Chapter 09 | Queen of Making Bad Decisions

"You really want to break up?" Connor asks the next morning over the phone.

"No, I don't really want to break up," I say, shaking my head with a small sigh.

"Then why did you text me and say that you think we should break up?" He wonders, referring to the text I sent him about fifteen hours ago after Graham left.

"Well, you wouldn't reply to any of my texts, so I had to do something to get your attention," I explain and now that I think about it, it sounds pretty ridiculous.

"It's not like I was purposely ignoring you, babe. I'm here to work, you know," Connor sighs. "I'm busy. And the huge time difference isn't really helping things."

"I know that you're working and I know that you're busy and everything, but there's a lot we need to talk about and I'm not sure it can all wait two whole weeks."

"Alright," He sighs again and I can't tell if he's annoyed or just tired. "Well, I have a few minutes now before I have to leave to meet my parents for dinner."

"Okay," I awkwardly reply and then clear my throat. "So..." I start, but stop short and think about whether or not I should tell him about the kissing thing.

"You just have about five minutes here, babe," Connor reiterates after a few long seconds of dead silence.

"Okay, so who's Olivia?" I blurt, deciding against telling him. I'll tell him when he gets back home. Maybe.

Okay, so that's probably not true. It's what I'm going to tell myself so I don't feel too bad about it though.

"Who?" Connor asks, sounding confused, as if it wasn't yesterday morning when he stood square in the middle of my living room and told this "Olivia" he loves her.

"Olivia," I echo, sitting up in my bed. "You were talking to her yesterday before you left for the airport," I remind him. "You thought that I was asleep, but I was up."

"Oh," He mumbles. "Sorry if I woke you up," He apologizes.

"It's fine, Connor," I reply. "I just want to know who she is."

"She's..." Connor starts to say, but I think he loses what he's going to say, because he just kind of trails off.

"She's...what?" I prod, starting to get a little bit annoyed. It is just way too early in the morning for games.

"She's not important," He decides. "She's no one you need to worry about," He assures me.

"Well, if she's so unimportant, then why did you tell her that you love her?" I ask him then.

"Sawyer," Connor sighs again. "It's just...it's really complicated, you know? It would take ages to explain."

"Okay, but it's the summer," I remind him. "I've got nothing but time, so you can just tell me now, yeah?"

"I can't," He refutes. "I told you, I have to go and meet my parents for dinner in just a couple of minutes."

"Is our relationship really not more important to you than your dinner?" I ask and I don't mean for it to sound so rude, but after I say it, I realize how bad it sounds.

"Our relationship is important, babe, you know that, but this dinner is important too," Connor says. "My parents and I are talking with some of the board members."

"I get that, but I'm just really confused and everything is kind of sucking and I just want to be able to talk to my boyfriend about it."

"I know, I know, I know," He asserts and then sighs again. "But I do know exactly what you're thinking and it's not that at all, babe."

"So Olivia isn't some sort of secret Italian girlfriend?" I ask. "Because that's kind of what I'm thinking."

"She's not some sort of secret Italian girlfriend," He denies. "I'll explain everything when I come back."

"You're not coming home for two whole weeks."

"Two weeks really isn't that long a time though."

"Okay, I'm hanging up now," I decide because now I'm upset and I just don't even want to talk anymore.

"Wait, are you mad?" Connor asks, again sounding all confused, as if the answer to that isn't so obvious.

"Yes, I am mad!" I exclaim before remembering that Aspen's asleep on the couch. I hope she's not up because I so don't want talk to her about this once we hang up.

"But why?" He asks and a part of me thinks he asks to annoy me, but another part of me thinks he's genuinely confused, like it's okay that he told Olivia he loves her.

"Okay, goodbye, Connor," I say, about to pull the phone away from my ear and hang up because that's how annoyed I am.

"Wait, no, don't hang up," Connor pleads. I don't say anything though, so I think he thinks I do it anyway. "Babe, you there?"

"Yeah," I sigh, falling back on my bed and letting out a deep breath. "Maybe we should just break up," I suggest. "You think?"

"No, I don't think," He quickly denies. "I mean, unless you want to. I don't want to, but if you want to, we could."

"I just want you to tell me what's going on," I exasperatedly explain. "And you won't and it's making me so sad."

And while that's true, I don't think that the fact that Connor isn't telling me about Olivia is what's making me so sad. I really think that it's the fact that I feel so gross and guilty about what happened with Graham last night. I mean, yeah, it was just a kiss, but still. I'm with Connor (at least, I think I'm still with Connor) and kissing other people when you're with someone else is definitely something you should avoid at all costs. Especially if said other people includes your ex-boyfriend of nearly four years who happens to be having a child in just a couple of short months. And I feel so bad because I remember how I felt way back when in high school when I saw Graham kissing Carson in the vacation home in Cape Cod. I literally felt like I'd be stabbed in the back and shot in the lung. Not that I'd know how that feels. If I had to guess though, I would say that it feels bad. So, yeah, thinking about it, that's probably the source of my sadness and it, in itself, is probably misdirected guilt.

"Okay," Connor sighs. "I'll tell you, but just don't jump to any conclusions. I promise it's fine and I promise I'm not cheating on you, okay?"

"Yeah," I nod, thankful for the fact that he's actually going to give me some information. "So what exactly is going on with this Olivia girl?"

"Alright, so Olivia is my ex," Connor begins and without even meaning to, I just kind of zone out right then and there.

