ONE.
gone and past !

❝ We were children / thrust into war / and once it ends / what will we become? ❞

⎯ unknown, via pinterest

THE HARDEST QUESTION to answer about death is what it feels like.

When you die, what does the person feel? Do the deceased simply lose all feeling, becoming nothing, brains shut down and limbs no longer working. When you die, does your soul move to another place, flying up to the heavens, into a different reality, into another body? Or is it simply that when you die, you feel everything at once. Your whole life come to hit you once more before oblivion takes control. All the pain, all the anger, all the love and happiness, it all flashes before your eyes as the white light comes to take you away.

For Reine Castell, death felt like a sickness. It started in the pit of her stomach, working its way up through her body. Like butterflies with poison on the tips of their wings were fluttering above her organs, spiking her stomach and veins. It was nausea that made her realize something was wrong. It was a lightheadedness that told her it was something serious. It was dust which made her find death had come to take her away.

A sickness. A plague.

It had forced her to watch her mother, eyes closed and head tilted back, not watch as her daughter slipped away.

And now the sickness is haunting her again. The dust has come to haunt her dreams, turning them to nightmares.

The fields in Wakanda was the most beautiful thing Reine had ever seen in the world. The grass swayed in the afternoon breeze, golden light making everything it touched into a thing of unparalleled beauty. The sun was high, the blue sky glistening in unmatched glory.

A little girl ran through the grass, dress pulling at her knees as her bare-footed feet jumped over logs and stray mice. A woman was calling her name, but the girl wasn't listening. Her chestnut hair stuck to her lean neck, sweat lining her forehead. Her eyes, alight with fire, focused on the mission ahead of her.

"Reine!" the woman called again, her voice like flower petals falling on pristine waters. A man laughed from behind her, deep and rich. The girl did not stop. She ran and ran, a smile on her face, a giggle falling from her lips.

"Reine!" the man called. "Come on, you've won! Come back!"

The girl dropped, falling to her knees and sinking into the drying mud. Her dress was already filthy from hours of playing out in the fields. The girl stuck her chin into the ground, her tired limbs stretching out as she tried to blend into the grass. She pulled her elbows out and splayed them out in front of her, biting down on her lip to keep from laughing.

She could not let them know where she was.

"Reine!" the woman yelled again. "Mija, Uncle T'Challa and Shuri will be here soon, you need to change!" Reine bit down on her lip harder, the squeal ready to erupt from her mouth pushed down in favour of determination. She was, in fact, incredibly excited for their dinner up at the palace with uncle T'Challa, but this game was more important than all of that, no matter how slim the difference was.

The thirteen-year-old girl covered her mouth with her hands, breathing heavily. Her hair fell into her eyes, and the girl swiftly pushed it away. There was a small part of her which knew it was silly to play this game at her age. She was a teenager now, after all, and had deemed herself practically an adult when her birthday was celebrated, Bucky still in cryo-freeze.

Nonetheless, she lay in the mud and grime, not a single care in the world, waiting to be left or found, neither one particularly the preferred outcome. She waited and giggled and smothered her cries with her hands, the wun beating down on her. A girl happier than anyone else in the world, finally living with everyone she cared about.

So lost in the reverie of having not a single care in the world, the girl did not notice the figure slinking towards her. Careful on their feet, feet near silent, the predator watched from the grass, kneeling down and holding their hands out near the girl's shoulders.

She had not the faintest idea, not even her strangely sharp hearing or keen awareness could save her.

The man pounced. "Got you!" he called out, and the girl squealed as she was scooped up and held close by the man with the metal arm. A woman exclaimed from behind them as he nuzzled his face into the girl's shoulder, and she snorted in laughter.

"How did you find me?!" Reine exclaimed. Bucky whirled her around, and in the distance, a woman was walking toward them, a sunhat in one hand, her dark bangs flying in the breeze. Her smile was brighter then anything else in the universe. She was wearing a pink dress made by Princess Shuri, and the fabric bunched up around her closed fist as she waded out through the grass towards her family.

