[002] social suicide

( trigger warning for mentions of an eating disorder and forced vomiting )

                              "Don't eat like a slob, Alice. You're a Kim, please act like one," Marlo Kim, Alice's mother, remarked with her eyes narrowed in disapproval.

                              Alice slows down dramatically, suddenly feeling self-conscious underneath the gaze of her parents. It's why she hated having to do things like this with her family, even something as simple as eating dinner. Every chance they could get, Marlo and Iseul Kim knew exactly how to make Alice feel like shit.

                             "Sorry," is all Alice says, suddenly feeling bile rise up in her throat. But she swallows it down, gently pushing her plate away. 

                              Family breakfasts had just now started to become a thing since a couple months ago. The marriage counselor her parents were secretly seeing (the third one in a row since the first two couldn't deal with them anymore) happened to suggest that the family spend a lot more time together. It was hard enough to do so with the parents devoting almost all of their time (no, scratch that - all of their time) at Moderne and Alice spent more time away from home than inside of it. But nonetheless, they had breakfast and dinners together as often as possible. Marlo and Iseul even had dinner dates from time to time.

                             But with how stiff they acted with each other, Alice was convinced that it wasn't working. 

                             "Have you heard about Logan Roy's boy?" Iseul then asked, deciding to change the subject to more important matters. Even if it happened to be gossip.

                             "Which one?" Marlo answers with a raised brow. "I think there's about three of them."

                             "Roman, I think his name is. He just got out of military school, remember?" Iseul answered.

                              "Oh, yes, I remember now," Marlo nods.

                             Alice glances between her parents, suddenly more interested in the conversation than before. She quickly remembered Roman from the other night and how she had more fun with him during their brief banter than she had with anyone else.

                            "He was always such a weird boy. Logan told me that he sent him away because he was getting into a lot of trouble at his past schools," Iseul continued.

                            "What sort of trouble?" Alice questioned.

                            "How the fuck should I know? Point is, he's a strange boy and I don't blame Logan for sending him away. He's obviously got some issues," Iseul shook his head before going back to eating his food.

                            "I don't know. He seemed kind of normal to me," Alice shrugged. As normal as a rich boy could be anyway.

                            "You met him?" Marlo asks, both she and Iseul turning to look at him.

                            "Through Andrew. They're friends, sort of," Alice explained with a shrug.

                            "I'm surprised a good boy like Andrew would even be friends with a delinquent like Roman," Iseul shook his head in disbelief.

                             Alice resists the urge to chuckle. She doubted that Roman was even close to a delinquent. Was he weird? Yes. But he didn't scream bad boy delinquent to her.

                            "And now he's going to the same school as you," Marlo adds. "So be careful, Alice, and stay away from him if you can. Just stay with Andrew and don't screw things up. Andrew's the perfect boy for you."

                            Alice highly doubted it. But, of course, she didn't bother to say anything against it. Starting an argument with her parents was the last thing Alice wanted to do. She still had school to go to and she didn't want to be in a bad mood when she went there. 

                           "You're absolutely right," is all Alice says instead.

                           "But if he does talk to you, be cordial. We're friends with his father and I don't want things to be weird between us. However, I don't want you to be influenced by him in any way. Your father and I have big plans for you, Alice," Marlo remarked.

                           "That's right. So don't fuck things up for us," Iseul added.

                            In other words, don't screw up your reputation so badly that you affect our family and the magazine. Alice immediately got the hint. Everything she did had to cater to her parents in some way. And all of Alice's secrets were kept in the dark. She had to bottle up the truth and keep everything inside just so she could keep the Kim name and Moderne's legacy as clean as ever.

                          "Okay," Alice nods, "Is it okay if I go and use the bathroom really quickly?"

                          "Sure. But you have to leave in a couple of minutes," Iseul replied, reminding Alice that she had to go to school. Although Alice wasn't too thrilled about going to school, she knew that she had to. Alice had a social life to maintain (because she definitely wasn't going to school to actually learn - why should she when her entire future was going to be set running Moderne when she was older anyway?) and she couldn't really afford to miss a day. And her parents also didn't want their daughter lingering around the house all day like a lazy ass when she could be doing something more useful with her time.

                          Alice quickly gets up, rushing upstairs and locking herself up in the bathroom. She then opened the toilet and got down on her knees, sticking her fingers down her throat. When Alice felt all of the food she had just eaten quickly rise up her throat again, she gripped onto the sides of the toilet seat and threw everything she had just eaten back up. 

                           She didn't always do this. She didn't always binge eat and then purge it all out. Alice had started the habit when she was thirteen after one of her friends showed her how to do it. And then Alice had gotten hooked. No longer did she have to worry about her mom commenting on her weight, picking her apart with harsh words. Alice could eat whatever she wanted to and she could throw it up, all without gaining a pound. And she could also lose a couple whenever she thought she was gaining too much. 

