Chapter 10 | Blood Doesn't Make A Family

"Maybe Beckett and I should just go to court and let the Justice of the Peace marry us," Aspen randomly suggests.

"Justice of the Peace?" I echo, glancing over at her from the wedding dress magazine I'm flipping through. "Why?"

"I'm just so over all of this planning and all of this spending and all of this stress," She sighs. "It's all so annoying."

"You've been planning your dream wedding since we were kids," I remind her. "What's really going on with you?"

Aspen and I are currently over at my mom and dad's house planning for her (and Beckett's) wedding. Well, maybe I shouldn't say we're planning for the wedding, because it's really just me. Aspen just kind of sitting down on the other end of the couch, staring up at the ceiling and that's exactly what she's been doing since she got here about an hour ago.

For the past week or so, she's been really down in the dumps and I can't figure out why for the life of me. Ever since that morning a few days back when Beck came over to the apartment to see me and she started crying to him about something, she's been so sad. Over what though, I have no idea, because she refuses to talk to me (or anyone) about it.

Whenever I bring it up, she just changes the subject. And it's not just her either, it's Beckett too. Whenever something's really bothering him, he'll talk to me about it, but he's made it clear that whatever is going on just isn't up for discussion.

And now she's talking about cancelling the wedding and just getting married by the Justice of the Peace downtown, so now I know for sure that whatever's going on with the two of them must be something major. Aspen's always been the kind of girl who wanted to go all out for her wedding. I mean, since I've known the girl, she's been collecting pictures from wedding magazines and putting them in a scrapbook in preparation for the day she finally got engaged. So for her to be willing to throw years and years of planning down the drain, she must be going through something really terrible.

Before Aspen says anything in response to my question though, in walks Chace. Since he's back home from Tennessee for the summer, he's been staying here with our parents (that's still so weird to say) and the kids, for whatever reason.

"I just can't take it anymore," Chace huffs, plopping down in the armchair, grabbing the remote, and turning on the TV.

"Can't take what anymore?" I ask him, deciding to give the Aspen thing a rest for now. I'll get her to spill sooner or later.

"Babysitting," He sighs. "I don't know how Dad and Heather handle them all the time. They're so needy and energetic."

Since Chace is staying here with our parents for the next few months, he's become something like an on-call babysitter for Nicholas and Savannah. So when our parents have to work or run errands or whatever, Chace has to babysit for them. They usually send the kids to daycare, but I guess they figured they'd use Chace since they don't have to pay him.

Luckily for him though, he's gotten a bit of a pass these last few days. Ever since my disastrous dinner with Graham last week, I've been staying here too. It's just that my apartment is so full of Graham and I can't stand to be there. 

A few of his old shirts and hoodies are still there and just a bunch of other stuff he never reclaimed and I can't bring myself to throw it all away, so I've decided to avoid the apartment entirely. Not the most logical decision, but that doesn't matter.

Speaking of Graham, we haven't talked since that night and I'm beginning to think that that very well might have been the last time we'll ever talk. He's tried calling me, but at the time I didn't want to hear his voice because I was still pretty upset over the dinner debacle. And by the time I was ready to talk to him a couple of days ago, I guess he didn't want to talk to me because he didn't answer. But that's understandable, of course. I'm sure this whole situation is hard for him.

"But they're so cute though," I remind him. "And Aspen and I are almost done anyway, so I can take them for a while."

"You're a life saver," Chace sighs. "I mean, really, if I had to change one more diaper, I was gonna blow my brains out."

"That's a little dramatic, Chace," I chuckle, giving him a weird look. "What are you gonna do when you have kids then?"

"It's not at all dramatic, Sawyer," He argues in a mimicking voice. "And that's easy, I'm just never going to have kids."

And that's when Aspen suddenly lets out a loud, exasperated sigh and hops up from the couch. Without a word or even so much as a glance at Chace or me, she snatches her keys up from the coffee table and practically runs out of the house.

"Did I say something?" Chace asks, looking over at me from the TV with a confused look on his face.

"No," I sigh, shaking my head and standing up. "She's been down for a few days now."

"Well, what's wrong with her?" He wonders, a concerned look etching across his face.

