#54: The Mailbox (Takes place after "Bros before Dinos")

Dipper and Y/n went back to the path they once came from, this time bringing their supplies. They recently discovered an abandoned mailbox lying in the middle of the forest. They had to investigate and inspect closer. Soos wanted to come with and now the three were walking up to the mailbox.

Y/n had the camera ready in her hands, pointing at Dipper. "Look good?" he asked her.

"Yep. You look nice."

He smiled, a faint blush in his cheeks but he cut himself off by clearing his throat. "Okay, we're starting. Soos, you got your costume ready?"

"I'm so ready, dude," Soos replied after putting on a coat and a pair of safety glasses. "I feel so much like an expert."

"That's what we want you to be, Soos," Y/n said, chuckling slightly. "Okay, ready? Three, two, one, and..." she pressed the button, giving Dipper the nod.

And that's when Dipper took the cue. "Welcome back to Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained. Anomaly #54: The Mailbox."

He reached out his hand towards the middle and Y/n swiped to the right, showcasing the mailbox. "There it is, in the middle of the forest. No house. No address. Today, me and my team of experts..."

Soos walked into frame. "'Sup?"

"Hey," Y/n followed, waving her hand in front of the camera.

". . . are gonna put a letter in and see who picks it up." Dipper finished, standing beside her.

"My letter posits a salient question: "Sup Dawg?"" Soos said, showing a folded letter that he wrote before slotting it inside.

Dipper nodded. "Now we're gonna hide behind a bush, and wait for someone to come by-"

The mailbox began to shake violently. "What the-?!" Y/n said, zooming in the post.

"Whoa!"

The flag of the mailbox was raised, indicating that there was already a reply. "Did you see that?" Soos asked, wearily stepping closer.

Dipper ran towards the mailbox. "Open it!"

"No, you open it, dude! I'm not touching a ghost mailbox!"

The two looked at Y/n for any guidance, to which she just gave a shrug. "Might just be harmless. You go open it."

"Okay, here goes." Dipper reached over and pulled the cover open. He retrieved a closed letter inside the box, with an insignia stamped in the middle as a seal. Dipper brought the letter closer to the camera and upon closer inspection, Y/n noticed an infinity symbol in the emblem.

"That's not our letter, dude!" Soos remarked.

Dipper opened the letter, peeking what's inside. "It says..." he gasped loudly before turning the letter, facing the lens. "'Hello, Y/n, Dipper, and Soos'!"

"It knows our names!" Y/n questioned, tilting her head slightly. "Is it like an all-knowing mailbox?"

"Let's test it."

Luckily for this particular experiment, the trio bought enough blank paper to use. Soos thought of a question that he wanted to ask as a test if the mailbox was truly all-knowing. "'What did I shave into my head this morning?'"

He placed the letter inside, and not even a second that the mailbox shook and shivered and its flag was raised. Soos pulled out the reply, opening it and reading it out loud. "'A baby duck holding a paddle ball'. Dude, it knew!"

As proof, Soos turned around and removed his hat, showing his shaved hair. It was exactly that.

"What?!" Dipper exclaimed from behind the camera.

Y/n felt chills running down. Does that mean they could ask it whatever they want and they would get immediate answers? A million questions flowed around her mind. Questions that she wanted to ask for a long time.

Dipper had another paper and pen and wrote "When is the end of the world?" before shoving it inside. The reply instantly came and he opened it. "3012. Huh. We got a while."

They asked plenty of questions, until Dipper turned to Y/n. "What about you, Y/n? You wanna ask the omniscient mailbox?"

"I... still have to think of one," she replied sheepishly, when in actuality, she was thinking of asking whether Ford is alive or not. That was the one question that remained on her mind. Is he still out there? Will her project be for nothing?

Meanwhile, Soos and Dipper were beaming with questions. Dipper stood beside the mailbox with a blank paper to write on. "Uh... what is the exact time and date of my death?"

"Did aliens build the pyramids?" Soos asked in the background.

"Or... what is the meaning of life?"

"What are marshmallows made of?!"

"Or... who wrote journal 3?"

"Who wrote the journal! Who wrote the journal!" Soos ecstatically pointed at him as excitement filled his veins.

Y/n rolled her eyes. They could simply just ask her and she'll happily provide the answer. But she remained quiet as she realized that she actually wouldn't spill that secret.

"We're finally gonna get the answer to the greatest mystery in Gravity Falls!" Dipper proclaimed, smiling towards the camera.

Suddenly, Mabel walked by with a grin. "Nifty! A mailbox! I've been wanting to mail Mom this video of me sticking a hundred gummy worms up my nose!" Without hesitating, Mabel shoved a package inside of the mailbox.

"No, wait!"

"Dude, stop!"

"Mabel!"

"Slam!" The girl whacked it closed and the mailbox shook. The trio except for Mabel waited with such anticipation as Dipper took the reply from inside and read it aloud. "Your gummy worm video has disturbed and insulted me. You fools are unworthy of my great knowledge. The era of human enlightenment shall never come to pass."