And then I start to ask myself why do I always fall for boys who are still caught up with their exes? Granted, I've only really fallen for two boys and Graham wasn't like head-over-heels in love with Carson or anything (he actually kind of hated her, I think) and it doesn't seem like Connor's too strung out over Olivia, but then again, he did straight up tell her he loves her. I think about the answer to that question for a second though and then I realize exactly what it is. 

Both of the boys I've ever had really strong feelings for are just really good guys. And that's the problem. When I fell for Graham, he was the golden boy football player with the pretty eyes and the charming smile. And when I feel for Connor, he was the nice guy genius with the corny jokes and the charismatic personality. Maybe it's just a fact of life that nice boys with pretty eyes and good personalities tend to date girls who end up being not-so-great and then those girls just can't get over them. Or maybe I'm cursed.

"Sawyer, are you listening to me?" Connor asks about a half a minute later once he's realized that I'm no longer there.

"I'm listening," I assure him. "I'm just being quiet because I don't want to miss anything," I explain. "Just keep going."

"Okay, so yeah, like I was saying, Olivia and I were together for... I want to say it was about two and a half years or so. Basically, our parents worked together, so that's kind of how we met each other. And so yeah we were together for a little bit, but then something happened with her father's company and he had to move the family to Europe. Well, Italy, to be exact. So she lives here, but don't get any ideas, please. I'm in Milan and she's in Naples and the two are a good five, maybe six, hours away from each other. We haven't seen each other or anything and I'm pretty sure we're not going to. 

"The only reason she even knows I'm here is because my mom told her mom and she probably told her or something, I don't know. But we don't keep in touch and we're not really good friends, so you have no reason to be worried. She more than likely doesn't even know that I'm dating something. She's not crazy, like, if she would've known I was seeing someone, she wouldn't have called or anything. And the only reason she did is because she wants me to get together with her and some of her friends for drinks. I told her that I couldn't though because this is a business trip, not a leisure trip, and she was okay with it and that was that. And as for the bit at the end, where I told her that I love her, that wasn't... you know, like... it wasn't something I meant to say. It was just kind of a force of habit, I guess," He explains and stops.

And at first I'm annoyed by that because it sounds like bullshit to me. The last part, anyway. You don't just tell someone that you love them out of "force of habit." If you're telling someone that you love them, it's because you do love them. But then I remembered that just a short while ago, when Graham was coming back to town and called me to ask me to talk, he ended the call telling me he loves me. Well, the voicemail. And then he claimed like two seconds later that it was just out of habit. So I guess it is possible. That doesn't make it okay though. I admittedly do still have feelings for Graham, but do you think I ever end a call with him telling him that I love him? Nope. And why is that? Because I have a boyfriend. Well, I kind of have a boyfriend. I think. Maybe I don't.

"But Olivia was my first true love, you know," Connor continues. "So I guess in a way I always will love her just a little bit. But it's not like I want to be with her anymore. I want to be with you and I hope you still want to be with me. I mean, it's pretty obvious that you still have some feelings for your ex-boyfriend, but I don't bring it up because I know you don't want to talk about it. And that's okay. As long as we're on the same page here and as long as you're with me because you want to be, not because you feel like you have to be, it's fine. I can deal with some lingering feelings. I just need to know that you want this as much as I do," Connor tells me.

And then I feel my face flame red because he pretty much just told me that he knows I'm still in love with Graham. And that's embarrassing because 1. He's my boyfriend for crying out loud and 2. I didn't think it was that obvious that I'm not really over Graham just yet. I thought that I was doing a really great job hiding it, but I guess I actually wasn't. So that's embarrassing and it kind of makes me want to flush myself down the toilet or jump headfirst out of my window or something.

"Did you hear me?" Connor asks.

"I heard you," I confirm, sighing.

"Does th—"

"I kissed Graham," I blurt, deciding that as long as we're getting all deep and whatnot, I should just throw it out there. Besides, if I didn't tell him now, I never would.

"What?"

"Well, technically I didn't kiss him," I correct myself. "He kissed me, but it still happened and I felt really bad about it, so I just thought that I should tell you and—"

"Sawyer, I gotta go," Connor tells me and I really wish that he wasn't so hard to read, because he kinda sounds mad, but then again he also sounds kinda unbothered.

"Wait, but isn't that something we should talk about?"

"We can later, I'm already late to dinner," He states.

"Okay, well, you'll call me later, right?"

"I'll call you later, yeah," Connor says.

"Okay, well I lo—" I start to tell him that I love him, but before the words are out, the line goes dead and then my phone hangs itself up. "Well alrighty then," I sigh.

Okay, so I think he's mad. Or maybe he really was just late for the dinner. I don't know. He's probably not calling back though, so I guess I'll just never really know.

I connect my phone to the charger and then look behind me, where my brand new puppy, Arizona, is sleeping in her comfy little pet bed that Piper picked up for her. I'm about to pick her up and tell her how much I love her, but before I can, the doorbell rings all throughout the little apartment. And because I don't want to wake my friends up, I quickly hop up off of the bed and hurry into the living room, pulling the front door open without checking the peephole. I should get out of that habit.

"You have to stop just opening the door without even asking who it is, Sawyer," Beckett warns me.

"There's a peephole," I remind him, closing the door behind him as he walks inside. "I checked it."

"You're a liar, but okay," Beckett chuckles. "Anyway, I just came to make sure you're okay."

"I'm super-duper okay," I nod, running my fingers through my hair. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Because I punched you in the face," He reminds me. "Here, let me see your eye," He says before stepping closer to me and grabbing my face in freakishly large hands.

