HIS SUICIDAL GIRL
❝I met the guy with his smile when my pen started to phlebotomize, and my fate has begun writing a new story.❞

09 - The Cousins and The Question

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●XIAMIN●

It was summer vacation, and I was with my friend whom I treated as a sister ─ a family. She was always there for me every time I was forlorn and infuriated with myself. She was an ideal friend that every girl wants to have.

"Crystal, are you okay?" she asked. She stopped in her tracks and turned to face me.

We were walking on the pavement, many cars passing us by. Though, we did not mind. It was just the two of us, and the people inside and driving the cars were just minding their businesses.

"I'm alone. Nobody understands me." I was shocked when I did not hear anything coming out of my mouth. I could move my lips, but only that. There was no sound at all.

"Don't tell me you're feeling like an utter failure again?" She broke into laughter. I wanted to move, but I could not. She walked toward me and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Crystal, will you listen to me?"

"Yes," I remembered that I could not say anything. I was frustrated. But then, there was nothing I could do, so I just nodded to answer her.

She gave me a sweet smile. I could hear the horns beeping from the cars, but it was as if both of us never heard it.

"That kind of feeling is inevitable. However, consider thinking of the people like us who care about you, then use us as strength for you to move forward in life." She came closer even more and wrapped me around her arms. "I promise, we are here for you, Crystal... I am here"

I suddenly woke up panting. It was a dream. I could not clearly see where it was, and I could not see the face of the person I was talking to. Her face was all blurry. I could only see the passing cars and the figure of the girl I was with and talking to.

However, even without looking at her face, I know who it was. Suddenly, my tears started falling.

I promise, we are here for you, Crystal... I am here.

Naalala ko ang huling sinabi ng taong kausap ko sa aking panaginip. It was just painful to think that the person who said that to me was no longer to be found. Hindi ko alam kung nasaan na siya ngayon. Ilang taon na rin kami hindi nagkikita. Hindi ko alam kung naaalala pa ba niya ako at ang pangako niya sa akin.

Tanging mga mahihinang hikbi lang ang pinakawalan ko dahil ayaw ko na magising sila Mommy at Daddy na natutulog pa sa kwarto nila.

Then, biglang tumunog ang messenger ko. I checked the time; it was twenty minutes passed two in the morning. Nakalimutan ko rin pa lang i-turn off yung wifi sa phone ko. I stopped crying for a minute, wiped my tears using the back of my hand, and immediately checked my phone.

I was surprised when I saw Les and Zachrey's messages. Bigla namang bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko nang makita ko ang pangalan ni Zachrey. However, I opened first Les' four unread messages that she just sent a few seconds ago.

Les Vil • Active Now

CX Sandoval
(CX Beshy)
| Active Now |
Les Vil
(Beshy Les)

Beshy Les:
Good Morning, Xiamin! Sorry sa distorbo pero kailangan ko talagang magpa-correction sa'yo sa English, e!

Beshy Les:
I know na excuse ka bukas dahil sa training niyo kaya i-se-send ko na lang sa'yo dito ang file. LESHE, hindi naman talaga ako magaling sa mga essays2 na 'yan. Wait, send ko muna sa'yo yung file.

Beshy Les:
Les Villamor English Essay.docx

Beshy Les:
Don't worry, continue mo lang yang beauty rest mo. Tomorrow mo na lang yan i-check. Sege, good night! Mwah!

CX Beshy:
Good morning rin, Les!

CX Beshy:
Sege, check ko yang essay mo bukas. I'll send it to you before 10 a.m. and I'll see what I can do.

Beshy Les:
Teka, gising ka pa? Hindi ka ba natulog?

CX Beshy:
Chillax! I did, okay? I just woke up from a sad dream, that's all.

Beshy Les:
Sad dream? Anong ibig mong sabihin?

CX Beshy:
I'll tell you tomorrow.

CX Beshy:
You need to sleep na. May klase pa tayo bukas. And don't worry sa essay mo, ako na ang bahala dun.

CX Beshy:
Don't worry about me. Ayos lang ako. Matutulog rin naman ako mamaya.

Beshy Les:
Hindi kita pipilitin kasi alam ko namang sasabihin mo rin sa'kin ang tungkol jan sa sad dream na sinasabi mo.

Beshy Les:
But you must tell me tomorrow! Or else sasabihin ko kay Zachrey ang feelings mo!

CX Beshy:
Blackmail?

Beshy Les:
Try me.

CX Beshy:
Sege2. Sasabihin ko sa'yo bukas, gaga!

Beshy Les:
Wokie. Matutulog na si oks. 'Wag mo rin kalimutang sabihin sa'kin kung sakaling nag-cha-chat kayo ni Zachrey.

