TEN.
unwanted, unbidden!

❝ i think people would be happier if they admitted things more often. in a sense we are all prisoners of some memory, or fear, or disappointment / we are all defined by something we can't change. ❞

⎯ simon van booy, illusion of separateness

THE HARDEST QUESTION to answer about death is what it feels like.

For James Buchanan Barnes, death wasn't so much a feeling as a realization. It started in the pit of his stomach, a lurch that worked its way through his body until it reached his mind. Like a thousand wasps with poisoned stingers buzzing through his head. It was the lurching that made him realize something was wrong. It was the panic that made him realize it was something serious. It was the dust that made the realization turn to reality; he was about to die.

    An aching thought, a blossoming despair.

    It forced him to watch as he slowly slipped away. The man who'd thought he'd died countless times before knew this was the end. The real end, and he could do nothing but walk, nothing but wander back to them, knowing it was too late.

    The realization was this: he would not be able to say goodbye.

    Tears were flecked in his eyes as the dust overcame him, as he watched his oldest friend's eyes turn dark. And the last words on his lips before death overtook him was her name. Her beautiful, lovely name. Marina.

    He should have known that it was the last time he'd ever see her, his wife, his lifeline, his whole world. Death came for him relentlessly, and he knew no peace, not when he disappeared, not in the abyss of oblivion, and not when he came back.

He couldn't say goodbye

He couldn't say goodbye

He couldn't say goodbye.

The two had never wanted to step foot in Germany ever again.

It brought back too many memories, too many mournful aches that broke down the walls around their carefully guarded hearts. As they followed the guard down the pristine white-halled room, those aches became agony, and it took everything in Bucky & Reine Castell-Barnes to not stop walking.

Reine's breaths were shallow, her hair falling over her eyes. Everything about her felt dirty and grime-filled, the marks on her hands burning, heat flowering across the back of her neck. It was too clean, everything was too clean. She liked things messy, unkempt. Why was she here?

Bucky kept his fists clenched, his jaw clenched, his shoulders clenched. The entire flight over, he'd not said a single word, but would not back down on his decision to go see Zemo. Sam had tried to speak with both of them, but as much as he was in the right, as much as he hoped they would relent, Reine and Bucky were unyielding.

Besides, it was the only way.

"He's just through that corridor." the guard speaks to them, pointing down the white hall towards a dark door on the right. Reine sucks in a breath. The air is too clean. She frowns to the floor. It is too white.

A man like Helmut Zemo should not be kept in a place like this.

He deserves something worse, something to match who he is on the inside; a monster.

Sam puts a hand on Reine's shoulder. She looks up at him sharply, and he can see her mouth quivering. They share the same dark look, only Reine's is dangerous, hurtful. Sam is worried, and grows even more so as he looks at her.

"Alright." Bucky answers slowly. "Give us a sec." the guard nods and marches away. Reine flinches at each footstep.

"I don't like this place." she remarks dully, and Bucky takes a deep breath, trying to calm the staccato thumps of his heartbeat. She won't look at him, her eyes not daring to meet him. Whether it's too painful or something else, he can't be sure. Reine Castell is an enigma, even through all the years he's known and grown close to her, Bucky still can't be sure he's met the right girl.

Marina would know what to do, he thinks bitterly before he can stop himself. My love always knew what to do.

"That's why I'm gonna go in alone." Bucky says.

"Why?" Sam asks immediately.

"Because you're an Avenger." Bucky responds plainly. "You know how he feels about that." Reine snorts.

"Look, it's not like you two were known for frolickin' in the sun together." Sam retorts, and the 15-year-old raises an eyebrow. He does have a point. Her shoulders shudder as she thinks back to when Bucky and Steve came back from the fight in Siberia. She can still see the bloodstains and cracked ribs, the bruises and broken fingers. All the pain Zemo caused. The shudders turn to uncontrollable shakes, anger fuelling the fire inside her.

"He was obsessed with HYDRA." Bucky tries to say. "We have a history together. Trust me. I got it."

Reine's head whips upwards, and she finds a spot right above Bucky's left eyebrow to stare at. "I'm coming with you." she says in a steely tone. Both Sam and Bucky shake their heads at the same time.

"No." her step-father says, as if that settles the matter. Reine glares, knowing better.