"My eye's fine, Beck," I assure him, getting out of his hold. "I mean, it's not pretty, but I can see just fine and my back only hurts a little, but otherwise, I am a-okay."

"Are you sure?" He skeptically asks me, grabbing my face again and looking at my eye. "I don't know, that eye really disgusting. Want me to take you to the hospital?"

"Going to the hospital is totally unnecessary," I decide, swatting his hands away. "I'll put an ice pack on and the swelling will go down and it'll be fine, so don't worry."

"Are you sure? Because I feel really bad," Beckett tells me. "I really didn't mean to hit you, you know that, right? Your douchebag ex-boyfriend is just fucking terrible."

"He's not that terrible," I laugh and then nod again. "But yeah, I'm sure and I know that you didn't mean to hit me. Probably my fault for getting between you two."

"Not your fault," Beckett denies, shaking his head. "But I picked you up some stuff on the way over here, just to kind of say I'm sorry." Then he holds up a medium-sized pink gift bag full of gold tissue paper. "I don't really know too much about this kind of stuff, but I saw it at a store and thought that you might like it," He adds.

"Aww, Beck, you didn't have to buy me anything; I already forgave you," I remind him, but I take the bag from him anyway. "Thanks though, that was nice of you."

"I'm a nice person when I'm not beating up my baby sister," Beckett explain and then motions for me to open my gift. "So take a look at it, tell me what you think."

So I set the bag down on the counter in the kitchen and remove all of the tissue paper. Then I pull out a narrow, but awkwardly heavy, black wooden box. I put the box down on the counter as well then and lift it open and inside, I see there's just a bunch of different sized paintbrushes and a rainbow of tiny bottles of paints. It's an art set, basically, and while it is so adorable and so nice of my brother to have gotten for me, I really don't paint anymore. Like...ever, just to be completely honest.

"You don't like it," Beckett states.

"No, I do like it," I deny. "I love it."

"Yeah, see, Aspen told me that you're not super into the art thing anymore, but I don't know, it seemed like something you would like," He explains.

"I've just been really busy lately," I reply, which is true. I've only been done with schools a couple of weeks now. "But I really love it so much, Beck."

"Here, just take some cash," Beckett says, pulling his wallet out of his back pocket and opening it, taking out a few different bills.

"Beckett, I'm not going to take your money," I laugh, shaking my head and rolling my eyes. "I told you it's not that big of a deal."

"But it is and I'm not going to feel okay about it unless you take this money, so just take it and put me out of my misery," He says, shoving the money into my hands.

"You're ridiculous, but okay," I chuckle, eventually taking the money and pushing it into the pocket of my pajama pants. I'm not actually going to keep it though; I'd feel really weird if I did that. I'll just wait until he leaves his wallet around me and put it back. Or I'll give it to Mom and tell her to give it back to him as part of an upcoming birthday gift or something. It's just that it looked like a lot of money — I saw a lot of Ben Franklin's face — and I'd feel bad if I took it because he feels bad.

"Are you hungry?" Beckett randomly asks then and I shrug. "You look hungry. Let me take you to lunch, my treat."

"If you're paying, then I'm coming," I decide, nodding my head. "Oh, but did you know your fiancée stayed here?" I ask, suddenly remembering my sleeping friend.

"I didn't," He replies, shaking his head. "I thought she was at her dad's house, but I should have figured she stayed the night over here."

"Yeah, Piper and I were helping her plan the wedding," I explain, leading him into the living room, where Aspen's snoring on the couch.

"I'm not surprised," Beckett says, sitting down next to her on the couch and grabbing one of her hands in his. "She's so excited for this whole wedding thing, I think."

"She is. You know she really wants to have the fairy tale kind of life," I remind him, plopping down on the recliner. "What about you, though? Are you excited too?"

"I'm excited," He nods. "I know we're still kind of young, but I also know that I'm never going to love anyone else even half as much as I love Aspen."

"How cheesy of you," I jokingly reply, to which my brother responds by throwing the remote at me. "I'm just kidding," I laugh, dodging it just barely.

"Okay, well, hurry up and get ready so we can go and get some food; I'm starving," Beckett says.

"Okay, okay, okay, I'm going," I say, standing back up and making my way back to my bedroom.

In my room, I get out of my pajamas and throw on a random Suffolk University t-shirt, a pair of blue jean shorts, and my black Birkenstock sandals. I generally put just a little bit more effort into getting ready, but it's just breakfast with my brother. That being said, I decide not to put on my usual make up and I throw my hair up in its habitual messy bun before making my way to the living room, where I hear Aspen talking.

"I took another one last night when Pipes and S went to sleep," Aspen tells Beckett in a teary tone. "It was the same as all the others though. What am I doing wrong?"

"Babe, you're not doing anything wrong," Beckett assures her, grabbing her hand and pulling her up into a sitting position, then pulling her in for a hug. "It's okay."

Even though I have absolutely no idea what it is they're talking about and even though I would love to keep listening, that wouldn't be right. Whatever it is though, it must be a pretty big deal. Beckett doesn't really tell me much of anything, but Aspen's still my best friend and she still tells me everything. So the fact that she hasn't told me about whatever's got her so emotional is a little bit concerning. Maybe it's nothing though. Or maybe it is. Whatever. They'll tell me whenever they're ready.

"Morning sunshine," I chirpily greet my best friend, trying to make it seem as though I didn't hear what I heard. "Aww, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" I wonder.

