Nobody, absolutely nobody:

Me: *Randomly throttling my brother in the kitchen*  (We do this a lot.  Don't worry, he's fine with it!)  👍

Brother: *Frantic gurgling*

Mom: *Walks in*  WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT TO HIM AGAIN?!!  LET HIM GO!!!

Me: *Breezily*  Oh, don't worry about it, mom.  He likes this.

Brother: *Solemnly looks up at her, quite calm*  I actually do.

Mom: *S H O O K E T H*

Me: ..Besides, he deserves this.

Brother: *Nod-nod*  I really do.

Mom: KAT!!!

Me: *Scoffs*  I'm hardly using my full power, mother dear.

Brother: *Cheerfully grinning*  Yep!  She would absolutely pop my head off with even half of her power.  😁

Me: Indeed.

Mother: *Horrified*  CHILDREN!!!

Me: Don't worry, mom.  I would never do that!

Mom: *Relieved sigh*  Well, that's good, I suppose-

Me: -Because do you know how hard it is to clean bl**d and g*ts off of my clothes?!!  IT'S NOT WORTH THE BOTHER, PEOPLE!!!  IT TAKES TOO LONG!!!  IT'S A WASTE OF MY ALREADY SEVERELY-LIMITED TIME!!!  PLUS, MY RECORD'S CLEAN, AND I'M NOT PLANNING ON EVER GOING TO PRISON BECAUSE OF AN IDIOT LIKE MY BROTHER!!!

Bro: *Nod-nod*

Mom: *S L O W L Y back out again and pretends she hasn't seen anything*

Bro and I: *High-fives*

Me: *Looks at brother*

Him: *Looks at me*

Him: ..Now do it again!

Me: *Sighs and body slams him into the wall*

Him: *Jarred*  OW!

Also him: ..But YAY!!!

Me: *Sidelong glance*  ..You need some serious professional help.

Him: *Giggles*  I know!

Me all year long: *Is generally pretty quiet, doesn't talk much or ever show extreme excitement, like a human deadpan*  (Granted, since I escaped the evil confines of school, I've gradually started expressing emotions again after several years, but yk what I mean.)

Me when a new season of Ninjago has just dropped: AHAHAHAHA!!!  SQUEEEEEEE!!!  *Giddy bouncing*  YESYESYEEEEESSSSS!!!  *Happy rabbit-style thumping, because I don't know what else to do in my excitement*  WOOHOOOOOO!!!  *Happy dancing*  IT'S FINALLY HEEEEERE!!!  *Goes quiet for a while, interspersed every so often by random 'eeps!', 'squeaks!' and 'mips!'  *Runs around the house, shrieking*  *Bouncebouncebounce*  ALRIGHT!!!

..So I was basically doing all that when the first half of Ninjago: Dragons Rising Season 2 was released, and my brother barely glances at me and says: A new season of Ninjago just got released, huh?

Me: 0-O  *Fake gasp*  HoW'd YoU kNoW?!!

The way that's the only thing that can do that...

Non-North Americans, I don't think that you're all aware of just how messed up Canada and the US are.  (I have many examples, but I'm not getting shot by these people, no sir!  ..You're just getting the safer ones.)

Because in Canada, we:

- Measure oven temperature in Fahrenheit, but inside/outside temperature in Celsius

- Get the grocery store flyer fruit prices in pounds, but get them weighed at the checkout in kilograms

- Variably, and with great confusion, alternately know EITHER yards/feet/inches, or meters, and the majority of people have absolutely NO CLUE on how to convert either to the other, because I don't think that we ever learnt them in school, they just assume that you'll eventually figure one out on your own.  

..Maybe one day.

..And let's not forget that poor young embarrassed lady in the American Joanns fabric and craft store who got SO confused trying to use the fractions on the cutting table that she nearly had a mental breakdown right in front of us, with all of the weird 11/16ths of a yard nonsense, when the problem could quite easily be solved with the brilliant simplicity of the decimal system.

100 equals a whole meter.  

100.

1. 0. 0.

1.

0.

0.

How easy is that?

..Too easy, apparently.

"LeT's MaKe It HaRdEr!"  -Said some idiot North American sometime a while ago.  (Don't worry, he's dead now.)

Feet.  FEET.  Why would you measure something with your lower extremities, when a simple, even 100 would EASILY suit your purposes?  What, you don't want to sound too British?  Is that it?

Well, guess what, my fickle friend.  THE ENTIRE REST OF THE WORLD uses this strange and unusual system of measurement, with absolutely no problems or confusion whatsoever.  

Did you want to sound special or something?

TSK.  A big TSK to you!!!

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON INCHES!!!  The moment that you say that word, a whole host of inappropriate comments is sure to follow it.

The thing is, wouldn't it sound, oh, I don't know..  Bigger, in centimeters?  😉😏😘😳

Meanwhile, in Canada: 

A random woman walks in with an American quilting book, (I myself have that exact edition, but I was craning my head upside down like a weirdo owl person to see it and make absolutely sure that it was the same one) and has no clue what these mythical 'yards' convert to, because Fabricland measures in METERS, not bl**dy YARDS!!!

The poor Fabricland store clerk has to pull out her calculator and a conversion chart from the drawer, plug in a needlessly long formula, and try to get the closest conversion possible, because (surprise, surprise) PEOPLE ARE TOO DUMB HERE, NEVER LEARN BASIC MATH, AND ARE COMPLETELY UNABLE TO DO MENTAL MATH EVEN IF THEIR VERY LIVES DEPENDED ON IT!!!

