakalapag ng ligtas ang eroplanong nasasakyan namin. Kahit kinakabahan ako ay kinalma ko pa rin ang sarili ko. I always remember Kuya Lander and about the plane crash kaya medyo may phobia pa rin ako. Paglabas namin ng airport ay maulan pa rin pero ayos lang dahil may dala naman akong sasakyan na iniwan ko sa airport, then I approach to Jourem kung sasabay siya sa akin but he has a plan at bumalik sa loob. I saw him queuing to departure area. I know what he is up to. So, I drive my Lexxy going home alone kahit medyo my jetlag pa ako ay hindi na ako tumawag ng driver. But in Marikina exit my car bumped by huge track. And I don't know what happen next because my head blackout.

"How's may little girl?." Pagmulat ko I saw Dad sat on my bed. Hindi ako umimik. Hindi rin ako makagalaw. Kumikirot ang ulo ko. Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya na nagtatanong. Ilang araw na ba ako nakahiga dito.

"I'm okay." I mumbling at itinuon ko ang pansin ko sa labas ng bintana. Naaksidente ako. Kumusta kaya ang kotse ko.

"You're lying." He said na ikinagulat ko pero hindi ako nagpahalata. What he is up to. At ano ba pakialam niya sa nararamdaman ko. "Where is Jourem? Why are you alone on that day in your car?." He is interested in me now? At anong alam ko kung nasaan ang Jourem na iyon. He seems  worried? I was shock. Dahil ba akala niya patay na ako? Napuruhan ba ako? I'm in coma? Nag-aalala na siya sa akin ngayon. Ngayon lang dahil kritikal ako.?

"I'm not lying. And I don't know where he is." Matamlay na sagot ko. Katahimikan. Ilang minuto siyang tahimik at nag-iisip.

"..Nerry. I'm.. I'm sorry. I thought everything is fine." My heart melting the moment he says sorry. "I thought Jourem genuinely cared for you but he left you alone. I trust him but he's not trustworthy at all." In his sad monotone na halos hindi ko marinig. This is the first time I saw him in this kind of emotions.

"I'm okay dad. If you don't mind. I want to be alone." I don't know how to react. In short gusto ko na umalis siya dahil maiiyak ako pag nagsalita pa siya ulit.

"I'm sorry Nerry. Your dad is so selfish. Akala ko magiging maayos ang buhay mo sa mga decision na ginagawa ko. I'm sorry, dahil ginaya ko ang lolo mo.."

"What do you mean Dad?." Hindi niya naituloy ang sasabihin dahil sa tanong ko. Pero mukhang seryuso siya ngayon.

"Your mom and me. Arranged marriage din kami." I never expect that I heard these things. Tapos, gusto nila na maexperience ko rin ang buhay na dinaanan nila. They are selfish nga talaga.

"My mom lied. She lied na nagkakilala kayo sa isang flight from Australia." I sigh.

"No. She didn't lied. Totoo iyon. Magkatabi kami sa eroplano ng mga oras na iyon at nagkakilala na kami without knowing na nakatadhana talaga pala kaming magkakilala at magpakasal." I was startled to what I heard but I stay calm.

"Ayos lang naman ako. I'll do everything what you want dad. I'll obey whatever you ask for. Isn't it significant enough?." He held my hand and gently rub it.

"I know I'm too much Nerry. And what you did is more than enough. Pasensya ka na ha. Hindi ko naisip na nagluluksa ka rin ng mawala ang Kuya Lander mo. All those years wala akong nakikita kundi ang palaguin ang negosyo. I forget that I am still a father." Alam kong anumang oras ay malalaglag na ang luha ni Daddy. Kaya ayoko tumingin sa mga mata niya. I felt his regretting every worst decision he made. At ramdam ko na mas nahihirapan din siya na makita akong hirap sa buhay. Hopefully, baka ngayon lang dahil nakahiga ako sa patient bed.

"Okay lang naman po iyon. Alam ko naman na para rin sa akin ang ginagawa niyo and I'm grateful for everything you gave. You gave me the thing I need."

"But I'll never give what you truly desire. Hindi ko binigay ang kalayaan mo. I'm sorry. I'll promise you. I settled everything." Alam ko ang tinutukoy niya. That engagement party. Is he choose me over his subordinates? Mas mahalaga sa kanya ang mga business partner niya kesa sa akin eh. Ano ba nangyari sa kanya? He looks different person today. Ano ba ang nangyari sa akin at ilang araw ba ako nakahiga ng walang malay.

Then I discovered that a kind soul inhabited the heart of the man I wanted to hate. I wish that is his real identity. I wish this isn't a dreams dahil baka nagdedelirious lang ako dahil mamamatay na ako. I wish he is really my Dad. I wish this moment never end. I'm longing for him to embrace me and today it's finally came true.

Z