Beshy Les:
Water pala. HAHAHAHAHA

CX Beshy:
Opo. And please stop calling him by his full name. May code name na tayo sa kanya, 'di ba?

CX Beshy:
W-A-T-E-R, gets?

CX Beshy:
Ayan mas better!

Beshy Les:
Yeeeeeeesssss poooooooo! Good night, labyoooo!

CX Beshy:
Okie dokie wokie, labyoo tooooo!

Beshy Les:
<3

Kahit gusto ko pang umiyak ay napangiti na lang ako dahil sa convo namin ni Les. Unbeknownst to her, she alleviated the melancholia in my heart even for just a moment.

The next thing I checked was Zachrey's four unread messages.

Zachrey Mizuno • Active 4 hours ago

Oh well, may klase pa siya mamayang six o'clock kaya siguro maaga siyang natulog.

CX Sandoval
| Active 4 hours ago |
Zachrey Mizuno

Zachrey:
Hi, Xia! How are you feeling? Ayos ka lang ba?

Zachrey:
May itatanong sana ako sa'yo. If it's okay with you, tatanungin kita in person. But if hindi, okay lang rin kung dito sa chat na lang.

Zachrey:
But if ayaw mo talagang sabihin sa'kin, hindi kita pipilitin.

Zachrey:
See you tomorrow! Good night and sweet dreams.

Instead of having butterflies in my stomach because of how he concluded his messages, I looked at them in confusion. What did he want to ask? I was being hesitant to reply. Bigla na lang akong na out of words.

I just shrugged it off. I pressed the home button of my phone, turned off my wifi, and placed it back on top of my table. Humiga na rin ulit ako sa kama. Just then, the sinking feeling started. I could still feel the pain in my heart anew dahil sa panaginip ko. Hindi ko mapigilang isipin siya.

The name of the girl who was in my dream was Cerjiel, at napakasweet niyang kaibigan. Magkaibigan sila ni Les, pero hindi masyadong close. Back then, when I was too blind of friendship, I treated her a best friend even more than Les. Para kasi sa akin noon ay isa ko lang si Les sa mga regular friends ko, at si Cerjiel talaga ang tunay na kaibigan ko.

But I was wrong.

She used to always care about me, at almost ten years na kaming magkaibigan. From enemies to best friends rin yung friendship story namin, and we were classmates since pre-school to sixth grade. I never thought na kung kailan malapit na talaga kaming mag-celebrate ng ten years of friendship ay doon rin pala magtatapos ang lahat.

Ang only source of communication namin ay through social media lang kasi magkalayo na ang schools namin since we graduated elementary. Then, bigla na lang siyang nawalan ng care sa akin. Maybe she still cares, but not too much now. It could also be that we got lost in translation.

Ewan ko ba, bigla na lang niyang sini-seen ang mga messages ko at sinasabing busy daw siya, pero hindi naman talaga.

I was even the last person to know that she already had a relationship with her other friend. Back then, ako ang palaging unang tao na nakakaalam ng mga ganap niya sa buhay. But now, it is not me anymore.

Ayos lang naman sana iyon, e, but she promised not to do it to me again. That was her ultimate mistake. Unfortunately, inulit niya ang ginawa niyang pagkakamali. She should not have made that promise, then.

Nawalan na rin ako ng gana sa kanya. I was only one call away kung may problema siya, but kung ako na ang may problema, e-si-seenzone lang niya. It was as unfair as life.

Thinking about it all made me release a heavy sigh. Les knows about it, everything. That is why I should tell her about this tomorrow. She deserves to know. She is like a therapist to me as well.

Unting-unti na akong binalikan ng antok and then the next thing I knew, everything went black.

◊◊◊◊◊

"I see," she said. "Napanaginipan mo yung mga sinabi sa'yo ni Cerjiel noon."

I told Les everything about my dream as promised, and I slowly nodded to her.

"Gusto ko kalimutan lahat ng 'yon," Napahawak ako sa ulo ko. "but then it suddenly appeared in my dreams."

She placed both her hands on my shoulders. She looked at me with genuine concern.

"Xiamin, I'm here. The reason kung bakit bumabalik ang mga alaala ninyong dalawa is because you treasure those memories with her." Kinuha na niya ang kanyang mga kamay sa balikat ko. "It's normal. I know you loved her, too, and deep down, you still care even if you try to deny it. However, kung nasasaktan kang isipin ang mga 'yon, just shake it off, and focus more on your present memories."

Napangiti ako sa sinabi niya. I am so lucky to have her.

