TWO.
seven stages!

❝ how can I say this without breaking / how can I say this without taking over / how can I put it down into words / when it's almost too much for my soul alone ❞

⎯ fleurie, hurts like hell

"SO, MR. BARNES, Ms. Castell, are you still having nightmares?"

Bucky holds onto Reine's hand firmly, his grip like iron, knowing that if he lets her go, the girl might attack. Reine sits stick-straight, her eyebrows furrowed towards their sanctioned therapist, Dr. Raynor, sitting across from them. The two are side by side on an uncomfortable couch in the small therapists office. To their left is a curtained window, and light streams in to illuminate both their faces.

The events of last night are heavy on both their hearts, and it wasn't until Bucky threatened to knock down the door to see if Reine was alright that the girl reluctantly came out of her room. Her cheeks had tear-stains on them, and dried blood caked the palms of her hands. Bucky tried to console her as they went to the therapy session, his step-daughter infuriatingly silent, a seething storm about to break loose.

"I know you don't want to, Reine." he'd said to her. "I don't either, but if we don't go, the government's gonna come, and they're going to force us." Reine had sighed and bitterly agreed. Ever since the events of Germany years ago, Reine had expressed loudly her mistrust and overall hatred of the government and how they'd treated the Avengers, as well as ordinary people.

Dr. Raynor's voice is soft as she speaks up again. "James, Reine, I asked you a question." Reine's fingers tighten around Bucky's. "Are you still having nightmares?"

The distant father and daughter both look up, feeling as if the walls are closing in around them, and say together. "No." It's Reine's voice which gives it away. Usually a a girl with a fiery temper and a rage-filled voice, her tone is as shattered as a broken mirror. Dr. Raynor sighs, looking between the two sympathetically.

Despite knowing she's just trying to do what's best for them, Reine still bristles at their therapist's words. She talks like she knows what's going on inside their heads, like she knows exactly who they are and what they're feeling. The thing is, she doesn't.

"We've been doing this long enough that I can tell when you both are lying." Reine takes a deep breath and Bucky looks down to his lap. "Well, you seem a little off today." Reine scoffs.

"Yeah, a little off." she mutters under her breath, but Dr. Raynor makes out every word. She purses her lips.

"Did something happen recently?" a lot, Reine thinks, but keeps her mouth shut now. The memory of last night drifts through their head. Another day, another 24 hours of repressing their emotions, of not speaking about the one glaring problem keeping them apart. Her. The door Reine slammed in Bucky's face comes to mind, and he shifts slightly in his seat. She let's go of his hand, and he almost says something, but all Reine does is put them obediently in her lap.

Dr. Raynor raises an eyebrow as both her patients say "No." again. 

"You're both civilians now." Dr. Raynor tells them. "With your history, Mr. Barnes, the government needs to know that you're not gonna..." she raises both hands, curled into fists, and imitates the action of punching someone. Reine rolls her eyes, her own hands doing the same action. She remembers when all she had to think about was kicking T'Challa's butt at combat back in Wakanda. She hasn't seen him or the rest of the Wakandans in months, not since they told her her mother was dead and Bucky decided to move them to New York.

Bile rises in the back of her throat while Bucky nods uncomfortably at Dr. Raynor's comment.

"It's a condition of your pardon," she pauses, then adds. "And one of the reasons you're allowed to keep Reine in your custody."

Reine frowns and says. "Why shouldn't I be in his custody? Mama and him are married..." Bucky flinches, and Dr. Raynor notices every minute detail that passes across both their faces. Reine's eyes burn like fire, while Bucky's are softer, conflicted and in pain.

They are both in so much pain.

"Yes, Ms. Castell, you're right." Dr. Raynor says. "But with the recent news of Mrs. Castell's..." she knows she must choose her next words carefully, or else the older woman has no doubt this child will attack. "Disappearance, and Mr. Barne's history, there was an option to send you to a temporary guardian." Bucky sends Dr. Raynor a grateful look for not speaking of his wife's death, but Reine isn't satisfied yet.

