Dear X (You Don't Own Me) - disciple

Hope sat for some time on the beach, waiting. She wasn't exactly sure what she was waiting for, but she knew that she had no control over the situation with Ethan so she figured sitting on the beach for a while wouldn't hurt. She was utterly frustrated that here was yet another situation in her life, a bad situation, that she had no ability to control. The time Ethan needed to process and understand whatever was going on was not up to her.

At first, Hope was able to think clearly about all that had happened. Will had died, at least a year ago. Hope had some type of visitation, or something, with him over the last week. It had some bigger purpose, as that inner voice had explained, to encourage her. Ethan had been in disbelief when she told him that Will had been talking to her. She couldn't imagine what would make him suddenly understand after his strong reaction earlier.

As the memory of Ethan quietly telling her that she should go washed over her, she felt her heart drop into her stomach. That uneasy feeling that was filled with worry. It was making her so anxious to have to wait to see what would happen. What if he stayed angry for months? Would she have to leave without talking to him about it? How would they ever figure it out long distance. Hope's head started to throb and her breathing sped up. She knew this feeling. This was the old Hope coming back out.

No, I can't go back to how I used to be! Hope didn't want to let fear paralyze her again but she felt it starting to take over. She needed to get away from north beach. She couldn't just sit here alone anymore, she needed to talk to someone. She needed some reassurance, someone to hear what had happened. The only person she thought that might possibly understand without thinking she was crazy was Diane.

So Hope practically ran to her car. For some reason, the cloud cover was making her feel claustrophobic. She usually liked the Morro Bay weather, but now the gloomy clouds were too closely matched to her mood. She wanted to get away from it, somehow. She jumped into her car as soon as she got to it, started it up and drove straight to the campground. When she had left there, hours before, she had been flying on the highest of highs. Now, however, she was as low as she could be. It seemed like a lifetime ago that she had been so happy.

She pulled her car into the campground and Hope realized immediately that Diane was not there. Her car, which was almost always parked in front of her 5th wheel home, was gone. It was Sunday, Diane's day off, so she must be off on her own. Hope's disappointment was intense, she had really been counting on Diane's ear and desperately needed one of her seriously great hugs.

With her worries taking over her thoughts, Hope parked and went into the little trailer alone. She sat on the couch, then laid down, and let her sadness consume her. She could barely stand to be in her own skin. This whole waiting around for Ethan to understand was torture. Then Hope decided something truly unusual for her: she was going to call her mom. This would never have happened before this trip. Her mom was not someone she would go to about her problems. But after the last week, and the great conversations they had, she knew she could open up to her mom about this.

Hope pulled her phone out of her pocket and hit her mom's contact. Although her mom did work a lot on weekends, which was all part of working for an interior designer, Hope figured it was late enough in the day for her mom to be available. After a couple of rings, she heard her mom's voice.

"Hey, honey, glad you called. How has your day been?"

And then the flood gates opened up.

"Mmmmoooommm!" Hope wailed. She couldn't help it. Trying all afternoon to be strong had seriously taken all the energy she had, and at that point she was just done.

"What's wrong? Are you hurt?" Her mom sounded panicked.

"No, I'm not hurt. Well, I am, but not physically. I don't know what to do." Hope sobbed into the phone.

"Okay, Hope, I think you need to start from the beginning. I don't understand what's going on."

Hope took a deep breath. She hadn't talked about Ethan to her mom yet, because she hadn't wanted to freak herself out by saying anything out loud. But now it seemed she didn't have a choice. Plus, she really needed to get everything off her chest.

"Well, do you remember Ethan, Diane's son? He told me about a bonfire a couple years ago?"

"Yes, I remember. Did he do something?" Now her mom sounded worried.

"No, not really. Well, he came to visit Diane and we got to talking. Then he came back the next night and we went on a drive. I think, well I thought, he liked me. I mean, he did like me, for all these years, but he was too shy to talk to me and he knew I was too shy to really talk to him."

"Wait, but he asked you to go to that bonfire. So he did talk to you before, right?"

"Yeah, but I left right away. I was so uncomfortable and I didn't realize he was interested. I didn't even know I was interested, really, until I came back here and found out he had moved to SLO. But we got to talking and kind of hit it off. So he asked me to come out to SLO to hang out with him for the day."

"So you've been there today with him?"

"Yes, until a while ago. We kinda had a fight, I guess. Well, more like a misunderstanding. And I don't know what to do."

"Okay, so what was the misunderstanding about? I mean you've only been talking for a few days, what could you possibly have to fight about."

"Well, that's the weird part. And I hope you don't think I'm crazy. So please just listen and keep an open mind because something really unusual is going on. I don't even really understand it." Hope was getting really nervous about telling her mom about the whole Will thing.

"Okay, just tell me. I won't think you're crazy"

You say that now, but just wait... "So earlier this week I met this guy named Will. He told me he had been a friend of Ethan's for a long time. We just talked a lot and he told me a little about how Ethan had liked me. Then we just spent time each morning talking about whatever. He really helped me come out of my shell. I don't know if I would have been able to even talk so much with Ethan if it hadn't been for Will."