Just as he finished reading it, the mailbox glowed a very bright blue and the ground quivered. Everyone sprinted far from the mailbox before it exploded in a flash of light, collapsing in on itself.

Everyone was in disarray, clothes almost burned as Soos, Dipper, and Mabel stood in the middle of a scorched clearing. "Well, uh, that concludes Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained, where we learned when dealing with the unknown," he turned angrily to his sister, "do not mail videos of you shoving gummy worms up your nose!"

"There's more where that came from!" Mabel said, bringing out more gummy worms. "Into my nose! Into my nose-"

"No, no! Stop recording! Stop-!"

***

#82: Lefty (Takes place after "Bros Before Dinos")

"Alright. Welcome back to Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained," Dipper said to the camera. "Today we investigate Gravity Falls' anomaly #82... this guy."

Dipper panned over to a window that showed a man probably in his 40s across the street, inside a bowling alley. He was staring at a newspaper very curiously.

"Sure, he looked normal, but if he's so 'normal', explain why he's always facing left!"

On cue, the man went to reach for his mug located behind him, but instead of turning 180 degrees, he just leaned further until he could reach it, casually drinking the coffee.

Dipper has been following this peculiarity for weeks now; he basically knew his entire routine, yet he kept facing left in all of those activities. The younger boy had never once seen the right side of the guy's face. He questioned the absurdity of all.

So he asked his dear sister, "Mabel?" Y/n pointed the camera at Mabel. "Theories?"

"Theory one," Mabel pulled a piece of paper from an envelope. It was an illustration of her concepts. "He's hiding an embarrassing sunburn! Theory 2: half man, half lizard man!" She pulled another drawing, one after the next. "And theory number three- my personal favorite, he's normal! And Dipper's just crazy!"

Dipper pried the paper from her hands. "That's not a theory, that doesn't count as a theory."

Mabel laughed, and Y/n couldn't help but laugh as well. Dipper glared as he crossed his arms. Y/n pointed the camera back at Dipper. "So what's the plan?"

***

The plan was to walk inside, act like three normal best friends who just wanted to play bowling- while Dipper subtly questions the man. Seemed easy. "Hello, good sir!" Dipper greeted upon strutting alongside them.

"Uh, I'm sorry, cameras aren't allowed in here." The man gave a literal side eye- since only his left side was facing them.

Y/n lowered the camera, covering the lens briefly with her palm. But it was still recording, only focused at the lower angle. "Oh, sorry. It's not on the entire time, I promise."

She elbowed Dipper, and he took the chance to approach the guy closer by the counter. "So," he began, "do you mind grabbing those bowling shoes for me? The ones on your... right side?" He emphasized, and Y/n already wanted to feign disappointment at his lack of cleverness.

Luckily, even though the guy looked at him suspiciously, he was still very much accommodating. After all, the customers are always right. "These ones?" The man took the shoes behind him with ease, not even needing to turn around.

Dipper pouted slightly as he crossed his arms. Suddenly, he had an idea. "Whoops!" He said, fishing for his wallet from his vest. "Oh no, I... dropped my wallet!" But instead of dropping it like he said, he threw it on the other side of the counter, specifically on the guy's right side. "It's over to your right there, your right side... could, maybe, turn around and-"

The man huffed, exasperated, but nonetheless he only stepped back a bit and crouched down (still facing the left side) as he picked it up and gave it back to Dipper. "There you are, sir," he grumbled.

"Fine," he replied, taking back his wallet.

"Um, anyway, sir," Y/n chimed in. "Can you get us our bowling ball instead? We kids might have a little difficulty carrying something so heavy."

"I don't see why not," the man shrugged, exiting the counter and going to the rack where the colorful bowling balls were. "Let's see. Look like maybe a ten or..."

Dipper followed, standing beside Y/n as she glanced at the camera checking if the angle was still okay. "Well, uh, I was thinking it could be the- AHA!"

The boy lurched forward and took his chance now that the man's guard was down. He grabbed his shoulder and pushed it to the other side, forcefully turning his whole body around, revealing-

A whole other robotic side, completely metal. With sectioned rooms occupied by some sort of aliens. They looked to be working together in harmony as they each have their own roles to make this 'human' function.

"What the...?!"

One of the aliens finally noticed the three kids staring at them. "Guys!" It alerted his comrades, and they gasped as they all concluded that they had been revealed.

"We're blown. Shut it down! Shut it down!"

The aliens brought out a glowing red pill, chanting, "The time has come" before eating it. And upon intaking it, they began exploding. One of the aliens faced the other. "The time has come, brother!"

"I can't, I have a family!"

"You signed the oath!" It shoved the orb to the alien and they ate it in unison, exploding at the same time.

The man's right side was completely void of any controlling aliens until it malfunctioned and shut down, collapsing and exploding. The fire sprinklers were turned on.

"Ah, come on! The sprinklers are on!" One of the customers complained.

The three made a run for it. Dipper took the camera and turned it around, facing the three of them. "Well, that concludes anomaly #82. Uh, I think we might want to burn this tape."

***

DQG UHDG EHWZHHQ WKH

🗝: caesar

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