When I burst through the front door, Emily embraced me. Led me to sofa. Comforted me while Ink and Jaws brought all the boxes inside. 

"I have to tell him," I whispered to Emily. "Other people might be able to keep secrets and lie, but that's not me."

"Are you sure?"

"If Neil decides to break up with me, I'll have to accept it."

She nodded. "You gotta go with your conscience and do what you think is right."

With a frustrated groan, I flopped in my office chair and swiveled back and forth. Reading all Neil's messages. 

Neil: Good luck today.

Neil: Remember. Don't engage. 🦔

Neil: How did it go? Did you get your stuff?

Neil: Are you all right? 

Neil: Please call me when you get back.

Neil: We can talk if you want. 🥰

Well, here goes nothing.

When I dialed Neil on Skype, he answered almost immediately. His neutral expression morphed into one of concern as soon as my video feed appeared. 

"Are you all right?" he asked. "What happened?"

I couldn't even look at the screen.

Don't be such a coward!

"I..." Drawing a ragged breath, I cupped my forehead. "I did something bad. Real bad. I feel awful about it, but I have to be honest."

Although I couldn't face him, his tone fell calm and neutral. "All right. Let's talk about it."

Staring at my keyboard, I told him everything. He didn't interrupt me once. Not when I'd broken his sage advice. Not when Thomas had drawn me near. Not when he'd kissed me. Not when I'd pushed him away. He simply listened with polite attention. 

The couple of times that I dared to look at the screen, Neil had masked his emotions under a poker face of perfect neutrality. 

How did people even do that? What was Neil feeling underneath? A sense of betrayal? Disinterest? Horror? Disappointment? 

Had he already decided to let me go?

Or did he care too much to show?

As for me, I could never hide my emotions. I melted into a perfect mess. 

"It was awful." My voice sounded nasal and my throat clenched from suppressing tears. "I'm not making myself out to be a victim. But I do want to make it clear that I didn't like it. At all."

"Did your ex respect your wishes after you told him no?" Neil asked. 

"Yes."

"So he didn't hurt you?" 

"No."

He pursed his lips. "Do you still have feelings for him?"

"No!"

"Forgive me, but I had to ask."

"I don't even know why it happened." I sighed heavily. "Thomas stalked me at the train station like a nut. We had an ugly sparring match over email. We met. I ignored him, and he was cold. Then...I don't know how he dug his claws into me. It was like an alien had taken over my body..."

"Exes often get together one last time," he said in a calm, rational tone. "Recently I read a study about it. It's quite common actually. As long as you know how you--"

"No! Don't make excuses for me!" I exclaimed. "It's all right to get angry. To tell me off. To ask me how the hell I could be so stupid? So foolish? To break it off because I was such an idiot."

Neil balked. "Is that what you want? For me to spurn you?" 

"No, it isn't! But it's what I deserve."

He tilted his head. "What we have...is...unique. You know that, right?"

For once, my heart dared to hope. "All too well."

"I wouldn't end what we have out of spite." Neil furrowed his brow. "I want to work through this together. If we both know it's over with your ex, then it's over. And I respect that."

"But he kissed me."

"And you pushed him away."

I nodded. 

"You made your choice," said Neil. "And you didn't choose him, right?"

"Right."

"You came to me and told me the truth, right?"

"Right."

A wistful smile crossed his lips. "Then why should I get angry at you? It solves nothing. Moving forward together and leaving behind that misery...now that solves something."

"How can you be so calm?"

"Should I ask how you can be so upset?" he retorted. 

I gave an incredulous scoff. "No, you shouldn't..."

"This is who I am." He pressed his lips together. "I don't rage. I don't cry. I don't shout. At least not over a mistaken kiss between recent exes. What matters is our future. Your feelings for us."

"I care about you," I insisted. "Not him."

"I trust you."

"You were right." I chewed at my bottom lip. "You told me not to engage."

"Water under the bridge," he said. "Though it might work better in future."

I groaned. "Now that I have my things, I can hopefully avoid any future confrontations with him."

"There's only one thing that makes me..." He paused in thought. "A bit...hmm...annoyed...or frustrated, I guess?"

Oh, no! Here we go. 

Brace yourself. 

"What's that?" I asked in a wary tone.

"He had the chance to kiss you," said Neil in a husky tone. "And I haven't yet."

"I'm sorry! I--"

"No, you misunderstand me..." Neil leaned forward. "I want to kiss you. To hold you. Right now. We're doing the right thing by staying in separate bubbles, but when all this is over..."

My heart swelled. I drew a sharp breath, my lips parting. But not like I did with my ex, mostly out of startled shock. This time--with Neil--I longed for him too. His touch. And only his.

I think I'm falling for him. 

"When you're ready..." He replaced his neutrality with uncharacteristic fervor. "I want to show you. It would be so much easier if I could hold you right now."

"I want you to show me." I exhaled a ragged breath. "And I want to show you too."

Neil gazed at me with that tender expression of his. The one which made my heart thud and my spirit soar. 

___

Word count: 941
Total word count: 27,194/40,000