Back in high school, before Aspen started dating Beckett, she and Chace had a thing. An incredibly short-lived thing, but a thing nonetheless. She told me way back then that they were just hooking up, but I always had the sneaking suspicion that there was more to the story. I never really talked to Chace before we became step-siblings, so I can't say for sure, but I think he might have had it bad for her. I was sure he was over it by now, but now I'm thinking maybe not.

"I dunno," I shrug, deciding that I better go and talk to her before she does anything rash. "I'm gonna go and find out."

And with that, I leave Chace and make my way out of the living room, down the foyer, and out of the front door. From the porch, I see Aspen sitting in her car in the driveway with her head against the headrest and clearly crying hysterically. I walk over to the passenger side and pull on the handle, but the door doesn't open, so I tap on the window.

"Leave me alone, Sawyer," Aspen says without even looking over at me.

"Are you mad at me?" I ask her, taken a little bit aback by that response.

Aspen and I have been friends for years and as far back as I can remember, we've never gotten into any sort of fight or argument or anything. Crazy to believe, I know, but it's true. Sure, we've had disagreements, but I don't think she's ever actually been too upset with me or anything or vice versa. So I don't know what I could've done to make her mad at me.

"No, I just don't want to talk right now," Aspen mumbles, wiping her tears away with her sleeve.

"But I'm your best friend," I remind her. "And you're crying," I add. "So you have to talk to me."

Aspen doesn't say anything in response to that and I seriously consider leaving her alone at that point. That's sort of the way our friendship operates. Like I said, we don't really argue or anything and the fact that we know when to leave each other alone for a little bit probably has everything to do with why that is. And then, just as I'm about to tell her that it's alright, and that she can talk to me whenever she's ready to talk to me, she hits a button and the doors unlock.

So I get in and I close the door behind me and I look over at her. I realize then that I didn't think of what to say to her. I guess that would have been a good thing to do, but oh well. So I keep looking at her and waiting for her to say anything, but she doesn't. And that's when my eyes waver down and I notice that she's not wearing her ring — her incredibly beautiful and probably ridiculously expensive engagement ring that my brother bought for her is gone. And that's scary because it's been about a month since Aspen and Beck got back from England and since then, she has always had it on.

And that's when it hits me. That has to be what's wrong with her. She and Beckett must have had a fight or something.

"Aspen, you don't have to marry Beckett, you know," I say in a quiet voice. "Not if you don't want to, you don't," I add.

And then she starts crying even harder and I just don't know what to do. It's very rare that I find myself in this situation. I'm usually the one crying, forcing my friends to comfort me. I wonder if it's as uncomfortable for them as this is for me. I make a mental note right then to cry a lot less so as to avoid subjecting my friends to this level of un-comfortability.

"Okay, I'm sorry," I apologize. "Please don't cry," I beg, getting a little worked up myself. It's sad to see your friends cry.

"I do want to marry Beckett," She insists after a few seconds of quiet sobs and sniffles. "But everything's falling apart."

"What's falling apart?" I ask, genuinely confused. "I know we haven't finished planning the wedding, but we'll get there."

"It isn't about the wedding," She sighs.

"Well, what's it about then?" I wonder.

She's quiet again for a moment, but I decide that it's probably best to not push her. And after a few minutes, she speaks.

"Beckett wants kids," She tells me and I don't really know how to react because I don't know why that's such a big deal.

"But so do you," I say with a confused look on my face. "You've always talked about wanting two kids, a boy and a girl."

"Yeah," Aspen says with a humorless chuckle. "As dorky and weird as it sounds, I even already had names picked out. Matthew, but I'd call him "Matty" for short and Marissa. And I totally hate people that do that, give their kids names that start with the same letter, but I thought it'd be kind of cute," She explains, finally looking over at me. And when she does, it quite literally breaks my heart. Her eyes are all red and puffy and her make-up is running everywhere and she looks so sad. And that makes me sad. She such a good person and after all she's been through these past few years (the death of Elliot and the aftermath and the death of her mom a few years later), she deserves nothing but happiness.

"Well, you can still do it," I assure her. "I mean, maybe not the names in case you end up with two boys or two girls, but otherwise. I don't get it though," I say, not really understanding what's got her so upset. "What about that's so terrible?"

