THE CONCLUSION

[PART 1]

❝If our lives were a game of monopoly, no matter how many times you restart it, the outcome should be the same.❞

- Mu Cheng, Autumn's Concerto, 2009.

💍 💍 💍

It all ended again, just like it had begun.

They say every ending is a new beginning. And every beginning is just the means to an end. So what difference does any of this make? The only ending I should be worried about is that of my suffering. Because all through life, whenever I found myself ending one pain, saying tough goodbyes, another one stood right there — waiting for me in the guise of a new beginning.

It all ended again, just like the last time.

And I found myself back here, right where my story had started. Sitting on this damned beach, tracking the movement of the waves and waiting for the pain to end again though it never did. Glaring at the sun that didn't seem to want to set anytime soon, I angrily threw a stone into the sea. Again.

This is not what I had asked for. None of this was fair. What was the point of going back in time when the ending was supposed to stay the same? Only worse, this time around.

The sun that I thought was my pillar of support in the dark times had turned out to be my worst enemy, stabbing me in the back, mocking me for my loss and pain. Because like a cruel twist of fate, I had to live through it all over again. With even more to lose this time. Because I hadn't just lost my best friend. This time, I lost the love of my life as well. The girl who loved me back, who chose me, who wanted to stay with me forever. I lost it all within a span of seconds.

The girl who told me she loved me just before she fell into the clutches of death while her supposed lifesaver simply stood there, affixed, and helplessly watched the aftermath. I lost my daylight and found myself blindfolded again, wishing for the pain to leave me just like Lyra did. Again.

Was all of this just a cruel joke life was playing on me?

A few hours ago, I had dared to hope, dared to believe that maybe, just maybe what happened before could have been a bad dream. A nightmare I woke up from when I ended up back in March again. And when Lyra started smiling like she always deserved to, for real, I began thinking that this was my reality now — sweet, simple and lovely.

Because my moments with Lyra ended up bandaging all the pains of the past. My wounds were almost healing but who knew this salt air would open them up and make them bleed again?

Everything on this beach kept mocking me. The waves that returned to the shore kept reminding me how close I was to having Lyra forever before I lost her again. The sky seemed to hold on to the sun for a bit longer this time, not wanting to let go unlike Lyra who left me, just like before, again. The sandcastles built on the beach blended again with the sand with just a wave hitting them, just like our house of cards that crashed and crumbled with one small breeze.

Maybe this was the way of nature, a cruel way of life. For everything that started was supposed to end someday. Everything beautiful was supposed to die one day or the other. Because nothing lasts forever. Even if it was something as pure as love. Because no one could ever win against death and destiny. Not even us.

❝Said goodbye, turned around

And you were gone, gone, gone.❞

Lyra's voice kept echoing in my mind. I love you, Diego. I wish she could have said that closer to my face instead of shouting it from the terrace. Why did she even have to be there? Why couldn't she be here on this beach with me? Just like the day we fought, just like the day we made up again and let the waves wash away our anger.

I want Lyra next to me, even if it meant we would have another fight right now. I was ready to be someone she would hate forever if it meant getting to let her live. My own life didn't matter as much. If death wanted someone this bad, maybe there could be a way to give my own life away and let her live this time.

Maybe there was something I was missing all along. Because this is not how our story was supposed to end, was it?

Closing my eyes, I prayed to see Lyra next to me again but I turned around to find just the sand. Holding it in my palms, I watched it slip away just like Lyra had. I wonder why we bother holding onto memories and people when they're just going to slip away like this sand anyway.

It was so stupid of me to think I had a second chance with Lyra this time. Because life had never wiped our slate clean to give us a fresh start. It had merely tilted our hourglass to reset our time from the very beginning. But sooner or later, the sand would slip away this time as well. And she would leave me once again, just like she was always destined to.

❝Faded into the setting sun,

Slipped away.❞

The realisation hit me like a train. I was not merely alone on this beach. I was all alone in life, probably all alone in this whole wide universe too. Because there was no one to hold onto anymore, no reason to live. I'd loved and I had lost but there was nothing left to lose now. But for some reason, that didn't feel liberating. It just made me feel emptier and hollow on the inside.

As if in reflex, I carved my name on the sand and laughed at the irony. My destiny was sealed right into my name. Diego. Because everyone I loved was meant to die and go. And I was supposed to be all alone in the very end. I was meant to suffer; I was meant to long for a love I never had yet always lost to the hands of cruel fate.

Why could life not leave me just one person to accompany me? Just Lyra? Was I asking for too much?

I couldn't handle all of this confusion anymore. The frustration got to me and my head was hurting again, so badly that everything felt numb. Almost involuntarily, I felt my shoulders shake as the expected stream of tears streamed down my eyes. Why did it all have to come crashing down like this?

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't remove the images of Lyra falling off the terrace from my mind. I just couldn't. The blood, the way her eyes fluttered open for a minute, the smile on her face before she closed her eyes forever. My head spun with haunting images and I barely managed to hold myself together.