"Yes," she says in a voice that matches his own. "Like you said, we have a history together. That includes me."

"No." Bucky says again. "I don't want to give him a reason to--"

"What?" she challenges, stepping forward. He freezes, watching her eyes twitch, the slightest bit of want. Still, she won't meet his eyes. "I remember what happened, Bucky. I was there in Germany when he turned you. What if he does that again?"

"He can't." Bucky says a little too quickly. "Not anymore."

"There are other ways to hurt people." Reine says, and Bucky pauses. It takes a moment to process what she's implying. When it settles in, his face falls. A flicker of guilt sparks in her gut at the sight of his mouth turning downwards. "Just let me." she says then, her voice like a stone dropping into a river. "I can do it."

Bucky turns away, rubbing a hand over his face. Reine blows out a breath, craning her neck upwards to look at Sam, who gives her a sad, sympathetic smile. The girl twists her hands. She's changed into something more appropriate for their little adventure. She's now in a pale blue pair of overalls, made of a silky, almost plastic like material that hangs loosely from her body. Underneath is a plain t-shirt, and her feet are clad in rough leather boots she's had since she was a child.

Her hair hangs in sweaty clumps around her head, and her lips are rubbed raw from biting them too hard.

In short, Reine Castell is a mess.

"Fine." It's a low mumble, barely a whisper, and at first, nobody hears it. Then, Bucky repeats himself, and the two in front of him whirl sharply to face him. His jaw is clenched, with a look of utter regret on his face, but he can't take them back. Not when his step-daughter's eyes glow so profoundly, in a way he hasn't seen since before the Snap.

Reine steps closer and takes his hand, a hint of a smile on her face. "Gracias." she whispers to him, so that Bucky and only Bucky is able to hear her. He leans down closer, nodding his head solemnly, and Reine bites the inside of her cheek. She remembers a time when there would be nothing stopping her from wrapping her arms around his neck and embracing him —maybe a little too hard— and laughing as they played together.

Despite having a unstable mind and constant danger of going back to his old ways, Bucky had been the best thing to ever happen to the Castell family. Reine couldn't think of a single time where she wanted her life to go back to normal. He loved her mother like no one ever had, he played with her and helped her dampen her temper. No matter what happened, he loved them like the moon loved the sun.

But now, with her mother gone and Reine's fury building up inside her, that love seemed to have broken. Fractured, split at the seams. No longer something shining covered in armour, but an open wound, bloody and raw and hurting.

Bucky and Reine walk away from Sam in the corridor, hunched and small compared to the room and high ceiling. Reine doesn't let go of his hand, even though her stitches have not fallen off yet, and Bucky is quite sure the gashes still give her pain. Reine doesn't let her face give anything away, a stark contrast to the open book she used to be. A stubborn ball of fire. An earthquake that toppled buildings. A little girl bouncing on his chest, poking his metal arm with a mischievous glint in her eyes.

They are led through the hall towards a locked door near the end of the room. With each step, the lights seem to grow dimmer, casting everything into a dark glow. A guard opens the door for them, and they are hustled into another, smaller room, heading to the end. The guard pauses and speaks through his radio.

Reine, oblivious to the stretch her stitches go to, tugs tighter on Bucky's hand.

The door buzzes, and the prison cell opens. Reine holds her breath, keeping the rapid thump of her heartbeat quiet, clenching her jaw so tightly she could break a tooth. The past weighs down on her as if it is a living thing, a being, a creature with claws and hungry teeth, waiting to bite into her flesh and tear out her heart.

Bucky goes first, followed quickly by Reine, into the cell. Inside is dark, with a clear glass wall looking into a smaller room with a built in bed. Newspapers lay on the floor, and a sink is fixed into one wall, but other than that, the room is empty. Emotionless. Clean.

But Reine doesn't focus on that. Instead, her gaze falls to the shadowed figure sitting on the edge of the bed. All that is visible are their legs and hands, clasped neatly in their lap, but Reine doesn't have to guess to know who sits before them.

The door closes. Bucky and Reine step up to the glass, though the young girl hides behind her step-father slightly. There's silence for a moment, and the only sound Reine hears is her own fervent breathing, before a voice she wished to never hear again calls out from the shadows.