"It's never gonna happen," She blubbers, starting to cry again. "And I know Beckett's upset, but he refuses to admit it."

"I'm sure Beckett isn't upset," I say, shaking my head. "What do you mean it's never gonna happen? Why wouldn't it?"

"I can't," She mumbles under her breath, looking away from me and out of the driver side window.

"You can't what?" I ask then, getting more confused by the minute. "Aspen, tell me what's wrong."

"I can't have kids," She finally says. "I mean, it's not like Beckett and I were trying to have a baby right now or anything, because I still have to finish school and then go to law school and he's just now about to graduate law school in December, but it's something that we'd talked about, you know?" She goes on to explains, still staring out of the window.

"He told me that he wants a big family because growing up, you guys always had a really quiet house since it was just the two of you and Heather and Heather was always working anyway. So, we had a plan. We decided that once we got married and got our careers together, we'd have kids. Three, maybe four. Not five though, that's too many," She sighs.

"But then a few weeks ago, I found out that I can't," Aspen continues and then her voice breaks and I can tell she's trying not to start crying again, but I know my best friend and I know that it's not going to work. And it doesn't. She starts crying just a few seconds after and I immediately reach over to her and put my arms around her, hugging her tight. And she puts her head down on my shoulder and I know her make-up will ruin this shirt, but I couldn't care less about that.

"We had a plan," She wails, her words slightly muffled by my shirt. "It was supposed to work and it was supposed to be perfect. If I marry him and I can't give him the big family he wants, he's gonna resent me," Aspen explains. "And he's gonna pretend he doesn't, because that's just the kind of guy he is, but he's gonna. I-I-I don't know what I did, but I—"

"Aspen, don't do that. Don't blame yourself," I tell her. "Remember what you'd tell me after the Flynn thing happened?"

"I'd tell you that what happened to you wasn't your fault," She mumbles. "But that's because it wasn't. But this...this is my fault, Sawyer. I didn't used to be the greatest person, you know. After Elliot died, I was just... I was really lost. I thought that we would be together forever and I know that that was a really stupid and naïve thing to believe, but I really did believe it. But then he died. He was here one minute and then the next minute he was just... gone. And I was all alone. And I was with a lot of guys. Like, a lot a lot. And I dunno... maybe this is God's way of punishing me for that."

"Listen to me, Aspen," I say, pulling away and looking her in her tearful eyes. "I know that I'm not the most religious person on the planet, but I don't think that's how it works. What you did then has nothing to do with what's happening now. You had sex, big deal, everyone does. I know that whenever bad stuff happens, it's easy to blame yourself for it. It's easy to wonder if you'd done something different, then maybe things would have gone a different way. But you can't do that. For years, I blamed myself for the Flynn thing. And I for years, I agonized over what would have had happened if I had just stayed home that night. And obsessing over that and blaming myself almost drove me crazy, literally," I say.

"But after a few years, I finally understood that it wasn't my fault. And this isn't your fault. Bad things happen to good people all the time and it's so shitty, but it's the truth. One thing I can promise you, though, with every piece of me is that Beckett would never ever resent you. He loves you, Aspen. I mean, like, he really loves you. Seriously, he would take a bullet to the head for you and a knife straight to the heart. So, you totally don't have to worry about that, alright?"

"I do, though," Aspen insists. "Because I know him and I know that this whole thing might be a deal-breaker for him."

"Aspen, he isn't like that and you know it," I tell her, trying to get her to abandon the crazy idea that Beckett would ever leave her or resent her for her fertility issues. He's a lot of things, my brother, but stupid isn't one of them. He knows that he's never going to find someone as good for him as Aspen or who he loves as much as he loves Aspen. "What doctor did you go see? Did you get a second opinion? Because you can get a second opinion, you know. I can talk to my dad, if you'd like. I know it's not really his field, but I'm sure he knows some good fertility specialists. I'm sure we can get you in to see one or two or five or ten and maybe there's something that one of them they could do," I suggest to her.

