Inside a broken mind is the place that I call home.
I let my thoughts unwind, as they leave my body panic prone.
I beg for peace within me, as I lose a piece of me.
Silent screams refuse to ring, cause hopelessness can't sing.

"Inside Voices", Too Close To Touch

third of december.

" you and her, she was wearing your sweater "

SHE COULD FEEL THEIR STARES. She always could. When she walked down the hallways of her school or when she passed them in the dining hall with an outstanding grace most couldn't comprehend, she could feel the way their eyes would bulge out of their heads and the overwhelming whispers that followed. It was hard to not notice the trail of words that followed her and really, sometimes (only sometimes) she even liked the attention. But always being in the eyes of the public wasn't really good— even though most of the people that stared at her were hormonal teenage wizards or jealous young witches.

'Such is the price of being young, and beautiful,' her sister Lily had told her on several occasions back when they were still on good terms. The first few times she heard those words, the girl had been holding an accepting attitude towards them but that didn't last long. Being objectified for her body was really not as fun as it sounded and the yearning to be seen for her personality and smarts was almost saddening. Sure, she wasn't as smart as the younger Evans girl but after dumbing herself down for that quidditch player she tried to date— she was smart as hell in things that didn't include her subjects. At least she knew not to try and mess with Professor McGonagall. 

Hogwarts was the best place to get your magical education— she knew that but then, the crowded places she was forced to endeavor never really felt like the best place to be in her opinion, no matter what everyone else believed. Yet, this school had been her home for as long as she could remember— the place where she felt like she belonged, the place where she left her sister to find herself; the place where a brunette girl pinky promised her to be 'best friends forever', and the place where she met her childhood crush. Hogwarts was home to her, as much as she hated it— a place secretly messed up just as much as she was, if not more.

She had heard quite a bit about the infamous marauders— of course, she did. Their first year had come with the grand surprise of full-on pranks, walls turning green, screams of horrified people with different hair colors every morning, never-ending laughter, and what-not. Not that much of a pleasant surprise but it did bring her to the people she had begun to love and cherish most in the world, if not only in Hogwarts. There was Alice, her boyfriend Ben, sometimes Regulus, and last of all, James.

Coming back to the topic of childhood crushes, James Potter had taken this title at a very young age when he helped the girl out in the school's greenhouse back when Lucius had just learned that bullying younger students would help him pass his time. The scrawny messy-haired kid had marched up to Lucius to throw a punch after the blonde thirteen-year-old had pulled one of her pig-tails a few days before Christmas break. James Potter had been her personal hero after that, a secret crush that she kept hidden from her closest of friends and especially her sister, Lily.

She had tried to get over him— oh, how she had tried. She had tried all day and all night, attempting to find other people who would make her smile as he did but to no success. She had fallen at a very young age and from how deep she had fallen, the girl doubted if she would be able to find her way back up.

She was popular, funny, and pretty. She could have had anything she ever wanted— she just had to say the words. She was supposed to be the happiest girl in Hogwarts and yet... and yet, as she stared across the classroom to the hyperactive boy who was seemingly in love with her little sister, she felt anything but.

Being Heather really wasn't as great as everyone thought.

She was perfect for him, so James fell hard and fast.

Lily had been studying in Hogwarts since she was eleven, just like her sister. She was once Heather's best friend and she was incredibly smart. She loved watching the Addams Family as a way to keep in touch with her muggle upbringing, barely smiled at all at James' stupid jokes but still watched him when he was not looking.

Heather was the opposite. She was just as street-smart as James but even though she was much more focused, the girl could never figure out a way to pass potions. She always encouraged James silently in his pranks and quidditch games. Petunia thought James was perfect for her, Alice thought James was stupid for pursuing Lily, and James liked to pretend she was only ever going to be his friend, if anything at all. He liked to think Lily Evans was the only one for him, since the first time he laid eyes on her on the train.

Sometimes, Heather wanted to hate her, but she couldn't. She was sweet to her and even after all of the fights that the sisters had, she really was Heather's second half. That's when she wanted to hate James but then... How could anyone hate James?

Instead, she pulled away and started to stay in her 'emo clique'. Not all the way away, but far enough that she could nurse her wounded heart in private. It was made easier after their second year. James had started filling the time he used to spend with Heather teaching her about the fun in magic with fooling around with his new friends, the marauders, or stalking her sister. That's not to say he had forgotten their friendship, because he hadn't— he said hello to her once that time in their fourth year, but he also had his own life now.