"Thank you." This word of gratitude was not enough for everything she has done for me.

However, I am thankful to God because even if I am not really a saint, He still gave me a true friend after so many broken and disbanded circles.

"Anytime!" Bigla siyang tumingin sa likuran ko at ngumiti. "Nandito na nga pala ang tubig ng buhay mo, and this time, it's the real thing." sabi niya na kaagad na nakapagpalingon sa akin sa aking likuran.

Doon ko nakita si Zachrey na nakangiti sa akin. Damn that smile. He raised his hand to waved at me. I also did the same.

"Papunta na siya dito, oh!" Naka-grin na ngayon si Les at busy na sa kakatukso sa akin.

Lumakad nga papalapit si Zachrey sa amin kasama yung kaibigan niya na Cj ang name; if my memory is served.

"Hi, Xia!" Tumingin siya kay Les. "Hi, Les!"

"Magkakilala na kayo, L─" I was curious kung bakit kilala na nila ang isa't isa, but mas nagulat ako dahil nag-iba ang reaksyon ni Les. She was wearing a death glare.

However, not for Zachrey, kundi para sa kaibigan niya. I eyeballed both of them in confusion, even Zachrey did the same.

"Okay... What's going on, Les?" I asked her.

"Dude, anong problema?" tanong naman ni Zachrey sa friend niya.

"Magkakakilala ba kayong dalawa?" Zachrey and I asked both of them in unison. Nalito na talaga kasi kaming dalawa.

"Of course," Les said. "Sino naman kasi ang hindi makakakilala sa taong palaging nagdadala ng malas sa buhay ko?"

"Les, I─"

"I gotta go, Xiamin" Les cut off Cj and turned to face me. She pulled me into a quick tight hug first before turning to Zachrey. "Mauuna na ako sa'yo, Zachrey. Good luck sa training n'yo, at sana hindi ka rin magdadala ng malas sa buhay ni Xiamin kagaya ng kaibigan mo."

She smiled again, then threw a quick glare on Cj bago umalis.

Zachrey turned back to Cj at nagtanong, "There's something you need to tell us."

I looked at him and demanded, "I wanna know, too,"

"Dang! Ang seryoso niyo naman!" He half-raised his hands in the air as if to surrender. "It's not as serious as you think it is."

"Oh, really?" I raised a brow at him.

"Cross my heart." He motioned to his heart. "May mangyayari kasing masama sa kanya kapag magkasama kami."

"Like what?" Zachrey asked.

"Like yung time na nasa canteen kami, may estudyante na bumangga sa kanya, at nahulog yung ice cream na kanyang binili." He shrugged his shoulders. "That Les, ako pa talaga ang sinisi sa nangyari. Yung time rin na naglalakad kami ni Les pauwi, hindi namin namalayan na nahulog na pala ang Samsung Galaxy S6 niya sa putik kaya natapakan niya ito. Imagine? Ako pa rin ang sinisi niya kahit wala akong ginawa."

He released a sigh.

I did remember Les mentioning to me na nahulog yung Samsung Galaxy S6 niya sa putik at natapakan niya ito kaya nasira.

"Bakit naman kasi kayo magkasama in the first place?" Zachrey and I exchanged glances dahil sa tanong niya. "Mag-jowa ba kayo?"

Kaagad naman na napaubo si Cj.

"For Jesus' sake, Zachrey! That's the most disgusting thing you've ever said to me." Nanlaki ang mga mata niya sa gulat. "Magpinsan kami ni Les! Magkapatid ang daddy ko at mommy niya."

"I knew it─wait, what?!" My jaw dropped. I looked at him flabbergasted.

Zachrey looked at me in confusion and asked, "Hindi mo alam?"

I shook my head.

"I mean, she told me na may pinsan siya dito sa Kamiya High, but I didn't meet or get to know this cousin of hers. I also never expected na si Cj pala 'yon," I said. "Ikaw, alam mo ba?"

"Hindi rin." We looked back at Cj. "Seryoso ka naman, Cj, 'di ba?"

Zachrey was skeptical.

"Of course, I am."

"Oh, wait a minute. Now that I think about it..." I placed my hand on my chin and eyed Cj from his head to toe. "Don't tell me you're Ponyo?"

"Wait a minute... D-Don't tell me ikaw si... Ponyo?"

Biglang napatawa ng malakas si Zachrey sa tanong ko. From the looked of it, Cj was reluctant to answer my question, probably because of discomfiture.

"Y-Yeah... Does she still call me that?" I nodded, and he sighed. "Well, can't blame her. 'Yan kasi ang tawag ng pamilya namin sa'kin."