"I got a second opinion," Aspen nods, using the sleeve of her shirt again to wipe her face clean. "And a third, and a fourth, and a fifth. They all said the same thing, though — that I wouldn't be able to carry a baby full-term. It's some sort of stupid condition with some kind of stupid long name that I can't remember. And they all say there's really nothing that can be done about it," She says with a sigh. "So, I can't have a baby and I can't have a big happy family with Beckett."

"Well," I start to say, thinking of how to phrase what I'm about to say to her. "That's not totally true, you know. You guys could always adopt a kid, or two, or three, or four, and you guys could still have your big happy family. Blood doesn't make a family, Aspen, love does. Look at me and James. He's not related to me by blood, but he's my bad. Sure, Tom was my biological father, but he was never my dad. James is, though. And look at him and my mom, they adopted Savannah and Nicholas. And even though my mom didn't actually birth them, she's their mom and James is their dad and they're my brother and sister. Because we love each other and that's all that really matters when it comes to family."

And she doesn't say anything in response, but I don't really expect her to. Instead, she glances up from her lap and over at me with a sad look and just nods. But I know she gets in. Since she's been in England the past few years, she hasn't been around too much to fully understand what I mean. But it's true, adopted family is just as legitimate as birth family. But I'm not really one to preach and besides, this is about Aspen and Beckett, not about me and James and my siblings.

So I reach down and I grab Aspen's hand in mine and it's all wet from her tears and stained from her make-up, but I grab it anyway and squeeze it real tight. And she leans over towards me again and puts her head on my shoulder and sobs quietly. And it's kind of a really uncomfortable position, but I decide to deal with it and try and comfort my friend.

And I assure her it'll be okay. And it will. It always is. I like to think I'm a pretty qualified person to make that statement.

❁ ❁ ❁ ❁ ❁

A few hours later, I find myself at the neighborhood park. Since I told Chace that he could have the rest of the day off of babysitting duty, I figured I'd bring Nicholas and Savannah here. I don't know about them, but sitting in my parents' house all day every day was kind of starting to drive me insane, slowly but surely. And so here the three of us ended up.

And I even brought Calliope, who is no longer the tiny ball of cuteness kitten that she was when I first got her four years ago. She's a lot bigger and lazier now, but she's still a ball of cuteness. Just a big ball of cuteness. I've got her on a leash and everything and I know I must look silly, but I'm pushing Savannah in her unnecessarily big and fancy stroller and Nicholas is strapped to my front in this ridiculous Babybjörn carrier, so I had no choice but to but Calliope on her leash.

Aspen and I were supposed to spend the whole day together and after we got a few details concerning the wedding worked out, we were supposed to go to the spa and then go shopping. After that whole revelation in the car though, she wasn't really feeling up to it. And understandably so. I told her that we could still spend the day together, just instead of the spa and shopping, we could watch chick flicks. She declined though and said she just wanted to be with Beckett.

So she left to be with him at our old and vacant house that they're currently staying in. I'm still pretty worried about her, but I just didn't want to smother her. That's another thing about her: she loves you until she sees too much of you.

Juggling Savannah and the stroller, Nicholas and the Babybjörn, Calliope and the leash, and a diaper bag, and feeling somewhat like a stay-at-home mom-in-training, I make my way over to a bench just near the sand pit and sit down. Savannah immediately worms her way out of her safety belt and climbs out of the stroller, hobbling over to the little play area that's directly in front of the bench. It's specifically for toddlers, so it's mostly just little harmless playthings that she can figure out. And there aren't any other children there, so I just let her do her own thing. I make sure to keep a very close eye on her though. I watch an excessive amount of Lifetime movies and police procedural dramas, after all.

Then I take Nicholas out of the Babybjörn and he starts slobbering all over me. And as soon as he does, he starts giggling like crazy, probably at my annoyed expression that resulted from having his baby saliva on me. He's lucky he's so cute.

Since he's clearly too young to play on any of the apparatuses that the park has, I just put him in Savannah's stroller. It's too big for someone his age, but I strap him in good and wheel him over to me, giving him a noisy toy from his bag.