"I'm just so happy that I'm finally getting to marry this guy," Aspen explains, gesturing to Beckett with a huge (fake) grin. What an idiot. And I do mean that in the most loving way possible. See, the thing is, Aspen and I have been friends for years. I know the girl better than I know myself and I know when she's faking a smile. And the smile on her face right now is about as fake as Kim Kardashian's ass. "I think all this thinking about the wedding is just getting me all emotional," She adds.

"That's nothing to cry about, you goose," I laugh. "Anyway, Beckett and I are going to breakfast; do you wanna come with?"

"No," Aspen replies, shaking her head and wiping away her tears. "I'm not that hungry and my sister and I are meeting up."

"Alrighty then," I say, deciding not to prod. "Ready to go?" I ask Beck.

"I was ready when I walked in the door," He informs me, standing up.

"Let's go to one of those places that has the tables outside so I can bring Karev and Arizona with us," I suggest.

"You want to bring your dogs to breakfast?" He asks and when I nod, he chuckles. "Isn't that a little bit weird?"

"Nope, it's not weird at all," I deny, walking over to the arm chair that Karev's perched up on, playing with his favorite chew toy. "They need to get some fresh air."

"Well, I guess I'd rather have to deal with your dogs over your deadly cat," Beckett agrees. "Seriously, hurry up though; I'm literally starving. I'll go and get the car."

"Has Beck always been that impatient?" I ask Aspen once Beckett walks out of the apartment.

"Only when he hasn't had anything to eat for a couple of hours," Aspen explains with a laugh.

I laugh at that and then decide that I should probably go ahead and get Arizona and Karev ready before Beckett pulls the car around and blows as blood vessel. So I put Karev's collar around his neck and then go back to my bedroom where Arizona is and get her down off of the bed. 

Since she's still just a puppy, she can't get in and out of the bed by herself, which doesn't mean she doesn't try. I've had her less than twenty-four hours and she's already tried (and failed) to jump up on the bed several times. I hook her collar around her neck too and carry her back into the living room, setting her down. Then I attach Arizona and Karev's retractable leashes.

After I have them ready, I say bye to Aspen and leave the apartment with Arizona and Karev. I make my way down to the first floor and outside, where Beck is waiting.

"They're not going to pee in my car, are they?" Beckett asks me as I'm getting into the passenger seat with my dogs.

"I don't think so," I say, even though it's actually entirely possible that Arizona might. She doesn't know any better.

"Okay, well, if they do, I'm billing you."

"Send it to mom; I'm broke," I chuckle.

"I literally just gave you $450," Beckett scoffs.

"No," I laugh. "I think I would remember that."

❁ ❁ ❁ ❁ ❁

"So, are Mom and Dad mad at me?" I sheepishly ask Beckett about twenty minutes later after we've arrived at the restaurant and found a table on the terrace outside.

"No, I don't think so," Beckett replies through a mouthful of pizza. "Why would they be?"

"Well, because I was supposed to babysit Nicholas and Savannah yesterday and then Graham came over and then you came over and there was the whole fight thing."

"Oh," He says, looking all guilty. "No, Chace just took them to the park and then home."

"And they didn't care?" I ask again, just to be sure. I really like getting to babysit my baby siblings, so I would hate for my parents to stop letting me because of this.

"Nicholas and Savannah were perfectly fine, so no, they didn't care," Beckett assures me.

I nod my head and then pick up two French fries from my plate and toss them down to Arizona and Karev, who greedily gobble them down. Originally, Beckett and I were going to have breakfast, but decided against it when we came across this place, Hillside. There used to be on in Andover, so when we were young and before our mom and Tom divorced, we'd use to go there as a family. So when we saw that they'd opened this one here in Boston, we decided to be nostalgic and come here.

"I'm still really sorry, you know," Beckett says after a momentary silence. "I still feel terrible."

"If you don't quit apologizing, I'm calling you and Uber so you can go and I can eat in peace."

"Well, I'm the one paying, so that wouldn't really work out for you, now would it?" He chuckles.

"I'll just steal your credit card and order a bunch of stuff and it would work out just fine," I joke.

Beckett laughs again and then there's another silence, which is...weird. People say that I talk a lot, but Beckett is the real motor mouth in the family. He almost always has something to say and if he doesn't, then something's definitely wrong. And I'm willing to bet that whatever it is has something to do with why Aspen was crying.

"Beckett, what's going on with you and Aspen?" I blurt, despite the fact that I was telling myself half an hour ago that I'd let them tell me whenever they were ready.

"We're planning for our wedding, what do you mean?" He asks, giving me a weird look.

"Well, I know that, but she was crying and now you're being all weird and quiet," I state.

"Aspen told you herself, those were tears of joy," Beckett reiterates. "Everything is completely fine between the two of us and if it wasn't, you know that I'd tell you."

"Yeah, the thing is, Aspen's my best friend and she's a horrible liar and has a terrible poker face, which is how I know that she was crying sad tears, not happy tears."

Beckett goes quiet for a second again and I assume that's just because he's trying to think of what he can say instead of telling me what's wrong. I guess I can't blame him though. I don't like it when other people (Sienna) are all in my business either. He chucks some of his pizza crusts and leftover pepperonis down at my dogs, but Arizona has fallen asleep, so she doesn't even notice. Karev, on the other hand, pounces like he's a starving stray instead of a pampered pet who's fed three times day.

"I'm sorry," I apologize to my brother after about five minutes pass and he's still throwing food at my greedy dog. "It's completely okay if you don't want to tell me."