"Like who?" she challenges.

Bucky cuts in. "Reine..." but his voice trails off.

Dr. Raynor sighs and looks down to Ms. Castell. "We were aware that you had close ties with Sam Wilson, or even King T'Challa and his sister back in Wakanda. Those were two options." Reine's mouth closes with a sharp snap, argument ready to burst on her tongue drowned out by a sudden wave of agony. Those names, they seem so far away, so far gone that they are nothing but a shadow of people, not real at all. People from a time where Reine's family was together, not torn apart or missing.

"So," Dr. Raynor tries to pull them both back before they drop into a pit she won't be able to reach them in. "tell me about your most recent nightmare."

"We didn't have any nightmares." Bucky says softly. Dr. Raynor nods her head with tightly closed lips, then does the dreaded action that both Reine and Bucky despise equally.

She pulls out the notebook and pen.

Both Bucky and Reine groan, and Reine calls out. "Noooo." at the same time Bucky says. "You're gonna do the notebook thing?" Dr. Raynor merely brings pen down to paper, and suddenly Bucky's straining to keep Reine from going over there and ripping the thing out of her hands.

"Why?" Bucky continues. "It's passive aggressive." Reine nods in agreement, a lump welling up at the back of her throat.

"You don't talk." Dr. Raynor says, a hint of regret in her voice. "I write."

Bucky sighs. "Okay." he takes a deep breath. "Okay. I crossed a name off the list of my amends yesterday." Dr. Raynor's pen moves off the parchment, letting Reine breathe easy again. "Don't worry, I used all your three rules."

Reine's mind is sent back to the day leading up to their fight in the evening. Her sitting next to Bucky in the parking garage, legs crossed and red hoodie loose around her sagged shoulders. She was more chipper than usual, mind clearer. It always was when Bucky allowed her to go with him on these missions. It helped her forget that her mother was gone, helped ease the anger she always seemed to feel nowadays.

Bucky continues on. "Senator Atwood." Bucky climbs down the ledge they hide behind, telling Reine to stay where she is. "She was a HYDRA pawn for years. Helped her get into office when I was the Winter Soldier." his voice almost breaks at the last two words. "And after HYDRA disbanded she continued to abuse the power I gave her." Bucky returns from planting the chip under the car's wheel. They listen through the speaker as Senator Atwood plans to murder another man causing her problems. Then comes Reine's favourite part, the stuff they're not allowed to do.

"So," Dr. Raynor cuts in. "rule number one, you can't do anything illegal." 

Bucky pauses only briefly before pressing the buttons on the data pad to lock the doors and start the engine. Reine almost smiles. It feels like before.

"All I did was give some intel to the aide to convict her." Bucky lies. "And I wasn't involved in anything else." Reine wrings her hands together, trying to hide the smirk creeping onto her lips. It's a stark contrast to the tears welling up in her eyes.

"Rule number two?" Reine sniffs in. Rule number two is her least favourite, the one she wishes would be sent to the fiery pits at the bottom of the earth. It's the one her and Bucky can't seem to ever follow.

Bucky feigns confusion. "What was rule number two?" he asks out loud, turning to Reine. She doesn't smile, but her stiff shoulders relax slightly. Dr. Raynor sucks in a breath, clearly not impressed with the duo's lack of respect of the rules. They are meant the help the two, but it seems to have done the exact opposite.

"Nobody gets hurt. It's a big one." the fed-up therapist says.

"Then why isn't it rule number one?" Dr. Raynor doesn't respond to Bucky's question, watching him with an interested eye. After a while of silence, Bucky concludes. "I didn't hurt anybody." another lie, thinks Reine, another stupid rule. Violence isn't something the girl necessarily condones, but when used for good, like in Bucky's case, the girl sees nothing wrong with beating a couple bad guys up or snapping the arm of a HYDRA enthusiast. Then again, Reine has always been a girl looking to pick a fight, and her repulsion to rule number two is nothing new.