Reine wrapped her arms around Bucky's neck and kissed his cheek, and the man smiled. He swung her around in a wide circle, a playful waltz, because he knew how much the girl loved to dance. The woman came ever closer, and they watched her with wide-eyed expressions. They always loved to watch her, this woman both loved so dear, the woman who'd kept this family together. Through danger and heartbreak, war and loneliness.

"Mama!" Reine exclaimed. "Bucky found me!" her mother nodded and laughed, infectious amounts of love glistening in her eyes. Bucky laughed as well, giggling like a little girl as Reine kicked and squirmed in his arms.

"Of course I found you!" he said. "I'll always find you, no matter how far away we are from each other." Reine made a face at his sappy comment.

"And Mama will be with us." she stated matter-of-factly. Marina grew closer, and Bucky looked to his wife with a wide grin on his face.

"She'll always be with us." he told his daughter. "Always."

The silent screams are always the thing that wakes Reine up.

She'll be in the past, swimming through the love once shared, through the life once lived, when the whimpers from the living room puncture the fantasies, bringing her back. It makes her blood boil, anger welling up in her throat and lungs.

The fifteen-year-old sits up in her twin bed, single cotton blanket flung down near the bottom of the bed, barely covering her legs. Her oversized t-shirt sticks to her back, and her shorts make the back of her legs itch. The t-shirt smells of sweat and the ripe old tang of long spoiled perfume. It used to be a comforting scent, a smell reminding her of home, when things were better, but now it only makes her want to fling something at the wall. Her brunette hair is flattened from the writhing in her sleep, sticking out in unnatural places. She doesn't brush them away as she swings her legs over the side of the bed and places both feet flat on the chilly floor.

Then the flashes start. The cold seems to ignite the memories, the feelings. Drowning, dunked in a bucket of ice water, Reine turns to dust once more. She looks up at her beautiful mother, closed eyes and tight lips, holding tightly to her daughter's hand. The sickness weaves a tapestry of unease through her stomach, and the world tilts up. She's floating, turning to nothing at all. All memories stop there, a brick wall forced up because Reine passed over the threshold of death. One minute alive, the next nothing more than filth lining the floor.

She takes a deep, shuddering breath, curling her hands into fists, nails digging painfully into her soft flesh. The scabs already there from months of this open up again, but now Reine doesn't even notice. She's thinking about her.

Her, with her comforting touch and soothing words. Her, a woman gone before they came back. Her, dead in a grave neither knew where. Her mother, her sweet and charming mother, gone. The sickness comes again, but Reine holds back the bile rising in her throat. Blood spurts in the open wounds from her strength, and flashes of the day they come back to stab at her insides.

Reine reappeared right where she had been left, now lying on the floor of an empty bunker whose doors had been shut long ago. She called for her mama, banging on the steel covered entrance until her voice was gone and her knuckles sore. She'd crawled to the center of the bunker, vomiting up whatever was left of death clinging to her now revived system.

She'd waited for hours, or maybe it was days, her memory was still fuzzy on how long she was in there. She tried to sleep, tried to reassure herself someone would come find her. Soon, however, hope was wearing thin.

But then there was a noise at the door, a loud scraping sound, and a man's voice on the other side. She'd run to it, and soon the door was ripped right off it's hinges, sent flying into the grass. Reine fell to her knees, one hand covering her eyes in the beating glare of the sun. And silhouetted against the light was a man with a metal arm and a face wet from tears.

But it was only him. There was no one else. She was nowhere to be found.

The whimpers start again, and Reine sucks in a breath, knowing without walking into the living room who it is. She gets up anyway and makes her way out the door. Their apartment is small, with barely any furnishings, just enough to live in semi comfort.

Bucky hasn't been able to sleep on a bed since they got back. He offered the one room to Reine, allowing her to make it her own, while he took the floor in the living room. This is where she finds him now.