"I do want to tell you though," He sighs, closing his eyes and putting his head against the cobblestone wall behind him. "It's just that Aspen would be pissed if I did."

"Then don't tell," I advise. "I don't want to cause any problems between you two, so let's talk about something else," I suggest.

"Alright, why don't we talk about Cambridge?" Beckett offers, picking his head up and looking at me with his eyebrows raised.

"Yeah, let's not do that." I vehemently veto. "Let's talk about how cute Arizona is," I say, glancing down at my sleeping puppy.

"Why are you going all red?" Beckett wonders.

"I'm not going all red, you just had bad vision."

"My vision is 20/20, Sawyer" He assures me with a scoff. "I brought up Cambridge and you started blushing. What happened?"

"Nothing happened, Beck, you just read too much into things," I respond. "And I'm not blushing; this is my natural skin tone."

"I'm gonna call James and tell him that you're a pathological liar and see if he can do something about that for you, you know, being a psychologist and all that stuff."

"I'm not a pathological liar," I roll my eyes at him and then take another bite of my pizza. "There is only one pathological person at this table and that you, brother."

"You're still in love with him," Beckett suddenly says and it's not even a question, it's a statement.

"I'm not still in love with Graham, Beckett," I deny. "Well, okay, maybe I am kinda just a little bit."

"But you're dating that other guy?"

"Why does everyone ask me that?"

"Well, who's everyone?" He wonders.

"You, Aspen, Graham, Dad, everyone."

"Probably because all of us can see clear as day that you don't love that guy," Beckett shrugs.

"I do though," I strain. "Or if not, then I almost do. I really do like him though; he's so nice."

"He must be really nice if he's okay with the fact that his girlfriend is still in love with her ex-boyfriend," Beck agrees.

"Are you trying to make me feel shitty?" I wonder, getting annoyed at my stupid brother. "Because that's how I feel."

"I'm not trying to make you feel shitty," He sighs. "I'm trying to be a good brother."

"I'm just confused, I guess," I shrug. "Because I'm kinda just a little bit in love with Graham still and he's having a baby and I like Connor, but Connor loves his ex."

"Your new boyfriend told you that he's still in love with his ex-girlfriend?" He asks.

So then I explain to him the whole conversation from this morning with Connor. When I was first listening to Connor talk about how he'll always kind of love Olivia, it sounded like a load of bullshit, but now that I'm having this talk with my brother and sitting here thinking about it, it makes a lot of sense. He said that Olivia was the first girl he ever really loved and because of that, he could never truly stop loving her. So, yeah, that's probably what it is with Graham, right? It seems plausible.

"Maybe you just be single for a while," Beckett suggests. "You don't seem to have the greatest luck with dating."

"Yeah, tell me about it," I scoff. "I don't know though," I shrug. "I'm a little bit scared of being alone, honestly."

"What?" Beckett laughs.

"No, seriously, Beck," I say and he instantly stops laughing. "I'm just not very good at the whole being single thing, you know? Like did you know that the last time I was really single was like before I met Graham? And literally that whole year between the thing with Flynn and the time I met Graham, I was a mess. I mean, I literally almost killed myself. And Graham and I, we were together almost four years, but when we broke up, I got with Connor, so I hardly had time to feel alone. But there's no one else. If I break up with Connor, that's it. I'll be all by myself again," I explain and like the big baby I apparently still am, I start getting all emotional and teary.

"And I don't want to be all by myself again. Because I'm scared that if I'm all by myself again, I'll be a mess again. I know that it's pathetic and ridiculous and all of that, but it's the truth. I need to have someone, Beckett, like I physically need it to keep myself on the straight and narrow. Otherwise, the only person I'll have is me and then I'll start thinking back to what happened. And I know it was forever ago and that I should've gotten over it years ago, but I can't help but think about it every now and again. And when I do think about it, I get sad. And when I get sad, I think of how I used to be and I get even sadder. I don't want to be the old Sawyer again."

And then I'm crying. Like, full-blown, tears running down my face crying. And I don't even really know why. Maybe I really am as overemotional as people say I am.

I hear Beckett's chair scraping against the concrete flooring and I assume he's just moving around in the chair or something, but then I hear him get up and watch as he pulls the chair over right beside me and sits down in it. He leans over to me and throws his arm around my shoulder and pulls me over to him so I can put my head on his shoulder. And I just really hate it because 1. I'm getting his shirt all wet and B. I'm proving, yet again, that I'm 100% unqualified for this adulthood thing.

"Hey, come on now, stop that," Beckett urges. "Baby sister, you have to know by now that as long as I'm alive, you're not gonna be by yourself, not ever. It doesn't even matter that I'm the other side of the planet. You know that you can call me at literally any point in time, whether it be 2 a.m. your time or 2 a.m. my time and I'll pick up. And if you need me, I'll catch the next flight out to be here with you. Better yet, I can move back to the States if that what I need to do. You say the word, Sawyer, and I'll do it. Aspen and I can rent the old house from Mom and James and we can move you in with us and the dogs and even the little one, if you want to."

And I kind of laugh at that, despite the fact that I'm bawling, the fact that after all these years of me being friends with Piper, he still calls her stuff like "the little one."

"You can't move back to America, Beckett," I remind him a quiet voice. "Aspen loves Europe too much and both of you are just getting your careers going," I explain.

