chapter three,
would you choose to go insane yourself?

SLEEP is the scariest thing to exist. You can't control it. The dreams come and go. The nightmares stay and haunt. What do you do when you wake up and you can't move your body? What do you do when you are running in the same spot? What do you do when you know you're about to die and can't change it? It's a relief when it is just a dream. When you wake up, drenched in sweat, loud noises ringing and out of breath—it's not real, it's not real, it's not real...

            But they slowly drive you insane.

            Wave could never sleep well. Her dreams were little fragments, splattered around for her to find connection between them. There was some sort of uncertainty—it wasn't just a simple cat-and-mouse game, no, her dreams felt real. Like memories, she so deeply wanted to have.

            She felt like she was getting played with. Different emotions, different faded moments clashing through her dreams—and then she wakes up. Hopeful. Weirdly joyful. Terrified. Terrified of the hope she could feel during them as if she had achieved something. As if she was important there. But she would wake up in the same small apartment of hers, alone. Always alone because it was best for her. It was best for everyone.

            The similar longing, the déjà vu, would follow her throughout the days. It always felt like she belonged somewhere else – somewhere out there. But somewhere out there was nothing but a wasteland. But with the way things were run around here, she could swear that something was beyond the walls. People would say anything and do anything to stay in charge.

            As the clock flashed four in the morning, she took off the thin blanket off her body and shook her head. The pain at the back of her neck made her hiss—she didn't exactly sleep in the most comfortable positions. Her forearms itched, as they often did after her dreams, but she lied to herself and put this sensation to blame to her everyday training.

            Splashing some cold water over her face, she looked into the mirror, where a crack was going from left to right, making her look distorted. Her eyes always seemed too wide and her cheeks too puffed up, but she didn't care. She had no time to worry about her re-growing dark roots or the way that her scars and freckles were splattered around her face. It didn't matter. Her only role was to belong in the community and it seemed like she was failing that as well.

            Getting a cold can of some sort of boosted, sparkly drink, she pushed it into her shirt, in her bra, hissing from the cold sensation against her chest. Grabbing the blanket off her bed, she headed to the window, opening it and crawling outside, holding on to the edge of the window. She ignored the fact that she was positioned at the fifteenth floor and she moved slowly, her palms pressed against the window to the ladder of the building that was just one meter away from her bedroom window.

            She climbed the ladder up, about four stories up until she reached the highest point of the building, She positioned herself in the middle of it, turning to sit where the wall was visible the best, and the darkness beyond it. She wrapped the blanket around herself and took out the can out of her bra, opening it and taking a sip.

            The drink was horrible – it tasted like chemicals, but the intense sparkles that went up to your nose and made your eyes tear up were slightly addicting. Besides, it was either that, booze or water. And she didn't want to get wasted before work.

            "Did you bring another one?" A similar voice caught her and she didn't even turn to meet that person, because she knew that it was Tori, who had a pretty similar sleep schedule to her.

            "Does my bra look like a fridge to you?" Wave mumbled as her best friend took a seat beside her, ripping one edge of the blanket away from her and wrapping them both with it.

            Tori looked at her shirt, specifically at her cleavage, "You could fit at least three cans in there, at least."

            Wave and Tori have been best friends ever since Wave began her training to become a real Dauntless. Even if they had a decade separating them, they grew fond of each other. It wasn't easy to make acquaintances, it was even harder to make friends. But the two of them really hit off in the past couple of years, making Wave feel a bit better about this shitty place.

            The younger woman passed her the opened drink, looking at the wall.

            Tori took a sip, pursing her lips from the burning sparkles and she groaned: "Jesus fucking Christ, whatever they put in there can't be right..."

            Wave snorted a laugh and shook her head.

            "So," Tori started and the younger one knew where this was going. "Appointed with Four, right?"

            "It's my father's reasoning to make the—females feel safer in the initiation."

            Tori blew a raspberry and rolled her eyes, taking another sip: "Right, and when you were an initiative, there weren't any female mentors. And look at you – you grew up to be a—"

            "A traumatised woman?" The bleached blondie deadpanned.