Then I take my phone out and glance down at it, sighing when I see that I have no missed calls or unread texts or anything. I was expecting something from Connor, but I guess the time difference might be to blame. Or maybe he really is pissed at me. Which he should be. I mean, I told him that Graham and I kissed, after all. But it's not like I don't have a right to be upset with him too. He's the one who told his ex that he loves her. And I know that it seems hypocritical of me to say that, given my residual feelings for Graham, but the difference is, I didn't admit those feelings to Graham.

Anyway, I haven't heard from Connor since I told him about that. And it's been a week. I'm not all that worried though. I tried calling him for three days straight and he didn't answer. When he's ready to talk to me, I'm sure he'll talk to me.

So for about an hour or so, I just sit there watching Savannah run around the playground and glancing over at Nicholas, who's just a ball of giggles and slobbers and stroking Calliope's head when she rubs against my leg every few minutes.

Of course, though, curiosity gets the best of me and I pull out my phone and go to Connor's social media accounts, just to see if he's actually posting anything. Because if he is, then that means he's on his phone and just doesn't want to talk to me. But if he's not, that probably means he's actually busy with his so-called work. Well, that or he's just being a boy.

They don't seem to post much as a whole, especially on places like Instagram. Take Graham, he posted like one picture of us on his page and it was from Winter Formal, so super old. Then take me, who's page is full of cute couple pictures.

But I digress.

And I don't find anything on any of Connor's accounts that mention is European travels, so maybe I'm just being dumb.

I don't really have time to overthink about the whole situation, though, because that's when I hear Savannah's shrieking.

"Si-Si!" She exclaims and I immediately look up and over at her, hoping to God I misheard her. She can't say much (including my name), but she usually calls me "Sissy." And I'm hoping that that's what she said and I just didn't hear her right. Because there's only one person I've ever heard her call "Si-Si" and it's someone that I really don't wanna see.

And I realize about a half a second later, as that person takes off running over towards the playground and scoops Savannah up in her arms, squeezing her tight, that it's exactly I had absolutely no desire to ever see again in this lifetime.

Sienna.

I let out a sigh and physically bite down on my tongue to stop myself from yelling at her, telling her to put my sister down and leave us alone. It's not that I'm still mad at her — but I am, to be honest — I just don't want to see her. It's been about a month since our fight and I didn't expect to see her. Especially since she lives in Boston and I'm in Andover.

"I haven't seen you in so long!" Sienna exclaims at Savannah, putting her back down on her feet. "You're getting so big!"

But before I can think of what to say, I feel someone tapping me on my left shoulder. So I turn around, but there's no one there, then I hear a familiar giggle and turn with a small grin and see Jackson standing behind me on my right side.

"Gotcha," He says with a toothy grin before walking around to the front of the bench and giving me a quick, small hug.

"You did," I chuckle, patting a spot beside me on the bench for him to sit down on. "I've missed you a lot, you know."

"Why don't you come to see me then, silly?" He wonders, giving me a curious look. And I have to stop myself from laughing at that because it's such an obvious response. I mean, sure, I could go see him, but it'd be awkward. Really awkward. And I'm not good with awkward. "You can still love me even though you don't love Graham," Jackson states.

Then I start feeling bad all over again. That's exactly why I haven't been to visit any of Graham's family since we broke up, even though I was so close to them. Jackson's only ten, so I know he doesn't understand, but it'd be so hard for me.

"Who told you that I don't love Graham anymore?" I ask him curiously, glancing over my shoulder at Sienna, who has started pushing Savannah on a swing. I don't know if she's pretending not to see me, but I would not be mad if she was.

"Sienna," Jackson says, kicking up some dirt with his feet and twiddling his thumbs. "But you still love me, don't you?"

Of course it was Sienna. I don't even know why I asked him that. I mean, who else would drag a ten-year-old into this?

"Of course," I assure Jackson, wrapping my arm around him and kissing the top of his head. "We're buds, you and me."

"Best buds?" He asks, looking up at me through the thick frames of his bifocals. About a year ago, Jackson decided he wanted to start wearing glasses, so he's had them since. And they make him even more adorable, if that's even possible.