"Americans need lawyer too, you know," Beckett argues. "Especially us Massholes," He jokes. "And Aspen does love Europe, but she loves her best friend even more. The point is, you don't need to be in a relationship to be okay, Sawyer. And you definitely don't need to be in a relationship with someone you don't love so that you don't have to be alone. Life's way too short to waste time with people you don't love. All you really need in life is people that love you. Hell, all you need is one person that loves you and I'm always gonna love you, you know. Even when you mail me envelopes full of glitter and I have to hire a full carpet cleaning service to get it up."

And I laugh at that too, because that was actually so funny. I found a company that lets you send glitter to people and I thought, who better to send it to then Beck?

"I'm serious, just so you know. I will 100% move back if that's what you need. And we can have Movie Night on Mondays and Taco Night on Tuesdays and you won't have to be alone, because I'll be there and Aspen will be there, and the other one will be there, and your dogs will be there. Not the cat though. I draw the line there."

Instead of saying anything, I just use some napkins on the table to wipe my tears away and then I give my brother a grateful smile. And I would never to his face, but I really do hope that he considers moving back to the States. t the truth is, I do miss him (and Aspen) a lot and if there's anyone I can count on to make me feel at least a little bit better when I'm feeling down, it's Beckett. But because I know that he'd much rather stay in the United Kingdom, I just keep that small bit to myself.

❁ ❁ ❁ ❁ ❁

I sigh and put my phone down, fighting the urge to just go inside and order my food without Graham. He's literally half an hour later and he's the one who set this up. A couple of hours after I got back home from Hillside with Beckett, Graham texted and asked me to meet him here tonight so we could talk. What we really need to talk about though, I don't know. I mean, aside from the elephant in the room, which is the fact that we kissed, but talking about that would just be super awkward.

A couple of minutes later, Graham's BMW pulls in beside me and he gets out and so do I. This place that we're meeting at, Baxley's is a nice-ish restaurant just on the outskirts of Boston. 

We decided to meet here because we didn't want to go somewhere super casual like McDonald's or anything because those are always super busy around this time and we weren't going to go anywhere too fancy, because then people would think we're dating probably and we would have had to dress nice.

And I don't know about him, but I know that I, for one, don't like to dress up. I'm literally wearing the exact same thing that I wore to Hillside with Beckett earlier. And I didn't even attempt to do my hair or make-up in an effort to make myself look as unappealing as possible to Graham so that he won't feel tempted to kiss me.

"You could've started without me, I wouldn't have minded," Graham assures me as we walk together to the door.

"I could have, but that's just very rude," I say, pulling the door open before he can and walking inside before him.

"Okay," He laughs. "Do you want a table or a booth?" He wonders as we head back. I guess the good thing about it being so late is that there's only a few people here.

"Table," I immediately reply, not even thinking about it. I'm really more of a booth kind of girl, but booths are just a little more intimate and tables are pretty platonic.

So we find a table lined against the window, sit down, and look through the menu. After just a couple of minutes, a waitress who introduces herself as Britt comes over and she takes our orders. We both order similar pasta dishes and drinks (just normal sodas though, since we're both having to drive ourselves home after this).

"So, um, sorry I was late," Graham apologizes, obviously trying to start up a conversation.

"That's okay," I shrug. I mean, it was really annoying, but I'm sure there was a real reason.

"Yeah, Paisley had this Lamaze class thing so I kind of had to go to that with her," He explains.

"Yeah, no, of course," I reply, just to get him to stop talking about it. "It's good that you went."

"It was dumb," He continues, clearly not getting the hint. "They taught us how to change diapers, which was so pointless because I changed a shit ton of Nat's diapers."

I laugh at that then because I remember the first time Tucker and Cassidy had Graham babysit Natalie while they were gone to work. It was probably about four or five months after she was born and she was so tiny and fragile, but they were sure Graham could handle it. 

He couldn't, by the way. 

He called me over to his house like an hour after Tassidy, as I like to call them, left and he was so frazzled. He couldn't get her to lie still long enough for him to change her diaper, he didn't know how much Enfamil to put in her bottle, and he was completely unaware of the fact that he had to burp her after she ate. Hopefully he's prepared now for his own kid.

"How is she, by the way?" I wonder. "Well, not just Natalie, but the whole Cambridge Clan," I add, remembering the one time Graham referred to his family as such.

"Everyone in the Cambridge Clan is good," Graham chuckles. "Well, except for J. He misses you a lot, I think."

"Yeah, I miss him too," I truthfully reply. Jackson's ten now, so double digits, which is so crazy to think about.

"If you wanted to go and see him at some point, I'm sure that'd be okay," He says to me.

"You think so?" I wonder, giving him a curious look. "It wouldn't be weird or anything?"

"No, I don't think so," Graham says. "Like, he knows we broke up, so he might ask about that, but he loves you and so does my mom, so it'd be fine, I'm pretty sure."

"Okay, I'll try my best to make some time to go and see him then," I promise and then breathe a sigh of relief when I see Britt coming back to the table with our food.

And as she sets our plates and glasses down and walks away, another silence falls over us. It's probably just because neither of us knows what exactly to say or how to bring the whole kissing thing up, but the fact that there's a plate of pasta in front of me right now is definitely a good excuse for not talking. So we just sit there in total silence for a good ten minutes, scraping at our plates and sipping at our sodas.

"So, remember how I said that Cass is pregnant with a boy?" Graham randomly asks and when I nod, he says, "Well, it turns out she's actually having two of them."

"That's exciting," I say. Talking about babies, his or otherwise, is just so awkward. "But, wait, how are they just finding out? Did the doctor not see the other baby?"

