Chapter 34: Someone to love

Aimlessly, I walked around the forest. I was mostly trying to find the camp again. All that splashing on my face hadn't been the best idea. My red contacts were long lost in that stupid lake. Moreover, it was still raining hard, making it hard to wander around without slipping.

I didn't care. I wished for this rain for wash me away from this world.

Life sucked.

People sucked.

And I was unable to control myself. Every thing, every thought, every memory--all was a burden to me. Sniffling, I began retracing my steps to the best of my capability. Brandon had made me promise to not hurt myself...but I had made him promise not to leave me.

If he couldn't keep his promise, then why should I?

Like the "selfish, inconsiderate, and miserable" human being I was, I picked up a thick, wet tree branch. I needed to get a way to down all the emotional pain that was inside me. The anger inside me was building. It was at its peak when I smacked myself on the arm with the stick. My eyes closed immediately.

It hurt. Maybe. I couldn't tell. But the physical pain was only temporary. Temporary relief from the emotional unstability. I struck myself three more times on the same arm. When I went to hit myself for the fourth time, I was stopped.

"What exactly do you think you're doing?" I opened my eyes to find Julian standing beside me. He held my half raised arm ready to strike. Slowly, he moved to stand directly in front of me. Anger and rage dominated his facial features. In the dark, with terrible eyesight, I saw Julian with the most grave look I had ever seen.

"Let me go!" I cried. Tears were long gone, but now, it was the anger again.

"Why? So, you could hit yourself again?!" he nearly shouted at me. His grip on my arm tightened, not ready to let go anytime soon.

"What's your problem, Julian?" I demanded. "Why can't you leave me alone? I am not dying here!"

"No, you are not, but you seem to be on the way!"

"My life is my problem, Aylmer. Just leave me," I said coldly.

"Damn it, Cassie!" he let go off my arm, forcefully. "Are you mad?!"

"I know what I am doing!"

Julian still had a serious expression, but now he seemed to have calmed down. "Cassie, you're being reckless. I cannot believe that you are bloody inflicting pain to yourself!" Okay, I was wrong about him calming down. His anger was still there, but he was trying hard not to show it.

"I'm not being reckless, Julian," I said quietly. The foreigner looked between the branch and I. His look of disbelief and disappointment was extremely disheartening. It was depressing how everyone only saw my faults. Did I even have anything not faulty? Maybe everyone had the right to hate me...

Before I could control myself, I broke down. The branch dropped out of my grasp, and I collapsed to the ground. The worst of myself came out as I cried my heart out without caring about anything.

What had happened today was nothing. Nothing I shouldn't be used to. Except for the words I had been told. Lucas was right indeed about saying who I was. Julian--all he cared about was the stupid deal. Piper and the rest of the girls--they couldn't care less about anything but themselves.

And here I sat. On the cold, wet ground under the pouring rain, crying for everything wrong that had happened to me. No one has ever been there. Just to simply sit and ask me what was wrong. Or just sit and console me that everything was going to be okay. Brandon had done it on plenty of occasions, but after he left, there was no one.

"I--I wasn't (cough) tr--trying to be reckless," I sobbed out. Julian was crouching down next to me, patting my shoulder.

"Cassie, I know," he whispered.

"I hate life," I said and my voice broke. I burst out in tears all over again. My eyes and cheeks burned from the hot tears. I tried my best to wipe them away, but it wasn't that difficult. The rain was really helpful.

"Shh," he said sitting down and putting an arm around me. "I know."

"I want to die, Julian. I want to die!" I cried.

He held me tightly and said, "No. Don't say that again ever."

"I deserve to die, Julian! Do you have any idea how much I wish for death?" I said bitterly.

Julian seemed to hesitate before he asked, "Are you...how long--I mean how long have you been-"

"I'm not suicidal," I cut him off. "I was suicidal at one point in my life, but Brandon helped me get through. What you saw...I won't deny that I have hurt myself intentionally before."

"But why hurt yourself at all?"

Jenna's face and my six year old self popped up in my mind. I was lost in my thoughts, now. "The bullying had scarred me, Julian. It took me a long while to get over it. I had watched some girl cut herself. Although I was too afraid to cut myself, I began hitting myself. Brandon helped me be more sane. He made the both of us read books, articles, magazines, and everything for why I should live rather than die."

