Maybe it was partly my anger that made me storm out of there. 

But mostly, it was a chasmic sadness that seemed to engulf me. 

The moment I returned to my home however, guilt bubbled in my stomach. Zeph was under a lot of stress. All of them were. Maybe I was being too harsh on him. I couldn't really force him to tell me things he didn't want to. Or maybe this too was his way of protecting me in the first place. 

And about what he had said...he didn't really mean it. Did he? 

I sighed and lay down on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. 

Would it be so bad if I told my dad the truth? About the Hawks? If the Lightwielders truly meant their promise, that would mean that they would be accepted. And all of the underbelly would be accepted.

But what if Zeph was right?

I shuddered at the thought and turned to face the wall, a million thoughts racing breathlessly through my head. It took me a while to hear a knock on my door and I sat up straight, my stomach turning nervously. "Who is it?"

"It's me," Kai's voice called. "May I?"

I sighed. Facing Kai again, I wasn't sure I had the mental fortitude. I rose to my feet and walked over to the door, opening it slowly. 

"Hey," he said and I did a double take at  his appearance. His face was emaciated, his skin ghostly pale, his hair haywire. Dark bruise like circles embedded under his eyes. He looked haunting without his usual gleam. Like he hadn't slept, or eaten for days.

"Kai," I spoke. "What...what happened?"

He shook his head, looking around nervously, his lower lip trembling. "Can I come in? Please?" 

Despite my better judgement, I took a step back and let him in.  He staggered over to my bed and sat on the floor in front of it, shaking his head and rubbing his temple. 

"Kai...are you...? What is happening to you?" I said, shutting the door behind me. 

"I'm just..." he sighed and breathed deeply, "-exhausted. From the training. And...and...I went to the sanctum for a couple of days." 

My heart dropped. "What did you do to get sent there?"

He gulped, hugging himself. "I...I tried to sneak out."

"Why?" I crouched in front of him, my heart breaking at his state and the contrast between the Kai I had first met. Hatred for the Academy rekindling in my heart. 

He mumbled something, but I had no way to know what. 

"Kai? I can't hear you," I placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. 

"I wanted to see you," he said finally. "I..."

He trailed off as I gaped at him wordlessly. "You sneaked out because you wanted to...see me?"

"I couldn't help it...I...I couldn't sleep or eat anyway. I just..."

My blood ran cold at his words. His 'crush' was taking a dangerous dip towards an obsession. 

"Kai, that is not healthy," I shook my head. "You're getting obsessed." 

He sighed and rubbed his face. "I know it's not...I just...I don't know what to do. I've never been in love before." 

My stomach turned, the floor below me suddenly unsteady. "Wh...what?

"S...sorry," he stuttered, his face suddenly regaining all its colour. "I m-mean-" he gulped, "I'm sorry."

I sighed and sat beside me, lost for words. Suddenly very aware of my limbs and my hands awkwardly clasped together. "You don't have to...say sorry," I said finally. "I think you're sweet. For the most part," I added. "But er...I don't really feel that way about you." 

"I know that. I know you're way out of my league anyway, but-" he spoke, his voice muffled before he finally lowered his hands and looked at me. "I was just wondering...maybe if you would give it a chance?

I gazed at him, suddenly feeling queasy due to our physical proximity. Maybe he didn't really have any malicious plans, but I still felt uncomfortable with his insistence. 

"Kai, you need to rest. Maybe eat something?" I said. "You're not being rational." 

"I...I..." he stuttered, shaking his head again before finally nodding. "Yeah...yeah...I think you're right, yes." 

"I'll drop you back to your dorm," I said. "Come." 

I escorted him towards the front door before he finally turned to face me. "I can walk back, it's fine," he sighed deeply, biting his lip, not making any attempts to move. 

"Would you at least think about it?" he said softly. "I know I may have come off as a bit weird...but...." he gulped, "I'm mostly...fine."

"Okay," I lied. "I will. Now...go to your dorm and take some rest okay?"

He gazed at me for a few more seconds, as if judging whether I had lied. Finally, seemingly satisfied with my answer he turned to leave. He stopped again just as his hand reached the doorknob and he turned to sideways to glance at ne, "You will be coming to the carnival?"