"Best buds," I confirm with a nod, glancing over my shoulder again, this time at Nicholas in the stroller, now fast asleep. "What are you guys doing here?" I ask Jackson curiously. I guess it makes more sense now why Sienna is here, if she's babysitting Jackson, since he still lives here in Andover with Georgina and her boyfriend. Why she would want Sienna the Salty Snake babysitting her adorable child, though, I dunno. Maybe she's unaware of Sienna's snake-y shenanigans.

"Sienna's babysitting me," Jackson tells me. "But I don't like babysitting me because she doesn't let me play in the treehouse that Reed built me and you always let me play in it when you used to babysit me," He huffs, crossing his arms.

It's true, I was a pretty good babysitter, if I do say so myself. I can't say I'm surprised Sienna wouldn't let Jackson play in his treehouse, though. In her defense, she's just doing what she's best at: sucking the fun out of stuff; just like a snake.

"So then I got mad at her and locked her out of my room," Jackson continues. "But then Paisley told her to bring me to the park and let me play, so I told her to bring me here because it's my favorite. It's the only one with a new soccer field."

When he mentions Paisley, I immediately get a sick feeling in my stomach. And I feel bad about that because I know I shouldn't have any sort of bad feelings towards Paisley. As much as I wanted to hate her, I can't. The girl's just too nice.

I start looking around then and after about a nanosecond, I spot Paisley sitting a couple of yards away at a picnic table. I can't see her stomach too well, but it's been nearly a month since I saw her last so I'm sure it's grown bigger. And when she sees me looking at her, she offers a smile and lifts her hand up, sending a wave. Timidly, I return the small gesture.

"What happened to baseball?" I ask Jackson, forcing myself to keep up the conversation because if I'm talking to him I won't think of Paisley. And if I don't think about Paisley, I won't think of the little baby growing inside of her right now. And if I don't think about the little baby growing inside of her right now, I wouldn't think of Graham. And if I don't think about Graham, I won't get too sad. Maybe. "I thought you said you wanted to be the next Mickey Mantle?" I ask.

"No!" He exclaims, dramatically shaking his head. "Not the next Mickey Mantle, the next Joe DiMaggio. He was better."

"Ooh, well excuse me," I laugh. "Well I thought you wanted to be the next Joe DiMaggio, then?" I say, emphasizing it.

"I do," He nods. "But I like soccer too. Reed coaches it and he says I'm as good as Messi," Jackson boasts with a smile.

"I bet you are," I reply and then I hear someone (Sienna, most likely) clear their throat and then sniffled a couple times.

"Mind if I sit here?" Sienna awkwardly asks, gesturing to a spot beside me on the bench and staring down at the ground.

I seriously consider telling her that yeah, I actually do mind, but I don't. I'm trying to be nicer. It's not going super well.

"It's a free country," I remind her and then she sits down and clears her throat again and it's really awkward and weird.

"So how are things going?" Sienna asks me then, like we're actually still friends just shooting the breeze.

"Terrible," I admit, shrugging my shoulders. "Thanks for asking," I add then realize how catty it sounds.

"I'm gonna go play with those guys," Jackson announces, getting up and then taking off towards the soccer field.

"Well, you know what I think would make things go slightly less terrible?" She asks.

"No, Sienna, I don't. What do you think would make things go slightly less terrible?"

"Us being friends again," Sienna chirps. "Then things could go back to normal."

"Yeah, no, things definitely wouldn't go back to normal," I tell her with a scoff.

"Because of Paisley?" She guesses. "Because she's super cool, I'm telling you."

"Not because of Paisley," I assure her. It's because she's too close to Graham, honestly. I mean, up until a few months ago, her close friendship with Graham never really impacted my relationship with him. But when she realized I happened to be good friends with a guy (Connor), it suddenly became an issue. And in the months she dedicated to filling his head with suspicions all the way back in Kansas, I realized she'd always be more loyal to Graham than to me.

And there's nothing wrong with that. It's totally okay to back a friend and try to protect them from getting hurt, but I was the last person she needed to protect Graham from. Not to mention the fact that she planted herself right in the middle of our relationship and made our business her business. And maybe it didn't annoy Graham, but it annoyed me.

So while I'm not totally opposed to being friends with Sienna again, I don't think it's something that can happen right now. Maybe once the baby is born and Paisley and Graham do whatever it is they're going to do and I get over Graham.