He whispered, "You're smart, Cassie, and even you know that. Hurting yourself intentionally does nothing at all. You've a lot to live for! You can be happy, Cassie! Just have to-"

I sniffled in his hold. "Three things, Julian. Guy named Alexander Chalmers said that there were three things that are behind happiness. Something to live for, something to hope for, and someone to..." I trailed off.

"Someone to what?" I heard the confusion in his voice.

"Someone to love."

"Did you just-"

"Oh shut it. Love, love, love," I said bitterly as I pulled away from him. Julian just stared at my craziness. "Words only have the power we give them. Love is a damn pain that people think exist. You know what's left in this world? Hate!"

"Cassie," he began, shaking his head, "Don't say that. You, darling, have been deprived of love. That is the problem."

I rolled my eyes and gave him a look. "No. That is not the problem. The problem is the second thing out of the three things by..."

"What?"

"Something to hope for," I said. "I have long gotten over the other two things. But you know, like the idiot--no wait, like the "selfish, inconsiderate, and miserable human being" I am, I hoped. Julian, I hoped for better! This is the best its getting."

Julian was quiet for a long time. There was something in his blue eyes as he looked at me. I couldn't tell what he was thinking or taking in. He most probably thought I was mentally unstable and crazy...which was true to a degree.

"What did you hope for, Cassie? What is better?" he finally asked.

"Huh?"

"You claimed to have hoped for better. What is considered 'better?'" he elaborated. "Were you expecting everyone to be more considerate to you? Were you expecting Brandon to come back and have everything be the same again? Or were you expecting Lucas to return your feelings?"

I looked at him with a grave look. "My feelings towards Lucas Crowell are of hate. Nothing but pure hate!"

"You skipped the first part of my question," he stated.

I gave him a glare and replied, "Maybe that's all I was expecting! Everything to be the same as it had been in middle school!"

"And Lucas?"

"Why can't you just drop it?" I asked him. It pained me to think about Lucas.

"I only want to understand things better. The hatred must have its reasons," he shrugged. He was so calm and relaxed, waiting for my angry responses. Oh well.

"You wanna know the reason?" He nodded, but a little cautiously. "Then listen." Julian gave me a surprised look. He was just another page in my life. As a matter of fact, he was a foreign exchange student who was going to be out my life after the end of the school year. "Brandon and his family moved to this town about ten or so years ago. Like I told you before, Brandon and I ended up becoming best friends. Then, there was his brother, Lucas--cute, caring, sweet, athletic, and well, almost what you can call 'Prince Charming' for a little girl."

"Are you sure you're talking about our Lucas? The one who you argued with earlier?" Julian asked for clarification.

I slowly cracked a smile. "Unfortunately, yes. He has changed a lot more, now. But back then, he was a lot like Brandon, but more athletic. Brandon was more of the artsy types. Anyways, like the idiotic, fairytale-obsessed little kid I was, I developed a crush on Lucas. It lasted for four years--give or take a couple of days."

"Four years?" Julian asked without hiding his surprise.

"Yes." I wasn't really embarrassed about this. People made mistakes. The whole point was to learn from them. "But the crushing stopped when...he crushed me."

"Crushed you?"

"In eighth grade, we had a Williamsburg trip. Three days in the colonial parts of Virginia. It was supposed to be fun, and a change of scenery," I said with a small shrug. "On the second night there, all of us students were to relax in nature...behind the hotel. Everyone sat in the grass with an ice cream cone in hand. Lucas sat with his group of friends. Brandon knew about my crush and brought me to hang out with the group."

"Oh is that why he was talking strange in the cemetery?" Julian said, looking like a flashbulb had gone off in his head.

I rolled my eyes and nodded. "Exactly it. He was surprised by the fact that I had said no to being with Lucas. My crush had been pretty damn serious. Brandon always tried to help me set up with his brother. Anyways, I sat with Lucas's group pretty awkwardly. The guys mostly hung together--same for the girls."

"Did the group of girls include Jenna?" he asked carefully.