He's shirtless, dog tags hung around his neck, and he's twisting on the floor. Reine walks swiftly over and kneels beside him. His face is strained, incoherent sounds spluttering from his mouth, sweat glistens on his forehead, and Reine knows without a second thought he's dreaming about his time at the Winter Soldier.

Since coming back and finding he mother gone, Reine has classified Bucky's dreams into two categories. The first is nightmares of when he was a soldier. Sometimes, after she wakes him up, Bucky tells her it was when he hurt them in Germany. Sometimes it's when he kills Iron Man's parents. And sometimes it's simply the other kills he needs to make amends for in his little book.

The second group of nightmares are about Marina. These ones are softer, not as noticeable. Bucky barely makes a sound when he dreams of her. The only sign he's even having a nightmare is when he wakes up yelling her name. They've gotten several complaints from their neighbors that the father and step-daughter are too loud at night, but with one fiery retort from Reine's mouth they keep quiet.

He's not dreaming about the woman they can't find. He's dreaming about murder.

"Bucky." Reine whispers softly, but it's hard to keep the venom out of her tone. She does everything with venom these days. It seems finding out her mother is dead made her into something dangerous. Reine's anger has blossomed into a full on raging storm. She snaps at even the slightest insult. She screams and kicks at Bucky when he's the one to wake her up from her own nightmares. She refuses to speak with anyone except the therapist both are required to see by law. Oh, and Yori. She'll make an exception for the adorable old man living across from them, but even when they have lunch together, the air around both her and Bucky is thin.

Both haven't smiled properly in six months.

"Bucky." she says again, and this time she touches him. Putting a shaking hand on his bare shoulder. Reine tries to keep herself from punching his arm to wake him up.

(she wants to hurt everyone these days)

Bucky bolts upright with a grunt, his hand flying out to grab Reine's wrist, squeezing tight. Eyes hurried and not quite awake, sweat pouring from his forehead down his bare skin. Reine grunts as his iron grip slowly releases when he turns to her. His eyes widen when he sees her, registering he's holding onto his daughter too tight. He let's go and runs a hand through his hair, wiping the sweat off his head. Reine sighs and sits back, her quivering hands hiding in the folds of her too-large t-shirt.

"I'm sorry, Reine." Bucky's voice is as thin as half-frozen ice.

"Another nightmare." Reine replies, not asking, simply stating. He nods his head and turns to her fully, the blanket he barely ever uses falling to the wayside. "What was it this time?" she doesn't need to ask, she already knows, but hearing about his problems helps her forget her own.

"A man I killed." Bucky replies softly. "A long time ago." his eyes glaze over, and Reine puffs out a breath. "I didn't mean to wake you up." Reine shrugged, but she wasn't going to tell him it was fine, because it wasn't.

A beat of silence, and Bucky went onto his knees, coming to eyes-height with the girl. He held out a hand for her, a sign of peace and comfort. How many times had Reine held that hand? How many times had she called for comfort by interlacing her small fingers with his own? She'd danced holding these hands. She'd cried and laughed while holding these hands, yet now, she couldn't bring herself to move.

Instead, Reine said bitterly. "I was dreaming about her." Bucky stiffens, head hanging down in front of her. Reine kneels, almost emotionless as she speaks.

"Reine—"

"She's not dead." This makes Bucky flinch. Okoye had been the one to tell them. With soft lips and downcast eyes, she revealed the news after the battle of thanks ended, when Reine had been found. She said Marina had gone off the radar three years into the blip, no trace of the grieving woman anywhere to be found. The first month after they returned, Reine and Bucky demanded the Wakandans to help them and look. They were sure the woman they loved was simply missing.

But the Wakandans had a reputation of being able to find anyone, and they couldn't find Marina.

"I was dreaming about that day in the fields," Reine continues. "When we played hide-and-seek."

"I remember." Bucky says so quietly it would get lost on the faintest breeze. He remembered it all. Reine shudders, her composure slowly cracking, strength waning as they continue to speak of her. Bucky notices the cracks in her flesh sprouting on her palms, and the way her eyes close shut.