"I promise." he finishes, and his voice has grown low.

"And what about rule number three?" Raynor asks. Bucky says nothing, and Reine knows she should stay silent. "The whole point of making amends is to fulfill rule number three." A string of spanish curse words ring out inside Reine's head, but she keeps her mouth firmly shut. For once, this isn't her battle. This belongs to Bucky, and Bucky alone.

"You know, you're a cynic, Doc." he tells her, a forced smile on his face. "Of course I completed rule number three." then he goes on to state the words that Reine hates more than anything. "I am no longer the Winter Soldier. I am James Bucky Barnes and you're part of my efforts to make amends." He tries to smile, really, truly tries, but it's nothing like his normal grin. The smile that Marina Castell brought out every time she walked into a room. The smile Reine used to push up with her tiny little fingers after he had a nightmare. The smile shared when love filled a small apartment in Madrid, so many years ago.

Sickness finds a home in Reine's stomach.

"So, you did it all right," Dr. Raynor says. "But it didn't help with the nightmares."

"Well, like I said." Bucky tries to reason. "Didn't have any." Reine nods softly, her voice practically gone. Dr. Raynor looks down to her notebook, pausing in her storm to think. Reine and Bucky shift in their seats, heart's heavy.

"Look," Raynor finally says. "I know things have been hard for you two since coming back." Bucky and Reine stiffen. "I know you both loved Marina, and no one is saying that you should... forget her and move on completely." Reine's breathing is sent off kilter. "But... one day, you two are gonna have to open up and understand that the world keeps moving, and that some people really do want to help you through this, and that they can be trusted."

"Thank you, Doc," Bucky says. "But we do trust people." Reine stays unusually quiet, and Bucky fights back the hoarseness in his voice.

"Yeah?" Raynor asks, putting down the paper and gesturing to Bucky's pocket. "Give me your phone." Bucky sighs and pulls the small device out of his pocket, an old flip phone Marina gave him back in Madrid, saying it fit an old man like him better than a modern girl like her. He gives it to the doctor, who flips the thing open gently, understanding how important the item is to him, and goes through the device.

"You don't have ten phone numbers on this thing." she continues to look through the device while Reine and Bucky keep themselves steady. "Oh, and you've been ignoring the texts from Sam." then she turns to Reine. "Could I see your phone?"

"Don't have one." the girl says back, and Raynor's eyebrows scrunch. Reine raises a challenge in her eyes, but Raynor isn't here to pick fights, and instead goes to speak to both of them.

"Look, you've gotta nurture friendships." she tells them, not unkindly. "I am the only person you have called all week. That is so sad." She closes the phone and hands it back to Bucky. "These people want to help you. Let them."

"If they wanted to help us," Reine's voice pipes up, dry like years-old parchment. "They would have found mama." she spits out the last word, and Bucky's lip trembles. There it is again, the denial, the hate seeping through his step-daughter's words like venom from a constricting serpent.

Every time Marina Castell is mentioned, the air around Bucky and Reine darkens, a storm cloud comes to wash out the light. It's ironic, how Marina used to be the light, and now she's become the shadow.

"Look," Dr. Raynor says. "You two are all each other has right now." she looks at Bucky. "You're a hundred years old. You have no history, no family besides Reine..."

"Are you lashing out at me, Doc?" Bucky asks, partly in an attempt to keep Reine from bringing up his beloved wife again, talking as if she'll come back. "Because that's really unprofessional, you know?" Reine's mouth quivers. "I mean when did that start? When did you start yelling at your clients?" she reaches over for the paper and pencil again. "Oh, the notebook. That's great." She begins to write something down, and Bucky sighs deeply. He looks towards Reine, whose frown has grown tremendously.