"Yes," I said with a solemn look. "She made a lot of fun of me. But nothing too bad--I mean, I was used to it. Brandon did stop her when he saw. Then, he went to throw away or get something. He told me to wait there for him. And that's when Lucas Crowell was asked what he thought about the girls in our grade."

"Cassie-"

"Let me finish, Julian!" I snapped. "Of course, I only remember what he had said about me. I don't think he knew I was even there. So, Jenna asks Lucas about his opinion on me, and whether he would even date an Evans."

"I think I have an idea of where you're getting. You needn't continue if you don't want to," Julian said quickly.

I ignored his statement. My mind went to the thirteen year old me standing a couple of feet away from Lucas. He was smiling and having fun. A bright smile was on his lips that lit up his entire face.

"Julian, he said that Cassandra Evans would be the last girl he would even consider have a single date with," I said and let out a humorless laugh. "The very last one. He wouldn't even be caught in her company. She was the most 'awkward, miserable, and rejected' person in the school. No guy should even think about dating her. It was her luck that his brother had taken pity on her and kept hanging out with an Evans. Otherwise, no one should even bother with that 'ugly girl.'"

"He did not say those things, did he?" I could tell he didn't want to believe my words.

"Why do you think I behave the way I do towards him? I'm just another human being, Julian. One who got crushed by her crush," I replied. I pitied myself. How pathetic could I get? "Lucas could have simply told me that he and I had no chance, but he didn't. I swear I would have never even looked in his direction again if he had told me his feelings earlier. He just made things...awful for me. You have absolutely no idea how many of the girls who heard his answer held it over me."

"Cassie, I'm sorry," Julian said softly, running a hand through his wet hair. The rain was barely a drizzle, now, but it didn't matter. I couldn't care less about Mother Nature.

"Sorry? Why are you sorry? Heck, you haven't even been here long."

"I am sorry for what happened. I didn't know Lucas-"

"Don't. Just drop it. Now, you know. I expect you to never tell me again to give Lucas Crowell a goddamn chance!" I said rather harshly.

"And you're back to being yourself," he said simply staring at me.

"What?" I asked confused.

"I can feel your cold demeanor returning," he shrugged. "Not the vulnerable girl I saw about five minutes ago."

I rubbed my temple and met his gaze. "Being vulnerable isn't something I exactly like, Julian. My 'cold demeanor' is my personality. It's not a mask I hide underneath in." I put my knees and wrapped my arms around them.

"I can't disagree, but Cassie, once in a while, it's all right to let yourself open up a little," he said. "It will really help you get things off your chest. An easier way of relieving yourself than..." He didn't dare finish but nodded towards the branch I had helf earlier.

I examined at the arm I had been inflicting pain on. "It's not that bad," I told him, holding the arm out for him to see for himself.

He didn't even look at the red lines on my arm. "You are definitely not funny," Julian said with a serious look. I pulled my arm back and glared at the foreigner. "I don't want you to do that again. In your entire lifetime that is."

I rolled my eyes. "Sure," I replied sarcastically.

"Is it really that difficult to talk to someone about your troubles?"

"Yes," I said immediately. "Name one person I can go to and tell everything."

He looked at me and smiled. "I'm always here, Cassie."

Giving him a flat look, I said, "You are an exchange student, Aylmer. You'll be gone by the end of the school year."

His smile faltered and realization dawned on his face. He ran a hand through his wet hair before turning back to me. "I suppose your friend Piper could-"

"Piper has been with me for the past three and a half years," I said interrupting him. "She doesn't know anything about stuff that happened before high school. She only has a vague idea about Brandon."

"Cate," he offered. I gave him a look. "Your grandmother?"

"Gramma is not always the most understanding," I shrugged. "Plus, she is like sixty something. She is more concerned about going on vacations than her teenage granddaughter."

"Well, you still see Brandon every Sunday," he offered a smile.

I sighed. "I don't know for how long. He has a whole new life, now, Julian. Plus, next year is college for everyone. I won't see him."

"In that case, I will be your last resort," he said showing his dimples. "After my departure, if you ever need someone to talk to, call me. I don't care if it's the middle of the night in Spain."

"Of course. I'm sure your family members or anyone else for that matter would mind," I said flatly.

"My family is actually quite considerate. They'll understand. Anyone else?" he asked raising his eyebrows. "I have a dog back in Spain. I doubt Antonio would mind."