"So, meaning to say," Zachrey spoke, obviously pinipigilan ang sarili sa pagtawa, then he looked at me. "Les Reidens Villamor ang full name ni Les? Middle initial n'ya ang letter R?"

Again, I nodded to his question. I never thought isang Reidens si Cj. I mean, not that I was discriminating but to a well-off name like the Reidens, hindi ko inakalang isa pala si Cj sa mga taong may magandang pangalan. Looks can really be falsifying.

I jumped in surprise when my phone suddenly rang. Napatingin rin ang dalawang lalaki sa akin. Kinuha ko ang phone sa bulsa ko at nakita ang isang text message.

"Speak of the devil."

"Let me guess, si Les 'yan, ano?" I nodded to Cj. Again.

Binasa ko kaagad ang message niya.

Leche iyang Ponyo na 'yan, Xiamin! Nasisira talaga ang araw ko kapag nakikita ko siya! Bumili ako ng shake sa canteen and unfortunately, dahil sa dami ng tao ay nakabangga ako ng teacher. Na-spill ang laman ng shake ko sa uniform ng teacher at ngayon, para makabawi ako sa kanya ay naging sub-teacher niya ako. Ang mas malala pa, English teacher pa talaga siya! Sana nandito ka para tulungan ako, Xiamin. Huhuhu. Pero no worries, sanay naman akong mag-isa. Nevertheless, LECHE TALAGA YANG PONYO NA 'YAN!

Napatawa na lang ako sa message ni Les at pinabasa ito kay Cj at Zachrey. Napatawa rin silang dalawa. After reading, my fingers started moving, and I just sent her a laughing emoji as a reply.

Ngayon, alam na namin kung bakit naiinis si Les kapag nakita si Cj. Hindi ako sanay na tawagin siyang "Ponyo", pero ang cute. Apparently, nag-usap muna kami sandali ni Cj, and after that ay pumunta na kami ni Zachrey sa faculty ni Ma'am Jehr kung saan kami mag-te-training.

Not to mention that Ma'am Jehr will not be forfeiting us from the competition anymore. She was elated to hear that Zachrey and I finally reconciled after our petty quarrel.

Maayos na ang lahat ngayon. We have no more problems to face.

On our way, hindi pa rin kami naka-move on sa sinabi ni Cj. Until Zachrey broke our smiles and laughter with a single question.

"That reminds me, nabasa mo ba yung message ko sa'yo sa messenger, Xia?" he asked. "May tanong sana ako sa'yo, e."

I nodded and said, "I prefer to be asked personally. What do you want to ask?"

He inhaled and exhaled deeply. He stopped walking, so I stopped as well. He then looked me straight in the eyes; it was kind of intimidating.

"The other day no'ng nasa library tayo, may nakita ako sa loob ng bag mo. I thought I was just imagining things that's why gusto kitang tanungin at i-clarify sa'yo." My heart was racing faster than any race car in the field inside of me. "Bakit ang dami mong mga gamot na dala sa bag mo?"

His question dumbfounded me, the reason why I just stood frozen in front of him. It was a question I never wanted to be asked since before I could even remember.

Napahigpit ang hawak ko sa strap ng backpack ko. My hands were trembling, fortunately, not too much. I was so hesitant to answer. In fact, hindi ko alam kung ano ang isasagot ko.

Hindi niya dapat malaman ang nasa loob ng bag ko dahil dinadala ko pa rin ang mga iyon, until now.

I did not know what to do, and I was at a great loss for words.

"Xia?" I came back to my senses when he placed a hand on my shoulder. "Ayos ka lang?"

"O-Oo," I need to calm down. "and about do'n sa mga gamot na nakita mo, para lang 'yon sa fever ko. I had a high fever the other day and we went to the doctor, at kailangan kong inumin ang mga 'yon para gumaling ako."

I faked a smile at him to conceal what I was truly feeling inside. All he did was look at me for a minute. Though, it looked like I convinced him somehow.

"I see, pero ang dami naman 'ata no'n. Those looked... major and serious," he said. "But if what I saw was necessary just to make you feel better, then I guess it can't be helped."

He smiled at me, at na-guilty ako dahil nagsinungaling ako sa kanya.

I hate lies, and I hate lying, but it's for the best.

Niyaya ko na siya na magpatuloy papuntang faculty ni Ma'am Jehr para hindi kami tuluyang ma-late.

Pagpasok namin sa faculty ng coach namin, Bea was already there and Ma'am Jehr's look was saying na may isang hindi magandang balita na naman siyang natanggap.

"Xiamin, Zach, buti nandito na kayo. May dapat kayong malaman tatlo."

I've had enough bad news for the day.