"I'm not sure," I said, shaking my head. "When is it?"

"Next week," he said as the floor underneath me gave way. Next week? That seemed way too close. 

"Er...I'll have to check with my dad," I admitted. "Ill let you know."

He nodded and left as I let out a breath of relief. I couldn't shake off the odd aura that he suddenly seemed to have. I didn't understand. He seemed to be perfectly fine before this. What had changed?

I walked back to my bedroom, relieved by the moment of solitude. Maybe Kai would be fine after the carnival was over. It could be the stress that was making him act this way. 

I lay down on my bed and shut my eyes, taking deep breaths as a million thoughts swirled around in my head. All the conflict, the impending carnage. Wasn't there anything I could do to stop it? I had been a kid last time, but now, I had to do something. I couldn't just sit around and let this happen. Not again. 

I was so engrossed in my own mind that it took me a few second to hear a gentle rustle. I opened my eyes and sat up straight in my bed, my skin crawling as tingles of fear ran down my spine. Someone, or something, was in my room. Before I could rationalize anything, I spotted a white flash on the floor, lit up by the moonlight. I squinted my eyes to get a better look at it, sighing deeply as I realized what it was. 

"You're never gonna stop that are you?" I said. "Just appearing out of nowhere like a fucking maniac?" 

"Element of surprise, Goldie," Zeph said from somewhere behind me. I looked at the silhouette near the window which was open. Was that how he had come in? 

"You shouldn't be here," I said,  rising to my feet. "It's dangerous. If you're found-"

"And how are they going to find find me?" he said, finally stepping into the streaming moonlight. "You gonna tell them?" he raised an eyebrow. 

I clicked my tongue. "It's not funny, Zeph," I said. "Things are really volatile. You know that." 

He shrugged and walked over  to sit on my bed. "It is kinda funny." 

I crouched down to pick up the origami, opening my bedside drawer and placing it with the rest. Zeph tilted his head to the side before speaking, "You collect those?"

I felt my face heating up. "Er...just keep them."

"Aren't you cute," he smirked. 

"Aren't you uninvited?" I said, not looking at him. 

"Affirmative, to both," he said before adding in a drawl. "If you'd rather, I can leave. But...I had a feeling I ticked you off a bit." 

"It's fine," I shut the drawer and stood to face him, crossing my arms in front of my chest. "You're under a lot of stress and...there are bigger things in picture. 

"I guess," he said softly before his cocky demeanour returned and he smirked. " I just assumed-" he began, leaning back. "Since your boyfriend left, I could maybe come over."

I blinked. "I have a boyfriend?"

"Your little lightwielding creepy friend," he said. 

"Kai?" I gaped at him, bewildered. "How long have you been standing here?"

"I was outside," he admitted. "For er...a bit. I knew it wasn't ideal for me to come in but..." he shrugged. 

"You could've been seen," I said.

He scoffed. "Not in a million years." 

"Do you want to get arrested? They'll fucking kill you," I said. 

"You didn't deny that thing about-" he sneered, "-Kai."

"Oh yeah, sorry," I rolled my eyes. "We're actually married."

Much to my surprise, he didn't respond with his usual sarcasm. Instead, he glanced at the floor, his shoulders slumped. "You two would make a pretty perfect couple. Much better than..."

He sighed deeply. 

"Much better than...?" I asked. He sounded....sad. I sat beside him. 

"How are things back at the nest?" I asked. He furrowed his eyebrows but didn't say anything for a while. Finally, he shrugged. 

"Not sure. Haven't talked to them in a while," he sighed. "Things have been...pretty tense."

"Sorry," I sighed. "If there was any way I could help...I don't want to just sit. Like I did last time."  

"You're not really obligated to," he said. "You can just sleep in your cozy bed while the underbelly is bombed." 

The way he had spoken felt like someone had thrown boiling water at me, scalding my skin. He must have realized how mirthless he had sounded, as he sighed immediately. 

"It's not that...it's not what it sounds...ugh, sorry."

He lay down on the mattress, gazing up at the ceiling listlessly. "Everything is just sort of...falling apart."

"It does appear that way," I said, lying down beside him, extremely aware of his warmth.

"Aster," he spoke softly and my heart skipped a beat. It was still so rare to hear him using my name. "Do you miss your mother?"

