With every audition I was forced to watch, the feeling of being a useless fraud who had no idea what he was doing intensified.

First, the competitors had to learn a routine, corresponding to the role they wanted to try for. They did the choreography on skates in front of Jana, of the lady from the Canadian school, and myself. As if I was in any shape to judge anyone's skill. Then, they had time to come up with a simple routine of their own, with whichever resources they had. In case they couldn't, the instructors were allowed to give pointers on what elements to include. What mattered was that they had some dancing skills, besides skating, and that they could perform some of the elements required of them.

A couple years ago, the idea of taking part in such a recital would have bored me. Now, it terrified me.

They asked that the students trying out for the main parts had at least the skills corresponding to the second level.

At first, it wasn't so hard. I was impressed with Gabriela Garzia's test. She had grown up so much since I had last saw her! Granted, I didn't see her that much. But I remembered how protective Heitor was of his baby sister, what with her having Down Syndrome and all. How proud he was of her accomplishments. The way he helped me in my Physical Therapy sessions mirrored what he saw his mom do at home. If Gabi was trying out for the recital now, she must be at least on level 2, so I figured she must have started skating around the time I stopped. Heitor must be feeling so proud! I felt a pang in my stomach when I thought of my ex-best friend and his family.

Gabi had a lot of confidence, and sass, waving at everyone and smiling. She owned the whole gym, from the moment she stood up from the cold floor where she had been sitting. For a moment there, I was afraid that she would pick out "Let it go" every little girl's favorite song, at least in Antares, and every skating instructor's nightmare. Luckily, as soon as she took her first steps, I could make out the notes to "Shake it off". It wasn't my favorite kind of music, at all. I was only glad I hadn't heard that song a gazillion times before. Besides, the tune has to work for the skater as well, and that it did. Gabi was dancing to it with such ease and joy that it was impossible not to get on board.

When it came time for the technical part, she also beat her competitors, doing her spins perfectly, making it clear she was a shoo-in for the role of the sugar plum fairy. If anyone had any doubts that she deserved the part, they would have vanished by now.

After the try-outs for Sugar Plum Fairy, the Clara hopefuls skated to the corner of the court.

"Since this role tends to be more demanding, we will be taking into consideration not only your skill, but your availability and willingness to practice for extra hours" Jana explained. "We are also looking for some chemistry between the protagonists."

Even though there were children as young as eight in class, no one even giggled at this last part. We had grown used to skating in pairs from an early age, so, there was hardly any awkwardness.

"That being said" she resumed, "I still need at least an intermediate level skater for this part, to make the process easier and rehearsals not as laboring".

Someone raised their hand. I remembered her name, Nyx. We had practiced together ages ago.

"Couldn't we have a same-sex couple? Like, a version where the nutcracker was a girl or where the Mouse King and the Nutcracker were secretly in love?"

I listened in for the instructor's response.

"We definitely could. But for this specific recital we didn't really have time to put together an adapted story. Maybe next time..."

As Jana answered some more last-minute questions, I went to the bathroom, to wash my face, and went back. It was hot and damp in there, and I already felt my skin itch. And to think summer was still two months away...

By the time I got back, it was Estrela's turn. She made me feel slightly breathless for a different reason that had little to do with the weather. I felt a combination of embarassment and excitement to see her in there, as though the familiarity we once had was awkward. Like a song you know well, with elements you master; but in a different competition, in uncharted territory. But that didn't make any sense.

The first thing she did was give the song name to Malu, who put it on Spotify. I was intrigued by her choice: "Something inside", by Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Estrela was not flawless. She actually messed up a few times in the beginning, and it seemed as though that rough start would get to her. She asked to start again. The first verses of the song played again, and I felt mesmerized at the way she let herself be taken over by emotion, more in the moment than I could ever be. For every figure she executed to the melody, I could almost feel her pain. When it came time for the technical part, she also did not disappoint, performing the jumps and spins she had been asked to do.

"It's the first thing you see as you open your eyes

The last thing you say as you're saying goodbye

But something inside you is crying, driving you on

Cause if you hadn't found me

I would have found you

I would have found you..."

At this point, I got distracted by the music and stopped analyzing the elements for correctness. I got lost in my feelings about the lyrics, relating to them, especially to the part where it talked about running in circles and getting to a point where you needed to stay in one place. About wanting something desperately, needing it more urgently than your own life. It was a love song, but not a romantic song. I wondered about her motivations for choosing that tune in particular. I did know her story.

The song took me back to that afternoon in the hospital. The two of us sitting in silence, on the bed, looking at the girl with the prosthetics skating away without a care in the world. I wanted that. I wanted to feel that again. And, as strong as my urge was, was my fear of not being capable of doing that anymore.