My eyes fluttered above to glare at the sun that was happily about to be setting again. For a moment, I thought about the sky which was lucky enough to witness the unrequited love of the sun and the moon. For whenever the sun would go down, the moon would rise. It somehow felt like the sun loved the moon and kept chasing after it, but it always rose only after the sun lost hope and drowned into the sea.

Since the sun was about to set again, I could have made another wish but how could I dare to when I knew the ending would always be the same? I didn't have it in me to have Lyra and lose her again. I couldn't bear to lose her again. But wait, would making this wish again create one of those time loops where once in a million chances, I would figure out how to break the spell and save Lyra?

Or did that kind of stuff just happen in the movies?

❝But I won't cry

'Cause I know I'll never be lonely.❞

Sighing, I hung my head low in disappointment and all of a sudden, my gaze fell on the book I was holding in my hand all this while. The notebook in which Lyra had penned down her thoughts. That reminded me, I hadn't read what she had written the previous night. Her last night — those three words were so bone-chilling, so hauntingly real now. Out of nowhere, a thought crossed my mind. Her diary, my notebook... Who knew it'd end up becoming a witness to her tainted headspace?

Or maybe even her suicide note, considering the way she first died. My mind started projecting images of how Lyra fell and crashed down onto the ground, the book clenched tightly in her hand. As if she never wanted to let it go. As if she wanted to hold onto it even in her afterlife. And I took it from her lifeless hands, just like I had grabbed the ruby ring from my mom's dead body as her last memory.

Nostalgia taking over, I flipped the book open to the page where I had read last where she talked about her problems with her family. What I saw ahead was honestly surprising. She had written over 4 pages last night and her handwriting was way too sloppy. Blame it to the alcohol and the darkness in which she was writing her suicide note, on the terrace of the school.

Most of what she had written was about the party and what she had worn. But my eyes widened when I read the word 'kiss' on a page. She had mentioned it once, not describing it in much detail, calling it wonderful but the words on the page moved so fast that I couldn't find it again. Giving up, I began reading what was written on the page before that.

"It was perfect, scratch that, it was beyond perfect. But so is my cutest idiot. As if he was made just for me. Someone who loves me, accepts me for who I am and loves me even at my worst. How could I ever let him go? How can I ever ruin him, taint him with my mess? I care for him too much to do that to him. No matter how much I want to cry in his arms and tell him about all my problems, I don't want to become the tornado that drags him into my storms. I want him to be safe, happy. Even if that means staying away from me. He is too important to me. So important that I can't show him my dark side because if I see even a flicker of fear in his eyes when he looks at me, I'll die. Instantly."

A while later, I figured this was written before she called me, crying in the middle of the night. I could only imagine what she must be going through at that time, all alone in her room, probably after just having fought with her parents. The conflict of crying out to me about all her problems versus the fear of tainting me, just like she had hinted that night. It must be killing her on the inside. The desperate need to be understood versus the unrelenting urge to protect me.

Was this why neither mom or Lyra ever told me about what they were going through? Was it not just because they didn't trust me enough to open up to me? And was it really that they were just trying to protect me all along?

I was so stupid to assume they didn't love me or care about me enough to talk to me before ending their lives. Because maybe, this could mean they cared way too much. So much that they deemed it better to leave me wondering than show me their dark reasons and dim my daylight. Because though they were hanging by the edge of a cliff, they were afraid that if they called out to me, I could fall with them while trying to save them. So they chose to suffer in silence. To let me live a happy life they couldn't.

The realisation shook me to the very core. I was truly an idiot for thinking neither mom or Lyra loved me when their love was plastered in their very silences. They hid the oceans of tears in their eyes from me not because they didn't trust me but because they didn't want me to drown into them. They wanted me to stay afloat; they lost themselves but saved me in the process.

I was so, so loved but had a stupid blindfold on to not be able to see it.

Wiping the tears from my eyes, I continued reading a few pages ahead.

"You know, it's like my life was a puzzle with a missing piece all along. All my life, I kept crying about the defect that I'd always have to carry around with me. Little did I know that Diego was the piece of the puzzle that went missing. I was empty so that Diego could fill in that vacant space in my heart with his love. Damn, I'm falling so hard. I'm falling for that idiot. I think I'm falling in love with him.

I don't know what to do with all these emotions in me anymore!!! It's driving me crazy!!! Do I tell him? Do I not? Or do I just keep this feeling locked in my heart and live with it for a bit before reality slaps me again, just like it always does? I just know that either way, I'm going to lose my mind. If he tells me "we're just friends, Lyra" or whether he tells me "I think I like you, too, Lyra." Fuck. What is this even? I didn't even know my heart could beat this fast!

He makes everything so beautiful. He makes me feel beautiful. I no longer feel like a monster. This ruby ring shines on my hand as I write this and it feels so perfect, so maroon. I love it. I don't know if this ring belongs to me like Diego said but there's one thing I'm certain of. My heart has belonged to Diego all along.