Meanwhile, back in America:

A different Joanns clerk, with uncombed, unwashed hair and slobby attire: *Chewing her cud-  Er, I mean, CaNdY*

The clerk: *Disgusting openmouthed chewing*

Clerk: *Blank look devoid of a soul or human emotion*

Mom and I: *Exchange LoOkS*

Me: *Raises eyebrow at her*  You know that it's gonna be one of those ones.

Mom: *Rolls her eyes back*  Ugh.  You can already tell. 

Mom: *Imperiously turns to clerk*  I'd like 1.75 yards of this fabric, please.

Clerk: *Yet another blank look*

Clerk: *Processing request*

Clerk: Um..  Uh..  *Obviously thinking very hard, indeed*

Clerk: *Takes nearly a whole minute to reach a hesitant conclusion*  

Clerk: *Turns to co-worker*  Um..  *Nervous chewing*  1.75 yards is, uh..  One and three-quarters, right?  *Runs hand through greasy hair, panicking*

The other coworker, who we know and actually like: -Yeah, it is.  *Absolutely giving us the 'I'm sorry about her' look over the incompetent one's shoulder*

Come to my basement at about midnight, and you will find:

..A giant hairy black spider dutifully walking down the exact middle of the concrete pathway, and then back again.

EVERY NIGHT.

HE JUST..  GOES FOR A STROLL, AND THEN HE WANDERS BACK UNDERNEATH THE PILE OF GLASS JAM BOTTLES BY THE WALL WHEN HE'S DONE.

EVERY.  SINGLE.  NIGHT!!!

..He's so precious, fr.

And then there's the ridiculously tiny mouse I observed racing up the rosebush by the garage last night.

SO TINYYY!!!  AAAAHHHH!!!  😍🥰

Me just waiting for the chance to be home alone be like:

*Dramatic yet melancholy music*

*Slowly watching the Seasons change*

*More sad music*

When you finally are HOME ALONE:

*Enthusiastically singing a villain song that you composed with full-volume evil laughs*

😉😈

In CaSe I dOn'T sCaRe ThE nEiGhBoRs EnOuGh As Is..!

I love how so many parents these days are so overprotective of their children being online, meanwhile most of us are just there like:

-Hey, check out my new scented glitter pens!  *Posts pic*

-My furry baby is SOOO sweet!  Look at him/her!  *Another pic*

-Look at these wholesome memes!  *Makes someone's day, who REALLY needs some happiness in their lives*

-Are you drinking enough water and getting enough sleep?  You need to take care of yourself, you know.  *Sends virtual hugs*

Me, I'm just desperate to rant about the fact that I'm getting a Herbin glass dip pen (in the Ultramarine color) for my birthday, so stay tuned for that one!  ODHTOEHGH0OWHJGOEJG78EW

*Frantically buying some nice ink online*

*Trying to prepare my room for renos, too*

WE ARE SO NORMAL, FR.  WHY CAN'T SOME PEOPLE SEE THAT?  DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK THAT I'D WASTE MY TIME BECOMING FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE, ONLY TO ABDUCT THEM?!!  IF I'M FRIENDS WITH MEW, IT MEANS I LOOK YOU AS A HOOMAN BEING AND RESPECT YOU, I'D NEVER EVEN ROMOTELY ENTERTAIN THE IDEA OF HURTING YOU IN ANY WAY.  (See previous comment relating to prison post.)  I JUST WANT TO TALK TO PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND ME AND DON'T THINK THAT I'M ALWAYS THIS COOL, CALM, EMOTIONALLY DEAD PERSON!!!  I WANT TO JOKE AROUND AND MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH!!!  WHERE ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?!!  EVEN MY OWN FAMILY CAN BE LIKE: 'Oh, you cracked a joke.'  *Shooketh*

News flash, I have more sides to me, and THIS IS THE REAL ME.

A VALóDI ÉN.  (Okay, Hungarian doesn't quite have that expression, but my MEANING!)

HONTO NO WATASHI.

..You guys get me.  :')

Us: *Eating dinner*  

Computer: *Is on*

Discord: *Ping*

Mom: What was that?

Discord: *Ping*

Mom: *Twists around in alarm and scans the room*  Seriously, what's that sound?

Me: *Embarrassed*

Bro: *Smirks*

Discord: *Ping-ping*

Mom: Wha-?

Me: IT'S JUST-

Bro: -SHHH!!!  Don't tell her!!!

Me: WHY THE HECK SHOULDN'T I TELL HER?!!

Discord: *Ping-ping-ping-ping-ping-ping-ping!!!*

Me: It's just Discord.  It's one of those newfangled chat sites.

Bro: WHY WOULD YOU TELL HER?!!

Me: BECAUSE I'M NOT A LIAR LIKE YOU, IDIOT!!!

Mom: I THINK I KNOW WHAT DISCORD IS!  *Triumphant noises*

Discord: PINGPINGPINGPINGPINGPINGPINGPINGPINGPINGPING-!!!

Me: *Mortified facepalm*  I'm sorry, everyone's becoming active now...

Horrible lighting here, and it wasn't even pressed/completely sewn yet at the time that I took this, but oh well: 👇  

(This was all at Easter, btw.  Yes, I know I'm slow, I've got a very complicated life.)

MINIS!!!  Several small and/or miniature quilts that I had recently finished.

The Commissioner: So, Nya and Kai.
The Commissioner: According to this, you two are being accused of: Armed Robbery, Vandalism, Drug Abuse, Grand Theft Auto...
Nya: We had a bad day.
The Commissioner: And... MURDER?!
Kai: It was a pretty bad day...