            "Who isn't traumatised in this faction? Or—in this community?" Tori shrugged. "All I'm saying is that your father is probably looking out for you... You know, to keep this faction going."

            Wave's mouth moved in pure disgust, frowning, she offered her friend a glare and shook her head: "That is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard! Besides, my father is well aware of my rivalry with Four. I can't even describe how many times I got lectured about being so hot-headed around him."

            The dark-haired woman only snickered, watching how easy it was to get her friend so worked up. Just mention Four and she will ignite like a matchstick. "All I'm saying is—he has a nice back," she passed the drink back and pushed her hands in a defensive motion. "I was fixing up his tattoo the other day."

            "What's his tattoo by the way?" Wave asked, ignoring the fact that Tori mentioned his nice back—he did have a really nice body even if she didn't want to admit it.

            Tori blinked a few times, "You haven't seen it?"

            "Well, why the hell would have I ever seen it?" The blondie gasped and from the way Tori didn't respond, her jaw dropped to the floor. "Are you kidding me?! Where did you get the idea that I hooked up with him?"

            "Harrison might or might've not witnessed your fight with Four a few days ago... You should've seen his face when he ran into the studio and firmly stated that you both hooked up. He said, and I quote—'No one has that kind of tension if they haven't slept together.' His words, not mine!"

            Wave managed to close her mouth and she shook her head: "Well, I assure you I haven't slept with him and I assure you that Harrison will wake up without his ponytail."

            Harrison's blond ponytail was his most prized possession. There wasn't a time where you would talk with him and he wouldn't mention it at least once. He was a pretty fun guy, always good with jokes as Dauntless was usually pretty boring and he surprisingly came along with Four well, considering that the two of them were the polar opposites.

            "To take your mind and pretend that you didn't hear it from me..." Tori shifted in her seat. "Erudites have been snooping."

           Wave let out a sigh, moving her head forwards and backwards. At least she wasn't paranoid about this thing. The leaders of Dauntless acted innocent even if everyone saw that they were getting too close to those smart-asses. No one liked that, but they didn't have a choice and sucked it up. "You think they are searching for more Divergents?"

            Tori uncomfortably moved in her seat. Indeed, she lost her own brother just a few years ago as soon as Erudite sniffed out that he was a Divergent. An accident, that was orchestrated by Erudites and a sister that was left with a broken heart and boiling rage for the Erudite faction. It was silly how much Erudites wanted to take Divergents down. So smart, but not able to understand that not everyone can be fitted in a fraction.

           "Probably. There are more transfers this year," Tori replied in a small voice, bitter about her brother's death.

            Wave shook her head in disbelief, "I just can't understand how my father is letting all of this happen. When did we become marionettes?"

            Tori shrugged, pushing her hands to her knees and hugging them, "Something's bad about to happen, Wave... People at the salon are whispering some bullshit gossip, but I just know... I know something's bad about to happen."

            "Let's leave. Let's go beyond. I'm not gonna become a weapon for Erudites so they can be in government," Wave seriously remarked and received a little chuckle from her best friend.

            "There is nothing out there. You know that," Tori mumbled, pushing a few strands of her hair between her fingers as they both had this conversation many times. She didn't know exactly why Wave was so obsessed with what was out there.

            "There is nothing out here," Wave pointed out.

            Tori grabbed the drink from her hands and shook the can: "We have this—whatever this is and—with whom you would argue out there, huh?"

            Wave chuckled and shook her head, placing her head on her friend's shoulder and closing her eyes. She knew Tori was right – there was nothing out there. Just a place, trying to come back to life after wars. But then why did she feel like there was something more, something more for her? If not, what was the purpose of it all?

♖ ♖ ♖

            The bitter, acidic taste of vomit stuck in her throat and it was starting to piss her off. The water was dripping down her chin, glistening her chapped lips with the essence of survival. Her hands were slightly shaking, her eyes were looking for unfriendly shadows that seemed to want to attack her. Paranoid. Wave was feeling paranoid again.