"I don't know, I guess so," He shrugs. "Natalie is really upset about it though, apparently."

"Yeah, I bet," I laugh. She's a bit of a drama queen. "They're gonna have such a full house."

"Yeah and then I think after the twins are born, they want to try for at least one more kid, so they're going to have their hands full."

"Do you think they'll ever mix the twins up? Like after they're born and they have their names and stuff, do you think they'll forget which one is which and just call them by the other twin's name for their whole life?" I ask Graham. I think that would be funny. It'd be really confusing for the kids, but so hilarious to other people.

"Yeah, I really do think so, actually," Graham laughs. "Or probably Tucker will want to draw a dot on one of them or something."

All of a sudden, Graham's iPhone, which is face-up on the table, starts vibrating like crazy. I expect him to answer, but he doesn't. He just keeps eating his pasta like he doesn't see the screen all illuminated. It goes for a couple of seconds and then it stops, but promptly starts right back up. I glance down at it then and see Paisley's name on the screen. So I guess that's why he doesn't want to answer it. Whether it's because he just doesn't want to talk to her or because I'm right here, I'm not sure.

"Aren't you going to answer?" I ask. I've spoken to Paisley like twice, but she doesn't seem like in to Graham, so maybe something's wrong since she's calling so much.

"No," He says, shaking his head. "I was just with her like half an hour ago and she was fine so it's probably nothing too important."

"Maybe it is, though," I tell him as the phone starts to vibrate yet again. "Maybe there's something wrong with her and she needs your help or something," I suggest.

He looks at me for a long minute with a tired look on his face, but ultimately he nods and picks the phone up, putting it to his ear.

"What's up, Paisley?" He asks and obviously I can't hear her, but that's a good thing because she's probably going to talk about the baby and that's not really a subject I care to hear about. "Yeah, I'm here with her now... We're at Baxley's... Mad? No, I don't think she was mad that I was late... Wait, what?... That's disgusting, Paisley... Well, I bought some ice cream for that exact reason... Okay, okay, okay, yeah, fine, I'll pick them up on the way back... Yeah, crinkle cut, I got it... Hanging up now."

"Is she having weird cravings?" I guess once he hangs the phone up and sets it down.

"Yeah, like you wouldn't believe," Graham sighs. "She wants sliced pickles and Oreos."

"That's not so weird," I laugh. "Aspen eats that too, I think."

"Yeah, well that's because Aspen's a weird one," He jokes.

"Well, that's true," I agree. So, uh, we should probably talk about the kiss thing, yeah?"

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea," Graham nods, suddenly looking all uncomfortable.

"Yeah," I awkwardly agree. "So, I think that we probably shouldn't do that again."

"Yeah," Graham echoes, nodding again. "I think that that's probably for the best."

"With our whole situation, it's just a really bad idea."

"Did you tell your boyfriend about it?" Graham asks.

"Yeah I did," I confirm. "Do you think that was a bad idea? Should I have just not told him?"

"I don't think that I, as your ex-boyfriend, am qualified to give you any relationship advice."

Well, he's got a good point there.

"I never did explain what happened with that whole situation though, you know," He says.

"What situation?" I wonder, even though I'm about 99% sure I know exactly what situation.

"Well, the whole break up situation."

"Oh, we don't have talk about that," I assure him, waving my hand dismissively. "Honestly, there's really no reason to talk about it at this point."

"I know, but I still feel really bad about everything that happened, especially because I know you think that I cheated on you with her," He says.

"I don't think you cheated on me with her," I scoff.

"Well, that's what Sienna told me," Graham states.

"When are you going to realize that Sienna is snake faced rat whose current sole mission in life is to paint me in the worst light possible to you?"

"Come on, Sawyer, that's a little dramatic, isn't it?"

"No, it's not dramatic at all, it's the truth, Graham."

"Okay," He sighs. "Well, I'm glad you don't think that I cheated on you because it seemed like you did at first, but it's good that you don't think so."

"Yeah, that was never an issue, I told you that," I reiterate. "Life just gets hard sometimes and circumstances change and people change," I shrug.

"Did I change?" Graham asks then.

"I think we both changed," I admit. "It wasn't like a big major change though, I think it was more gradual, so neither of us even really noticed it."

"How did I change?" He wonders.

"Well, I don't know," I mumble, shifting awkwardly in my chair. "I think that once you left maybe you might have given up just a little bit on us—"

"What does that mean?" He asks.

You would think that he's getting all defensive and angry, but he's not. Like, he keeps asking questions, but I think he's just genuinely concerned.

"Well," I start, but then stop so I can think about how to phrase what I want to say without it seeming like I'm trying to place all of the blame on him. Because that's definitely not what I want to do. Even though Graham made a lot of stupid choice, I think I made my fair share of mistakes, so the last thing I want to do is make it seem as though I'm not at fault at here. "You kinda stopped coming to visit as much and when you did, we hardly spend any time together because you were always seeing your high school friends, and you had all these new Kansas friends and you forgot me, I think. Things were a lot different than I thought they were gonna be."

"I know I wasn't the best boyfriend," Graham quietly says after a second. "But I tried, Sawyer, I really did try. And I'm sorry if I didn't make time for you. I didn't realize I was paying less and less attention to you, I promise I didn't. And if I had noticed or you had told me, then I would have stopped and I would have changed."

"Yeah, I know," I mutter, putting my fork down and pushing my plate away, suddenly losing my appetite. "But I think that I might have changed just a little bit too."