"All right, give us a break." Bucky says loudly, turning back to Raynor. "We're trying, okay?" Reine sucks in a breath. "This isn't... this is new for us." His hand reaches down to clasp his daughters. "Okay, we... Marina and I, we never had a moment to deal with anything, you know?"

Reine flinches away.

"There was a little calm..." he continues. "In Madrid... and then in Wakanda. But other than that, I just went from one fight to another for 90 years, and dragged Reine and her into it." His voice breaks a little. "Now she's gone... and... it's hard to move on."

"We never even got to say goodbye." he finishes, leaving unbearable silence in his wake. Reine's scabbed over hands shake, and Raynor watches the girl shift away from Bucky.

"I know this is hard for both of you." the therapist says, meaning every word. "Marina was a wonderful person, and she meant a lot to you."

"She means everything to us." Reine talks back, voice low and rumbling. Raynor pauses, looking between them, then continues.

"But now that the fights have stopped, that the world is going back to normal," she tells them, directing this more to Bucky. "What do you want?" the therapist knows Reine will not listen to anything more she has to say, over the edge and into the pit she can't follow. But maybe she can still get through to Bucky.

"Peace." Bucky says after a while, his voice torn to shreds. Peace with Marina, peace with knowing what happened to his wife, peace with his daughter now left in his care. Just peace. But it feels like a lie.

"That is utter bullshit." Raynor says, and now Bucky has to physically restrain Reine from throwing something at the woman sitting across from them. Their therapist doesn't seem all that concerned, but Bucky knows how strong Reine can get when she's angry.

"What the hell is your problem?" Reine yells, and Raynor shifts, noticing the apologetic look Bucky gives her.

"I was an excellent soldier," she tells them, trying to make them both understand she knows a bit of what they're going through. "so I've seen a lot of dead bodies, including my own husband's." Reine pauses in her path of fury, and even Bucky loosens. "I know how that can shut you down. And if you are alone, that is the quietest, most personal hell." she looks between them, sharp features softened in the reminiscing. "And James, Reine, it is very hard to escape."

Reine's hands go back to her lap, heart beating quickly in her chest, so fast it aches. Her bones seize and burn with a fire to destroy, but the Doctors words have softened her wrath, and she allows herself to lean back, spinal cord popping as it hits the soft velvet of the couch.

"Look," Raynor finishes. "I know that you have, and still are, going through a lot," she gestures to Bucky. "But you've got your mind back, you are being pardoned. I mean, these are good things." she looks at both of them. "And while Mrs. Castell may be gone, there are still things in life to look forward to." Reine scoffs and Bucky's eye twitches.

"You're free."

Bucky fiddles with his hands, with the ring on his right arm, a solid steel band with the words te quiero mucho engraved on the inside. I love you very much. He hasn't taken it off since getting back, not once. The band has started to leave indents in his skin, but he still refuses to even wash it. The band is the only thing he has left of her, the only thing that hasn't been torn or taken or abandoned. Well, besides the girl sitting next to him.

How can I be free without her? Bucky thinks as the silence cascades around them, she was my freedom.

And so Bucky asks the question he knows will gain no answer. "To do what?"

After minutes of unbearable silence, their time quickly runs short. Raynor sighs as Bucky and Reine start to get up, eager to leave the office. But the doctor is not quite finished.

"Um," she starts, and both turn to look at her coldly. "Could I speak to Reine alone for a moment?" They both stop in their tracks, turning back around fully. Bucky's eyes widen, and he begins to shake his head, while Reine is more curious than angry (incredibly rare), and raises an eyebrow.

"Why?" she asks plainly, her softened accent peeking through her now almost immaculate English. Raynor puts her paper and pen onto the table beside her. She turns back to them.

"I just want to talk with you for a moment." there is no hint of a threat in her tone, something Reine had grown used to trying to find whenever she needs to talk with someone since coming back. Her ears are as sharp as daggers, piercing each syllable to find some hidden meaning, some underlying danger she must be aware of. But she can't find one in Dr. Raynor's words.