            She could not go on like this—insanity was her future that she didn't want to explore. The dream of hers, of the bright surroundings, of the hope, of white coats—of her fake memories; it all happened again. The same dream infiltrated her mind, breaking her needed night's sleep and planting the seed of fear into her chest.

           That's why she wiped her chin, gulping the rising vomit in her throat for the hundredth time already. Her guts were twisted in nervous motion, making her feel as if something huge was taken away from her, as if she was exiled from her home. What worried her the most was, that she didn't understand anything—it felt like her memories, but she couldn't remember them. It felt as if that was a huge part of her, but not anymore.

           Wave smacked the weaponry door far too roughly and with the same force she closed it, the metal banging against metal creating a certain shake underneath her steps. She couldn't really decipher if she was feeling angry or terrified, but she felt weird. The pain in her forearms wasn't easing and she doesn't think it was anything to do with the fight between her and Four.

           It was already late and there were dormitories near the weaponry, but she did not give a damn in the world. She pushed the drawer with pistols out, grabbing one of them and pushing it into the belt of hers. Another of her hand was already stretched into another drawer, taking out a good handful of bullets and pushed them into the pocket of her jacket.

           She shut the drawers with her knees, biting her lip in stress, feeling the metallic taste in her mouth from the wound that wasn't yet properly healed and as soon as she moved into the staircase, she heard footsteps into the other end, echoing to her direction.

           The woman halted, pushing the staircase's door shut and pushing her head to the cold metal that made her body freeze from the shivers for a few seconds as she held in a deep breath in her lungs. Something was not right.

          "Are you sure she is not there?" A woman's voice appeared in the distance where the door to the weaponry stood.

          "No, no one is in here in the night," Wave's father's voice made the girl's eyes widen behind the door and slightly move back, feeling the way her hands started to shake.

           Soon enough the door into the weaponry opened and Wave felt as if she was going to explode—no one dared to get into this room without Wave's permission. No one actually went into this room just to wander as it was always locked and Dauntless knew better than to steal guns and cause danger to each other. That didn't explain what her father was doing with a woman whose voice clearly belonged to the Erudite leader Jeanine.

           "I do have to say that the reviews she has sent were quite impressive," Jeanine admitted, her heels clinging to the weaponry that made Wave's blood boil. "I need as many Dauntless as possible, you know that."

           "I can assure you that the initiates are going to be ready soon. You will get your numbers," George replied, making Wave push her head back from the door and hold her breath.

            Of course, Wave knew that something was going on between the Dauntless and Erudite factions. Nevertheless, she had no idea that they were planning something forbidden. A revolution? A war? Why were Dauntless leaders complying with the annoying commands of the Erudite? And for God's sake, why were they in the weaponry in the middle of the night?

           "The serums will be delivered soon. Make sure everything goes on smoothly," Jeanine informed, her voice sounded almost robotic and it made the lump in Wave's throat go even higher, making her feel the disgusting taste of her own vomit. "Oh, and make sure you control your own daughter. I will keep an eye on her."

          "She is not a Divergent, Jeanine. I checked her test results - you don't need to worry about her," George admitted, not an ounce of concern for his own daughter in his voice.

           So Tori was right, something was brewing against Divergents again, meaning that there have been some breaches with the testing system this year, some overwriting. Since Tori was doing the tests once again, she would be the only person who would deal with Divergents and overwrite their test results instead of giving them straight into the hands of execution.

           Wave slowly pushed her back into the wall behind her, feeling as if she couldn't breathe. Could it actually be that her leadership was never offered to her just because she seemed like a Divergent even if she wasn't? Was her father actually fine with the fact that his daughter was being watched over a magnifying glass?

            She had to do something and she had to do something fast. For that, she will need an expert that can work with computers and she knows where to find one.

author's note,

I'm horrible that I updated only now— BUT, i got inspiration only tonight and I hope I will keep on having it— so sorry for the long wait, you don't deserve that...

on the other note, how are you enjoying this book? also tori and wave >>>

-sunny xx