I thought back at my last ludicrous attempts at skating with my own bionic leg. I could barely stand on one foot and do a table top, before I fell on my face. Let alone a spin.

The ceiling and the walls seemed to close in on me, which was funny, because that gym was usually huge (especially when running laps, If I remembered well). I fought a lump that insisted to grow on my throat, before I whispered an apology to Jana, who seemed to be discreetly drying her eyes. I handed in my notepad to her, with my grades so far. Jana simply gave me one thumb up, signaling it was okay for me to leave before the audition was over

As I walked away to one of the exits, a wave of despair seemed do drown me.

That wasn't a question of who was making the role of Clara. All my bets were on Estrela. That was pretty clear to anyone who had a pair of eyes. She had plenty of precision, and she could convey emotion. The problem was that, if Estrela made the part, I was going to look like an idiot next to her. Again. I could practically hear Heitor's voice in my head mocking me "So, what else is new?".

There was a little bench close to the wall, right outside the building. It was not hidden, everyone could see it on the way down to class. Zero privacy for a proper breakdown. And yet, breakdown I did, and that was the spot I chose to spend my last moments as Ulisses, son of the figure skating champion, a former champion himself. Soon to be a charity case and laughing stock. Why else did they pick me? To humiliate me in front of an audience. I mean, I knew I could be a little arrogant before my accident. But that was years ago. Did they want to ground me so badly?

I picked up a pill bottle in my backpack, and a water bottle I always had on me. I sat there, for a while, absentmindedly watching as the first skaters left for their parents' cars. I did not notice the person who stood by my side.

"Can you tell me what happened in there?" Jana asked.

"I needed to take some medicine. I fell down the stairs earlier, and my leg started to hurt" I said. That wasn't exactly a lie, but I wouldn't look at her as I said it. I didn't want to see that I was about to cry "It isn't that bad, but I put my weight on my stu... my prosthetic leg..."

"I figured as much. Are you okay, though? Aren't you taking too many of those?"

I nodded.

"I'm okay. As good as can be..." 

"Did you like the auditions, though? The part you watched, anyway...I noticed you only took notes during Gabriela Garzia's turn."

"It was nice. They all did well. But it's been so long, since I last..." my voice trailed off "I'm not sure."

"We liked Estrela for Clara's part. She had a vulnerable, yet strong quality to her. She came a long way in a short time, and there is a sweet disposition behind her dark clothes and eyeliner. Kind of like a baby bat, in one of those vídeos where they hug a stuffed animal to sleep."

I laughed at the mental image. She gestured at me to move over to the side, and sat next to me.

"I hope you don't have a problem with that" she said.

"I was not aware I had a vote".

"Who would you pick?" Jana asked. "I thought you had only seen a couple of people"

"I guess it could be Estrela, if you want. I mean, whatever."

"So, what's with the long face? What's wrong, Ulisses? The truth, this time."

I took a long breath.

"So, this invite you made. For me to take part in... I don't think I can do it", I said. "Thanks a lot for thinking of me, though." I managed to get out, still avoiding her gaze.

"But you can hang out with sketchy people, drink and risk having to repeat the eleventh grade..."

I bit back the snarky reply. But she could tell, by my expression, that I was surprised that she even heard some of it.

"Look, Ulisses. I've heard some concerning stories about what you have been up to lately. I didn't want to believe them at first, but... I'm concerned"

Concerned. Well, it was a concerned party, alledgedly close to me, that had spread this gossip that I had been drinking and abusing painkillers, after seeing me drinking at a party as a minor. It was my 16th birthday, for Pete's sake. And sure, I messed up, and I was going through a hard time, but they made it out to look like I was some washed up former child actor. I hadn't quite been able to shake those rumors since and, to make matters worse, they had sent pictures of me looking drunk at that party to a website. That did wonders for my relationship with my parents, by the way. Worst hangover ever. 

I took a deep breath and thought of what the therapist told me and my parents in the group therapy session. "Don't assume. Replace defensiveness with honesty. Try to communicate. Take accountability. Trust the other person to understand. If they don't then you get to wash your hands." Well, here goes nothing:

"You shouldn't have paid attention to those rumors, to begin with. They were just rumors, lies spread by someone who didn't have a life, and a picture taken out of context, that came out in all those websites over a year ago. And I got in huge trouble for that. I did screw up and, believe me, I faced the consequences. I trusted some people I shouldn't have. Look, Jana, I'm not trying to avoid responsibility here. But I learned from that. And I promise you, I have not been partying. Not in that way."

I paused. Trust if you want to be trusted. 

"All I do is... dance." I said. 

"Dance?" She looked at me in disbelief.