                          Just to be clear, Alice didn't have a problem. She didn't have a problem with throwing up just like she didn't have a problem with alcohol. (You see the pattern yet?)

                          She could stop whenever she wanted to. She could control it so she didn't end up getting sick or passing out suddenly. But Alice didn't have to just yet. She had everything under control. in fact, this was one of the few things in her life that she could control without her parents interfering.

                         When Alice was finished, she flushed everything down the toilet and washed both her hands and face. After drying her face off, she touched up her makeup to make sure that she didn't look a mess. When she finished, she looked at her reflection in the mirror. Light colored hair was pinned back and she even had a bow holding it all together. She looked like a darling in her school uniform, innocent and angelic.

                         The funny thing was that those were the two things she definitely wasn't.

                        And then she made her way downstairs, soon leaving the house to go to school. The ride was a silent one, Alice staring out of the window. She obviously wasn't going to have conversations with the driver, so she was left on her own. In the twenty minutes it took her to reach her private school, Alice thought about a lot of things. But one of them happened to be Roman Roy, out of all people. She wondered about the terrible things he had to have done to be sent off to military school and why he was bounced around from school to school.

                         Was he secretly a psychopath or something? And why the hell did Alice care so much?

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                              "Here, you want me to feed you?" Andrew smiles, holding up a French fry and beginning to move it towards Alice's mouth.

                              "Ew, no," Alice quickly moves her face away from him, allowing the fry to land on her cheek instead.

                              "Come on, it'd be cute," Andrew reasoned. 

                              "It's not cute to gain ten pounds," Alice rolled her eyes.

                              Alice and Andrew were sitting together at lunch, and all of their friends were sitting at the table with them. It was normal as usual, the group gossiping and goofing around. Andrew was being goofier than usual, wanting to feed Alice a whole bunch of junk food. And Alice just wasn't having it. She wasn't going to risk gaining weight over a bunch of French fries, no matter how good they smelled at the moment.

                               Andrew scoffs, rolling his eyes. "Don't you think you're being a little dramatic?"

                              "Absolutely not. I'm making a vow to stay from anything with carbs or starch. You should join me, Alice," Iris remarked.

                              "So what are you doing? Eating the air?" Vincent raised a brow.

                              "Shut up, bonehead," Iris glared at him.

                              "That's a creative one, Iris," Vincent rolls his eyes, sharing an amused look with Preston.

                              "Oh my God, look at who it is," Nicole remarked, looking straight ahead.

                             Alice looks up and she sees Roman holding on to a tray of food. He was obviously on his own, unsure of where to sit. No one was really inviting him over and a part of Alice felt bad for him. But it wasn't as though she was going to invite him over. Knowing the reputation he had and even remembering her own parents' warnings, Alice knew she couldn't be friends with him. Not publicly anyways. That was practically social suicide.

                               As if sensing Alice's eyes on him, Roman looked in her direction. He immediately recognizes her, expecting her to acknowledge him back or something. But Alice just awkwardly looks away from him, causing Andrew to look over at her. What the hell was that about?

                               "Oh, hey, Roman," Nicole waves at Roman when he approaches their table, her tone just as fake as the smile on her lips. "How are you doing?"

                               "Fine...," Roman trails off, his eyes narrowed as he looked over at them. His gaze lingers on Alice for a moment too long, but she just gives him a small and awkward smile.

                               "We totally would invite you but there's not enough room so...," Davina trails off.

                               "What Davina is so kindly trying to say is that we don't want you to sit with us," Preston explained.

                               "Preston," Alice glares over at him.

                               "It's fine. I wouldn't want to interrupt you and Preston jerking each other off right now. Pretty bold of you," Roman began to say.

                              "What the fuck did you just say?" Preston scowls, along with Vincent. The others were trying their best to not laugh, although a couple of chuckles escaped Alice's lips. She didn't give a fuck - it was actually funny.

                               "You're asking to get your nose broken, Roy," Vincent threatened, beginning to stand up before Davina pulled him back down.

                               "Promise?" Roman asks with a crooked grin.

                               "You should go, Roman," Alice finally speaks up, nodding in the opposite direction.

                               "As you wish, Princess Alice," Roman bows his head before he walks away. Alice could detect some venom in Roman's tone, probably because the first person he thought of as a potential friend ended up turning her back on him. He didn't know why he had been expecting anything different but while Alice did feel guilty, she felt powerless in this situation.

                               "Fucking freak, what's his deal?" Vincent huffed.

                               "Just leave him alone. Picking on those beneath you is so not classy," Davina rolled her eyes. "Let him make a fool of himself by himself."

                               Vincent scoffs. "I don't care. If he fucks with me again, I'll make him regret it."

                              "And I'll be more than happy to help," Preston nodded in agreement.

                              "Hey, he's kind of cool once you get to know him," Andrew argued in defense of him. 