There still seemed this seed of doubt in her head about her sister and if she would ever say yes to James. James had matured over the years, sure he was still the jokester he was when he first met her but there was now a glint of depth in his brown eyes.

Even if some couples don't make it that far, Heather knows that if they ever get together, they will.

Third of December. That was the day when the young redhead was painfully reminded of her crush on the young boy and the fact that he was not hers.

Sometimes, Heather wondered if she should just give up.

James looked at Claire— a Ravenclaw in their year with kind eyes, a soft smile gracing his face. Heather had no memory of a time when he looked at her the same way. Yet, even though she knew that this boy was never really hers, Heather felt an avalanche of butterflies fly rapidly inside of her, heart fluttering as she took the seat a little away from him and his new girlfriend. The dining hall was filled to the brim, but yet the table right near the end had always belonged to their friend group. Heather turned just a little to hear James talk to Claire while she waited for Alice to come to join her for the meal.

He always had girls around him so it was no surprise to Heather that he would end up with one but somehow, somewhere in the back of her mind, it could still be her. Even when James followed around her sister all over the school, Heather still had a bit of hope that he had mistaken Lily for her. But that never happened. And Heather always remained lonely.

"Is that my sweater?" he asked the blonde, laughing. That was when Heather saw it— the red sweater. Claire nodded and then rushed to maybe explain that she would return it after running it through the wash, but the girl was interrupted by a small chuckle.

"Keep it, it suits you better anyways."

The words were simple, yet they held an ocean of meaning for three girls. Claire bit back her smile, head bowed down as she scavenged her salads for traces of fruit. Lily rolled her eyes in annoyance, no doubt thinking this was some kind of grand plan to win her. Heather fought back her tears, head tilted hoping that Alice and maybe even Ben would walk to them faster. At this point, the girl was willing to talk to even Severus of all people.

"Heather?" Remus Lupin's voice made her turn to the entire friend group again, her thoughts being a loud reminder of how stupid she looked sitting all alone on the table with her food untouched, "You okay?"

"I— I— Yeah! Yes! I am absolutely fine."

Heather just nodded once, twice on autopilot, and then the group turned to start talking again. Then James laughed, louder and brighter than he ever had with Heather in their first year when they were friends, and she felt her stomach drop, her eyes widen and her heart ache— sharp and piercing. Because they looked like the perfect couple. Because James liked Claire. James liked Lily. James never liked her.

She coughed, suddenly, a harsh tickle in her throat that she tried to rub away, coughing a few more times into her elbow, before swallowing.

Alice finally joined her but Heather was occupied, her eyes secretly on the four marauders and the girl who sat with them. Soon they were going back and forth again, their laughter mingling with one another, a sense of content starting to settle. Claire didn't seem that bad. If Heather could steal this moment, and place it in a vial of memory, she would pay with all the gold that existed in the world. James' smile was radiant as if the sunny weather outside was just a reflection of him. On a day so bright and with a girl so nice, Heather wished that she could keep him like this, locked away, happy forever. As long as James was happy.

But all it took was a mere second before all of it started to fall away.

It dissolved, little by little, the glances Heather sent turning to distracted peeks, conversation with Alice turning more into a sentence than a word, and her attention slipping through the gaps by each second. Heather looked at Claire and as if only now she realized that she was still there, it suddenly became the only thing that mattered.

Beautiful, was the only thing Heather could say to herself, alluring. She was a force to be reckoned it, a stunning canvas of a person that Heather could never be. She was a real person— unlike Heather who lived in her daydreams.

She was captivating, and that was probably what the boy in front of her thought too. Heather watched, as her eyes changed from sadness to awe, admiration, and maybe even a little bit of want. It pricked something, under her ribcage, a piece of splinter stuck out of view. It drained her smile, her rapid heartbeat until all that remained was a sense of loss, a longing inside of her that grieved the absence of the butterflies.

They're not gone; Heather told the wounded part of herself, they've just learned that it's time to give up.

"I have to go," she got up from her seat in an instant, her heart almost warming up when James looked at her alarmingly— but the momentary happiness was gone when Heather realized that it was as if he hadn't even seen her there. Claire noticed it and when she looked back at the redhead, Heather could see the way her expression changed.

She turned and walked away— oblivious to the way James stared at her retreating figure and the way Claire closed her eyes in defeat.

Claire couldn't compete with Lily and so, she obviously couldn't compete with Heather.