I wasn't sure how to answer. How could I? I didn't even know who she was. I turned to face him before shaking my head slightly. "You?" 

"Sometimes, I guess," he responded, much to my surprise. "You know when she was around...I could fuck up as much as I want and I knew she would always be there for damage control. I wasn't even conscious  of the...safety I felt. And now..." his eyes darkened, "-it's like all I have are doubts. Like any second some stranger would barge in through a door and hold me and those that I love at gunpoint. All because...maybe I was too stubborn to surrender." 

"Your doubts aren't baseless here, Zeph," I said, propping myself on my elbow as I gazed at him. "You're right, there isn't much reason to trust the lightwielders." 

"My mom would love you," he said suddenly, a soft smile on his face. I did a double take. 

"Huh?"

He chuckled. "She always wanted a daughter. But no...she had two rambunctious boys. Although I was infinitely worse than Zelos," he gazed at the dark ceiling, his eyes glassy. "She had always wanted a daughter who would share the same music passion as her. My dad...wasn't really there so she craved company a lot."

"I...I don't think your mother would have found any shared music in me," I said, my mouth suddenly dry. 

"No, but you're...soft."

"Th-anks?"

Much to my surprise, his face turned red and he quickly looked away from me, biting his lip. "Er...it's not...I'm not sure how to describe it."

"I think I understand," I lied. "Maybe not."

A slight smile pulled the corner of his lips. "You're one of them though, aren't you? It's...really difficult for me to believe."

I glanced at him, my heart hammering. Maybe he would feel better if I told him the truth. If nothing, it would help take his mind off stuff. And maybe, maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be vulnerable with him. 

"Not really," I said finally. "My dad...Arden, he may have adopted me."

His eyes widened. "What?" 

"Well...I'm not sure. It's not something I've asked him before. But...that day when I went for the Rise of Light dance thing, I overheard him talking to Arthur. Talking about how...how I would've done much better in some other family. Or...or that I was subjected to some ridicule?" 

"Why would he adopt you though?" Zeph asked, his eyebrows furrowed. 

I shrugged "He said that's what Elaine would have wanted. Elaine was my m-" I stuttered to a stop, "-his wife." 

"You don't remember her at all?" he asked softly. 

"She used to be very sick right after I was born...and with me being sparkless...everyone said it was some sort of a curse." 

"That's sweet of them," Zeph said, gritting his teeth. 

I sighed. "I mean...it's fine really. Maybe I'm just desensitized but I don't think much of it anymore." 

"You're not curious to find out who your parents are?" he asked. 

"I doubt I ever will," I admitted. "I mean...of course my dad knows. And by the sound of it, Arthur does too." 

"I gotta say....I'm not all that surprised," he said. "It was weird to me that, the ugly ass sadist motherfucker was your father."

"Shut up, Zeph," I said as he grinned. "I'm not really in  a position to joke about it yet."

"Sorry," Zeph said.  "I think I should feel awful. I'm just dead inside so I don't feel shit."

I scoffed. "You wish."

"I really do," he said, a strange twinkle in the chaotic pits of darkness that were his eyes. "It would make a lot of things so easy." 

"But it would also make a lot of things much harder," I said and much to my surprise, he burst out laughing. I blinked at him. "Have you completely lost it?" 

"No, I was just thinking about how last time that we kissed, it did indeed make things....harder."

I scowled, my face warm but refrained from saying anything. 

"Sometimes I do wish that...I wouldn't feel what I do feel. But then...sometimes..." his cheeks turned pink as he continued. "I like the...warm feeling when I'm with you." 

"Warm feeling," I repeated like an idiot. "I mean...I like being with you too." 

He placed his hand against my cheek and I leaned into his touch. "And?"

"And...what?" I asked, my brain close to running into a hyperdrive. 

"How do you feel about me?" he asked, his eyes searching mine. 

"Like you can't tell?" I said, my heart fluttering when he gently pushed me  onto the mattress, hovering over me. 

"Maybe I'd like to hear it," he said softly, leaning in to whisper in my ear as shivers ran down my body. 

"I need to ask you something," I said, blurting out what had been running through my head for a while now. 

He sighed softly, clearly not looking forward to my questions. Did he already know what I was going to ask him?

