As long as you can breathe, you are fine. Coach Park told him that, holding him over the current of a particularly violent stream, he was five, fresh out from what they said was the last of his surgeries and therapy, turning into swimming to strengthen his muscles. And he had been holding to those words ever since. You are fine - as long as you can breathe.

The green - gray water reminded him of that child, of its broken self esteem, the legs he believed were good for nothing. And he remembered being engulfed in the water, how it had overpowered him for a moment and threatened to pull him down - it was then that he realized no matter how much he hated it, his greed to live overpowered his self condemnation. Coach Park had left him a moment longer to struggle, fighting for his life before pulling him back to safety.  

There was a fire in that man’s eyes and he felt its warmth kindle inside him when he placed his hand on his heart, pounding, beating at a painful tempo trying to savor another moment of life, as he coughed out the water and rubbed his eyes.

“Feel your heart, remember its pounding, remember its struggle to live - when there is nothing to fight for - fight for yourself. You are fine as long as you can breathe.”

So wanted to feel that need again. So he dived in, leaving the realities that weighed him down at the shore. The water was icy, cutting against his skin like a blade of frost. When he surfaced, hair plastered to his face and mouth open for a gulp of air, his exhale rose in swirls of mist.

He felt the chill in his bones, in the knots on his muscles, in his veins where blood throbbed. Life - he was as greedy as he had always been. The water did not smell of chlorine and his strokes weren’t as graceful as they had been - he was too cold, too broken for a performance. Yet water brought him what he was seeking for in her embrace; peace.

As long as you can breathe.

But he was not sure, if he could hold it any longer. So went under again, the cool green burned in his eyes, he watched the beams of sunlight as they dissolved in the darkness and reminisced - in spite of himself - of her soft touch. Memories of two lifetimes weighed him down, burned in his lungs. She had always been so, breaking his walls until he was stripped and bear and then leaving without a word of an explanation - in the middle - at the eye of the storm - taking all of him as she went. And he fell at her feet every time , giving her the power to hurt him over and over again, hurt herself leave him to bleed for that was the depth of their connection.

He remembered her words and felt a fresh stab at his heart.

“I thought it changed nothing. That I could take anything. But I cannot. Forgive me.”

It hurt. It hurt like he would die. This was the pain he had tried to shield himself from , each time he pushed her away. But then she had insisted, she had been so sure. It hurt no less to see how desperate she was to get away from him - even after how close they had come.

What hurt him most was that he knew her too much- too well - that he saw the truth in her eyes, he knew it was over even before she had opened her mouth. The chill had settled on him even before he made sense of her words.

It took too much effort to stay afloat, hold her in place and make her face him.

‘Why?” It was all he could ask, the rest of his words never formed properly, never left the tip of his tongue. He had let her go so freely and she had circled back to him. Now that he wanted - needed - her to stay, she was pulling away from his embrace. “Is it me? Do you - you said it didn’t matter.” His words broke, his tone unsure. A lone tear dangled from her lashes. She didn’t say anything and her thumb stroked his cheek. He borrowed into her touch, willing to believe everything was another feverish nightmare. Hoping that she would admit into lying the next moment. She still didn’t utter a word.

“Your brother proposed.”

It felt as if she had stabbed him, punched the air out of his lungs. His eyes burned and blurred her vision as she finally, successfully detached herself from him. He couldn’t see her expression anymore.

“That’s right, he was here. He still wants to marry me. Even after I ran on him for so long. Even after my name was dragged through mud.” Because of you… He hears what she leaves unsaid. In front of him stands Hae Soo, the woman obliged to cater to the whims of her legendary family, who had already dented their reputation by running away. A promised woman - who could not compromise her reputation by associating herself with a man whose honor was questioned by the larger public.

They called him a hypocrite these days. A good example for Karma. A man who was guilty of doing the same thing he had accused his brother of doing. A taint for their country, a stigma for sportsmanship. A cheater.

She was still talking, he brought himself back with effort.

“Can you give that to me?”

He cannot. There was nothing for him to offer her. He had no forever to offer and now no honor or glory. It was one thing that he yearned to have her by his side, but another to demand it from her that she takes the fall with him.

He couldn’t.

“Good bye, So!”

He wishes he could say he shall never see her again. But knows that he cannot. He pushes towards the shore with the last of his strength and the gloom settles on him. The shadows that are chasing him finally claws at his heart. Another life time without her. He is uncertain if he would make through it. He had done it once - lived with her memories and her ashes. The prospect almost takes him to the bottom - but he pushes through. As long as you can breathe.

There are dark spots dancing across his vision by the time he hoists himself to the ground, the grass slip beneath his hands and he has little strength or desire to make it ashore. But then there are hands hoisting him up, dragging him to the land before he gives up the last of his courage. And the same hands slap him. Once. Twice. Thrice. And more.

Until his cheeks are stinging and he is snapped back to the reality.

Dimly he registers the warmth of the blanket around him and looks up into the warm gray - green eyes that burn with unshed tears. Beside him, Miss Oh collapses into the muddy grass, uncaring of her dress, her hands shaking as she throws her arms around him.

“How dare you? How dare you!” Her tone shivers with anger, pent up emotions that he does not recognize. “How dare you leave me again!”

She holds his head against her heart, covered from cold as his teeth began to clutter. Her hands stroking his hair, her face buried into his shoulder. She begins to sob, her tears smudging into his cheeks.

“How much more do you plan to punish me? Is that why you do this?”

Her eyes are the same green gray of the water, now rimmed with red as they pool with tears. He stares at her in wonder, like a wild animal unsure of what to make of her gesture of affection.

“Why?” Is all he can manage again. He thinks of Ha Jin, the only soft hands that he knows, and thinks of how easily she had walked away. The hurt returns, multiplied many folds now that there was someone to console him. He never takes affection well, it makes him greedy, it leaves him hurt. He tries to pull away.

“No - no, you shouldn’t. I don’t deserve it…I’m - I’m not supposed to be saved.” He is not sure what he is saying. Or why he is saying so. Instead he repeats the words he had grown up hearing, and wonders at how thick he had grown that they no longer cut into his soul. “I’m a monster - and now a cheat too. I - I was born with no legs. Oh but you know that don’t you? Do you remember how ghastly that was? Why did you correct me? You shouldn’t have done that. You shouldn’t have - yes, it’s wrong - I should have died.”

When she raises her hand he thinks she is going to slap him again. But instead she holds his face and looks at him for a moment.

“Clubfoot.” She says flatly.  

“You had Clubfoot, and had ponseti treatment. The rest of it all is a lie.”

Her words follow a pause that is heavy with bewilderment. His next inhale is so loud in his ear that So holds his breath for a moment. He wants to trust her but his trust is too fragile to be offered at the moment. He wants to question her yet cannot find his voice. Why lie? Who lied? How did she know the truth? How long were they going to carry on with that lie?

Before he had found his voice and just as the frustration he had bottled deep down started to boil, her forehead rests against his shoulder and she is sobbing once more.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! You have no idea how much - but I had no choice. You can’t possibly hate me more than I hate myself. But I had no choice - I wanted you. You were never cast away. I wanted to keep you so much!”

“Keep - me?”

She pulls away, and takes a deep breath. Her fingers stroke the side of his face, and he watches transfixed how freely her tears run. She is crying for him.

“You are my son.”