"Longing." She's heard these words before, spoken out in Russian to enact a curse. Well, it used to. "Rusted." Then he emerges. Like a performer appearing from behind a curtain, a magician from behind a cloak, Helmut Zemo steps out from the darkness. His face, wreathed in dim light, has a hint of a smile on his filled out features. He's different from the last time Reine saw him, but she can't put a finger on what has changed. The same burning gaze, the same twisted smirk, the same scheming look.

"Seventeen." he continues, clasping his hands in front of him. Reine glares at him, hoping he can feel the heat of her hatred through the glass. But Zemo doesn't spare one glance to Reine, his eyes trained on Bucky, who speaks up before the man can continue.

"Those days are over."

Zemo cocks his head to the side. "I know." Bucky doesn't move. "Just wanted to see how the new you reacts to the old words." Zemo steps forward, walking up until he stands right in front of them, only a slim sheet of glass keeping them apart. Reine feels like a scared ten-year-old again, the one who screamed and kicked and thought violence against the bad guys fixed everything.

"Something is still in there." Zemo continues, nodding to himself. And then, finally, he looks down to her.

"Hello, Reine." she bristles at his voice, but does not look away as Zemo steps to the side to stand in front of her. She bites her lip, glowering at him.

Zemo chuckles. "You've grown since we last met." Reine's gaze hardens. "I remember, you were only a little girl, clutching your mothers hand." Now she does look away, to the side, away from anyone's stares. "You kept asking why I wasn't dead. Why I was in a cage instead of six feet under." He plays the last part off as a joke, like someone telling a story at a dinner party. Reine winces, but not from pain, and Bucky turns towards her.

"What?" he asks, voice hoarse. Reine forces herself to look at him, shame playing on her features. "Reine, what is he talking about?" he asks slowly, and Zemo's grin widens.

"Oh," he says in a sing-song voice. "They didn't tell you?" Reine shoots him a warning glance, but Zemo ignores it, giving her a rueful smile. "Marina and Reine came to visit me after my unfortunate capture." Bucky's eyes dig into the side of Reine's head.

"Reine?" he asks, voice like daggers. Reine closes her eyes, sucking in a breath.

"It's true." she finally answers, and Bucky sighs, turning away for a moment, his shoulders stiff.

"When?" he asks after a moment.

"You'd already gone into the ice," Reine says. "Mama said we should go see him."

"Why?" Bucky's voice is dangerously low, the same gravel that roughs his tongue when he awakes from nightmares, when he consoles Reine after another dream. When they stay up night after night, insomnia becoming an old friend.

"She wanted to confront him." Reine says, tears in her eyes, head shaking from side to side.

"And confront me, she did." Zemo says, as if he's flattered. "Tell me, how is dear Marina?" All air is sucked from the room at his statement. Reine's head drops, unable to look at anyone, while Bucky seems about ready to break through the glass and throttle Zemo.

The man in the cage, however, makes a confused face at the response. He looks between the two, eyebrows furrowing, until his gaze sticks to Reine. At her desperate attempts to hide her emotions. But he can see it, plain as day.

Sharp and tangible, unbidden. Grief. He sees it, and Reine knows that. She curses under her breath, turning away as Zemo's face falls into understanding.

"Ah," Zemo says, his voice pronounced. "I see. My condolences." The worst part is, it sounds like he means it. Reine whirls back around, curling her hands into fists.

"Save your pity." she spits out, stalking towards the glass until her nose nearly touches it. The girl stares up at Zemo, and her coarse, ash filled tongue is enough for Zemo to take a step back. Bucky puts a hand on Reine's shoulder, gently moving her away.

Zemo stifles for a moment, then asks. "How did it happen?"

Bucky's the one to answer, his voice low and dangerous. "We don't know." Zemo nods, and Reine's brows furrow at the look on his face. Guilt, shame, regret? All things he has no right to feel for her mother.

"Well, that is sad news." Zemo says softly, and Reine lunges towards the glass, but Bucky pulls her back once more. Zemo jerks away, eyeing the girl wearily. "Marina was a very special woman."

"What do you know about it?!" Reine snaps, and Bucky sighs, but doesn't interfere. "You never cared about her. You never cared about anyone!"

Bucky whispers into Reine's ear, holding her close, while she struggles, ready to break through the glass and finish what the Avengers could not. Zemo crosses his arms, and stands away from them, but his smirk is gone.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry." he speaks up. "It was never personal." It felt pretty personal, Reine thinks, but lets her stance relax, fists unfurling at her sides. "Your family was simply a means to a necessary end."

