In a matter of moments the axis of his world shifts and So tries to grasp it as steadily as he could. It starts to make sense, as the warmth return to his toes, and his palms tingle with the warmth seeping from the cup between them.

He lets her talk, for he doesn’t trust himself with words yet. He lets her explain. It is not excuses that he wants - for he will never really forget that there is a chasm of two and half decades between them which cannot be bridged by excuses - but he wills himself to listen.

Two lifetimes had taught him that there are two sides to every story and sometimes both are equally right. It matters only where you stand. He has not chosen his side yet. But he will not judge her until her story has finished. Even after, he is not certain that he would find it in his heart to deny her - them - what they had been deprived of all his life. To her a son, to him a mother.

There is a greed in the way she keeps touching him, there is peace in her eyes, he wonders if that’s how it should feel too have a mother - for he has never known it before. So he lets her stroke his hair, and listens to her soft recollections of past.

An accident had brought him into her life - the man she fell in love with, realizing all too late that he was married to a woman who owned everything in his life.

It brought him no surprise to learn that his father was still a man who used marriages to advance his position. Mu’s mother had brought him wealth, attorney Yoo had brought him recognition. Her father was a politician - the man whose shoes prosecutor Hwang wished to fill. It was her legacy that bound him to her, after the death of his first wife. And the Yoos wanted to find a husband to their daughter, unmarried and pregnant before the news went public and resulted in a controversy that threatened their political careers. Tae was the child she gave birth to and the complications involved meant there was little possibility that she would bear any more children.

That year the senior Yoo had passed away, and the ties that bond them had weakened. There was never any love between them and Prosecutor Hwang believed they could part on friendly terms. He was in love. People in love never saw things for what they were. Then again, she was in love too. He respected his wife enough to tell her the truth, come clean on why he wanted to end their marriage. When they had met, on her insistence, Oh Soo Yeon really thought she was all that people said about her, the mother to many children, the woman who understood anyone’s heart to a length that she was willing to let her own spouse go, because they had fallen out of love.

“I always knew -” she had said with a small smile. “There was an angel for him somewhere.”

But they postponed the divorce - it wouldn’t look good to separate as soon as her father passed away - it would cast a bad light on his career - a taint on his ambition. She had pointed it out with a placid expression, a concerned squeeze on her hand.

“We both want the best for him - right?”

She would not thwart his ambition, so she listened. There was enough trust in her heart to wait. But then - then, she had been a fool.

When Soo Yeon found out she was pregnant, he was not in the country, instead it was she who heard it first.

“And do you know what she said -” her voice is wistful. “She said ‘so am I. So am I.’ It was I who foolishly believed that he had no relation with her, that they were friends living under the same roof - because he wanted her family, and her child wanted his name. I believed him. I shouldn’t have.”

Anger drifted them apart and perhaps, she thinks now, that was exactly what Attorney Yoo had planed for them.

“He came after me - swearing it was a mistake. That it meant nothing. That he still loved me.” She shakes her head, thoughtfully. “I was not sure what he wanted anymore. I was not sure, I could give it to him.”

In her need to flee, she had forgotten the orthodox father that waited for her at home who would never accept that his daughter was going to raise a child alone.

“He was paralyzed, he needed me.” But he wouldn’t let her touch him, unless - unless she was willing to give up the child. Her tears starts to flow and So holds her as she breaks down. It is a hard choice, he admits, between a parent and a child. Still he remains passive.

“I wanted to run away with you but he would have died and I would have never forgiven myself.”

The child that had driven them apart was born with Sirenomelia. There is no joy in her tone as she recalls. Saved for the time being by its twin. And So knows, Yo was never forgiven for that - for saving him. But it was never him to begin with.

“He had known - he had planed it all, it was his only chance of taking you in without tainting his ambition…”

The bitterness of her voice makes him flinch and So could only imagine the disappointment of discovering the dark side of the man she had loved so much. His mother - attorney Yoo - would have hated him just for that, but in the eyes of the woman before him - he could only see affection.

‘You needed ponseti and surgeries and your father could afford it all and he promised me that you would be loved so much - and I believed him thinking how his wife had always cared for so many children.” She swallows her eyes downcast - ashamed at her own shortcomings. “I should have known - when she never asked after the baby…I should have known.”