I wasn't supposed to fall for my best friend but when I saw him smile at me at 3 a.m... My mind lost track and my heart made an irrational decision to become his forever. I fell for that silly smile, those greenish-brown eyes and his awkward dance steps. I fell for his awesome piano tunes and I fell so hard that it almost feels like something in me died... Only to be born again. And all of a sudden, I'm no longer afraid of falling."

I tightly placed a hand over my mouth but the muffled cries still escaped. For once, I wanted to forget everything and run to her, to hug her, squeeze her in my arms. I wanted to smash my lips on her just one last time and keep on telling her how much I love her until my vocal cords gave up.

Maybe our love was really like that of the sun and the moon. For me to realise how much I love her, I had to lose her first.

"Diego always tells me it's better to be happy than hope, because by hoping we live in the future while when we are happy, it is because of the present. I don't know if it's the alcohol which has cleared my mind or Diego's silly but lovely words (see how madly I am in love with this idiot?!?) but I have decided that I will let go. I will move on. Because this love isn't just magical. It's also liberating.

Enough of all the sad thoughts. Though I know I have Diego's love to fight them, I don't want him to feel responsible for everything I do. He is my life, he is my present, my tomorrows but I know we can never forget the past we once carried. He lost his mom, I lost my hope but here we are back again, restoring each other's faith and it feels like we're starting a new life that is full of love and happiness. Just that because not even a glimpse of sadness is allowed to enter our house. Just love. Just us.

He once told me holding a grudge is like walking around with a bone in your throat. Neither will it let you eat peacefully nor will it let you be free. No matter how much you try to ignore it, the pain will never cease and it'll end up being the end of you one day. So, it's better to remove the bone though it might be tough. It's best to forgive the ones who've hurt us, though it will be painful and full of struggles at first. Forgiving isn't easy but the peace it brings is so worth it.

Today, just like this cold monsoon wind that is blowing around and spreading the joys of rain all around, I choose to give up on all the thoughts that were successful in troubling me once. I forgive everyone who tried to change me, hurt me. My mom, my dad, my friends, my teachers and even myself. I forgive everyone as I move on to make a new start in my new life where I will be happy. With my D.

It feels like a big weight has been lifted off my heart. Maybe that's what Diego meant when he said moving on feels good. All I know is I love him, he loves me and we will always be happy, wherever we are.

Tomorrow's sun will bring with it the best possible thing to happen. Shit, it really feels like I'll be starting a whole new life tomorrow. With the one I love, with Diego. And it will all start on a good note, since I am ending it at one. I know that come what may, I will be happy now. No matter what life throws at my face, I will face it because I know Diego's standing right beside me. Holding my hand till the end of time.

And I look forward to the day Diego will reply to my 'I love you, Diego' with an 'I love you, Lyra'. I will wait for that day."

My shoulders shook violently and my eyes squeezed shut. I couldn't help but sob until my throat felt dry and burnt with pain. Lyra! What was I supposed to do without her, now? How was I supposed to live without that idiot? What was I supposed to do with life now that she wasn't going to be here?

❝I can hear those echoes in the wind at night.

Calling me back in time, back to you.❞

Maybe it wouldn't be as stupid to make a silly wish. Even if it was just a loop where the beginning and ending remained the same no matter what I did, I could live just for the middles. To spend more time with Lyra again. To live with her again. To hold her once more. To tell her I wasn't ever going to let her slip away. No matter what consequences. Because I would find her in every lifetime, in every possibility. And each time I ended up here, I would keep making wishes to this setting sun, asking for another chance. Over and over again. Until we broke all bounds of space and time to unite together. Forever.

Just as I was about to open my mouth to make a wish, all of a sudden, the cold air playing with my hair stopped. I knit my eyebrows together and stared at the sea, perplexed as to why the waves but they had stopped. Rubbing my eyes in confusion, I looked at the coconut tree above me that had been moving its tiny branches but it stayed, too, still.

Everything around me was frozen like a statue. It was not long before I realised the sun that was supposed to set by now was still affixed there, staring at me. Holding my wish and not letting it slip past my lips again. I looked at my watch but the seconds' hand had stopped moving.

Did the battery in my watch die or did time actually pause?

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To Be Continued...

(in Conclusion Part 2)

[Song Lyrics Credits: "See You Again" by Carrie Underwood.]

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Random Question - Given the chance to go back in time and change one thing you did, what would you change?

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Author's Note - Heyaa! Let me know what you think of this chapter. Btw if you haven't noticed, this chapter not only sums up their entire journey but also contains ALL the titles from EACH chapter of this story! Isn't that kinda cool? *_*

Do you think time actually stopped or is Diego losing his mind? Will he meet Lyra again? Comment your theories; I'm eager to listen to them <3

Don't forget to Read, Vote, Comment, Share, Follow and Add this Book to your Reading Lists! And as always, if you post about this story on social media, please use the hashtag #HeadspaceWattpad and tag me so I can see it :)