"Yeah, ballroom, Zouk, Forró. Those kinds of dances. That's where I go with my friends. The sketchy people you are talking about. I started doing it as a way to do a physical activity, without all the pressure I had here. No offense. 

"None taken" she said, still stunned. 

"And we do get a little dopamine rush. It is addicting, you should totally try it out sometime. But I swear, there is no substance involved in that rush. It was just a way to cope with... some stuff I was going through. You have to believe me. 

"I do see you with a medicine bottle." she said, sounding less sure. 

"Yeah. Do you also see my scratched leg? This cut in my other leg?" I sighed. "I could use some ice too."

"I'll believe you". 

"Thank you. That's all I'm asking for." 

"So" Jana slapped her knees and stood up." Thanks for coming. I'm go get you some ice, and then you can go on your way."

"What?"

"You can go.  I am not going to push it."

"Are you trying to pull a reverse psychology trick? Because that's never worked on me."

"Of course not. You are smarter than that. Besides, manipulation was never my forte. You know better than to think that of me. Even if I was never your coach." She looked at me pointedly.

"I know, I'm sorry. It's just, I was schooled on it before I could skate..."

"It wasn't only his fault that happened."

"It doesn't matter. I'm over it" I said, maybe not as over it as I wish I were.

"Clearly. Like I said, it's your call. No hidden agenda here. We want to make something great, and having someone participate on it against their will could make it a disaster...But if you are so sure, why aren't you leaving?"

Good question. She was letting me off the hook. So, why didn't I leave? I thought of the song Estrela was dancing to, again. Maybe I did not want to give up on it just yet. I didn't answer her question, but just closed my eyes and tried to take a deep breath, like I did before a competition. This visit was giving me so many triggers..."

"Jitters are good. They mean you care." I could hear my dad say, in my mind.

"I like the breeze here. It's hard to breathe at home." I finally said.

"That hard, uh?"

I opened my eyes and looked at her.

"My folks are getting a divorce. Which, don't get me wrong, it's a huge relief. But now they want me to decide who I want to stay with, and I'm not ready to make a decision just yet. And I'm probably moving out of state. I have a lot in my plate right now."

"Does your...reluctance have anything to do with yout father?"

I had to stop and think about it.

"No. I mean, partly. Not only this. You wouldn't get it."

"Give me some credit."

"One of the reasons is that I didn't audition for the part. I know you think you are being kind and all, but, to everyone else, that makes it look like I was cast for the role out of favoritism. Because of my father. Or pity, because of what happened to me. And diversity and all. And they will be sure of it, once I start skating and I can't even do a lousy spin..." my voice trailed off. "It doesn't feel genuine. It is not like Gabriela, who's probably been working her ass off."

"She was pretty great. We thought of casting her as the Mouse King, because he appears more. We could make it a Mouse Queen if she wanted. But she didn't want to use something over her head and not have everyone recognize her."

"She sounds like a piece of work..."

"She is, and she gets away with everything, because of her sass and how everyone loves her. I just hope she never uses her power for evil..."

I chuckled.

"Listen, Ulisses, I'm going to be straight with you. I could give you at least five reasons why I thought it would be a good idea to have you take part in this recital. Only one of them would have to do with your last name. But because of the name you made for yourself. Not because of your father."

I looked at her.

"You literally introduced me in there using his name."

"Because he was also a coach here!"

"That didn't help!"

"I'm sorry. You are completely right. That was careless of me."

"I'm listening."

"One of the reasons is also what you went through, and how you seem to have overcome that. Or are working to overcome. We are not interested in you just because you were a championship winner in the past. We are not looking for perfection, in the traditional, creepy Natalie Portman in Black Swan sense. We want to be there for you when you get back on those skates. However you do."

Her points were improving.

"We don't want you, or Gabriela, just to play the diversity card. I promise. If you didn't have anything to add to the table, If you weren't good, I would not go through the trouble. It would have been hard to explain it all over a text message. And it didn't seem like you'd be willing to listen. I mean, there is a Canadian school interested in you."

"For my prosthetic leg... Because they are under the illusion I can still skate and be a 'fighter'". Ugh.

She chuckled

"We could work together to make them look past that. To make them look at the skater. It could be a huge opportunity for you."

"You make some good points, Jana. But there is one flaw in them."

"What?"

"You can't just pretend that there is no prosthetic. Or that Gabi doesn't have Down Syndrome. They are here. I don't want to be seen for it alone. But it has to be in your mind when making adjustments."

"What are you talking ab..."

"Stairs, Jana. I'm taking about steep cement stairs, and having people with disabilities share them with people running up and down. Falling down. Like earlier. It is a recipe for disaster."

"But who..."