"Maybe," Graham shrugs and then he gets this look on his face like he's thinking. "I think... maybe the spark just kind of fizzled out for you after I went to Kansas."

And it's at this very point that I realize that maybe this isn't something we should get in to. We're really going towards dangerous territory and I don't like that. But Graham seems insistent on talking about it. Our talks never seem to go well, so I have a pretty good feeling that this is going to end with at least one of us (me) crying.

"Yeah, I think so too, which is the whole entire reason why I came down to visit you in Kansas."

"But I wasn't there," He sighs and then he averts his gaze from me to down at the table.

"But you weren't there," I echo. "You were down in Florida frolicking on the beach with Paisley."

And of course it comes out sounding about a hundred times worse than I meant for it to.

"Well, it wasn't just Paisley," Graham reminds me. "It was a whole group of friends," He states.

"But you didn't even tell me that you were going and I drove all the way to Kansas for nothing."

"I know and I felt bad about that, but then you literally wrote me a note breaking up with me."

"Well if you would have answered your phone, I could have called you and did it."

"It's not exactly my fault that I didn't have cell service half the way there," He says.

"You could have just told you were going before you went, Graham," I mumble. "I wouldn't have cared if you would have just told me instead of just up and doing it."

"It was just a spur of the moment kind of thing, Sawyer, I told you that," Graham defends. "And if you would have just told me that you were coming to visit me in Kansas that weekend, I would have been there and we could have worked out the issues we were having. But you didn't. You showed up and expected me to be there."

"I expected you to be there because it's not like you told me any different," I snap, getting angry because it seems like he's trying to insinuate that it's just all my fault.

"Well, according to Sienna, you didn't tell me half the stuff that was happening here with that Connor guy," Graham responds and I instantly roll my eyes and groan.

"Look, I know that she's your friend, but she's a backstabbing barracuda, so I don't give a shit what she told you because chances are it was all just a bunch of bullshit."

"So you mean to tell me you weren't getting close to the guy that you started dating like two months after we broke up?" He asks, but it's clearly a sarcastic question.

"Well, I don't know, Graham, do you mean to tell me that you weren't getting close to the girl that you got pregnant like two hours after we broke up?" I exclaim then.

"You broke up with me, Sawyer, not the other way around," Graham mumbles but his face goes red and I can tell that he's feeling embarrassed, but I don't even care.

At this point, things are going from bad to worse. I'm shouting and two seconds from crying, Graham's looking like I just hit him in the face, and people are staring.

"I broke up with you physically, but you broke up with me emotionally and that's something that you can't deny!"

"I broke up with you emotionally?" Graham echoes and then scoffs. "What the hell does that even mean, Sawyer?"

"You left! You told me that you wouldn't leave me and then you left me here all alone for four years. Four! Now, you decide that you want to come back and you bring the girl you knocked up with you? And as if that's not bad enough, you decide you want to be my friend? And then you decide that, wait, no, that's not enough for you, so you decide that you're gonna kiss me? You can't have your cake and eat it too. You don't get me and a baby from another girl. Fuck that and fuck you, Graham!"

And now, I'm full blown screaming and sobbing and it's just a mess. But I decide that whatever Graham's going to say isn't something that I want to hear, so I stand up from the table, snatch up my car keys and stomp away from the table, ignoring the fact that Graham's calling my name. And I know that in this condition I really shouldn't even attempt to drive, especially since it's so late at night, but I think one thing that we can all agree on by now is that I'm the queen of making bad decisions.

Author's Note:

Hello my little Windmills and happy Wednesday. Fun fact: I took a Twitter poll of what name I should call you guys, my readers and followers, and Milliens (like millions) was in first place, but I decided I didn't like that as much as Windmills, which was in second place, so that's what I chose. 

So I have some pretty cool news about Saving Sawyer that I wanted to share with you. I put this up in a new part at the end of Saving Sawyer, but I know that a lot of people didn't read it, so I'll just say it again. This year, in August, I will be taking part in the Wattpad Block Party. And if you don't know what that is, basically it's just this story on Wattpad where certain featured authors submit a post that they want to share with their readers. My post will go live on Sunday, August 21st. (the day before I start college - shout out to the University of Arkansas) and it's what happens at the end of Saving Sawyer, the prom that you guys didn't get to read about. So if you're interested as to what went down at prom and after from Graham and Sawyer, you should definitely add the story (Wattpad Block Party - Summer Edition II) to your library so that you will be notified of when my post goes live. Also, I will be hosting a giveaway as part of the Wattpad Block Party. Five readers will be chosen completely at random to receive a paperback copy of Saving Sawyer. I'll even add a personalized message and send it to you. So that's something really exciting, so be sure to check that out on Sunday, August 21st.

Now moving on to the actual chapter. Any thoughts? What do you think of that conversation Sawyer had with Connor? And what about Olivia? Do you think that Sawyer actually will break up with him? Or vice versa? What do you think's up with Aspen and Beckett? Thoughts on Sawyer's talk with her brother? I actually teared up a bit writing it, ngl. And what about Sawyer's talk with Graham? Who are you siding with and why? Any predictions?

Picture: Beckett Jameson (Zac Efron) 

Song: Rear View by Zayn 

Dedication: So lots of really lovely comments on the last chapter, but I've decided to dedicate this one to serendipity1989. Other comments that I especially loved were comments from mahirafarhin, xmelodyx, sabbbycat, and cookiedoughlover13