"So, was Ethan jealous? Is that what the misunderstanding was about?"

"Not exactly. That's what I thought at first. I had decided to talk to Ethan about Will because I thought they had let their friendship go. They both seemed like they missed the other one, so I mentioned that I had been talking to Will this week." Hope swallowed her nerves and decided to just say it. "And then Ethan told me that Will had died last year."

Her mom was silent for a while. Then all she said, flatly, was, "what?"

"I know, right. Sounds crazy. I swear I talked to this guy all week. And I saw a picture of him, same guy. He told me stuff about Ethan that Ethan also told me, later on. Like the exact same stuff about liking me and waiting for me each summer. It's totally the same Will. But Ethan thought I was making some sick joke, he got really upset and told me I should go. So I drove back here to the beach where I always saw Will, but of course, no Will."

"So, you're telling me you've been talking to a dead guy." Her mom might think she was crazy after all.

"I think so. And you sound like you either don't believe me, or you think I'm crazy."

"Well, honey, I know you're not crazy. In fact you one of the most sane people I know. I also know, other than this trip, you have never lied to me, you just don't lie. That's something I always counted on. And because I truly understand why you lied about this trip, I know it was out of the ordinary. So the only other choice I have is to believe you."

Hope felt so relieved that her mom believed her. She hadn't realized how worried she was about it until right then. "So what should I do? I got a sense earlier that there was a purpose to all of this. For me to be more open to other people, but I also think it has something to do with Ethan. I mean it was his friend that came to me, not some random person or angel or whatever. That has to be important somehow."

"That sounds possible. And if there was a purpose for it, then I'm sure that it will work out. That Ethan will understand or believe you eventually."

"Eventually is the problem. I hate this waiting. It's making me feel the way I used to feel, before I was able to open up. I'm scared I'll go backwards and be that way again."

"I don't think you should worry about that. After all, you called to talk to me about it. The old you wouldn't have done that. What you need to do is keep yourself occupied, busy with something to take your mind off of it. Or do whatever it was you did in order to be more open. Didn't you say something about reflecting by the water and your little rocks? Maybe you should do something like that again."

"You're right mom, I need the water. I was at north beach for a while but it was too much a reminder of Will. I need happier water. Thanks mom, for being there for me and for listening. I can't believe you don't think I'm crazy, but I love you for it."

"I love you too, Hope. As mad as I was before, I really am glad you took this trip. I think it's helping more people than you know."

"You know, I think you're right. Bye mom, I'll call you in the morning."

"Okay, talk to you then."

Hope got off the phone with her mom and had a renewed sense of peace. Just talking it out was helpful. But the fact that her mom listened without judgement, and believed her, was miraculous all on its own. That boosted Hope's spirit and gave her the energy she needed to move forward.

She decided to change into warmer clothes before going out to her ocean sanctuary. It had been a warm, sunny day in SLO so she was still dressed in shorts and a t-shirt. She pulled her hair into a messy bun and grabbed her phone, a beach towel, and keys and headed out the door. She had decided to return to the "scene of the crime" where she first talked with Ethan, the bonfire beach. She didn't think there would be a bonfire there but it was only a 5 minute walk away. She really didn't want to drive anymore, she'd had enough of that for the day.

As she got to the clearing at the end of the beach path, she stepped out and saw the spot where the bonfire would have been, and it was empty of wood and people. It's what she figured so she wasn't disappointed. She went over to that area and put her beach towel down, then sat cross-legged on it. She pulled the little black velvet bag out of her hoodie pocket and opened it to pour the stones on the towel. She felt a pang in her gut when she had touched the bag, remembering when Ethan had given it to her that morning. It will all be okay she told herself and continued to look over her stones.

She found the one from today, Seen, and put it aside. She quickly found the one from their drive, Comfortable, and placed it next to seen. Then she picked up the other rocks and played with them for a while. These rocks were different. They were the first ones, the rocks that she saw in herself without anyone else's input or intervention. These rocks gave her hope because they represented her, the ones she saw in herself. No matter what anyone else thought, those words would always be true.

Hope looked up to the water and just let the rolling waves calm her down. She took deep breaths and decided she would be okay, no matter what happened. She picked up her original stones and put them in her palm. Then she added her two newest stones back into her collection. She wasn't ready to put them back quite yet.

As she sat there, holding her stones, looking out to the ocean, she heard footsteps approaching. Then she heard a familiar voice calling to her, "Hope" and she caught her breath as she turned to see who was waiting for her.

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Authors notes

Where you expecting that? And who's calling her name? Will? Ethan? Maybe Diane found her... Guess you'll find out soon. But seriously, Hope is working on not falling back into old patterns when things get difficult. Anyone going through a time of growth has those moments. And although you may be really mad at Ethan right now, wait to pass judgement on him until you know his story.

Notes on chapter title - dear x

This is a harder sounding song. Hope is frustrated and upset. I totally get that feeling when you're so anxious you can't sit still. The song really shows how she is struggling with her negative thoughts, the "old Hope" she was worried about. So, here is the lyric video... Fair warning, it's a hard rock song.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]