But I can't bring myself to tell her that because I know how harsh it'll come out sounding. So I just sit there and listen to her talk about how she misses us (Pipes, Aspen, and me). And I realize then that the three of us really were her only friends, not counting Graham. So now the only people she's really got are him, Paisley, and her boyfriend. Which is kind of sad because Paisley's the only girl but I can't imagine she's much fun six months pregnant. Oh well. That kinda sucks.

Still though, I'm not totally ready to forgive her. And in the end, I tell her that. But I assure her that one day soon enough things with us will be okay and that we'll maybe get back to our good ole Soybean and Sriracha days. But just not today.

❁ ❁ ❁ ❁ ❁

Later that night, I find myself back in Boston, standing outside the door to my apartment. I didn't want to come back here, but I was starting to feel like I was overstaying my welcome at my parent's house. I mean, they already have to deal with Chace being there all the time, so I'm sure they were more than ready for me to come back to my own place.

I'm having a hard time going in, though. Like I said, the whole reason I went back to Andover was to get away from all of the Graham in my apartment. And it's not just the physical stuff in my apartment that he left behind that haunt me. It's little stuff, like his stupid cinnamon scent that clings to some of my clothes, no matter how many times I wash them.

I have half a mind to just leave. Just go back down to my car and drive back to Andover. Sure, I was there about half an hour ago dropping the kids and the cat off, but maybe I can just tell my parents I miss them too much to leave already. They're big softies, both of them; I'm sure they'd happily let me stay the night over again if I played that card on them.

But I sigh and shake my head. James has told me time and time again that running from my problems won't solve them.

So I go inside my apartment, lock the door behind me and flick on the kitchen light. Piper and I bought a tiny white board and set it up on a wall in the kitchen to leave each other messages and on it, there's something in her handwriting.

I walk over closer to it and read it:

Hi S,

Don't know when you're coming home, but I hope it's soon because I miss you!!

If you get back before Sunday, I'm gone to the lake with Jason. I brought the dogs — they miss you too.

Come home soon please, it's no fun without you here.

Pipes

I pull out my phone to text Piper and apologize for my extended absence and tell her that I miss her (and the dogs) too, but then I hear a sound from the direction of my room. And I immediately get all tense and flashback to a few years ago when I was home alone and heard something weird and it ended up being Flynn breaking into my house. Obviously that's not the case here, but when you have of PTSD you can't help but think the worst when you're in a similar situation.

I put my bag down on the counter then and creep over to the little wooden holder thing that Piper and I keep all of our sharp steak knives at. I'm sure it's nothing, but if the Flynn thing taught me anything at all, it was not to assume stuff.

So I take one of the knives out and stealthily make my way through the living room, down the hallway, and to my room. When I get there, the door is cracked, which is weird since I always close it, especially whenever I leave the apartment.

I take a deep breath then, push the door open, walk in, flick on the light, and prepare to attack the person at my desk. Well, that is, until my brain registers the fact that it's not an intruder. Someone I wasn't expecting to see, but no threat.

"Connor," I sigh, lowering the knife and putting my hand over my racing heart. "What are you doing here?" I ask him.

"Were you gonna stab me?" He laughs, glancing down at the knife in my clenched fist.

"Yeah, I was, actually," I admit, setting the knife down on my desk. Thank God it was just Connor and not some random robber because I nearly died the first time I had to stab a guy; I probably wouldn't have made it through a second time.

"I'm sorry I scared you," Connor chuckles, standing up and walking over to me, wrapping his arms around me. So I guess he's not upset with me like I thought he was. Maybe he forgot about the Graham thing. Unlikely, but a possibility. I expect him to pull away after a second, but he doesn't. He just keeps hugging me for a really long time and then he kisses the top of my head and lets out an exasperated sigh. "I think we need to have a talk, though," He eventually says.

"Yeah," I whisper about thirty seconds after he says it. I don't really want to have a talk, but we both know we need to.

"Okay," Connor replies, pulling away and walking over and sitting down at the foot of my bed, urging me to do the same.