And So no longer hates her choice. His father always had the ability to make people do what he wanted on their own volition.  

“The child -” he muses aloud slowly, not daring to ask the question.

“Died shortly after.” She nods, her tone flat again. “The plan was to integrate you into the place, a few strings pulled no one was to find out. Everyone was made to think you were being treated for Sirenomelia. For a while I was glad that Attorney Yoo couldn’t bear to look at that baby of hers -”

He thinks of the scorn he had taken for his entire life and wonders if she could even imagine the pain of being shunned by a mother. But then - she continues.

“It allowed me a little longer with you. To hold you during the casting, take part in your treatment.” Her exhale that punctures her statement is harsh and unsteady. “But meeting you meant you were in pain - I had to watch it -” she shudders at the memory. “And I hated myself for wishing it lasted longer.”

“Why did you go away?” He asks in the end. “Did you ever wonder how I was doing?”

“It wasn’t hard to keep track on you -” her laughter is dry and hollow. “At least I thought that was what I was doing. I thought once the therapy was done - she would have no qualms with you - I was wrong, I was made to believe in a lie.” She takes his hands in hers, and her fingers tremble. “It was my part of bargain. I was never to see you again - after the therapy. Or else your mother would have found out. Your father is a meticulous man.”

“A non disclosure? He made you sign a non disclosure?” he sounds disbelieving, for he cannot imagine doing that to someone you claim to have ever loved and share a child with. She nods and rubs circles on his palm.

“He wanted to make sure it stays secret.”

So exhales, not knowing how to respond to that and then it occurs to him, as suddenly as an epiphany.

“She told you to tell me this - didn’t she?” If his mother wanted to keep it secret, if she had made a promise of that sort, the way her eyes widened gave it away. His heart beating rapidly with an emotion that he did not dare to name hope he looked into her eyes, the green gray that reminded him of calming deep water was brimming with tears. “Omma -” he tastes the word on his lips and drinks in the sudden elation on her expression. “Please -”

“Yes.”

He presses his fist to his lips as he thinks, as he recalls all her hurtful words. She had said it all and then arranged it so that he finds out there was no truth to his beliefs. So that in her absence he would not revert back in to thinking he was disgusting - a deformity. So that he knows - it was not what that made her leave.

Ha Jin - he thinks - what have you done?

Even if you are the person I want to avoid the most - your highness? The memory comes to him unbidden, of her tearful eyes and determined voice. Of all the times she had thrown him away for his own sake. He had forgotten it - this woman had thrown him away to protect his own child. Had gone to do hard labour without slipping a word of it when he bid her good bye.

It comes to him with the force of a tide.

Why are you making it so hard for me to turn away from you? Forget about me - I bring you only misfortune.

But what was it that made her leave - could it possibly be -

“Hyung!” It’s Eun, there is a skip on his step and a tablet in his hand on which he scrolls excitedly. “You are going to kiss me when you - ah,” he takes their tearful eyes and scratches the back of his head bashfully. “Bad time?”

“What is it?” It is so hard not to see him and not to reminisce his tenth brother from a different life time, at least here he was not bound to take his life. At least here, Eun was free from the curse of a power struggle. He feels a little happy at that.

“Your emergency TUE,” he hands him the tablet. “It’s finally approved, that lazy doctor at Hwang Hospitals finally provided the reports I’ve been demanding for so long.”

Oh - and he knows, the price she has set on her life.

|| Glossary ||
TUE - theraputic use exception (permission to use a banned drug in unavoidable medical circumstances.)
Here it is referred to where emergency treatment had been given to an athlete and there had not been time to consider all the possible alternatives as such. (It is normally a long and tiresome process - I've taken some artistic license to alter it slightly.)
To get a TUE you need a very detailed medical file that explains the medical condition, history and all the reasons why this particular drug has to be used. For an emergency TUE not that demanding.

**A sirenomelia affected baby has a big chance of being born alive if they are paired with a twin who is not affected. Therefore the good twin saves the life of the affected twin through what is called the potter sequence. Often observed in identical twins.