Bucky doesn't move. "Someone recreated the super-soldier serum." Zemo's head whips up to face them, and Reine peers at him cautiously, trying to see the man's reaction. "We need to find out who." Zemo cranes his neck towards them, then steps forward, examining Bucky's face.

"You are assuming HYDRA has something to do with this." he tells them. "Which is why you came to me, which means you are desperate." Reine exhales a breath. "Luckily for you, I know where to begin." Reine's frown returns at his words, and at Bucky's awkward stillness.

The silence is deafening, until finally her step-father turns away and leads Reine to the corner of the room, Zemo watching on in mild amusement. Reine turns to look at him, her face expectant and equally confused.

"What?" she whispers, so only he can hear.

"I have an idea..." he tells her, and Reine glances back at Zemo, who smiles at her. "But you're not gonna like it."

Reine stares at him for a moment, then says plainly. "No." Bucky sighs and tries to take her hand, but she jerks away, shaking her head. "No, Bucky. This is crazy."

"Just listen to me, Reine. Hear me out." Bucky argues.

"He's a criminal!" she exclaims, louder than she means to. "Are you forgetting what he did?" she whispers. Bucky shakes his head.

"No, I haven't, but we need him for this." Bucky answers. He goes to open his mouth to continue, but Zemo's voice cuts through their conversation.

"Let me guess." he says in a pondering tone. "Dear little Reine is one of them." Both of them turn instantly, their eyes widening to look at Zemo, who smiles at their astonishment.

"How did you-" Reine blubbers out.

"I suspected for a long time." Zemo answers. "The surprising amount of strength, your desperation to come here, to me of all people. Your anger." Reine stiffens at the word.

"Do you know how?" she asks meekly, looking to the floor. Zemo pauses for a moment, watching them.

"No." he finally answers. "... But I will help you find out." Bucky looks to his daughter, whose whole body is stiff, as if she's a statue, carved from veined marble. At last, the girl looks up, staring at Zemo with a look of contempt and regret.

"Fine." she says through gritted teeth.

✧

"What are you talking about? You wanna break Zemo outta jail?"

The flashlight's white glow illuminate stocking shelves and tarp-covered cars as Reine, Bucky, and Sam walk through the storage facility. Reine hasn't spoken since they left Zemo's cell, arms crossed and back hunched.

"Where the hell are we, Buck?" Sam continues in a demanding tone. "Have you lost your mind? Reine, what's gotten into him?" the girl shrugs absent-mindedly, and Sam takes a deep breath.

"We have no leads, no moves, nothing." Bucky answers.

"Yeah, what we have is one of the most dangerous men in the world behind bars." Reine flinches at his words, staggering behind them.

"And we also have eight super soldiers on the loose." Bucky retorts.

"Zemo's gonna mess with our minds. Especially yours." Sam says to Bucky, then looks at Reine in concern. "No offense." Bucky moves to turn on the lights of the garage, and as the wash of white overtakes the space, he frowns at Sam.

"Offense." he says bitterly. "Look, super soldiers go against everything he believes in." Bucky tells Sam, walking towards them. "He is crazy, but he still has a code." Reine sighs.

"Yeah, and I've been on the wrong side of that code and so have you." Sam says. "He blew up the UN, he killed King T'Chaka and framed you for it. Did you forget that?" With every word Sam says, regret plants itself deeper and deeper into Reine's gut. "You think the Wakandans forgot about it?" Even Bucky looks a bit hesitant, and this was his idea. "It's a rhetorical question. They didn't."

"Sam-" Reine whispers, then stops.

"I know why this matters to you," Sam tells them, watching Bucky. "But, come on, it's pushing you off the deep end."

"Sam, we don't know how they're getting the serum." Bucky says. "We don't know how Reine got it. We don't even know how many of them there are." Sam turns away and the young girl mentioned shakes her head. "Look, let me just walk you through a hypothetical. Can I walk you through a hypothetical?"

At this, Sam turns, his face growing dark. "What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything." Bucky argues, and Reine makes a pained face. Unfortunately, Sam notices.

"Reine?" he says darkly. The girl flinches.

