Vale of Doom by ApolloPhanaeus

First impression, I was all; FANTASY YEEESSSS.
Now let's get a bit more serious... XD

First off, the description. It's short and simple. And seriously would summarize the whole story.
But I don't think it's "hooking" enough. It doesn't make me feel, "Oh, this is interesting. Let's read it."

Ten individuals... chosen. To a dangerous mission. Fulfilling prophecy. Retrieving an object. To save the world.
I'm guessing they did it at the end... and that's just it.
Maybe there'd be more conflict, but it doesn't seem like it.

Maybe you can make it more hooking by... quoting the prophecy, maybe? Make the prophecy sound more poetic? Or mysterious at least? Or say something like how the Terran, is it??... depends on it?

Example that you don't have to necessarily follow, but just a suggestion:

Put the thing in the first chapter about how miserable their lives is, and tell there's a prophecy, then tell what danger will come, then tell how they hoped it'd come true. Then, maybe tell how difficult it'd be to fulfill it..?

I don't like controlling ppl, so I'm not forcing you to do it this way :). It's just a suggestion... it's nice to read, though...

Okay, the first chapter.

"Would" instead of "should" would be good.

It's basically about the prophecy. And suddenly from 10 ppl, it's about 9 ppl...? What...? Yeah, I like mystery and surprises but that's kinda off.

Somehow, I couldn't feel how bad the Yonders are... maybe tell ppl some heard screams at night? And it's horrifying, and they knew it was Yonders..?

2nd chapter

You don't have to repeat "wore". The second one could be, "The gold signer ring around his middle finger signified his superiority as the apparent heir.."

The repetition of "throne room" is not necessary. The first one, you can remove the "door" part. Just tell he's going to the throne room.
You can just stop at "door" for the 2nd one.

I'd like it if Dan go all why don't they make way for me? so I'd know his personality... but well, I'm sure you're more plot-oriented..? (I'm character-oriented btw! XD) Which means you care more about the plots.

Okay, he's Prince Dan.
It's nice to know it's not in a mediaeval setting, like typical fantasy stories are XD, based on his name.

You can simply said "...from the left, the biggest throne there was"
I don't know about you, but I don't think what the king wore was important... (unless he's a main character, which I'm convinced he isn't.)

Whoa, that was fast. He led them all the way there straight away...
I don't think you need to repeat he was held in a dark room, btw.

My, my... King Dlev sure is impatient. (Okay, it makes sense. But aren't you the one who follow all the way down right at that moment, Your Majesty?)

So Dan has special compulsion magic! Brilliant! But maybe you can describe it better by telling how he could see fear or lost or pain in the eyes..?

"The man replied plainly" can be removed to make it more dramatic.

"They look like death"
MY GOSH, I LOVE THIS LINE.

You can make it deeper by maybe reflecting how Looks like death is weird for Dan. May be all, "What do you mean... Death? What does he mean?"

Then, the butler came. Is the butler important? Like, a hidden hero or backstabbing villain or something? Or else, I don't think his name and appearance is important... Also, no bows, no greetings, no pardon.. just "There is something you must see."

Chapter 3

"Own", not "on".
I love how you add mermaids here :)

First of all, I don't get it, Why does Xia likes going away so much? Until two weeks?
I'm on Queen Avela's side here..

You can add information or some showing of how she was treated...as a reason of her behaviour. Maybe she just wants to be free?

"her trident him her left hand" ..?  What...? I'm assuming it's a typo x)

Chapter 4

They're vampires, surprisingly.
P/s: at least they don't sparkle under the sun

This is... the chapter where they (Dan and... Ama, is it?) accept their fate of going on a dangerous mission filled with monsters to save the freaking world from creatures who look like death.
Willingly.
With no conflict.

Like, release the doves. Oh My God! It landed on you two! Chosen Ones!
Actually, this is better than typical prophecies...

Since we're Chosen Ones, we greatly accept it!

It's okay if you make them accept it, but it could do better with exploring their inner feelings. What do they feel about it, really?
Are they joining because they want fame? Or recognition? Or just for going away from royalty responsibility?

Yeah, I know that it'd be very info-dumping (not really, since third person omniscient, which I presume us your way of writing, is naturally that way), but maybe you can at least show hints why they willingly join in.

"Because on land where clothes"
Typo :)

I sense somewhere in... Chapter 5? Where Xia and Dan has love at first sight. Mermaid and vampire romamce? Ahhh... interesting...

Overall, I saw mistakes a little, but I get the simple plot. It's easy to understand, but I recommend you do more research and take more advice (I need some too!). Maybe it'll be plot-twisting later on? Who knows, right...?? ;D

Overall so far: 5/10
Don't give up just yet, though.. ! *w*
Keep on trying to write more! Good luck!

A/N: At least you don't have to worry about publishing all the chapters. I stopped at two chapters, bcos I have little confidence.

Also, I'm very sorry, NickfEast, I haven't reviewed The Last Philosopher yet. Though, unlike Dolly with short poems in 15 chapters and this one with 5 chapters, that one has... 105? I think? Please do understand :3