"We were so happy." Reine sputters, barely able to choke out the words. "She's not dead!" And then the girl falls into Bucky, her head landing on his chest so hard he struggles to keep from falling over. He instinctively wraps his arms around her, his large t-shirt clinging to her muscles frame.

"Reine," Bucky murmurs into his step-daughter's hair. "They've looked everywhere for her." She shakes her head against him. "She's..." now tears spring to his own eyes. "She's gone."

Reine freezes. Bucky sighs. She pulls back, staring into his eyes with enough ferocity to make him wince.

"No." She says

"Reine please—"

"NO!" She yells, and hits him on the arm. Bucky grunts, trying to keep her steady, but Reine is spiralling. So caught up in her anger and hate, her denial to Marina's fate, she doesn't care who she hurts, who she kills. The world took her mother away, and now the world is going to pay.

Reine continues to sob no's into Bucky's chest, and he tries to keep her steady, but reine is almost as strong as him, and add in her fury, he knows he won't be able to keep her at bay.

So he does the only thing can, he lets go.

Reine stumbles back, landing on the ground, chest heaving, hair falling over her eyes. They blaze like a lantern in the dead of night, seemingly glowing in the shadow of their apartment.

Reine takes a deep breath and growls. "She's. Not. Dead." Then she gets up and bolts towards the door. Bucky isn't fast enough, and the wooden slab swings shut with a loud snap, nearly knocked off its hinges, barely missing cutting Bucky's nose.

"Reine!" He says, putting a palm on the door. On the other side, the girl sobs and falls to the floor, back pressed up against the door. She knows Bucky is doing the same on the other side, trying to comfort her.

She knows they're all each other has. She knows she should be in Bucky's arms right now, crying, or locking herself away. She knows she shouldn't want to kill something, to hurt everyone just because someone is missing, but she does.

"Reine please." Bucky says. On the other side, the girl shakes her head. "Please."

"No." She replies. "No, Bucky."

"Reine..." his voice trails off at the end, and his legs give way beneath him. Tears pool in his eyes, memories of his wife swimming through his broken mind. "I miss her too." Now he's not speaking to her anymore, he's consoling himself, trying to stay strong, just like Reine, but it's hard. It's so hard.

Because his love is gone. His wife is lost, passing into another world, unable to come back to him. The woman that kept him sane. The woman who made him realize he could still be human. The woman he loved more than anything.

She's gone, leaving him to pick up the pieces of a broken establishment, leaving him to try and reconcile alone, to grieve for her while still having someone to take care of. But that someone is trying so very hard to push him away.

"Reine..." Bucky says again, sliding to the bottom of the door, on his knees, begging whatever higher power there is to have mercy on his weak and tired soul. "You're not alone... I miss her too."

Reine's face twists, agony lining the burning sides of her fragile heart. The stars cry out in pain, the universe keeling at the two people's pain. But they do not lessen the burden. The galaxy knows they are not done torturing these poor souls, one made of anger and hate, the other of bloodshed and war.

They are not done.

And so both father and daughter fall asleep on either side of the door, their backs to each other, tears drying on their cheeks. 

a/n: I have only one thing to say... yikes. that was so emotional, wasn't it? Yeah, my bad guys, but the first few chapters of this book are gonna be alllll pain, so buckle up. This chapter was a bit short, but that's how the ones for this book are gonna be, short and sweet (well, not really). The first chapter was really just to set up where Reine and Bucky are now at the start of the series, as well as how each is dealing with their grief. 

I'm aware that every person deals with grief differently. Reine is angry at the world and doesn't know how to control her raging emotions, and when looking at Bucky's character, it seemed that he would deal with his grief by accepting she's dead, yet silently suffer hard. 

ANYWAYS, what did you think of this chapter? What are your thoughts, theories, and opinions? We're officially in the series now, which is very exciting, and I would love to know what you think might happen later on? As always, don't be afraid to comment, vote, and perhaps give me a follow...