                              It not only surprised Alice but it surprised the rest of their friends too. They certainly weren't expecting Andrew to say that, let alone be remotely close with Roman. But then again, Andrew seemed to be full of surprises more and more.

                              "You're joking, right? He's an absolute loser," Iris rolls her eyes, thinking back to the time Roman attempted to ask her out. That had been an utter disaster.

                              "Why are you defending him?" Preston questioned.

                              "I'm just saying," Andrew shrugs.

                              "Can we talk about something else?" Nicole asks, quickly growing bored with the Roman situation.

                              "Did you guys hear about Jenny Eisenhower? Rumor has it, she's having an affair with the English professor?" Davina questioned.

                             "Isn't he married?" Iris asks with wide eyes.

                             "Mhm. If it's true, she's such a homewrecker. I knew she was a slut, but I didn't think she'd go that far to ruin an entire marriage," Davina smiles, ready to spill every single juicy detail.

                             As everyone else began to engage in conversation, Alice turned around to see where Roman had gone. He ended up sitting alone at another table, picking around his food. Alice then jumped when she felt a hand on her thigh and she glanced over to see that it wasn't Andrew. It was Vincent whose hand was now rubbing her thigh. He sends her a wink, one so quick that she almost hadn't noticed it. But she does and Alice has a pretty good idea of what that means. She just couldn't believe that he'd be so bold to try anything here while they were around their friends, especially Andrew and Davina.

                             The last time they had slept with each other, it'd be in the back of his family's limo. They swore that it was going to be the last time they'd do this. They knew it'd be wrong for them to go behind Davina's back and continue to betray her like this. And yet... it seemed as though Vincent was ready to go back on his work. And with how bored Alice was feeling with Andrew, she might just do the same. As long as Andrew and Davina had no clue what was going on, their little affair definitely wouldn't hurt them.

                             Alice moves his hand away, placing it back onto his own lap. She'd deal with him later. Sending him a look of her own, Alice turned back to look over at Andrew and pretend like she had been paying attention to the conversation. But really, Alice could give a shit less about Jenny possibly sleeping with her English professor. It's not as though Alice could judge anyway, given that she had her own shit to deal with such as sleeping with her best friend's boyfriend behind her own boyfriend's back.

                              As well as letting her mind linger on a certain Roman Roy.

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                              "What the fuck are you thinking?" Alice questioned.

                              Maybe sneaking into the girls' bathroom was a stupid idea. But there wasn't going to be a lot of people around right now. Alice could attest to that, seeing as she'd sneak in there whenever she wanted to purge. It seemed as though while she hid one secret in the bathroom, she now had to hide a second one.

                             The both of them had the same free period and so, Vincent had come up with the great idea for them to talk. While it was an incredibly risky idea, Alice also knew that it had to happen. She needed to know what Vincent's intentions were. And she also needed to know if she was willing to risk everything to give in to her own selfish impulses.

                              Vincent has the audacity to play dumb, leaning against the bathroom stall. "I don't know what you're talking about."

                            "Did you forget the part where you touched me underneath the table?" Alice scoffs, folding her arms across her chest. "What if Andrew saw you? What if Davina did?"

                            "None of them saw anything so you have nothing to worry about. Andrew's an idiot and Davina's wrapped around my finger. Our secret is safe," Vincent reasoned.

                           Alice raised a brow. "I thought we both agreed that the last time was going to be the last time."

                          "It was supposed to be, but I can't stop thinking about you," Vincent replied with a charming little smirk.

                          And just like that, Alice feels herself already falling underneath his spell. She wanted to be wanted, to be desired after. Things with Andrew were fake for obvious reasons, and she felt absolutely bored with him. Alice was going after any cheap thrill she could possibly get. She wanted excitement in her life, doing whatever she could to rebel and escape her parents' control. Even if Alice knew that what she was doing was utterly fucked up, she couldn't get enough.

                        Alice was simply addicted to the thrill.

                       "I don't see why we can't do it again, just at least until we get tired of each other," Vincent reasoned, sensing some reluctance on Alice's part. "And the best part is that no one has to know. We can have our cake and eat it too."

                      Alice chuckles, glancing over at Vincent who started approaching her. "You see? Now I absolutely understand why you're following your dad's footsteps and becoming a lawyer. You know exactly what to say to get what you want."

                    "So it's only me that wants this? You don't want me back?" Vincent playfully challenges, wrapping his arms around her waist with a grin. 

                   "Fuck you, Vincent," Alice remarked before she pulled him closer, kissing him on the lips. 

                  He quickly kisses her back and they rush inside one of the empty bathroom stalls so they could hookup. Alice was convinced that she was doing this only to get it out of her system and when she was finished, she'd still be able to have her cake and eat it too. At least she hoped so.

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word count: 3070
notes: alice is quickly becoming the ariana grande of the group. now it's no mystery why she has no friends by the time she's an adult lmao