Guilty. Guilty. Guilty.

They told you not to engage. And you did. Like a weakling.

What is wrong with you?

My conscience hurled mighty accusations like an angry mob carrying flashlights and shotguns. My stomach churned with acidic bile. 

Why did he kiss me? Why didn't I have the presence of mind to shove him away from the first moment he'd drawn near me? 

I hated him. My soul couldn't stand him. 

How could I let that happen?

In the apartment, a cold sweat had broken across my back, soaking through my cotton T-shirt. It reminded me of Neil's recommendation to wear synthetics like polyester during a hike.

Natural fabrics hold your sweat. 

Yeah, they do.

"Are you sure we should all get in the van?" I asked Ink and Jaws. "Thomas has no COVID symptoms, but lots of people don't."

"You're all right," said Jaws after Ink gave him a curt nod. "Hop on in."

I couldn't bring myself to tell them I'd kissed him. Talk about viral load. Shit. What about Emily? Should I even go home after exposing myself like that to COVID? 

Kissing one's ex wasn't great at the best of times. But during a pandemic? Talk about irresponsible. 

Clutching my hair by the roots, I tried to think calmly. Rationally. I exhaled a deep breath. 

"Are you all right?" asked Ink.

"Yeah, yeah..."

Truth was I was still shaking from the adrenaline. Thomas hadn't tried to touch me afterward. Even after our confrontation, my ex helped me carry the things to the van like he'd promised. Didn't even start trouble with the guys.

In fact, Thomas appeared to be the perfect gentlemen. Ink and Jaws had probably thought I was a drama queen.

Or like my ex used to tell me, "You make problems where none exist."

All right, maybe I did panic too much in certain situations, but I wasn't crazy. Thomas was bad news. Emily could see it. Hell, even the passengers at the train station could see it.

Who cares? You took your stuff and left. It's done. 

Focus on Neil. 

Neil...oh, God!

How the hell would I ever explain?

Unlocking my phone, I found a flurry of messages. From Neil. From Emily. Both saying essentially the same thing.

Emily: hiya doing vee?

Emily: got all your stuff?

Emily: no probs i hope? 🙀🧐

Emily: should i call ya? 😰

Emily: dont let him bully you. 🤬

Emily: tell the guys if he's a weirdo.

God, how would I bring myself to tell her the truth? Or Neil? 

Both of them had given me sound advice that I'd ignored in the heat of the moment. And it'd led to disaster. At best they would think I was a stupid numbnut who couldn't control her impulses. At worst, they would permanently lose all respect for me. 

Not to mention Neil would definitely break it off now. It was the only rational choice.

Emily: dude i texted the guys

Emily: they say youre upset 😰

Emily: come on hon talk to me

Emily: what happened?

As much as I wanted to spill my guts to her, I couldn't bring myself to do it. How did one confess to one's best friend that one had made a terrible mistake like kissing one's ex after one already had a new boyfriend? 

Neil is my boyfriend, right? 

I mean, we never had The Talk, but it's clear as hell. 

Did that mean I'd cheated on Neil? Sure, I shoved my ex away once my rational mind had gotten a hold of me. In those few moments of shock before he touched me, I didn't move away.

My stomach churned so violently, I had to control my breathing so as not to barf.

Me: I can't talk about it.

Emily: jesus! finally! 😨

Emily: are you all right?

Emily: did he hurt you?!?!?!?! 🤬

Me: no, nothing like that

Me: but I can't tell you

Emily: yes you can

Emily: no judgment

Emily: I promise

Emily did judge, though. She didn't mean it in a bad way. It just happened.

Sure, she might hang up the judgment hat temporarily to help me through this crisis. But my best friend would always remember me as the lame asshat who had kissed her ex goodbye.

Me: It's too embarrassing

Me: Neil will never forgive me

Emily: hon weve all been there

Emily: you leave an ex 

Emily: and your mind goes nuts

Emily: hormones too

Me: I...

Me: I can't even bring myself to say it.

Emily: did you sleep with him?

Emily: breakup sex is a thing

Me: NO HELL NO OMG

Emily: well then

Emily: it cant be that bad

Me: it's worse

Emily: if he didn't hurt you

Emily: and you didn't sleep with him

Emily: how could it be worse?!!?!

Emily: DID HE HAVE COVID ON PURPOSE?!

Me: He kissed me.

Me: He KISSED me, Em! 

Me: I mean, I pushed him away. 

Me: But how did I let him get that close?

Me: How did I almost fall for it again?

Me: OMFG I hate him. I can't stand him. 

Me: And we kissed?!?!?! 

Me: Do I need professional help?

Me: And WTF will Neil think?

Me: He'll think I'm the biggest you know what?!

Emily: hon, please don't worry

Emily: give Neil a chance

Emily: he'll understand

Emily: he's a rational guy

Me: Not with this he won't be!!!!

Me: He'll be all worried that I'll go back.

Me: And he'll end it. And he'll have logic on his side.

Me: He won't want to be with all my drama.

Emily: if you don't feel ready to tell him yet

Emily: just wait a while until you are

Me: I can't LIE?! I can't say oh it's all fine?!?!?!

Me: Sure, my rational brain kicked in

Me: and my heart told me I wanted Neil

Me: and only neil

Me: But it should never have gotten that far.

Emily: sometimes we need that moment

Emily: so that our hearts know for sure

Emily: we're making the right choice

Me: but a kiss???

Me: sex is sex. it's an annoying obligation.

Me: but kissing??? 

Me: ugh...I feel dirty and gross.

Emily: then Neil has no reason to worry, does he?

Emily: you could have stayed with Thomas.

Emily: you could have fallen for his tricks again.

Emily: yes, you had a weak moment. 

Emily: but you faced it and walked away.

Emily: you grabbed your stuff and CHOSE NEIL.

Me: you know me.

Me: he won't see it like that.

Emily: don't be so sure.

Emily: he's skyping me.

Emily: asking if you're okay.

Emily: should I answer?

Me: Tell him I'm fine but a bit upset because of my ex. 

Me: Don't tell him why.

Emily: hon that's worse than not answering

Me: I don't know, all right? Jesus!!!

Me: Just let me think and I'll be home soon.

Think, think, think! 

You can't lie. And you can't tell the truth. 

Dodge the questions, and Neil will see right through it. 

Thomas had said one truthful thing: I was a terrible liar. But the truth would mean the end of something beautiful before it had even started to grow. 

It doesn't matter. Take responsibility. 

It's the right thing to do. 

___

Word count: 1,062
Total word count: 26,253/40,000