"He did something." she blurts out. Bucky gives her a disappointed look while Reine shrugs sorrowfully. Bucky sighs and turns to Sam, beginning his "hypothetical".

"The weakest point in any system isn't the software, the hardware, it's the meatware. The human element." As he speaks, Reine thinks back to the cell, to her agreement, to the plan. "Now, in this lockup, it's nine to one, prisoners to guards." Reine and Bucky, the girl in front and hugged close, walk through the prison, down the steps to where two of the inmates are playing chess at a table. All around her, Reine can feel eyes trailing after her and Bucky.

"And if two prisoners start fighting," Bucky flicks a scrunched scrap of paper to one of the men. "Then the protocol says four guards have to respond."

"So why would two prisoners randomly start fighting at that moment?" Sam asks.

"Who knows?" Bucky responds, and Reine bites her cheek. "There could be many reasons..." Bucky and Reine exit the room right as the first punch is thrown. "But the point is, these things escalate. Lockdown procedures have to be initiated, and with all those bodies flying around left and right, it wouldn't be hard to slip down a hallway or two." Reine and Bucky run out into the safety of fresh air, getting into the car with Sam. And now they're here. "And if the fire alarm got tripped while the prisoners were being separated... someone could use the chaos to their advantage." Reine can't contain her guilt, and turns away, blowing out a breath. Why did she agree to this? Why did she go along with this insane plan?

"I don't like how casual you're bein' about this." Sam cuts in. "This is unnatural. And where are we, man?" A sound echoes through the room. All three turn to the entrance of the garage, where the shadow of a figure grows smaller as they continue towards them.

Then, the plastic curtain parts, and Zemo walks into the space.

The reaction is instantaneous. Sam backs away. Reine groans, having wished the man would fail. Bucky stands stoic.

"Whoa." Sam says. "Whoa, whoa. Hey!" Bucky puts a hand on his shoulder as Sam goes towards Zemo. "What are you doin' here?"

"Sam!" Reine says, going in front of him. "It was the only way."

"I didn't tell you 'cause I knew you wouldn't let this happen." Bucky explains. "Okay?"

"What did you do?!" Sam exclaims.

"We need him." Reine and Bucky speak at the same time. Sam looks to Zemo, who stands awkwardly in front of them, dressed in a prison guard uniform.

"You're going back to prison!" he yells. Reine goes beside him, trying to calm him down.

"Sam, it's okay-" she doesn't believe she's saying these words.

"If I may..." Zemo starts, speaking for the first time since leaving his cell. Sam, Bucky and Reine all turn to him, frowning.

"NO!" they call out in unison. Zemo shuts his mouth with a snap and nods softly.

"Apologies," he mutters.

Bucky turns back to Sam. "When Steve refused to sign the Sokovia Accords, you backed him," he says. "You broke the law, and you stuck your neck out for me." Reine remembers the Germany building, Steve holding onto her as she tried to break through Bucky's glass cage. She misses him. "I'm asking you to do it again."

"I really think I'm invaluable..."

"Shut up!" Sam and Reine say coldly. Zemo sighs and squints his eyes, pursing his lips. Then the Falcon looks to Bucky, and to Reine beside him. After a moment, he sighs and shakes his head once, but a decision has been made.

"Okay." he says, patting Reine's head. "If we do this, you..." he looks at Zemo. "don't make a move without our position."

Zemo, to his credit, doesn't argue. "Fair." Reine rolls her eyes, putting her hands in the pockets of her overalls. As she does, the man looks down to her stitches, and the dried blood that marks her tan skin. He raises an eyebrow.

"Okay, Zemo." Sam says, taking a deep breath. "Where do we start?"

a/n: annnnddd we are officially in episode three! for me personally, this episode (+ ep 5) are my FAVOURITE of the series, and I'm so excited to continue the story with little Reine. There are only 4 more chapters left in this act, and then we're already half-way through the book. I CAN'T WAIT.

ANYWAYS, what did you guys think of this chapter? Thoughts on the little insight into Bucky's experience of the Snap at the beginning? Did you notice how it mirrored Reine's experiences in chapter one? What did you think of Zemo, and his interactions with Reine and mentions of Marina? 

As always, don't be afraid to comment and VOTE, any support of this story means the absolute world to me <33 Until next time...

Love you, Mal