"You actually do go...there?" I asked, "The brothel I mean."

"Occasionally, yeah," he said. "Does it bother you?"

"It shouldn't really," I said. "I'm not really anyone to you." 

He recoiled, blinking rapidly. "Is that what you think?"

"Isn't that what it is?" I said, unsure of where my resentfulness was coming from. "I feel like...I don't even know you. Sometimes." 

He rolled away and lay on his back, beside me. "Sometimes I feel like I don't even know myself."

"I thought we all feel that way sometimes," I said. 

"I guess...this is the reason I didn't tell you," he said. "You would judge me. They all do. Always have. I told you...I've done things I'm not proud of. So much so that now...that's all that feels normal to me."

"I..I know that. And-" I sighed. "Maybe it'll just take some getting used to. It's just..."

"Just what?" he prompted, moving closer till our arms touched.  

"Zia didn't know about the brothel and you've been with her for ten years," I said. "Honesty...is not really your strong suite. Whatever your reasons may be."

"Because you'll hate me if you knew the truth," he said softly. 

"I could never hate you," I said immediately. 

He chuckled drily. "You don't know that."

"And you do?" I asked, anger flaring up inside me at his condescending words. 

"I do know," he said. "I did know. I told you about the brothel and you're judging me. I mean...of course you are. Hell, I judge myself. Zia deserves better. Always has. I can't even imagine..."

"I judged you, yeah," I said. "But it doesn't mean that I don't lo-"

I bit my tongue, my heart racing. How fucking stupid was I to blurt it out like that? He had just gotten out of a long term relationship. No way he would be ready for anything more so soon. 

"You don't what?" he prompted, and although I had expected him to tease me, his voice was low, no hint of his usual cockiness. 

"You shouldn't even be here," I said quickly, my cheeks blazing. "It's not safe. You gotta leave."

Before I could make any attempt to leave, he climbed on top of me, gazing down with an intoxicating darkness in his irises. 

"You don't what?" he repeated, in almost a whisper. 

I didn't answer. I couldn't. What if I told him my feelings and then got shot down? 

"Aster..." he whispered, leaning in to kiss my cheek, my temple, the tip of my nose. "Tell me?" 

"I...I think you know," I replied, struggling to keep my voice even. 

"I know what?" he whispered, his hot breath on my skin sending tingles of pleasure down my back. 

"I'm a Lightwielder, remember?" I said. "You hate me."

"Is that what you think?" he asked softly. 

"Is that what you want me to think?" I retorted.

"By that logic," he said, leaning over to rest his forehead on mine. My eyelids fluttered close as he spoke, his hot breath on my lips. "You hate me too. I'm a Shadowcaster."

 I took a shuddering breath as he leaned back to gaze at me. Every inch of me wanted to tell him. What if he didn't feel the same way? At least he would know how I felt. Even if I wasn't so sure about anything, this was one thing I was sure about. Who knew when would be the next time that I'd ever have him so close to me? I didn't want to miss my chance. I gazed at him, going over the words again and again in my head, trying to read his unfathomable eyes. And finally, I spoke, "I...I've fallen in love with you."

Time stopped as the words slipped from my tongue and I held my breath. I couldn't look at him, and at the same time I couldn't look away from him. From his enigmatic dark eyes, to the curve of his lips, even his messy hair falling in elegant waves onto his forehead. 

He was quiet, unnaturally so. The only sound that of our uneven breaths.  I waited for him to say something. Anything. It was getting more and more difficult by the second to stay in his vicinity, the air suddenly solid, hard to breathe. 

Finally, he leaned forward, his mouth finding mine with blazing desire. His tongue tracing my  bottom lip passionately as the room around me seemed to burn. His mouth trailed down my neck, his lips warm, eager as they pressed hungrily against my skin. And in that blissful moment, the world burst into cinders. 

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Sorry about the skipped update last week! Work was super hectic and although I had a chapter drafted, I hated it and had to edit it a lot. I also debated a lot on whether or not a confession should come in. And I'm super curious to know as to what you guys think about it?

Sorry again and thank you for everything. 

ps for those of u who saw the note pls ignore it im so fking embarassed wtf i do write notes like that so i dont forget kill me pls ty