4- ESTRELA

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I passed by Gabi's room on the way to my own, to freshen up before everyone was here. 

Friday-night dinners at my grandma Celeste's house were a busy affair. The two of us were usually joined by her daughter Alicia, her live-in boyfriend Matheus, and my cousins Heitor and Gabi. Gabriela always wanted to spend weekends here alledgedly was to keep me company, but I had a strong huntch that it was an excuse to stay up watching movies and eating junk food. She even had her own bedroom, decorated in a French Rococo style, after she secretly watched snippets of "Marie Antoiniette" and became obsessed with pastel colors and ruffles. That, to her, was the idea of the perfect princess-style bedroom. Even her four-poster bed was painted in white, pink, and gold. It was kind of awesome, out of a movie, even if it wasn't my favorite style, particularly.

I opened my own bedroom door and turned on the steampunk light fixtures on the ceiling. 

 Since I came to live here over a year ago, grandma asked me what I wanted as a theme for my bedroom and I picked Steampunk, after my favorite literary genre. Parts of it, like the wall painting, the bedpost with the lights, and some of the furniture and fixture, adapted from old things we had laying around in the house gathering dust. Some fixtures were made out of pipes we had bought and I had helped spray-paint in antique gold and brown. We also bought the extra fluffy dark marroon suede comforter I liked to get snuggled in, as grandma told Gabi and I bedtime stories. I suppose I could have told her I am way too big for bedtime stories, but it was kind of nice listening to her soft tone as I drifted off to sleep. 

I touched the book that lay on my dresser, from last night, "The Nutcracker". Gabi had heard that story lots of times. It was my first time, and I listened on intently, as Clara attempted to convince her parents that a big fat rat had stolen all the gifts from under the Christmas tree. My last though before I finally dozed off,  was that, just as Clara had managed to defeat the Rat King and recover her toys, maybe I could get some semblance of my life back. Not as it was before, but maybe the next best thing.

I turned on the water and got in the shower, trying not to get my hair wet.

I couldn't help but think of the night I came here to live, and everything that happened after that. I had that chance now, to be Clara. Maybe, I could get a normalish life. Of sorts. I didn't want to go back to my mom's, far from it. But having people remember me for something I achieved, and not from some tabloid news that kept coming up, I would be happy. If only I could set foot in a school building without wanting to barf, that would be stellar.

It was my second shower that day. In Rio de Janeiro, Summer starts unofficially in September. After freshening up, I threw my figure skating uniform in the hamper and slipped into something more comfortable, black tailored shorts and my favorite grey crop top shirt, with the drawing of an Ouija board, but with a pizza slice in each side of it, and instead of the letters, it read " a slice a day keeps the bad spirits away". I put on some chapstick, and ran downstairs, before all the pizza was gone.

I stepped into the kitchen just as the intercom started to ring.

Before I sat down, I greeted everyone. I hugged Grandma last. Alicia was outside, getting the pizzas.

"I heard we are celebrating tonight. Gabi just told everyone she made the Sugarplum fairy in the Christmas recital" she said, after we were done hugging. I glared at Gabi. She hadn't even waited for me...

"I didn't tell them your news yet. " Gabi shrugged.

"Ah, thank you so much" I said, but already felt my irritation subside.

"So, what is your  news?" Alicia, said, walking in with the pizza pie, and placing it on the center of the table.

"I made a role too. I got Clara."  I said, in between bites of my slice. "Jana just told me over the phone, that the great  skater Ulisses Vasilievwould be my partner. That is exactly how she said it. The great". I tried to sound out Heitor's reaction. 

He lifted his head and seemed to grimace, but did not say a word. I knew they had had a pretty nasty fight a while back, but he hadn't exactly told us the reason. He simply grimaced or scoffed whenever he heard his name. And though he had not expressely forbidden us from mentioning his ex-best friend, we knew the subject was sore. 

"But that is not all" Gabi announced "will you tell them the whole story ot should I?

Off of them, but Heitor, laughed. I simply shrugged.

"There is nothing else to tell. The great Ulisses came up to me after the audition and asked me if I would help him with some elements he is having a hard time mastering, with the new leg and all. .

"That was probably painful for him" Heitor mumbled.

"You have no idea..." and I told them about our encounter on the stairs. "I was so mortified when I saw it was him I had knocked over! I probably got my first class ticket to hell for slamming into someone with a prosthetic leg.

"I keep telling you that you should stop running around everywhere" grandma said. "It was a matter of time before you fell, or hurt someone".

I didn't tell her why I had been running. Sometimes I tried to walk into a school building. It was "homework" my therapist had given me, and Antares was connected to a school we kind of had access to. Today was the day I almost made it to the hallway. But by the time I mustered up the courage to take my first step, I was almost late for my own classes.

"But he didn't yell at me. He was actually polite and recognized me. Which made me feel even worse."

I omitted the part about our glances and the warm feeling of his arm on my shoulders.

"I don't know why would be so surprised" aunt Alicia said. "He and Ulisses did hang out together all the time, a while back. And you were with them..." her voice trailed off, as she seemed to think of something painful. 

"The surprise is probably because he turned into a major as...  — Heitor started saying.

"Are you really about to say what I think you're about to say on the table? With your little sister in sight?" his mom warned, as I took advantage of the distraction to turn to him:

"Why did you fight, anyway?"

I could not reconcile the guy he described , and Ulisses' actual behavior.

"Were you dating the same person?" Gabi asked.

"No! it's not like that!" he said, vehemently. "Fine, if you must know, it is basically because he turned into someone else. It's like he is using his own trauma as an excuse to treat people like sh... garbage." he corrected, glancing at his mother. "And I just got sick of it. Of him blowing me off whenever the next shiny thing, or friend, came along, and then seeking me out when he 'needed a friend'.  I mean, he was never the most empathetic guy in the world, even before...and then something happened and he did something that could have really hurt... someone. But he never took any accountability for it. Not even when I confronted him about the person. 

He and his mom exchanged glances with Celeste. It felt like they were hiding something. And then Aunt Alicia said:

"People move at different paces, baby. You of all people shouldn't forget that" 

She was probably talking about Gabi. I knew that being stimulated early meant my cousin could do a lot of things, skating involved but she had her challenges. Like reading and writing, for instance. 

"I'm not saying that it is okay to treat people like... garbage, as you put. But as for making new friends, maybe he did go through things he thought you couldn't reach. And maybe your friendship has run its course, and it's okay" she said. "but it shouldn't mean Estrela or Gabi shouldn't talk to, or be nice to him."

Grandma and I exchanged glances. I tried to change the subject, to lighten the mood. 

"So, if we are celebrating, does it mean I can have my first champagne? Yes? — I asked, my hands on the table in prayer, as if I was pleading with her.

She just laughed at the reference to "The sound of music".

For you it is lemonade, sweetheart. You are not even fifteen going on sixteen yet. 

I made the mistake of pointing out I was going on fifteen soon, and the subject changed to my upcoming deb ball, which, quite frankly, was my least favorite subject at the moment.

Between Gabi's shrieks that she had seen the most perfect dress on Pinterest, my grandma saying I had to move it along before it was too late to pick a theme, and they needed to book the place and the decoration, and the cake, and me saying that in the name of all that was holy, I did not want to Waltz, my only consolation was thinking that, with a birthday just before Christmas holidays, very few people would even bother to show up. 

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