*Update - guess what? That's right, there is now a lyric video for Bring Me to Life at the end of the chapter! Its a hard rock sound, but listen to it anyway because its really good!

Bring me to life

Hope was once again on the road. After 2 hours at the camp ground talking to Diane, calling her mom and setting up her camp site, it was time to relax. She wanted to shake off the disappointment of hearing Ethan was in SLO as well. Now she was headed to the waterfront shops and restaurants. Only a ten minute drive from camp, the road twisted and turned through the forest-like area adjacent to the downtown.

The town was set along a hillside so roads were steep in places and houses were layered up toward the peak. It wasn't a very big town. It had one small high school, a few churches and only a couple of grocery stores. There were some small commercial fishing boats and a few cute antique shops. The town was split in half by highway one, with most businesses being on the ocean side and many residences pushing their way up the hill. The view from the hilltop was a breathtaking 180 degrees of ocean, with Morro Rock as the main feature. In fact, from pretty much any spot in the town, the rock was a prominent presence.

Hope made her way down the hill and parked along the waterfront. Exiting the car, she took in the view: boats attached to their moorings, shops boarding the docks, restaurants with full view of the water and marina, and grassy areas with benches. The sun was just starting to make its daily appearance at 4:30. Being a weekend, the area was full of tourists. Hope wove her way through the crowds slowly as she window shopped and people watched.

She stopped briefly to watch a young family play a game of chess, the type with life size chess pieces, at the park. The kids were giggling and running around. The dad had his arm around the mom's shoulder as they watched the kids playing, smiles on their faces. Hope had a sense of longing, a desire for that time in her life when she was still innocent of life's pain and disappointment, with the simple joy this family displayed. Did she even remember such a time? She wished her family could enjoy each other, but knew it just wasn't in the cards for them.

As she continued on, she smiled at the infamous Shell Shop, which was a Morro Bay landmark since at least the 1960's. Across the way was the rescue aquarium holding seals, eels and other random sea creatures. The bark of the seals could be heard blocks away. Inside was also a little souvenir shop with random trinkets, some covered in dust, they had been there so long. She wondered how it stayed in business all these years.

These were places she frequently visited when her family camped on their annual trip. Again Hope felt a sense of longing, but it began to be overshadowed by her frustration with her life. She had no control over the events of the past couple years and this was what bothered her the most. There was absolutely nothing she could do to change anything. A deep breath, a sigh for probably the millionth time and Hope kept walking.

After visiting a few stores, sampling some decadent chocolates (who knew that salt and chocolate went so well together?) and people watching along the way, Hope chose a small waterfront seafood restaurant for dinner. She sat with her clam chowder and hush puppies looking out at the marina, suddenly feeling more lonely than she ever had before. Hope wasn't normally bothered by being alone, in fact she enjoyed it. That was the one time when she could finish a thought or just breathe in and out without having to stop and help someone else. Her family needed her so she pitched in. But lately she seemed to be doing more than someone her age should be expected to, making up for a missing parent. Hope was lonely, feeling that no one was in her corner cheering her on. She felt forgotten. And she was beginning to sense the anger attempting to make its way to the surface.

Get ready, it's about to show up.

When are you going to leave me alone?

When you let it go...

With a sigh (a million and one), Hope got back in her car and drove to the rock. To the north was a two mile stretch of beach that was home to local surfers and great for horseback riding. To the south was a series of tide pools and a man-made jetty. Hope pulled her car to the southern road and parked at the end, closest to the jetty. She got out and started hiking the trail which led to the large rocks placed to block the ocean currents from disturbing the boats in the harbor. Hope climbed rock after rock, inching closer to her destination, a front row view of the powerful ocean waves crashing against the jetty.

Now I can have my peaceful ocean experience.

Hope was is great need of the calm that only the ocean seemed to bring her. She had felt the brewing and stewing of anger all day, the ocean was the only thing that could wipe it clean.

Don't count on it this time.

Hope dismissed her negative thoughts and kept moving forward. She would pause every few rocks and take in the view, trying to grab onto her peace and calm. It wasn't working yet. Looking back at the big rock, Morro Rock, she tilted her head up to watch the many birds which made their home on the rock. Many years ago it had been declared a sanctuary for these ocean birds. No one was allowed to climb it either, although Hope couldn't imaging how that would happen, the sides were practically straight up. There didn't seem to be any foothold either. She remembered coming here every summer, sometimes each day that they were camping, climbing on these very rocks and watching the birds take off, land, eat, fight... A lump started to form in her throat. She turned back to the ocean and continued her quest forward.

Hope kept climbing, rock after rock. She tried to focus only on the step she needed to take to move her to the next rock, rather than let the memories wash over her. She tried to push down that lump in her throat, swallowing continuously. She tried, in vain, to block out her feelings that were taking over her mind, her heart, and each step she took. She had spent years trying to keep these things away, so she wouldn't have to face them and feel them. She was fighting a losing battle and she knew it.

As she made her way onto the final rock, the last barrier holding her from the cathartic rhythm of water hitting rock, she felt the barriers holding her pain within for so long finally slip away. She found herself sobbing, not realizing that the lump in her throat was her tears working their way to the surface. This was definitely the opposite effect she was going for.

And then she lost it. Not just sobbing loudly lost it, but screaming incoherently lost it.

Hope, without even trying, was finally letting it go. She poured her heart out to those waves. Every feeling she had stuffed for two years, well for eighteen years if she was really honest with herself, came tumbling out.

"I'm so sick of this!"is what came out of her mouth. But her heart was screaming to God, or the universe, or to whoever would listen, to bring her back to life, save her from the nothing she had become. She felt lost inside of her pain, forgotten by her family and even by herself. Who was she anymore?

"Please see me" she choked out. Running through her mind was the list, that damned list of family disappointments. But then her negative thoughts turned inward. Too shy, too quiet, too closed off, too worried, too afraid. Hope shouted and screamed through her tears, "ahhh" She didn't know if anyone was near enough to hear her, nor did she care. She had no thoughts other than to take this horrible emptiness away.

Her sobs slowly ebbed, however her tears continued to fall. Her breathing started, slowly, returning to normal. She was shaking from the crying, and feeling wiped out. She glanced around, now conscious that people may have witnessed her melt down, but was relieved that she didn't see anyone close by.

After a while, Hope had no idea how long, she got up (without knowing when it was that she had sunk to her knees) and wiped her face with her sleeve. Then she took a deep breath and walked back to her car. She wasn't sure if she felt better or worse, but she did feel different. Her emptiness was still there, but rather than feeling empty from her unfulfilled expectations, she felt an emotional emptiness. Numb, that's what she would call it.

Told ya it was just a matter of time...

Whatever.

When she got back to her tent at the campground, after waving at Diane and checking in with her mom (another minute long conversation), she crawled inside and lay down on her sleeping bag. She lay there, almost in a trance. Until one thought came to her, "bonfire".

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Author's note

Did you see that coming? Hope is finally facing things, whether she wanted to or not. This is a point of change for her, she will finally start seeing herself and others with clear eyes. The best is yet to come... ;-)

Notes on chapter title - bring me to life

Okay this song is angry. When I first heard it in association with this story, I imagined that it is what Hope would have been screaming out to that ocean. So the whole song is really her cry to be seen and literally brought back from "the nothing I've become" I told you I had eclectic taste, right?

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]