"Fine." Reine says, and moves back to the couch, crossing her arms over her chest and sitting down with a huff. Bucky doesn't move, half tempted to sit back down with Reine, refusing to leave her alone, and half tempted to drag her out before she can explode in front of Raynor.

"Mr. Barnes." the therapist's voice cuts through his thoughts, and he opens and closes his mouth several times as if to respond, but Raynor beats him to it. "I would like to speak with Reine alone."

"Right." he answers softly, then turns to his step-daughter, but she doesn't look at him. "I'll see you outside." she nods softly, and Bucky forces himself out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Reine sits straight and watches Raynor with a suspicious eye. The therapist smiles and keeps her hands firmly in her lap. Reine is not impressed.

"What do you want to talk about?" she asks. "Because If you're trying to convince me to move on from mama, to forget that she might still be alive," her voice cracks just a little, and Dr. Raynor looks away. "It's not going to work."

"That's not what I want to talk about." The therapist replies. "I just have one question." Reine stiffens, not liking where this is going.

"Which is?"

Raynor clears her throat and asks. "What was your nightmare about?" Reine exhales sharply, tears already forming in the corners of her eyes. A woman is standing in a field of golden grass, her smile as bright as the sun, eyes as lush as a rainforest. She looks away, unable to keep with her therapist's lazor-sharp gaze.

"I didn't have a nightmare." she says. "I already told you that."

"Please, Ms. Castell." Dr. Raynor says. "I'm not going to share this information with anyone, if that's what your worried about. I'm just trying to understand."

"How could you?" Reine cuts in, stopping Raynor flat out. "How could you understand?" Raynor sighs. "You're not me. You're not Bucky. You're not us. You have no idea what we're going through."

"Actually I do." Raynor replies. "You're not the only people who've lost someone during the blip." Including my husband, her past words swim through Reine's head. "I know what it feels like, alright, and I just wanna help."

There's a beat of silence, and when Reine speaks again, her voice is hoarse, barely a whisper. "We were playing hide and seek." Raynor pauses. "In Wakanda. Mama was running towards us, and Bucky was swinging me around." when Reine looks up again, her eyes glisten with unshed tears. "It wasn't a nightmare, doctor. It was a dream." a dream he woke me up from, Reine thinks bitterly, he woke me up from paradise.

"And what was Bucky's dream about?" Dr. Raynor asks slowly, letting the girl have time to pick herself back up. Reine's face falls, and she bites the inside of her cheek.

"A past kill." she answers. "A man from when he was the Winter Soldier." his whimpers echo through her mind, iron grip holding onto her wrist as his harried eyes whip around the room cautiously. She can smell the scent of home on her t-shirt, hear the rattling of his dog-tags against his sweat-stained chest. The pain of last night makes a tear slip down her cheek, salty liquid of sin plastered onto her cheek.

"She's not dead." Reine says, repeating her words from last night.

Raynor doesn't comment on the last note, knowing well enough Reine is adamant in her beliefs, and she'll have to try and get through to the girl some other way. So she sits up and clears her throat again, while Reine wipes her tears away with the sleeve of her blue jacket.

"Ms. Castell, do you know about the seven stages of grief?" Dr. Raynor asks quietly, and Reine jerks her head up. Her eyes narrow, the hint of a threat pushing at the back of her head growing louder. Alarms go off inside her mind, feeding to the fire, but she's not sure if it's just in her imagination, or if Raynor has some ulterior motive.

Her paranoia has grown significantly since the Snap.

"Yes." Reine answers. "I know what that is." Raynor nods, his features softened, whereas Reine sits as stiff as a board, shoulders high and head locked in place.