So I do. I feel like I'm about to start crying because I have a pretty good idea of what's about to happen and even though I know that it's definitely, probably, maybe for the best, that doesn't mean I want it to happen. It's just sad and awkward.

Connor and I sit there in silence for a while and a wave of anxiety washes over me for no apparent reason. I've never been good with these types of things. That's probably why when Graham and I broke up, it was essentially over a note.

"So," Connor finally says after a good five minutes of silence. "I think that we might have to..."

"Break up," I mumble, finishing his sentence when he can't seem to find the right words to do so.

"Yeah," He nods, sighing again, looking down at the carpeted floor. "I think that it might be what's best for both of us."

"Because I told you about Graham and me kissing?" I ask, blinking back tears. I'm not even sad, I'm just uncomfortable.

"No, not because of that," Connor denies, shaking his head and looking over at me with a sad look on his face. "Well, not necessarily. It's just that before I was your boyfriend, I was your friend for a really long time, you know. And while you and Graham were still together, I listened to you talk about him and how much you loved him, day in and day out.

"And I watched your eyes light up every time you mentioned him. You talked about that guy like he moved mountains or something. And I think that after you guys broke up and we got together, I knew. I knew that you still had feelings for him, even if you didn't quite realize it. And I know it was wrong for me to try to erase those feelings, but I did try to.

"But it didn't work. And I know you wanted it to and I definitely, but it didn't. But I think when he came back to town, it became really obvious that you still have a lot of love for him. And I can't get mad or upset at you for that. First loves are hard, I know that. And I guess I see that you two and whatever you have is bigger than anything we could ever have.

"And that's okay. But I don't want to be the one thing tying you down. And if you're meant to be with him, I don't want to be the reason you two miss each other. You're a special girl, Sawyer Jameson, and you deserve the whole galaxy and someone who can give that to you. And maybe that's Graham, maybe it's not. But you deserve the chance to find it out."

"I really do like you a lot, you know," I tell him, wiping away a few tears. The last thing I want is for Connor to think even for a second that the feelings I have for him aren't genuine, because they are. He truly is a pretty amazing person.

"I know," He nods with a small chuckle. "And I really do like you a lot. And who knows, you know, maybe if you realize Graham isn't the one and you and I meet again at some point in our lives, we can try again and maybe it'll be different."

I nod then and Connor wraps his arm around my shoulder and after a few minutes, the tears stop and we just sit there. And it's really strange since we're officially all broken up and stuff, but that was probably a long time coming. And like he said, we were friends long before we started dating and we were good friends, so I'd hope we can still be good friends.

After a while, Connor says something about having to go. So he packs up some of the hoodies and things like that that he's left over here the past couple of months. And we agree to still be friends. Not the best of friends, probably, but still friends. He tells me he brought me a gift from Italy and that it's in my drawer, but that I can't open it until he's gone. And then with a friendly hug and a warm smile, he's gone.

And I'm all alone.

Again.

Author's Note:

Yikes!! Long time no see, I know, I know, I know.

I wish I had good enough excuses, but writer's block and college is about all I've got to offer. 

But for those of you who've been (patiently) waiting around, I hope that you liked the chapter.

And if you did, thoughts? How do you feel about the news about Aspen? Sad, right? Do you think it'll drive a wedge between her and Beckett? What about Sienna and Sawyer -- do you think that at some point they'll be able to mend fences? Also, you got to see a little bit of Jackson. He's a bit older now, but still pretty cute, no? Lastly, thoughts on Connor and Sawyer deciding to end their relationship? Do you think that'll make things easier for Sawyer and Graham now? Or no?

Picture: Just a cute little quote thing that I think represents Sawyer pretty well right now

Song: Save Myself by Ed Sheeran

Speaking of songs, my pal Alec Benjamin wrote a song for Saving Sawyer! It's based on Graham and Sawyer's love story and it's pretty beautiful. I've put the link in the external link, but if you can't find that, just go to YouTube and type up "Alec Benjamin + Saving Sawyer" or something to that effect and you'll find it.

Dedication: It's been a while, but I still kept up with the comments from last chapter. So I'm gonna dedicate this chapter to YsselAishaYu. Other comments I especially loved were from believerlives, kat_loves_1d, zibou7, and sonisa21100