it's not that taehyung doesn't have anyone to bone down– he's well aware that he can simply go clubbing and pick up someone with a dick post haste, though the idea of being inexperienced and going out with a stranger who may or may not know what they're doing isn't that appealing. he doesn't want to get butthurt about it afterwards (considering both meanings of the word), so he decides to just take advantage of whatever opportunity that seems appropriate for a pure, innocent twenty year old college student,

and ask anyone that is remotely close to him. it can't fail.

(hint: he's 90% it can, but he won't ponder much about it.)

thursday

"psst, hey, jeonggukie, so what's the answer to seventeen?", taehyung asks, jerking his chin in the direction of his textbook so the end of the pencil that's being mercilessly chewed between his teeth points at the question he's mentioning.

his hand is pillowed underneath his cheek, eyelids feeling heavy as he tries to focus on studying (not too hard– can't exert himself, has been terribly exhausted since question one), or rather in what his classmate writes down on his own notebook.

jeongguk sighs, massaging his temples with the hand that isn't scribbling nonsense (in taehyung's humble opinion) onto the sheet of paper in front of him. he lets his pen fall to the desk from between his fingers, turns around on the chair until he's facing taehyung, knees poking into the other's thigh uncomfortably.

"taehyung", jeongguk says, each syllable rolling off his tongue slowly and carefully as if to stop himself from going on a rampage, "are you even trying?"

taehyung glares at the other, an incredulous expression on his face. "of course i'm fucking trying– you blind?"

he takes his notes and shoves them into jeongguk's chest with as much force as he can manage to– which clearly isn't much considering how the other doesn't even flinch, but there was an attempt. the blonde narrows his eyes at his classmate, analyzing his expression as he checks taehyung's notes, all shitty handwriting and messy formulas (there's gotta be something useful there, there has to be).

jeongguk laughs.

"are you shitting me– i cannot believe", and he carries on with losing his shit, which seems positively unstoppable as taehyung just stares at him, features set in a scowl.

stop fucking laughing, taehyung says, but it still goes on for a few more seconds until jeongguk finally (finally) lets out this shaky breath, wipes at the corners of his eyes with his thumb. "tae, is this what you call an effort?"

"yeah?", taehyung tilts his head to the side, an eyebrow raised.

"cat drawings aren't gonna make you pass this semester, hyung", jeongguk's former amused expression softens, looking serious but still sympathetic as he places taehyung's notes back on the desk. "like, i always clear up my schedule to tutor you so we can stay in the same class you asshole, try giving me something back in return."

taehyung hums in thought and jeongguk knows there's either going to come out smoke from his ears from how hard he seems to be thinking or he's going to come up with the stupidest idea on earth.

"let me think..."

"don't hurt yourself", he teases. taehyung slaps his arm in retaliation.

"when was the last time you got laid?"

"taehyung, we're not talking about my sex–"

"well, you seem stressed."

"you make me stressed–"

"want me to–", the blonde trails off, moving his fist up and down almost in time with his waggling eyebrows, "jerk you off?"

and it's the latter, much to jeongguk's dismay– who lets his head fall down onto the hard surface of the table with a loud thud. he squints in pain but doesn't dare to let out a single pained sound, just sighs (which has become a natural response to whatever crazy shit taehyung suggests nowadays).

"taehyung, first of all, i'm not gay", jeongguk feels his cheeks warm up as he explains, raising his voice in the last word to give emphasis even though his words are muffled.

that would upset taehyung (because then his plan wouldn't work, of course) if the possibility of the other being anything but heterosexual wasn't so. possible. not even rulers are straight these days for fuck's sake, why would jeon jeongguk be?

(he notices how his analogy would apply to himself, too, and disconsiders it at the speed of light)

"second, why the fuck are you suggesting this?"

"'cause it's not that gay, you see", now it's taehyung's turn to explain, and he tries to sound as chill as possible despite wanting to scream i always notice you checking me out, you infant. "i don't want to date you nor fuck you, it's just a way to repay the time you've lost while trying to help me survive through the menace that is college."

jeongguk stays silent for a moment and taehyung hopes it means that he's considering something.

"and who said you're the one fucking me if we were a thing?", and jeongguk's no longer mortified when he sits up and looks at taehyung, a lopsided smile playing on his lips, seeming quite smug for someone who has an angry red mark on his forehead where it had hit the desk.

taehyung gasps dramatically, places a hand over his heart, hurt. "like your fuckboyish dick would ever go anywhere near my precious self, hah, thank you very much. unlike you, i have some self respect", he presses his mouth closed to keep himself from smiling. has to keep his composure.

"says the guy who goes all heart eyes for the calculus teacher", jeongguk waves his hand dismissively, pretends to focus back on the textbook before him although the red that dusts his cheeks tells otherwise.

taehyung groans, loud and obnoxious, as he leans forward on the desk, slams his hands down on it like he's on the verge of going all super saiyan over the other's statement. i don't stare at him like that oh my god–

jeongguk clutches at his chest, genuinely startled. "tae– hyung, fuck, are you insa–"

"i'm willing to ignore that if you let me touch your dong", taehyung admits, manages to stifle a laugh. but jeongguk does it for him, anyway; lets his head fall back as he cackles at taehyung's good choice of words. "i dunno what tickles your fancy dude, c'mon, help me out here. dick, baby-maker, cock, weiner, big boy– or little boy, i'm not judging–"

"don't you dare call my dick little boy, i'll fucking fight you kim taehyung", says jeongguk, smile so big taehyung it completely invalidates his threat, eyes crinkling at the corners. the elder finds it all too endearing, his heart swelling within the confines of his ribcage, stupidly so. it shouldn't, god dammit.

"i might be well endowed in the dick department but no, you can't jerk me off, i thought we were over that stupid idea of yours", jeongguk shrugs one shoulder, still with a teasing smile on his lips and fuck you and your smug ass, jeon jeongguk.

"it's only been a second since i suggested that, c'mon!"

"tae–"

"if i call it a brojob instead of a handjob, will that make you reconsider?"

"the answer is the square root of two plus five, we can study more monday, good fucking night."

*✲ﾟ*

ok so the pic above is wht they look like here. Spicy Dad Jeongguk and Twinkie Tae basically because i am absolute Garbage

i didnt proofread this ok its been on my docs 4 ages im lazy

btw taehyung is pan and jeongguk is gay in this menace bc i like tht concept ND theres minjoon and and yoonseok smwhere around here ND aromantic seokjin bc hes my baby

pls vote comment and all tht jazz thatd be nice ur boy kyle appreciates