"You own a dog?" I asked disgusted. Those things were disgusting.

"I am not getting into this. I have a feeling you'll insult my precious canine. Don't say a single word," he warned.

I shrugged. "Suit yourself...and Antonio."

"Thanks," he said with a tight smile. "So, my whole point was that you can call me at anytime."

"Uh huh. Even when you're like forty with like ten kids and a wife?" I asked.

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Why would I have ten children? Are you trying to imply something?"

"Whoa there. I was only exaggerating," I said quickly before his mind could anywhere else.

He smirked. "Of course. And the answer to your question is yes. You can call me even when I am forty with ten children and one wife."

"Okay." He and I both knew that I wouldn't be calling. "I just hope I have an early death," I blurted out. I had no idea why I even thought or said that.

"What?" Julian said looking alarmed.

"It would make everything easier," I said quickly and let out a small sneeze.

"Bless you, and are you sure you're not suicidal?"

"I am not going to kill myself!" I snapped. "An accident or something, maybe. You know, like the car accident both of us got into?" He slowly nodded. "Yeah, like that. If I had just died, then everything would be so much less annoying."

"Cassie, I've-"

"I know I know," I interrupted. "I shouldn't be thinking about that, but it's just a thought."

"I-"

"We'll just drop it," I said. I knew Julian didn't want me to mention this stuff. It probably sounded insane. Wait, it was a insane.

"All right," I heard him sigh loudly.

》》》Julian's POV《《《

If only this girl knew about the accident and the original driver. She had absolutely no idea what she was referring to. If the car accident had killed her, then things would have been awfully wrong.

Both of us sat in the small drizzle of the rain, thinking about well, I have no idea. Cassie seemed to be extremely keen on having an early death. This girl... She didn't deserve to go through everything she told me. Never would have I ever taken her to be a suicidal person...even if she claimed to not be one.

"Julian?" she whispered after a while.

I looked up at her and said, "yes?"

"I didn't, originally, plan on the revenge including all the guys," she said looking at the ground.

My mind went back to what happened earlier tonight inside the tent. For once, even I had believed that it was Mother Nature. I looked at my pajamas which had red stains.

"'Originally?'" I raised an eyebrow at her.

"Yeah," she said keeping her gaze at the ground. "At first, it was just gonna be Lucas, but then I was like why not all the guys, right?"

I tried my best not to be bothered. "It's your luck that I choose not to get angry by your little 'revenge.'"

"Gee, thanks. How nice of you," she said sarcastically.

I gave her a small smile. "I could have been mad, and left you alone tonight." It certainly would have beat staying out in the pouring rain for two or so hours.

Cassie seemed to have a similar realization. Hesitantly, she looked up at me and said, "Thanks, Julian."

Her expression was neutral, but I could tell she wasn't feeling well. Even though I've seen her vulnerable, it's still strange to say that Cassie is just another human being. Sure, she has her faults, her attitude, her coldness, but she is still a girl who has been trying to stay strong for herself.

"Don't mention it," I grinned at her.

"Good. I didn't want to anyway," she said standing up. I just stared at her in surprise. "Let's go back. I am freezing cold, and mostly blind."

"Blind?" I followed her lead.

"Yes. I don't my contacts in. Now, it would be great if we could go back. I felt something slither by me," she said in a low tone.

Something slither? No need to take risks. I gave her a small nod and looked around until I spotted the tall tents.

"Come on," I said heading off in the direction of the tents.

"As if I have another choice,"

"I could leave you here with the thing that slithered by you."

"Point noted." She said no more and followed behind.

"Brilliant. Glad we're on the same page."

"Jolly good."

I walked in front of her with a smile. Even though she had said it sarcastically, I could feel her old self returning.

The one who I was seriously going to be more carefully about.

Cassie might deny her feelings for Lucas, but I saw the pain on her face.

My luck that the girl I had begun fancying had feelings for my own cousin.

Bloody brilliant.

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Author's Note

Ooh whatya think?

First things first, let me know your teams. So many confused ships. So many people on Lucas's team spoke up haha. I just wanna know the statistics.

Thank you for always support me and my work! I am forever grateful!

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