"It doesn't matter. I'm not blaming them for running". And I didn't want to get Estrela into trouble. "But how do you want to accomodate people with disabilities, to cherish us and follow us on our way to overcoming whatever obstacle we find along our way to greatness or whatever, if the obstacles start here? If their... our needs are not accounted for? Not even a single ramp."

Jana opened her mouth, and closed.

"That way, it sounds like the diversity card castle would fall down at the softest breeze." I said

"You're right." She let out a breath.

I was startled. I was not used to making myself heard like this.

"You're completely right. I will let the owners know, during our next meeting. That could totally be done. It is quite simple, even. Any other pointers? Is that your condition to say yes?"

She completely missed my point, again.

"It's not a condition I'm imposing, like I'm asking for eighty red towels and three dozen crimson roses on my dresser. It could help anyone with mobility issues. And it's just something I noticed. But I don't think I can do it, regardless of any improvements you may make. I told you, I'm lousy at skating now. I lost my balance. It's hard to transfer my weight to do the very basic movements, when I can't feel my foot. You know how it works."

"I do. And so do you. You know the principles. You know the theory. And I saw you skating back and forth in there. It's a start!"

Next to a competition level skater? I felt like we were going around in circles. It was frustrating on so many levels!

"Is that what this is about?" I felt my temper rise again "If you just want some person dressed like a toy soldier to skate back and forth, I'm sure anyone would do. You don't need some inspiration porn. The school sells itself."

"Inspiration what?"

I ignored her bewildered expression.

"Even if I could skate right now, I'm not sure I'd want to do it just so someone without mobility issues or any kind of disability could feel good about themselves, and then post a video of me with the hashtag 'What's your excuse?'. I swear, if I hear the word resilient, I walk. No pun intended".

Unlike my outbursts in the hospital, at least here I felt like I was past the screaming and shouting phase. I felt good about actually saying what was wrong. It gave me some kind of power. Until Jana retorted:

"I want you to think back on the reason you thought it was possible for you to skate on a prosthetic leg. Did the idea just come out of nowhere, or did you see someone do it on TV? My point is, this kind of inspiration... what you said, can be an inspiration for someone who actually needs it."

I remembered that video of the skater. I thought of the song, earlier.

"Do you know how many skaters, or athletes, with a disability are there? Can you even imagine the impact you'll have on people who see you skating with a bionic leg? Isn't that what you said as soon you woke up from anestesia? That you wanted to skate again?"

"I wasn't given a lot of options. You make it sound like I woke up one day wanting to walk on a peg leg."

"You can still walk, though."

I knew I was being unfair and incoherent sometimes. Not to mention petulant. I could practically hear my mom scold me for even thinking something like that. And I knew I could have died, without the amputation. That peg leg, as I put it, was the very thing that gave me some independence to be here without any crutches, but I did not give.

If our argument had scared off passersby, they did not give it away.

"And you thought it was going to be easy peasy. That all it took was putting on a carbon alloy leg to run around? No adaptation whatsoever?"

"You sound like my doctors", I mumbled, resentful.

"I didn't think so. So, why did you think skating again was going to be that easy? That you would be landing axels and lutzes and salchows as soon as you set foot in a skating court?

I was speechless. I hated that she was making more sense than me.

"I thought about making the most of these months, until the recital. You're right, we are not making you do elaborate figures. We want you go back to basics, and work your way up. I'm sure you could do a spin or two by December.

"Good, if there weren't spins, I'd be out of here."

"That is, if you want to. You say the word, I'm back there, calling new auditions for the role. So, what do you say?"

"Something inside you is crying, driving you on..."

"You know you're not doing this just for them, Ulisses. Or for your father." A voice inside my head urged.

"Ok. Ugh." Jana was walking back inside the building "Wait!"

She looked at me.

"What?"

"Fine! I will do it. But only if you can manage to make me not look stupid in there."

"I can't make any promises. I can try and help you. It's also up to you."

I wish she didn't sound like a cologne commercial.

"Ok, that's great news" she said. "I'm going to talk to Estrela, to give her the good news."

My phone vibrated lightly.

"Good to know it still works" she quipped. "keep it light, okay? You have a responsibility now" She pointed at the phone.

Alex's name appeared on the screen. I touched the phone icon.

"Yo, Thiago is having some people over at his house later today for an imprompty dance session. You in? Bia said you would definitely come."

"I can't, bro", I said. "I got something. Yeah, I'll have to deal with her, sooner or later..."

I talked to him briefly, but I didn't want to tell him the whole story. That was going to wait. As I put the phone back on my pocket Estrela and Gabriela walked past me. I got up and almost ran to them.

"Hey, Estrela! Wait up. Can I talk to you for a sec?"