"I just want to ask you," Raynor continues. "Let's say, hypothetically, of course, that your mother has passed on..." Reine stops breathing. "What stage of grief do you think—"

"I'm not in denial." Reine interrupts, her tone growing dark. Raynor pauses, trying to be cautious. She's been warned that Reine Castell is a volatile soul, especially now, and has been labelled a mild threat by the US government since Germany in 2016. Raynor knows Reine is no enemy, and curses the government for calling a child a threat, but she's not surprised. The government has made many mistakes in the years the Avengers and Superheroes have been leading the world.

"No, that's not what I'm asking." Raynor says. "I don't think you're in denial, I'm simply wondering what stage of grief you think Bucky might be in..."

"If my mother is dead." Reine clarifies, her tone harsh.

"Yes." Raynor answers. "What do you think he might be feeling right now? What stage?" Reine tries to remember she has lungs, that air must be pushed through her burning lungs. Her hands are slick with sweat, and she pulls them into her sleeves, back aching from being held in the same position for so long.

"Um..." Reine starts, her voice hoarse. "Number four."

"Bargaining." Raynor says, and Reine nods.

"But he's..." she continues. "He's trying to accept it. He's trying to stay strong, to act like he's fine, but on the inside... it's hurting him. He wishes she was back, wishes she could be with us again, but he doesn't say anything." she looks away, the tears coming again, her throat closing up, her senses going haywire.

"And what are you?" Dr. Raynor says after a moment, her voice as soft feather down pillows.

So lost in her emotions, Reine doesn't hesitate, letting herself go, letting the walls fall down around her. "Angry." she blurts out. "Angry."

"Angry at what?"

"The world." Reine replies. "At Bucky. At mama!" she snaps her mouth closed, realizing what she's just said, coming to her senses, understanding she's just told Dr. Raynor everything. Her eyes widen, and soon the sadness lacing her heart turns to fury. She realizes what Dr. Raynor has just done, but before she can say anything, the therapist speaks up.

"Reine." she says, holding up a hand, as if that will stop the girl from lashing out. "I know that things are hard for you and Bucky right now." Reine pauses. "I know that you don't agree on what's happened to Marina, and you've distanced yourself from one another." Reine's teeth grind together. "But the only way to get through something like this is together. You and Bucky are all each other has right now, you are all the other person's got, and pushing him away will not help with the pain. It will make it worse."

"He thinks she's dead." Reine answers. "He thinks she's gone."

"And maybe she is." Raynor answers. "But maybe she isn't. The point is that the only way your going to find out, is if you rely on each other."

Reine shakes her head, getting up from her spot, limbs creaking as she stands and faces the therapist. Raynor looks up at her kindly, a sympathetic look on her face.

"He loves you, Reine." she finishes. "He wants to take care of you." Reine curls her hands into fists and forces herself to stay put. "Let him."

Reine snaps. Her nails dig hard into her skin, jaw tightening until her teeth feel like they're being crushed. She wants to hit something, to throw something at the wall and hear the satisfying crash of the object splintering into a million pieces.

She wants to scream.

Instead, the girl walks out. She takes large strides towards the door and yanks it open so hard it almost falls off its hinges. Without looking back, Reine closes the door behind her and walks past Bucky leaning against the wall.

They leave the building in silence, the man trying to keep himself together, the girl trying to pick herself back up. 

a/n: the first therapy scene between Dr. Raynor and Bucky is one of my favourite scenes in the whole series, and I was so excited to write Reine into it! I hope I was able to do it justice, making it emotional enough and showing how Reine and Bucky (but more Reine in this one) deal with their grief. I hope you are enjoying it so far as much as I'm enjoying writing it! 

ANYWAYS, what did you think of this chapter? Did you enjoy the little banter between Bucky, Reine, and Dr. Raynor? Also, what do you think of Reine's anger issues, it really shows how her grief has affected her, turning her fun temper into a volatile personality that will really come into play later on. As always, don't be afraid to comment, vote, and give me a follow!